It's been a while but I might be posting on this more regularly now due to Clint letting it slip that my friends have been talking behind my back and think I'm a drama queen due to my Facebook posts. So apparently I either am just going to a ton of stressful stuff or I just truly don't have any true friends like I thought I did.
So no more Facebook posts from me, except for the random pictures. I guess I just gotta get used to being more of a loner - friends don't text or call me, i haven't tried to either recently and school and work are literally turning me into a nutcase loner that nobody wants to be around. My parents and brother don't even care to call and check in on me. I have Clint and right now I ever so barely have him - been pushing him away due to my moodiness from being so stressed and overworked. Hopefully seeing how I really only have one friend that reads these posts on here maybe I can eliminate the talking behind my back and maybe I'll have friends that actually want to do something with me without them knowing that I know about it. It's my biggest fear, worry and nightmare all come true which is having my friends talk behind my back. So if I seem distant that's why - I won't let anybody in again until I feel like I can trust them.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Well it literally has been A WHILE! Whoops. I've been keeping busy wiyh school/life in general and was busy all summer long with my job at Vista. I'm looking forward to subbing some there soon.
Updates: THE dress has been ordered. The photographers have been booked for the wedding day June 8th and for our engagement session on Oct 20th. Wedding plans are moving along nicely: next up cake tasting/deposit, paying off ceremony site/dresses/photographers, finding Clint/groomsmen wear, and Clint is working on the invitations.
School is going well and I'm currently still trying to figure out when I'm studying abroad. I'm taking intermediate French 1, World Lit 1, German Lit, and advanced German 1.
Things are going well with me and Clint, nothing more than the occasional argument. Now on the other hand, there's a chance that there's a hiccup with who is in our wedding party.
I spent some time at Clint's so we could see each other and I did some thorough cleaning in the kitchen, the fridge and the utility room to try and help out. The utility room was covered in clothes laying in the floor. Most of them looked like they were Mitch's and so in attempt of being nice and not letting that hinder my productiveness, I go ahead and wash all that laundry and put it on his bed. Later while I was cooking dinner for them, Mitch comes home so I tell him about the laundry and how most of it looked like it was his and that I put it in his bed clean. Also said to look through and check to see if it was all his and if it wasn't to give it to me I would take care of it.
Wednesday morning rolls around and I'm having a pretty good day when Clint texts me while I'm in class, saying worst day ever. At first he wouldn't tell me and just said it was work but then later when on the phone with him, he told me that my cleaning and me being over there too much had upset Mitch and that the two of them got into a huge argument over Facebook messenger and texts. Clint still refuses to tell me what was exactly said but did tell me the general response from those who had - coworkers ticked off and livid with how mitch treats his friends and one even offered Clint a place to stay until he finds his own place and his brother saying that he was the most inconsiderate douchbag ever and said he was done with him. Clint even himself said that that waste final straw and he wasn't going to put up with it anymore. He choked up when the wedding party was mentioned and we had already previously talked about it - how if Mitch continued to be flat out mean and act like a douchebag to me, then I couldn't have him in our wedding party. Clint understood and whole-heatedly agreed. After the blow-up between them, Clint told me that he realized just how important I am to him and that I'm more than a girlfriend, fiancé and best friend to him.
So pretty much, Clint's friend Mitch is now no more than his idiot landlord who doesn't allow women over unless there's something in it for him. I am no longer allowed over there.
I still feel terrible and think that I caused all this. Shari and Clint both have tried reasoning with me saying it's not my fault he got that way over me cleaning and that he's the one with the problem. I understand that and all but I still feel terrible. I thought Mitch was my friend. I really did. I still have no idea what he said and I want to know. It hurts a lot, thinking that someone I used to call friend despises my presence that much and is that ungrateful and selfish.
I want to ask God why are there people so selfish and inconsiderate yet still am to claim to be blessed. He doesn't have a care in the world for money even though he claims he does. If he really did, then he couldn't afford eating out every single meal and going to at least 20 concerts a year and go out drinking in Dickson every weekend if not more. Then there's people like Clint, who is so caring and willing to help to the point he becomes jaded with it yet he still does it. He's a hard worker and cannot stand not being busy yet is pinching money just so he can pay his bills and help his poor fiancé afford their wedding and her a running set of wheels with full coverage. Why is it that the lazy selfish douche has it so easy while the hard-working selfless struggles? Don't try telling me of the parables in the bible - I do not care. I know and fully understand life isn't fair. I guess I'm tire of Clint being walked on by 'friends' like Mitch.
Updates: THE dress has been ordered. The photographers have been booked for the wedding day June 8th and for our engagement session on Oct 20th. Wedding plans are moving along nicely: next up cake tasting/deposit, paying off ceremony site/dresses/photographers, finding Clint/groomsmen wear, and Clint is working on the invitations.
School is going well and I'm currently still trying to figure out when I'm studying abroad. I'm taking intermediate French 1, World Lit 1, German Lit, and advanced German 1.
Things are going well with me and Clint, nothing more than the occasional argument. Now on the other hand, there's a chance that there's a hiccup with who is in our wedding party.
I spent some time at Clint's so we could see each other and I did some thorough cleaning in the kitchen, the fridge and the utility room to try and help out. The utility room was covered in clothes laying in the floor. Most of them looked like they were Mitch's and so in attempt of being nice and not letting that hinder my productiveness, I go ahead and wash all that laundry and put it on his bed. Later while I was cooking dinner for them, Mitch comes home so I tell him about the laundry and how most of it looked like it was his and that I put it in his bed clean. Also said to look through and check to see if it was all his and if it wasn't to give it to me I would take care of it.
Wednesday morning rolls around and I'm having a pretty good day when Clint texts me while I'm in class, saying worst day ever. At first he wouldn't tell me and just said it was work but then later when on the phone with him, he told me that my cleaning and me being over there too much had upset Mitch and that the two of them got into a huge argument over Facebook messenger and texts. Clint still refuses to tell me what was exactly said but did tell me the general response from those who had - coworkers ticked off and livid with how mitch treats his friends and one even offered Clint a place to stay until he finds his own place and his brother saying that he was the most inconsiderate douchbag ever and said he was done with him. Clint even himself said that that waste final straw and he wasn't going to put up with it anymore. He choked up when the wedding party was mentioned and we had already previously talked about it - how if Mitch continued to be flat out mean and act like a douchebag to me, then I couldn't have him in our wedding party. Clint understood and whole-heatedly agreed. After the blow-up between them, Clint told me that he realized just how important I am to him and that I'm more than a girlfriend, fiancé and best friend to him.
So pretty much, Clint's friend Mitch is now no more than his idiot landlord who doesn't allow women over unless there's something in it for him. I am no longer allowed over there.
I still feel terrible and think that I caused all this. Shari and Clint both have tried reasoning with me saying it's not my fault he got that way over me cleaning and that he's the one with the problem. I understand that and all but I still feel terrible. I thought Mitch was my friend. I really did. I still have no idea what he said and I want to know. It hurts a lot, thinking that someone I used to call friend despises my presence that much and is that ungrateful and selfish.
I want to ask God why are there people so selfish and inconsiderate yet still am to claim to be blessed. He doesn't have a care in the world for money even though he claims he does. If he really did, then he couldn't afford eating out every single meal and going to at least 20 concerts a year and go out drinking in Dickson every weekend if not more. Then there's people like Clint, who is so caring and willing to help to the point he becomes jaded with it yet he still does it. He's a hard worker and cannot stand not being busy yet is pinching money just so he can pay his bills and help his poor fiancé afford their wedding and her a running set of wheels with full coverage. Why is it that the lazy selfish douche has it so easy while the hard-working selfless struggles? Don't try telling me of the parables in the bible - I do not care. I know and fully understand life isn't fair. I guess I'm tire of Clint being walked on by 'friends' like Mitch.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Where's the Love?
So I think it's incredibly sad that when I'm in so much pain to the point where I'm sure my leg is broken, my fiance's new coworkers and family were more worried about me than my own family. Even my coworkers were too. My mom acted like it was an inconvenience, my brother was his usual autistic self, my sister was the only one slightly concerned poking fun at me for being clumsy, dad more worried about my autistic brother getting back in college. The last straw was I never ask for help unless I need it, and thanks to my medical bills I needed it so I could starve yet pay my car payment. I asked my pop-pop and he replied that I was an adult. I feel like I've been totally abandoned by my family. I don't blame my pop-pop and I'm not mad at him in the slightest. After how my dad has treated us all when it comes to HIS money, it crushed me. My dad threw a huge fit recently about how all his money was disappearing before he could use any of it to live large. Never mind he has three kids and a disabled wife. Let's rewarded the kid who doesn't do anything with his time besides playing video games with all your attention and make sure he gets to where he needs to in life - never mind it's almost 20 yrs too late. He should have had this help years ago.
I've had some issues with all this in the past where it seems that my family just simply does not care unless they stand to gain something. I'm tired of getting hurt by my own family.
As I'm typing this my dad is demanding to know whether or not I support the gay agenda. Hi Dad nice to hear from you too. Yes my leg is slightly better, still hurts a little. How was my day? It was ok, how was yours? Isn't this how normal families talk to one another? Like I would tell him how I truly feel about it. Morally I believe it's a sin, legally I don't know. When it comes down to equal rights then yes. But only then.
This answer is demanded of me all because I said something via facebook about how I was so sick and tired of seeing both sides gripe each other out and how they both need to grow up and could use some tolerance toward the other. I respond well to common decency and if I can't see it then what's the point of picking sides?
I've had some issues with all this in the past where it seems that my family just simply does not care unless they stand to gain something. I'm tired of getting hurt by my own family.
As I'm typing this my dad is demanding to know whether or not I support the gay agenda. Hi Dad nice to hear from you too. Yes my leg is slightly better, still hurts a little. How was my day? It was ok, how was yours? Isn't this how normal families talk to one another? Like I would tell him how I truly feel about it. Morally I believe it's a sin, legally I don't know. When it comes down to equal rights then yes. But only then.
This answer is demanded of me all because I said something via facebook about how I was so sick and tired of seeing both sides gripe each other out and how they both need to grow up and could use some tolerance toward the other. I respond well to common decency and if I can't see it then what's the point of picking sides?
Saturday, July 7, 2012
A Lot on My Mind
It's been a while. I've started my summer job with an outpatient mental facility back in May. While I really thrive on the work and thoroughly enjoy my job, there are days where I must bottle every emotion I feel and keep pushing on. Ignore my sadness at this one kid's home life, ignore my wishes of just giving everything I have to make their world a better place. Ignore my anger at that moment when a kid is acting out. Ignore my bad feelings for having to make these kids cry, to push them to their limit. Friday was one of my hardest days there - I had to document in detail everything one of my 7 yr olds was saying about how he wanted to kill himself, so he could be assessed and possibly admitted back into in-patient. I found myself sitting there what kind of world are we living in that a 7 yr old is suicidal? How can a 7 yr old who's supposed to be innocent and clean can feel such hopelessness? I wanted to scream at the DHS people for not taking him away from his neglectful mother who just randomly leaves him alone at night and lets her friends whip him. I still do want to scream. As I document everything this 7 yr old says, I have to ask him how he would do it and why and try really hard to get those answers out of him, then report to his therapist. And Clint wonders why I'm in such odd moods when I come home from work? Hmmm.... Anyhow after bottling up all these emotions from work and Clint being sweet and taking me out to eat, Clint decided to horse around after our movie and turned off the lights and screeched like a raptor. When he flicked back on the light, I was in the exact same spot when the light was turned off except crumbled in the floor, laughing and crying. Next thing I know I'm sobbing and having a mini panic attack. It lift a ton of weight off my chest and I felt better afterward. But despite having a great weekend, I keep finding my thoughts and prayers wandering to my poor suicidal 7yr, and how he must be feeling if he's been admitted and is in in-patient.
On a brighter note ----> CLINT GOT A JOB!!! Praise the Lord and thank you Lord! And we've been having a great weekend, despite him having to bite his tongue about babies all because some of our friends were over and there were 3 toddlers there.
On a brighter note ----> CLINT GOT A JOB!!! Praise the Lord and thank you Lord! And we've been having a great weekend, despite him having to bite his tongue about babies all because some of our friends were over and there were 3 toddlers there.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
No rest for the Wicked
I don't even know where to begin. As always there's so many ups and much much more downs that have occurred since I was last on here. And I'm trapped right now and don't know what to do.
Whoever told me, "Life's just not fair, honey..." didn't really hit it home to how much so it isn't. That the good, hard-working people of this world will be repeatedly screwed over and over despite all their efforts, prayers and good faith, while all the lazy inconsiderate douches have it easy and reap in all the rewards to rub it in to these good hard-working people. Haha ironically the song that my shuffle landed on just now is "Ain't No Rest for the Wicked." Thank you Lord for the irony, but I need some help here - not irony. Just helps to drive home that my wicked sins and mistakes will never let me rest and be happy. Ever.
I want light in my life in all aspects. I strive to be the best person I can be, finally have school sorted out to where my life is starting to make sense. Found a job and am barely making it by with some debt but I'm alive and well and am able to eat something with a roof over my head. But now my Clint's depression has hit a new whole level and I want to scream at the Lord God Almighty to please do something. Do something so he can be happy because I'm not enough. I want to be, but I've screwed up and will never be totally forgiven by him for my mistakes. I'm so tired of not being good enough - I've learned a long time ago how insufficient I am thanks to my father. My self-worth which has been soaring has violently crashed into a bottomless abyss. I want to climb out but can't. I will never be fully forgiven by the most important person in the world to me.
If what we've got falls through, I pray that I can just disappear. I don't want to live or try at live anymore if we fail. I want nothing more to be happy with him and with God but definitely falling short on both of those.
I'm so fed up of getting the short end of the deal. Do you hear me Lord? Can you please just once not just let me cave in under it all? I know everything else has made me stronger but this one will kill me. I cannot do it. I've been trying to give it all to you Lord and I know I've been falling short. I will always fall short no matter what I do so I don't understand why I even try. I'm so so tired of fighting for every happy moment with everything I have in me, or letting people have their way so they can be happy and completely walk over me. I want a dad who loves me. I want my grandpa back. I want my mom to stop letting my dad walk over her. I want a real brother, not a brother who is basically a step-son to me. I want a family that gives a damn about me and encourages me instead of nick-picking me to pieces. I want to have Clint and my friends both, and both want to spend time with me. I want to not have to fight for everything and only be rewarded with "strength." With that strength comes along scars that will never heal, will never go away. I want to be whole. I want to be the needy one that gets to whine to others. I want to be able to say what's on my mind without being a bitch. I want a happier life, starting with Clint being happier, with Clint finding a job. I know that this is his test and is testing his faith, but testing his faith in this is destroying what I have with him. I can't fix it, and I can't help him with it. I don't want to make threats to you Lord. I just want to be given an inch every once in a while, so I feel like I have meaning and worth. Grandpa was able to save me last time from this. This time what can save me is Clint being happy and us being happy. I'm not settling for anything less. I seem childish drawing a line but I don't know what else to do. I'll try losing all my pride and become an f'n begger if it means Clint and I can be happy.
Why can Clint have one ounce of happiness or contentment?
Whoever told me, "Life's just not fair, honey..." didn't really hit it home to how much so it isn't. That the good, hard-working people of this world will be repeatedly screwed over and over despite all their efforts, prayers and good faith, while all the lazy inconsiderate douches have it easy and reap in all the rewards to rub it in to these good hard-working people. Haha ironically the song that my shuffle landed on just now is "Ain't No Rest for the Wicked." Thank you Lord for the irony, but I need some help here - not irony. Just helps to drive home that my wicked sins and mistakes will never let me rest and be happy. Ever.
I want light in my life in all aspects. I strive to be the best person I can be, finally have school sorted out to where my life is starting to make sense. Found a job and am barely making it by with some debt but I'm alive and well and am able to eat something with a roof over my head. But now my Clint's depression has hit a new whole level and I want to scream at the Lord God Almighty to please do something. Do something so he can be happy because I'm not enough. I want to be, but I've screwed up and will never be totally forgiven by him for my mistakes. I'm so tired of not being good enough - I've learned a long time ago how insufficient I am thanks to my father. My self-worth which has been soaring has violently crashed into a bottomless abyss. I want to climb out but can't. I will never be fully forgiven by the most important person in the world to me.
If what we've got falls through, I pray that I can just disappear. I don't want to live or try at live anymore if we fail. I want nothing more to be happy with him and with God but definitely falling short on both of those.
I'm so fed up of getting the short end of the deal. Do you hear me Lord? Can you please just once not just let me cave in under it all? I know everything else has made me stronger but this one will kill me. I cannot do it. I've been trying to give it all to you Lord and I know I've been falling short. I will always fall short no matter what I do so I don't understand why I even try. I'm so so tired of fighting for every happy moment with everything I have in me, or letting people have their way so they can be happy and completely walk over me. I want a dad who loves me. I want my grandpa back. I want my mom to stop letting my dad walk over her. I want a real brother, not a brother who is basically a step-son to me. I want a family that gives a damn about me and encourages me instead of nick-picking me to pieces. I want to have Clint and my friends both, and both want to spend time with me. I want to not have to fight for everything and only be rewarded with "strength." With that strength comes along scars that will never heal, will never go away. I want to be whole. I want to be the needy one that gets to whine to others. I want to be able to say what's on my mind without being a bitch. I want a happier life, starting with Clint being happier, with Clint finding a job. I know that this is his test and is testing his faith, but testing his faith in this is destroying what I have with him. I can't fix it, and I can't help him with it. I don't want to make threats to you Lord. I just want to be given an inch every once in a while, so I feel like I have meaning and worth. Grandpa was able to save me last time from this. This time what can save me is Clint being happy and us being happy. I'm not settling for anything less. I seem childish drawing a line but I don't know what else to do. I'll try losing all my pride and become an f'n begger if it means Clint and I can be happy.
Why can Clint have one ounce of happiness or contentment?
Monday, May 21, 2012
Life isn't FAIR
Life isn't fair. I know this and have known it for quite sometime. No matter how hard I try it seems like I'm set up to fail or just not have enough money to succeed. It at times seems like it's my destiny to fail as many times as possible. I do have a praise out of all this failures and lack of money - I am no quitter. Stubborn, hard-headed, the red hair helps, raised on a farm and know that you can't quit when the going gets tough. It builds character, shows your resilience and I hope in my case shows that I really do strive to be a good person and a faithful Christian despite the odds. I pray that the devil doesn't take this as a challenge, I don't wish for nor want more challenges or hardships than what I already have or had.
It hurts so bad to stand to the side to watch the person I love the most deteriorate from depression and lack of job. He connects being employed to who he is and his self-worth, and I try to tell him your job isn't what makes you who you are. It's much much more than that but that's what disturbs me the most in all this. Clint is a fair-weather Razorback fan, and he's also a fair-weather person and Christian at times. I feel terrible to admit it but he is. He doesn't show it, does a great job at hiding it, but he's already dealt with more pain and loss than any other person I know of. So I can't blame him for that, because despite all that pain and loss he hasn't given up on God yet and I am so proud of him for that. I admire him for being calm and cool-headed despite the chaos raging around us, despite losing his father, grandfather and grandmother all in a year span, despite watching the other grandma deteriorate from Alzheimer's, despite watching most of his family the good ones die leaving him alive and sometimes feeling alone..... He's so strong and is a good person. It hurts to watch him suffer so much and try his hardest. He is NOT a failure even though he thinks he is. He's always willing to help out a friend, even when that friend knows he's jobless and close to being broke, and that friend doesn't pay him. It is so hard to stand to the side and watch your other half beat himself up and sink further and further into depression that the only thing that can fix it is a job.
That being said when he gets like this, it's like if he can't have some hope, he can't stand for others to have any either. On our way to our life group, he decides to tell me that it's stupid and irresponsible of us to try having a wedding here for financial purposes. Yes we are in debt already, and have been making every payment on time, but because of that we can't afford the wedding. That's what he told me before I was supposed to be happy around our friends. I know all this, but I don't want to give up on it. Have a smaller on site wedding ceremony and invite everyone else to the reception. I am trying to explore every possibility trying to keep everything cheap. I am trying so hard, and him saying that just crushed me. Why try to put on this blasted show for people who are family yet barely know me? Why the show? Why can't we be ourselves and be happy? Why can't my dad get up off his ass and get a consistent paying job? Not that he doesn't work and bring in some income, but he assumes it's all his and gets mad at my mom for using that money he made to pay bills.
Why can't we just get a break to where we can not try so hard to be happy? I'm not forcing myself to stay in love with him, I'm not forcing myself to make do with what I have in regards with Clint, I am forcing myself to be happy with what I've got and my financial situation and with my health and all my allergies. Clint is my sunshine, and I miss having my sunshine shining bright. I'm ready for this storm to pass. I pray and pray and pray and try to be encouraging to him. I don't feel like it's getting me anywhere. I'm tired of praying now. I just want it to work, and want to say to God, "Alright I'm done giving, all my effort should count for something." I want I want....I need it to work. I need to keep praying so I don't feel like everything is lost and meaningless. I need my happy Clint back again. All these new happy friends have helped me tremendously but now I'm putting my foot down - I need my Clint back. I am not going to settle with the rotten end of this deal. I am not giving up on him either. Yes I'm going to be selfish in this matter and not going to take anything less. I'm not going to say that I deserve it, but my effort should count for something. I know this is the redheaded way of approaching this problem with God, but I've prayed and prayed, tried being a better person. I do not deserve anything, but Clint does. He deserves to be happy, he deserves better.
Clint's great-uncle Wade is probably going to die soon. He's 83 and has lived a full life, and is now suffering. He has some spinal disease or disorder and his spine is crushing his windpipe. His aunt Helen and he agreed to do away with the feeding tube and keep him sedated so he can go peacefully. Yes this is his great-uncle, 2nd great-uncle to die in less than a year. To Clint, he is family, was around when he lost almost all of his, kept things lively, and is a total sweetheart and devote Christian. He has been giving kisses to nurses, to me and to his future grandson's wife motioning us in closer acting like he had something to tell us (he can't speak up too well) and sneaked a small peck on the cheek. Then would look around and ask if we got caught - yes this man on his death bed is still a sweetheart and up to no good whatsoever. Reminds me of my Grandpa. And the last time he did this with me today, I watched his eyes roll up into his head and while holding his hand felt no life in him for a split second and then he would snap out of it and start breathing again. He did this twice. It's hard to describe how I felt in those split seconds and how I feel about it now - I remember thinking I should not be the one holding his hand as he passes. One of his kids or his wife of 50+ yrs or one of his grandkids.....I was horrified that here I was trying to be consoling and was hogging up this good man's last moments. When he came to, he wouldn't let go of my hand. I tried to tell him other people were there to see him but he wanted to talk to me and Clint. Clint has no knowledge of these moments....he was turned talking to his relatives. Now I feel terrible for thinking of how I WAS thinking during those moments. Selfish, self-centered or just that hard to process? I like to think of the latter.
Let me say something here about Christians. To be a Christian.....to me from what I observe and from what I feel, there's about a quarter out of "Christians" who are true Christians. You can't just go through the motions of religion and expect salvation. Being a Christian is about faith and actions based on that faith. It is NOT about going to church once a week, and not letting 'church' cross your mind So when a so-called fellow Christian snapped my head off for expressing some concern over someone who might as well be family, it just goes to show my intuition and gut was right about that person and others like him/her. Don't go telling everyone that - REALLY?! You really have to act like this when there's a good man dying in the next room?! What good does that really do for this family? For Clint's family? Yes I know I'm not officially family yet, but according to Clint's great-aunt and uncle and mom and everyone else I might as well be. I held my tongue, thank you Lord for helping me count to 10 in German and allowing me to remain calm. The Lord works in mysteriously ways. Hate to say this but when another concerned church-goer approached me and asked me if Clint and I were related, I said yes Clint is, that's his great-aunt, sister to his Grandpap Elam, and this is pretty much all he has left for family. I hate to say this but I saw the oh maybe I shouldn't have said that look in that person's eyes, and was glad to have seen it. I never claimed to be perfect, and right now I am not sorry for that. Pardon my pride and orneriness.
Yet these Christians seem to have everything, never lost a loved one before it was their time, or are well off. I'm not perfect, and Clint and I are not the greatest of Christians. But I know we're good people and try our hardest to be better Christians as well. We try hard to be all of that and both are somewhat sensitive and too caring for our own good. I know it felt like I used to have everything or it looked like I had everything. I had everything except for a dad who knew how to love his daughters, his son and his wife. I hope I don't have to pay for my dad's sins, because if I do I'm so screwed. Then when things started to go downhill, like our finances, my parents' marriage, just me myself and self worth....my hero died. My grandpa, my hero, was the glue to our family, and now we're broken, don't trust one another, and distant. My grandpa lived a full life, and I like to think that it was before his time but apparently it was his time and he was ready. What I wouldn't give to have one more hug, one more kiss or one more time of just taking a nap together in his lounge chair.....one more Grandpa smile of well done and of love. The devil knew where to strike with my family, my grandpa was the heart. There was not a selfish bone in his body. It's funny how in my day-to-day struggles and successes always lead me back to Grandpa. I guess it's because without him I don't know or feel like I've done a good job, I miss his praises of my achievements. I miss that one devout fan who came to every home game, dirty and fresh from the farm, even though I hardly played. I miss that one person who never told me never, can't, or shouldn't in regards to my dreams and aspirations. I miss that one selfless person who shone the brightest when all I saw besides him was gloom, despair, and evil, and thought my only way out of McRae/HELL was death. It's so hard to let go of any light, even harder to let go of the light who shone the brightest, who was always good, true and faithful. That's why I don't think I will ever get over losing my grandpa, but I will let my pain in losing him help shape me into the better person that I must be destined to be. What other reason could there be that I've survived all the terrible bullying, cruel taunts/remarks, bad abusive relationships, my own self-destructing punishments/criticizes, and not just one but more than a handful of near death experiences where it felt like I was pulled back to consciousness thinking it's not my time yet? I hope and pray my destiny, my calling, is a happy one with Clint by my side and I by his.
I finally nailed down how I feel about my fellow Christians and why at times I feel like they are in the wrong themselves. There is a fine line between being true and firm in Christian beliefs and knowledge of the Bible and being that humble loving selfless example of Christ's love. Narrow is the path, and oh boy when you think about it in balancing truth and firmness in belief with humility and love - that is an understatement. Saying something is a sin without following up with that loving humble example of Christ's love - all is lost. If it weren't for those few people I've met who COULD balance those extremes and walked that fine line, I would be lost as well. In regards to my previous post to this one, I can honestly say I felt like I was called to breach that topic. After that post, several people who had no earthly idea I even had a blog brought up the topic and with hesitation as great as the depths of the ocean and of space I slowly and carefully opened myself up and explained my views. My grandmother was proud of me and agreed with that fine line 'theory' of mine (if you can call it that). My mom was shocked, slightly argumentative but respectful and understanding at my inner turmoil with broaching this highly debatable topic. She was proud that I was respectful in turn and sought out answers and fully reasoned with myself before saying this out loud with anyone. I'm thankful that through all this, I'm slowly learning trust again. God is working on me, despite my flaws, and is opening my heart and mind up. What used to be my biggest fear is slowly turning into something new and wonderful. I used to be afraid of my church and what people would think if they knew what went on in my head and whether or not I would be tossed to the side or considered worthy of keeping. Sounds stupid and childish I know, but even though it's gotten better, its still a fear I deal with when I step into that building. I'm challenging myself to give and keep on giving, yet not expect anything in return. Trying to stop thinking but I've done this, this and this so I deserve something. Pray for me, friends. I am a lowly sinner who needs prayer. But I am a Christian - a child of God who is trying to dust off my light so I can try to shine as bright as my grandpa, as bright as Tony, as bright as Clint's great-uncle who in the little time I have known him has shone just as brightly as my hero.
Life isn't fair, I feel sorry for those who learn this the hard way in their adulthood who haven't had to overcome any strife or pain or loss, because thanks to my pain, my loss and my strife I know I can at least muddle through it.
It hurts so bad to stand to the side to watch the person I love the most deteriorate from depression and lack of job. He connects being employed to who he is and his self-worth, and I try to tell him your job isn't what makes you who you are. It's much much more than that but that's what disturbs me the most in all this. Clint is a fair-weather Razorback fan, and he's also a fair-weather person and Christian at times. I feel terrible to admit it but he is. He doesn't show it, does a great job at hiding it, but he's already dealt with more pain and loss than any other person I know of. So I can't blame him for that, because despite all that pain and loss he hasn't given up on God yet and I am so proud of him for that. I admire him for being calm and cool-headed despite the chaos raging around us, despite losing his father, grandfather and grandmother all in a year span, despite watching the other grandma deteriorate from Alzheimer's, despite watching most of his family the good ones die leaving him alive and sometimes feeling alone..... He's so strong and is a good person. It hurts to watch him suffer so much and try his hardest. He is NOT a failure even though he thinks he is. He's always willing to help out a friend, even when that friend knows he's jobless and close to being broke, and that friend doesn't pay him. It is so hard to stand to the side and watch your other half beat himself up and sink further and further into depression that the only thing that can fix it is a job.
That being said when he gets like this, it's like if he can't have some hope, he can't stand for others to have any either. On our way to our life group, he decides to tell me that it's stupid and irresponsible of us to try having a wedding here for financial purposes. Yes we are in debt already, and have been making every payment on time, but because of that we can't afford the wedding. That's what he told me before I was supposed to be happy around our friends. I know all this, but I don't want to give up on it. Have a smaller on site wedding ceremony and invite everyone else to the reception. I am trying to explore every possibility trying to keep everything cheap. I am trying so hard, and him saying that just crushed me. Why try to put on this blasted show for people who are family yet barely know me? Why the show? Why can't we be ourselves and be happy? Why can't my dad get up off his ass and get a consistent paying job? Not that he doesn't work and bring in some income, but he assumes it's all his and gets mad at my mom for using that money he made to pay bills.
Why can't we just get a break to where we can not try so hard to be happy? I'm not forcing myself to stay in love with him, I'm not forcing myself to make do with what I have in regards with Clint, I am forcing myself to be happy with what I've got and my financial situation and with my health and all my allergies. Clint is my sunshine, and I miss having my sunshine shining bright. I'm ready for this storm to pass. I pray and pray and pray and try to be encouraging to him. I don't feel like it's getting me anywhere. I'm tired of praying now. I just want it to work, and want to say to God, "Alright I'm done giving, all my effort should count for something." I want I want....I need it to work. I need to keep praying so I don't feel like everything is lost and meaningless. I need my happy Clint back again. All these new happy friends have helped me tremendously but now I'm putting my foot down - I need my Clint back. I am not going to settle with the rotten end of this deal. I am not giving up on him either. Yes I'm going to be selfish in this matter and not going to take anything less. I'm not going to say that I deserve it, but my effort should count for something. I know this is the redheaded way of approaching this problem with God, but I've prayed and prayed, tried being a better person. I do not deserve anything, but Clint does. He deserves to be happy, he deserves better.
Clint's great-uncle Wade is probably going to die soon. He's 83 and has lived a full life, and is now suffering. He has some spinal disease or disorder and his spine is crushing his windpipe. His aunt Helen and he agreed to do away with the feeding tube and keep him sedated so he can go peacefully. Yes this is his great-uncle, 2nd great-uncle to die in less than a year. To Clint, he is family, was around when he lost almost all of his, kept things lively, and is a total sweetheart and devote Christian. He has been giving kisses to nurses, to me and to his future grandson's wife motioning us in closer acting like he had something to tell us (he can't speak up too well) and sneaked a small peck on the cheek. Then would look around and ask if we got caught - yes this man on his death bed is still a sweetheart and up to no good whatsoever. Reminds me of my Grandpa. And the last time he did this with me today, I watched his eyes roll up into his head and while holding his hand felt no life in him for a split second and then he would snap out of it and start breathing again. He did this twice. It's hard to describe how I felt in those split seconds and how I feel about it now - I remember thinking I should not be the one holding his hand as he passes. One of his kids or his wife of 50+ yrs or one of his grandkids.....I was horrified that here I was trying to be consoling and was hogging up this good man's last moments. When he came to, he wouldn't let go of my hand. I tried to tell him other people were there to see him but he wanted to talk to me and Clint. Clint has no knowledge of these moments....he was turned talking to his relatives. Now I feel terrible for thinking of how I WAS thinking during those moments. Selfish, self-centered or just that hard to process? I like to think of the latter.
Let me say something here about Christians. To be a Christian.....to me from what I observe and from what I feel, there's about a quarter out of "Christians" who are true Christians. You can't just go through the motions of religion and expect salvation. Being a Christian is about faith and actions based on that faith. It is NOT about going to church once a week, and not letting 'church' cross your mind So when a so-called fellow Christian snapped my head off for expressing some concern over someone who might as well be family, it just goes to show my intuition and gut was right about that person and others like him/her. Don't go telling everyone that - REALLY?! You really have to act like this when there's a good man dying in the next room?! What good does that really do for this family? For Clint's family? Yes I know I'm not officially family yet, but according to Clint's great-aunt and uncle and mom and everyone else I might as well be. I held my tongue, thank you Lord for helping me count to 10 in German and allowing me to remain calm. The Lord works in mysteriously ways. Hate to say this but when another concerned church-goer approached me and asked me if Clint and I were related, I said yes Clint is, that's his great-aunt, sister to his Grandpap Elam, and this is pretty much all he has left for family. I hate to say this but I saw the oh maybe I shouldn't have said that look in that person's eyes, and was glad to have seen it. I never claimed to be perfect, and right now I am not sorry for that. Pardon my pride and orneriness.
Yet these Christians seem to have everything, never lost a loved one before it was their time, or are well off. I'm not perfect, and Clint and I are not the greatest of Christians. But I know we're good people and try our hardest to be better Christians as well. We try hard to be all of that and both are somewhat sensitive and too caring for our own good. I know it felt like I used to have everything or it looked like I had everything. I had everything except for a dad who knew how to love his daughters, his son and his wife. I hope I don't have to pay for my dad's sins, because if I do I'm so screwed. Then when things started to go downhill, like our finances, my parents' marriage, just me myself and self worth....my hero died. My grandpa, my hero, was the glue to our family, and now we're broken, don't trust one another, and distant. My grandpa lived a full life, and I like to think that it was before his time but apparently it was his time and he was ready. What I wouldn't give to have one more hug, one more kiss or one more time of just taking a nap together in his lounge chair.....one more Grandpa smile of well done and of love. The devil knew where to strike with my family, my grandpa was the heart. There was not a selfish bone in his body. It's funny how in my day-to-day struggles and successes always lead me back to Grandpa. I guess it's because without him I don't know or feel like I've done a good job, I miss his praises of my achievements. I miss that one devout fan who came to every home game, dirty and fresh from the farm, even though I hardly played. I miss that one person who never told me never, can't, or shouldn't in regards to my dreams and aspirations. I miss that one selfless person who shone the brightest when all I saw besides him was gloom, despair, and evil, and thought my only way out of McRae/HELL was death. It's so hard to let go of any light, even harder to let go of the light who shone the brightest, who was always good, true and faithful. That's why I don't think I will ever get over losing my grandpa, but I will let my pain in losing him help shape me into the better person that I must be destined to be. What other reason could there be that I've survived all the terrible bullying, cruel taunts/remarks, bad abusive relationships, my own self-destructing punishments/criticizes, and not just one but more than a handful of near death experiences where it felt like I was pulled back to consciousness thinking it's not my time yet? I hope and pray my destiny, my calling, is a happy one with Clint by my side and I by his.
I finally nailed down how I feel about my fellow Christians and why at times I feel like they are in the wrong themselves. There is a fine line between being true and firm in Christian beliefs and knowledge of the Bible and being that humble loving selfless example of Christ's love. Narrow is the path, and oh boy when you think about it in balancing truth and firmness in belief with humility and love - that is an understatement. Saying something is a sin without following up with that loving humble example of Christ's love - all is lost. If it weren't for those few people I've met who COULD balance those extremes and walked that fine line, I would be lost as well. In regards to my previous post to this one, I can honestly say I felt like I was called to breach that topic. After that post, several people who had no earthly idea I even had a blog brought up the topic and with hesitation as great as the depths of the ocean and of space I slowly and carefully opened myself up and explained my views. My grandmother was proud of me and agreed with that fine line 'theory' of mine (if you can call it that). My mom was shocked, slightly argumentative but respectful and understanding at my inner turmoil with broaching this highly debatable topic. She was proud that I was respectful in turn and sought out answers and fully reasoned with myself before saying this out loud with anyone. I'm thankful that through all this, I'm slowly learning trust again. God is working on me, despite my flaws, and is opening my heart and mind up. What used to be my biggest fear is slowly turning into something new and wonderful. I used to be afraid of my church and what people would think if they knew what went on in my head and whether or not I would be tossed to the side or considered worthy of keeping. Sounds stupid and childish I know, but even though it's gotten better, its still a fear I deal with when I step into that building. I'm challenging myself to give and keep on giving, yet not expect anything in return. Trying to stop thinking but I've done this, this and this so I deserve something. Pray for me, friends. I am a lowly sinner who needs prayer. But I am a Christian - a child of God who is trying to dust off my light so I can try to shine as bright as my grandpa, as bright as Tony, as bright as Clint's great-uncle who in the little time I have known him has shone just as brightly as my hero.
Life isn't fair, I feel sorry for those who learn this the hard way in their adulthood who haven't had to overcome any strife or pain or loss, because thanks to my pain, my loss and my strife I know I can at least muddle through it.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Always On the Go....
This has been a FUN week. New job orientation has been super information packed, pretty much non-stop information being crammed into my poor head after taking 3 finals while studying for my last one - which happens to be COMPREHENSIVE for the whole freakin' semester.
Clint's applying for pretty much his dream job which is design in the motorcycle field. It's in Portland, Oregon. If this works out, which I pray it does, then I've got some research to do in German/French departments at other colleges in that area. This would normally scare me to death but after Clint being so unhappy about his degree and lack of employment, I'm not so scared anymore. I'm ready for us to start our life together, and yes I am naive enough to want to start completely happy with where we are in life. I've come to terms about where I'm at and am not upset about it. I did not have a normal college career/experience - what college student loses at least one family member/close friend a year, survives severe allergy attacks, and almost dies from a severe concussion? I couldn't focus on where I wanted to go in life after losing my grandpa. I worked until I was able to do so. So if this job in Oregon works out, then I'll be investing in a new iPhone so Clint and I can face-time each other.
Now to broach a topic that some friends have today and has been a major headline in the national media - gay marriage. I'm so pissed off at how this is being used as a political advantage that clearly sets apart Christians from the rest.
I'm not going to TOUCH this with a 100 ft pole with anybody unless I know for a fact it's CLOSE friends who won't jump down my throat for having an opinion. Probably the only family I may mention this to when brought up is my mom and my sister. I won't state where I stand either via Facebook or Twitter because I don't want to cause fellow friends to stumble from all this conflict and because I think those that do are seeking attention. Not that this hasn't been on my mind.....thank you Barrack O'Bama. I guess I'm trying to organize my thoughts on this and hopefully my blog is an OK place to do so.
Morally and as a Christian, I am against gay marriage. (It also just isn't natural, in regards to the penis is made to compliment the vagina, and vice versa. Oops I just used some anatomy terms. Please forgive me. And yes those who are of homosexual preference have to resort to strap-ons or have issues with pooping and sometimes need surgery to fix the sphincter.)
Yet LEGALLY, I'm for it. Why? The quickest and easiest answers that come to my mind is the golden rule and equal rights - which I'll come to here in a bit. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I would be devastated if it was illegal for me to marry Clint. NOT THE SAME AT ALL.....I know it's completely different. But still the more Christians and conservatives fight to prevent homosexuals from being allowed to marry, the further away people who need God are pushed by people who are supposed to be examples of Christ.
But homosexuality is one of those forbidden sins! Nick-picking sins will just lead you to your own sins. To judge or to not to judge? I don't know. There's scripture telling us to not judge, yet there's scripture for us to call out a fellow Christian when they've strayed. This is where you need to think really hard about your relationship with God and pray to see what you should do when presented something as difficult as this. I see it as more judging fellow Christians in the sense of helping out a brother/sister and based on the LOVE that we're supposed to show and have for one another - the LOVE OF A FAMILY. Whether we like it or not, we're a family, those of more experience or of (biblical) knowledge or of more clear calm collected thought, whomever is able to give sound advice based on LOVE not JUDGMENT is who we should turn to. Like a family, we bicker, we divorce (separation in churches over not being able to come to an agreement in doctrine), we sin, we build each other up, we look forward to seeing our family our church, we long for love, we give and receive love. Do you stop loving the brother who is tempted by alcohol? Do you stop loving the sister who has a baby out of wedlock? Do you stop loving the autistic brother who doesn't know how to love in return? Do you stop loving your wife or husband of 50 yrs when they lose their mind in old age and say every mean hurtful thing imaginable to you? Do you stop loving the abusive father? Do you stop loving the brother who struggles with temptation and attractions that he cannot control and takes advantage of women? Not if there was any love given to you in return for yours.
Judging should be done as a reflection of the love of Christ, not as a I'm right you are wrong stubbornness to prove a point. Doing it in a I'm right you're wrong way to prove YOUR point is SELFISH.
The way I see it is the more conservatives try to fight this, the more us Christians will be persecuted in the future. We are kinda setting ourselves up for it too by fighting whole-heartedly against this issue as our Christian "duty." I mean even if gay marriage was to remain illegal, people of homosexual disposition will STILL look for that special companion, the "ONE," to spend the rest of their lives with. Now I do not like this one bit.
Now I know Christ didn't just roll over and didn't call out people who did sin. Repent and be baptized. I'm not saying we're to just say, "Well we don't want to pass judgement on your lives and shouldn't - what you do doesn't concern us " Not in the least.
Now to equal rights, as long as gay marriage is more of an equal rights issue - Christians and conservatives will probably lose this battle no matter how hard we preach or try to show them the error of their ways, etc. Christians used to own slaves back when there was slavery. Christians used to be in favor (and some still are) of segregation. The Berlin Wall segregated Christians and nonChristians alike and some of the Socialistic Democrats claimed to be Christian. The Berlin Wall came down though. Christian men used to think that even Christian women didn't deserve to have the same equal rights as non-Christian men and Christian men alike. When it comes to equal rights, I just don't see a point in fighting this. I will say that gay marriages will need to be clearly performed in the court setting. But this is my morals speaking and if that was written into law, then Christians would have a whole new issue on their hands. Then we would have homosexuals fighting to have equal rights to get married in the church of their choice and we as Christians will fight like hell against it. If it comes to this point, I will be against it.
I guess my main concern with Christians being so against this is we're treating these people who are very mislead like they are the devil. Homosexuals have souls, they have minds, they have feelings, and most importantly they have rights just like us. This world is not our home, we should not be trying to force those who are of this world to be of like mind as us. When anyone is forced against their will, that same will is BENT against that which is being forced on them or what they are being forced to do.
Morally I'm against gay marriage. Morally I'm against obesity/disregard of health, drunkenness, abuse of any kind, animal cruelty, neglect, laziness, irresponsibility, rascism, abortion......this list could go on for forever. I'm against sex before marriage, yet I'm so very guilty of this sin. I have been drunk before. One thing I'm very very against is being irresponsible with your reproductiveness and bringing a child into this world when you do not have the means or the care to responsibly provide the absolute BEST for this child. I cannot condemn abortion because if I was raped I do not think I would keep the baby. If I did, it would be a terrible struggle. The stupid teenager who just was careless - yeah I think they should carry that baby to full term just so they won't think it's a get-out-of-jail pass, but then this is back to the disregard of the well-being of the child. Can't force someone to give themselves full care to meet health needs, how could that same someone be forced to take care of a being that they are opposed to?
Ooops tangents....dangerous risky ground.
Morally as a Christian I am against gay marriage.
Legally in regards of equal rights, I'm not against gay marriage BECAUSE
*I with all my heart believe fighting this will only result in future persecution for us as Christians.
The more we fight it and condemn homosexuality legally, the more we're hurting ourselves. People are think we're judgmental and willing to condemn. Any close gay friend of mine when I'm put on the spot, I say I don't necessarily agree with it but I do not think gay marriage should be illegal.
Another reason why I won't voice my opinion - I fear the response of my fellow Christians who will immediately tell me I'm wrong and try setting me straight. I may be wrong. I fully accept that. But I believe it's so very wrong of us to discriminate these people to the point to where they feel that they have to be hostile to us. I already receive that reaction when I mention that I am a Christian, that look where they feel like they need to watch themselves and be on guard - not because they know it's wrong, not because they are faking, but because they have learned the hard way to tip-toe around Christians to not upset them. I have learned that unfortunately as well. Wouldn't it be better to say, I don't agree with this but I cannot stop you from it? I love you, but if you make this choice then I fear for your soul, but I cannot stop you. I believe as a Christian that homosexuality is wrong, but as a United States of America citizen I believe discrimination and limitation based on one's sexual preference is wrong. This is supposed to be the land where people come to escape persecution. Those of you who say but I'm a Christian first then a USA citizen - if worshiping God as a Christian was illegal, I would choose my God over the country. I struggle placing God before all not so much with my country and what not....more so with over Clint whom I love dearly and just letting God be in control.
I don't know why it disturbs me so deep down to the core that people use the reason I'm a Christian to why they don't approve of same sex marriage. That in all of this is what bothers me the most - treating these people like they're dirt is not the answer.
Clint's applying for pretty much his dream job which is design in the motorcycle field. It's in Portland, Oregon. If this works out, which I pray it does, then I've got some research to do in German/French departments at other colleges in that area. This would normally scare me to death but after Clint being so unhappy about his degree and lack of employment, I'm not so scared anymore. I'm ready for us to start our life together, and yes I am naive enough to want to start completely happy with where we are in life. I've come to terms about where I'm at and am not upset about it. I did not have a normal college career/experience - what college student loses at least one family member/close friend a year, survives severe allergy attacks, and almost dies from a severe concussion? I couldn't focus on where I wanted to go in life after losing my grandpa. I worked until I was able to do so. So if this job in Oregon works out, then I'll be investing in a new iPhone so Clint and I can face-time each other.
Now to broach a topic that some friends have today and has been a major headline in the national media - gay marriage. I'm so pissed off at how this is being used as a political advantage that clearly sets apart Christians from the rest.
I'm not going to TOUCH this with a 100 ft pole with anybody unless I know for a fact it's CLOSE friends who won't jump down my throat for having an opinion. Probably the only family I may mention this to when brought up is my mom and my sister. I won't state where I stand either via Facebook or Twitter because I don't want to cause fellow friends to stumble from all this conflict and because I think those that do are seeking attention. Not that this hasn't been on my mind.....thank you Barrack O'Bama. I guess I'm trying to organize my thoughts on this and hopefully my blog is an OK place to do so.
Morally and as a Christian, I am against gay marriage. (It also just isn't natural, in regards to the penis is made to compliment the vagina, and vice versa. Oops I just used some anatomy terms. Please forgive me. And yes those who are of homosexual preference have to resort to strap-ons or have issues with pooping and sometimes need surgery to fix the sphincter.)
Yet LEGALLY, I'm for it. Why? The quickest and easiest answers that come to my mind is the golden rule and equal rights - which I'll come to here in a bit. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I would be devastated if it was illegal for me to marry Clint. NOT THE SAME AT ALL.....I know it's completely different. But still the more Christians and conservatives fight to prevent homosexuals from being allowed to marry, the further away people who need God are pushed by people who are supposed to be examples of Christ.
But homosexuality is one of those forbidden sins! Nick-picking sins will just lead you to your own sins. To judge or to not to judge? I don't know. There's scripture telling us to not judge, yet there's scripture for us to call out a fellow Christian when they've strayed. This is where you need to think really hard about your relationship with God and pray to see what you should do when presented something as difficult as this. I see it as more judging fellow Christians in the sense of helping out a brother/sister and based on the LOVE that we're supposed to show and have for one another - the LOVE OF A FAMILY. Whether we like it or not, we're a family, those of more experience or of (biblical) knowledge or of more clear calm collected thought, whomever is able to give sound advice based on LOVE not JUDGMENT is who we should turn to. Like a family, we bicker, we divorce (separation in churches over not being able to come to an agreement in doctrine), we sin, we build each other up, we look forward to seeing our family our church, we long for love, we give and receive love. Do you stop loving the brother who is tempted by alcohol? Do you stop loving the sister who has a baby out of wedlock? Do you stop loving the autistic brother who doesn't know how to love in return? Do you stop loving your wife or husband of 50 yrs when they lose their mind in old age and say every mean hurtful thing imaginable to you? Do you stop loving the abusive father? Do you stop loving the brother who struggles with temptation and attractions that he cannot control and takes advantage of women? Not if there was any love given to you in return for yours.
Judging should be done as a reflection of the love of Christ, not as a I'm right you are wrong stubbornness to prove a point. Doing it in a I'm right you're wrong way to prove YOUR point is SELFISH.
The way I see it is the more conservatives try to fight this, the more us Christians will be persecuted in the future. We are kinda setting ourselves up for it too by fighting whole-heartedly against this issue as our Christian "duty." I mean even if gay marriage was to remain illegal, people of homosexual disposition will STILL look for that special companion, the "ONE," to spend the rest of their lives with. Now I do not like this one bit.
Now I know Christ didn't just roll over and didn't call out people who did sin. Repent and be baptized. I'm not saying we're to just say, "Well we don't want to pass judgement on your lives and shouldn't - what you do doesn't concern us " Not in the least.
Now to equal rights, as long as gay marriage is more of an equal rights issue - Christians and conservatives will probably lose this battle no matter how hard we preach or try to show them the error of their ways, etc. Christians used to own slaves back when there was slavery. Christians used to be in favor (and some still are) of segregation. The Berlin Wall segregated Christians and nonChristians alike and some of the Socialistic Democrats claimed to be Christian. The Berlin Wall came down though. Christian men used to think that even Christian women didn't deserve to have the same equal rights as non-Christian men and Christian men alike. When it comes to equal rights, I just don't see a point in fighting this. I will say that gay marriages will need to be clearly performed in the court setting. But this is my morals speaking and if that was written into law, then Christians would have a whole new issue on their hands. Then we would have homosexuals fighting to have equal rights to get married in the church of their choice and we as Christians will fight like hell against it. If it comes to this point, I will be against it.
I guess my main concern with Christians being so against this is we're treating these people who are very mislead like they are the devil. Homosexuals have souls, they have minds, they have feelings, and most importantly they have rights just like us. This world is not our home, we should not be trying to force those who are of this world to be of like mind as us. When anyone is forced against their will, that same will is BENT against that which is being forced on them or what they are being forced to do.
Morally I'm against gay marriage. Morally I'm against obesity/disregard of health, drunkenness, abuse of any kind, animal cruelty, neglect, laziness, irresponsibility, rascism, abortion......this list could go on for forever. I'm against sex before marriage, yet I'm so very guilty of this sin. I have been drunk before. One thing I'm very very against is being irresponsible with your reproductiveness and bringing a child into this world when you do not have the means or the care to responsibly provide the absolute BEST for this child. I cannot condemn abortion because if I was raped I do not think I would keep the baby. If I did, it would be a terrible struggle. The stupid teenager who just was careless - yeah I think they should carry that baby to full term just so they won't think it's a get-out-of-jail pass, but then this is back to the disregard of the well-being of the child. Can't force someone to give themselves full care to meet health needs, how could that same someone be forced to take care of a being that they are opposed to?
Ooops tangents....dangerous risky ground.
Morally as a Christian I am against gay marriage.
Legally in regards of equal rights, I'm not against gay marriage BECAUSE
*I with all my heart believe fighting this will only result in future persecution for us as Christians.
The more we fight it and condemn homosexuality legally, the more we're hurting ourselves. People are think we're judgmental and willing to condemn. Any close gay friend of mine when I'm put on the spot, I say I don't necessarily agree with it but I do not think gay marriage should be illegal.
Another reason why I won't voice my opinion - I fear the response of my fellow Christians who will immediately tell me I'm wrong and try setting me straight. I may be wrong. I fully accept that. But I believe it's so very wrong of us to discriminate these people to the point to where they feel that they have to be hostile to us. I already receive that reaction when I mention that I am a Christian, that look where they feel like they need to watch themselves and be on guard - not because they know it's wrong, not because they are faking, but because they have learned the hard way to tip-toe around Christians to not upset them. I have learned that unfortunately as well. Wouldn't it be better to say, I don't agree with this but I cannot stop you from it? I love you, but if you make this choice then I fear for your soul, but I cannot stop you. I believe as a Christian that homosexuality is wrong, but as a United States of America citizen I believe discrimination and limitation based on one's sexual preference is wrong. This is supposed to be the land where people come to escape persecution. Those of you who say but I'm a Christian first then a USA citizen - if worshiping God as a Christian was illegal, I would choose my God over the country. I struggle placing God before all not so much with my country and what not....more so with over Clint whom I love dearly and just letting God be in control.
I don't know why it disturbs me so deep down to the core that people use the reason I'm a Christian to why they don't approve of same sex marriage. That in all of this is what bothers me the most - treating these people like they're dirt is not the answer.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Black Sheep
Sigh....just when I was beginning to warm up to my dad and actually consider allowing him to have the privilege of walking me down the aisle, we're back to where I've done something terribly wrong and he's not speaking to me again. Hopefully no close family member or friend passes away or gets mortally ill back home this time.
I am the official black sheep of my family now that my sister is married. While I'm ecstatic about my dad and her being on good terms, I'm troubled by how he's always scrutinizing us to where one of us is on his good side and the other on his bad side. Kevin is Kevin and will always be on neutral if not good terms with dad. Kelly is Dad's favorite out of us girls, and we both know it just like I'm mom's favorite sometimes. Mom can sympathize with Kelly a lot on being the baby of the family and having kids early and what not. That doesn't bother me in the slightest, for my mom, nor my sister really ever act or treat me like dad does when he's not happy with me. Kevin is a whole other story, and really needs therapy so he can be my nice sweet brother to me again instead of the a$$hole he's been here lately.
Now let's get to WHY I'm on such bad terms with my dad.......it's really sad.
While my parents and nephew were in town this past weekend, we grilled out at my grandparents' in West Fork. Just in the past 2 years have I discovered how pleased my Pop-pop is that he can share a drink with me. When we are out at a restaurant or at their house for some meal, my Pop-pop loves to get out either wine or beer and give Clint and I a glass of wine/bottle of beer. I've come to really enjoy sharing these drinks with my pop-pop, because he's so happy to have someone to share it with besides my nini.
Back to the story, gorgeous Saturday afternoon grilling out on Pop-pop's patio with both the grill and fire pit lit, and Pop-pop pulls out some Miller lite and offers me one. I accepted - I love how mischievous and happy he looked. I also wondered how Dad would take it, kinda testing the waters to see if there is anyway possible to have a perfect wedding occasion without compromising what I want and without offending my family (Dad and Granny). Pop-pop offered Clint a beer, but Clint declined saying he's not quite family yet and wants to try staying on my dad's good side. I've pretty much given up on trying to please my dad and staying on his good side - the way I see it, it goes both ways, and my dad has never really tried hard to stay on my good side which isn't as impossible as it is with his good side.
I have this one beer for 20 min before Dad even notices, and he doesn't notice til we're all gathered around on the patio for our late lunch. He just gave me the most hateful glare and said it was too crowded to eat outside. Here I attempted being nice, saying no there's plenty of room out here, won't you stay. Within 30-40 min of him storming off to eat by himself inside, he packed up everything that my mom and him brought and was loading up the Sequoia. What's astounding and goes to show how offended he actually was was the fact that my dad never packs anything ever, he always orders my mom to do it with only 30 min to 2 hrs notice. He then barked at my mom to go change Dayven that they needed to get on the road. Mom got up and quietly obeyed, and they left right Dayven was loaded up in his carseat. Not a word was said to me by my dad whatsoever as they left. And that one beer is why I'm now the black sheep of the family. According to my last talk with my mom, my dad saw us, me and Pop-pop, disrespecting the memory of Grandpa....for Pop-pop being so thoughtless and offering HIS daughter a beer.....and his daughter taking the beer......no one would ever disrespect Grandpa like that......they must not respect me....blah blah blah. That's just an excuse to just be ticked off at not being able to control me. And yes I do not have much respect for my dad in regards that my disabled legally blind mother is the person who pays the bills and brings home the dough AND goes to school fulltime as well. Not to mention that she has to figure out when she can actually do her homework because dad either feels neglected and thinks she's cheating on him or he dumps the grandbaby on her to take care of. Dad plays with Dayven and only does the feeding, diaper-changing, and putting him to sleep when no one else is around to do it for him. Dad doesn't have a full time job and likes to criticize how mom's handling his mess of bills that he's racked up. I've stated multiple other reasons why I don't have much respect for him previously on this blog too and if I really got into them all, I would be basically writing a book about my life story.
Yes I did have a hunch about how he would react to the one beer, yet dad is always around friends that drink, dip or smoke and has seen the empty beer cans out in Kelly's garage. Yes my dad has also seen me drink before - every time he's come out to Clint's mom's I've had a beer and here lately every time have had a glass of wine at my grandparents'. I've also ordered one when we went out to eat once up here in Fayetteville and while he wasn't happy he wasn't throwing this big of a fit.
So I should have known better than to do such an audaciously act of disrespect? I wasn't meaning any disrespect then. In fact to me respect goes both ways - you have to earn it in order to receive any. Yes parental rights usually do warrant some respect, and that's the amount I give him. I do not respect him as a good Christian or as a good man, nor do I fully respect him as a good husband/father/son. While I've always been the one that RESPECT is demanded from, I rarely ever get any in return and never any while I'm present. Grandpa wouldn't have liked us drinking beer, yet I had so much respect for that man that I wouldn't have attempted it at all. Grandpa earned his respect plus enough respect to replace what I lack for my dad.
I don't care really about stepping on his toes anymore. What I do care about is how my own dad gets so caught up on judging every little thing we do wrong, yet we're not allowed to point out anything wrong with him. I get in trouble for caring about his health and questioning him about his diet - literally I get yelled at that's none of your business. I really have given up staying on my dad's good side, I can say that much. Everybody in our family tip-toes around him to not hurt his feelings or get on his bad side, and you know what I'm tired of it. If he was a REAL loving dad, he wouldn't trash talk his own kids about what we do that he doesn't approve of. If he wants to threaten to write me out of the will, like he has done so many times before, I'm ready to say go for it. I won't inherit your debt and you will lose me as your daughter. Turn off my cellphone line, you will never hear from me again. I'm so tired of all the one-sideness of it all - how it has to be his way or the highway. And if you're against him or disagree with him at all, you're pretty much a terrible Christian and probably will wind up in hell. That's a lot to take in as a response for an innocent question by a 12 yr old girl who was severely bullied everyday and was told to get over it by that same person.
My one beer is actually better than his careless diet and complete disregard for his heart health. Your body is a temple for the Lord remember, and drinking soda that's capable of eating battery acid and linked to cancer at every single meal and in between is far worse than the occasional ONE beer. The occasional soda is alright, yet an occasional beer is a lot more healthier for you. And if beer and alcohol is so terrible and unChristian like, then I hate to say it but a lot of our ancestors are in hell because water wasn't safe to drink for a long time way back then and most had to drink beer or fermented grape juice not by choice but by necessity. My mom giggled really hard on that last one, saying I probably shouldn't say that one to him. I'm not trying to justify myself for the one beer. Technically what I'm at fault at is causing my dad to stumbled for having one drink and being like this. I am responsible for that yes. I wasn't trying to influence him or peer-pressure him to drink, I was just trying to enjoy a sunny afternoon with my family.
The main reason why all this is disconcerting is I cannot have my fun rehearsal dinner and my dad and granny there. It's not going to be possible. I have a ton of options still. My main hang up on just trying to please them is my wedding day will already be oriented to keep them mostly happy (they're still not happy that I'm not getting married in McRae). And that's my compromise - a wedding day that won't upset my family (which might just be a waste of time seeing how my dad as of right now won't be walking me down the aisle) and a fun causal relaxed rehearsal dinner where we can let loose and just relax. I'm very happy with that compromise too and think it's very reasonable. I'm torn on going ahead and inviting dad and granny without warning about the alcohol or telling them about the alcohol and inviting them. If I want a happy wedding day and still want to attempt having this fun relaxed rehearsal dinner, it may have to be a party the night of the wedding so dad and granny will behave for the big event. Yes I'm selfish about this - it's my wedding day though and it's supposed to be oriented around what Clint and I want and we both have sacrificed a lot of what we would really like or how we wanted to get married and where. My granny is going to go to her grave mad at me for my 40 dollar haircuts no matter what I do, and I will never be the daughter my dad wants me to be. I'm not a mindless idiot who likes to be bossed around like a nun/slave. Yes that's weird but dad likes to try controlling what you wear and what you do and how you act. All that with me?! Lol that explains my multiple mouth-washings, whippings, and groundings.
I guess I got a little carried away with my rant. What's wrong with having a dad who accepts you for you? I can handle disappointment, and I could handle and understand how my dad treats me if it were for something much more severe. Clint tried to tell me to just stay on his good side, and so does my mom. Both my sister and I know that that's impossible, he always finds something to throw one of his fits about. Always has and always will. And I'm supposed to get used to that? Sadly, I already have and this is me tired of it, tired of having to bow down to someone who doesn't respect me and someone who claims to be Christian and acts like the opposite entirely. Yes I was wrong for playing with fire for the one beer. Why I get so upset and why I went ahead and had the one beer - dad is never sorry (by that I mean verbally outloud; years go by before there's a slight in forgiving action) and doesn't think he has to be. And he doesn't see why he should be sorry, seeing how righteous he is.
To wrap this up, please pray for me and my family for peace and understanding. Please please pray for my dad because after all that above he's still my dad and I love him, and I do believe he could go to hell. And he's not healthy - blood pressure and every man on that side of the family save my grandpa died from heart disease. Every single one. Also pray that I'm not in more trouble for being verbal about all this.
I am the official black sheep of my family now that my sister is married. While I'm ecstatic about my dad and her being on good terms, I'm troubled by how he's always scrutinizing us to where one of us is on his good side and the other on his bad side. Kevin is Kevin and will always be on neutral if not good terms with dad. Kelly is Dad's favorite out of us girls, and we both know it just like I'm mom's favorite sometimes. Mom can sympathize with Kelly a lot on being the baby of the family and having kids early and what not. That doesn't bother me in the slightest, for my mom, nor my sister really ever act or treat me like dad does when he's not happy with me. Kevin is a whole other story, and really needs therapy so he can be my nice sweet brother to me again instead of the a$$hole he's been here lately.
Now let's get to WHY I'm on such bad terms with my dad.......it's really sad.
While my parents and nephew were in town this past weekend, we grilled out at my grandparents' in West Fork. Just in the past 2 years have I discovered how pleased my Pop-pop is that he can share a drink with me. When we are out at a restaurant or at their house for some meal, my Pop-pop loves to get out either wine or beer and give Clint and I a glass of wine/bottle of beer. I've come to really enjoy sharing these drinks with my pop-pop, because he's so happy to have someone to share it with besides my nini.
Back to the story, gorgeous Saturday afternoon grilling out on Pop-pop's patio with both the grill and fire pit lit, and Pop-pop pulls out some Miller lite and offers me one. I accepted - I love how mischievous and happy he looked. I also wondered how Dad would take it, kinda testing the waters to see if there is anyway possible to have a perfect wedding occasion without compromising what I want and without offending my family (Dad and Granny). Pop-pop offered Clint a beer, but Clint declined saying he's not quite family yet and wants to try staying on my dad's good side. I've pretty much given up on trying to please my dad and staying on his good side - the way I see it, it goes both ways, and my dad has never really tried hard to stay on my good side which isn't as impossible as it is with his good side.
I have this one beer for 20 min before Dad even notices, and he doesn't notice til we're all gathered around on the patio for our late lunch. He just gave me the most hateful glare and said it was too crowded to eat outside. Here I attempted being nice, saying no there's plenty of room out here, won't you stay. Within 30-40 min of him storming off to eat by himself inside, he packed up everything that my mom and him brought and was loading up the Sequoia. What's astounding and goes to show how offended he actually was was the fact that my dad never packs anything ever, he always orders my mom to do it with only 30 min to 2 hrs notice. He then barked at my mom to go change Dayven that they needed to get on the road. Mom got up and quietly obeyed, and they left right Dayven was loaded up in his carseat. Not a word was said to me by my dad whatsoever as they left. And that one beer is why I'm now the black sheep of the family. According to my last talk with my mom, my dad saw us, me and Pop-pop, disrespecting the memory of Grandpa....for Pop-pop being so thoughtless and offering HIS daughter a beer.....and his daughter taking the beer......no one would ever disrespect Grandpa like that......they must not respect me....blah blah blah. That's just an excuse to just be ticked off at not being able to control me. And yes I do not have much respect for my dad in regards that my disabled legally blind mother is the person who pays the bills and brings home the dough AND goes to school fulltime as well. Not to mention that she has to figure out when she can actually do her homework because dad either feels neglected and thinks she's cheating on him or he dumps the grandbaby on her to take care of. Dad plays with Dayven and only does the feeding, diaper-changing, and putting him to sleep when no one else is around to do it for him. Dad doesn't have a full time job and likes to criticize how mom's handling his mess of bills that he's racked up. I've stated multiple other reasons why I don't have much respect for him previously on this blog too and if I really got into them all, I would be basically writing a book about my life story.
Yes I did have a hunch about how he would react to the one beer, yet dad is always around friends that drink, dip or smoke and has seen the empty beer cans out in Kelly's garage. Yes my dad has also seen me drink before - every time he's come out to Clint's mom's I've had a beer and here lately every time have had a glass of wine at my grandparents'. I've also ordered one when we went out to eat once up here in Fayetteville and while he wasn't happy he wasn't throwing this big of a fit.
So I should have known better than to do such an audaciously act of disrespect? I wasn't meaning any disrespect then. In fact to me respect goes both ways - you have to earn it in order to receive any. Yes parental rights usually do warrant some respect, and that's the amount I give him. I do not respect him as a good Christian or as a good man, nor do I fully respect him as a good husband/father/son. While I've always been the one that RESPECT is demanded from, I rarely ever get any in return and never any while I'm present. Grandpa wouldn't have liked us drinking beer, yet I had so much respect for that man that I wouldn't have attempted it at all. Grandpa earned his respect plus enough respect to replace what I lack for my dad.
I don't care really about stepping on his toes anymore. What I do care about is how my own dad gets so caught up on judging every little thing we do wrong, yet we're not allowed to point out anything wrong with him. I get in trouble for caring about his health and questioning him about his diet - literally I get yelled at that's none of your business. I really have given up staying on my dad's good side, I can say that much. Everybody in our family tip-toes around him to not hurt his feelings or get on his bad side, and you know what I'm tired of it. If he was a REAL loving dad, he wouldn't trash talk his own kids about what we do that he doesn't approve of. If he wants to threaten to write me out of the will, like he has done so many times before, I'm ready to say go for it. I won't inherit your debt and you will lose me as your daughter. Turn off my cellphone line, you will never hear from me again. I'm so tired of all the one-sideness of it all - how it has to be his way or the highway. And if you're against him or disagree with him at all, you're pretty much a terrible Christian and probably will wind up in hell. That's a lot to take in as a response for an innocent question by a 12 yr old girl who was severely bullied everyday and was told to get over it by that same person.
My one beer is actually better than his careless diet and complete disregard for his heart health. Your body is a temple for the Lord remember, and drinking soda that's capable of eating battery acid and linked to cancer at every single meal and in between is far worse than the occasional ONE beer. The occasional soda is alright, yet an occasional beer is a lot more healthier for you. And if beer and alcohol is so terrible and unChristian like, then I hate to say it but a lot of our ancestors are in hell because water wasn't safe to drink for a long time way back then and most had to drink beer or fermented grape juice not by choice but by necessity. My mom giggled really hard on that last one, saying I probably shouldn't say that one to him. I'm not trying to justify myself for the one beer. Technically what I'm at fault at is causing my dad to stumbled for having one drink and being like this. I am responsible for that yes. I wasn't trying to influence him or peer-pressure him to drink, I was just trying to enjoy a sunny afternoon with my family.
The main reason why all this is disconcerting is I cannot have my fun rehearsal dinner and my dad and granny there. It's not going to be possible. I have a ton of options still. My main hang up on just trying to please them is my wedding day will already be oriented to keep them mostly happy (they're still not happy that I'm not getting married in McRae). And that's my compromise - a wedding day that won't upset my family (which might just be a waste of time seeing how my dad as of right now won't be walking me down the aisle) and a fun causal relaxed rehearsal dinner where we can let loose and just relax. I'm very happy with that compromise too and think it's very reasonable. I'm torn on going ahead and inviting dad and granny without warning about the alcohol or telling them about the alcohol and inviting them. If I want a happy wedding day and still want to attempt having this fun relaxed rehearsal dinner, it may have to be a party the night of the wedding so dad and granny will behave for the big event. Yes I'm selfish about this - it's my wedding day though and it's supposed to be oriented around what Clint and I want and we both have sacrificed a lot of what we would really like or how we wanted to get married and where. My granny is going to go to her grave mad at me for my 40 dollar haircuts no matter what I do, and I will never be the daughter my dad wants me to be. I'm not a mindless idiot who likes to be bossed around like a nun/slave. Yes that's weird but dad likes to try controlling what you wear and what you do and how you act. All that with me?! Lol that explains my multiple mouth-washings, whippings, and groundings.
I guess I got a little carried away with my rant. What's wrong with having a dad who accepts you for you? I can handle disappointment, and I could handle and understand how my dad treats me if it were for something much more severe. Clint tried to tell me to just stay on his good side, and so does my mom. Both my sister and I know that that's impossible, he always finds something to throw one of his fits about. Always has and always will. And I'm supposed to get used to that? Sadly, I already have and this is me tired of it, tired of having to bow down to someone who doesn't respect me and someone who claims to be Christian and acts like the opposite entirely. Yes I was wrong for playing with fire for the one beer. Why I get so upset and why I went ahead and had the one beer - dad is never sorry (by that I mean verbally outloud; years go by before there's a slight in forgiving action) and doesn't think he has to be. And he doesn't see why he should be sorry, seeing how righteous he is.
To wrap this up, please pray for me and my family for peace and understanding. Please please pray for my dad because after all that above he's still my dad and I love him, and I do believe he could go to hell. And he's not healthy - blood pressure and every man on that side of the family save my grandpa died from heart disease. Every single one. Also pray that I'm not in more trouble for being verbal about all this.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
As time flies by...
As I rush and rush through all my tasks to complete them and get to the next one, time just about slipped my mind. Today is the day 5 years ago I spent with Clint before we were dating to hang out, flirt, and what not. I remember telling him I'm ready for my grandpa to not be in anymore pain, for his suffering to end. My grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer September 2006, and had fought a hard good fight. He never gave up, stubborn to the end - even tried going out to the farm wheeling his oxygen tank behind him while wearing an oxygen mask, ready to get to work. He was the most admirable man I have yet to know. Only a few can hold up to him in comparison, and the one that first comes to my mind is my good friend Tony whose brain cancer robbed him of a bright future. Neither stopped to question God why me, at least not outloud for others to hear. Both were praising God's name on their death beds, despite all the pain and the threat of death in their faces they gave God all the glory.
I want to be more like them. I want to be an example of how they shined for Christ and God. Never was there better examples of a true Christian.
Tomorrow despite the five years, it feels like it was only yesterday - it's going to be very hard on me. Yet I remind myself Grandpa would be disappointed in me if I wasn't living my life, smiling all the way, praising God, and still up to no good with funny pranks. Every year I try to sing Farther Along on this day, tomorrow. It chokes me up still to this day when I hear it, because I can hear Grandpa singing it. I don't ever want to lose that ability of not being able to hear his voice or see him smiling in my mind.
I love you Grandpa. I love you Tony. I love you Mrs Cassaundra. I love you Mr Tommy. And I love you Staci. Death is a part of life, and as time just flies right on by, death just becomes more common as we all grow older. Just is a part of life. My hope and what helps me conquer this fear of death is knowing what is in store for the faithful and the good that follow God's word and Christ's footsteps. This hope is what kept my grandpa and Tony strong til the end. The other 3 had this hope yet their ends were much more tragic and immediate. They didn't suffer, and thank you God for that. I thank you God for my grandpa's and Tony's suffering because through their suffering I saw two true Christians who never lost hope in You. Not saying I wanted them to suffer and if I could have I would have taken away their suffering, I would have rather suffered than watched them do so. It still hurts to think and remember their suffering but I'm proud to have know them and to have called them my friend, one my Grandpa and one my first friend I made in Fayetteville.
I want to be more like them. I want to be an example of how they shined for Christ and God. Never was there better examples of a true Christian.
Tomorrow despite the five years, it feels like it was only yesterday - it's going to be very hard on me. Yet I remind myself Grandpa would be disappointed in me if I wasn't living my life, smiling all the way, praising God, and still up to no good with funny pranks. Every year I try to sing Farther Along on this day, tomorrow. It chokes me up still to this day when I hear it, because I can hear Grandpa singing it. I don't ever want to lose that ability of not being able to hear his voice or see him smiling in my mind.
I love you Grandpa. I love you Tony. I love you Mrs Cassaundra. I love you Mr Tommy. And I love you Staci. Death is a part of life, and as time just flies right on by, death just becomes more common as we all grow older. Just is a part of life. My hope and what helps me conquer this fear of death is knowing what is in store for the faithful and the good that follow God's word and Christ's footsteps. This hope is what kept my grandpa and Tony strong til the end. The other 3 had this hope yet their ends were much more tragic and immediate. They didn't suffer, and thank you God for that. I thank you God for my grandpa's and Tony's suffering because through their suffering I saw two true Christians who never lost hope in You. Not saying I wanted them to suffer and if I could have I would have taken away their suffering, I would have rather suffered than watched them do so. It still hurts to think and remember their suffering but I'm proud to have know them and to have called them my friend, one my Grandpa and one my first friend I made in Fayetteville.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Bad week: realized that I need to find my cat Petey a new home, problems with the tribute and trying to figure out if I can afford to sell it back, need a job but really don't have the time for one with finals only 2 weeks away, broke, depressed unemployed fiancé (upside he's been busy working on ads for his contract job so his mood has improved), rotten brat autistic brother who really seems to hate me, oh and planning a wedding. Not to mention while trying to play games with some friends, my blasted head wouldn't let me play as much as I would have liked to have, and then a friend commented about how I should be placed on oxygen thinking it was my asthma. No it's due to swelling at the back of my head that just likes to do that whenever I'm trying to have some fun. I just use my inhaler before playing any kind of sport nowadays.
Bad week and Saturday isn't starting off well either. While trying to get my sunglasses out of Clint's car which is crammed into the garage with barely any room to open the freakin doors, I knock over one of the multiple things, a railroad crossing sign, into the side of his car. Sorry just doesn't seem to cut it for my clumsy mistakes anymore and at time I honestly wonder where I'm valued at amongst his toys. Maybe this motorcycle ride will cheer us both up.
Cowboys and Aliens was a good movie, I thought it has to be good if it has Harrison Ford and Craig Daniel in it not to mention Olivia Wood. I rented it through red box, and forced Clint and his roommate to watch it with me on Friday night. They both enjoyed it too.
To continue where I left off.....
Yes the motorcycle ride did improve our moods immensely. I was down and blue because I was apparently too hyper and was driving Clint nuts. Then I scratched the car and well...... Anyhow that's in the past. I know he values me more than his toys, it is just times like that cause him to become very angry with me for my 'careless clumsiness.' He likes to describe me when I'm not on the ADHD meds like a hyperactive lab puppy. Can't say that I blame him, but at times I feel like I can't express myself when I'm in a good mood.
Anyhow Clint and I borrowed his stepdad's Star Stratoliner, and Mitch and Jenna borrowed one of Mitch's coworkers Honda cruiser. Our ride took us down the pig trail, and we about turned around because some of the roads were wet and we were afraid of being rained on. We decided to chance it, and continued on. Glad we did too because it turned out to be a beautiful day, a beautiful WINDY day that is. Yes we were pretty beat up by the wind by the end of the day. I don't know for sure where all we went, but we made it to the usual place where we go put in at for the Mulberry River. Stopped there to get something to drink, and I had a wonderful vanilla creme soda. YUM. Then we backtracked a little and went to the Byrd's campsite place next to another part of the Mulberry. There we got out and explored, finishing off our drinks, throwing rocks and playing in the river. Checked out the zipline they were updating - still want to do a full series of zip-lining through the tree-tops. That would just be WUNDERBAR!!
My allergies decided to act up most of the motorcycle trip, just to spite me it seemed. Clint and I went out to dinner, the first time we went out by ourselves for dinner in forever. Allergies were still killing me, so I literally crashed by 9:15 when we got back. Woke up to try and get ready for church, but it just wasn't happening today. Allergies were still bothering me, my eyes and throat are raw and sore. Not as bad as last night but add a allergy sinus/bad weather pressure headache, I would have been wanting to just take up a whole row to lay down on.
Well must go: German paper due tomorrow, German Oral on Tuesday, World Civ Quiz/German Test on Wednesday, then French Oral on Friday. Add in regular class work/homework, trying to converse in 3 languages, another test for French possible in this upcoming week, then FINALs - I should be good right?
One thing that makes me smile: Art Nouveau is what I am going to use as a 'theme' for the wedding. Not quite a theme, just something to based the decorations around so the options won't be as broad. Hooray!!
Now I am off and away to conquer the world.
This is my prayer: Lord let Your will be done, and that what I'm striving for is good and according to Your will. Let me shine, give me strength, patience, and control of my words. I'm sad to have missed so much today in praising and worshipping You. I thrill in singing and praising Your name and Your glory. I feel the most whole when I am singing for You. I'm so incredibly thankful for everything You have done for me and given me. Blessed to be able to call You Father. I'm terrible at praying, and when I do pray I criticize my words too much. Allow me to not fear myself and my words. Please give Clint strength and guidance as he struggles with being unemployed, and give him hope and encourage him as I try my hardest while he searches for a new job. Watch over my family and friends throughout their struggles whatever they may be. Help with finances would be nice seeing as how I'm broke, please light my path to which direction I should go. I pray I'm finally following the right path, with my education and mostly with my life. I'm slow at accomplishing tasks, but I'm stubborn enough to keep on going despite all that hinders me. I love you Lord. I know I don't say that enough, and I always find myself saying it more when tough times hit. Allow me to give You the reins of my life, let me give You the control that I try to desperately to hold onto. Keep my family and friends save, and please I raise Clint up to you. He needs help and direction terribly. Please guide him, please help him reach happiness again.
Bad week and Saturday isn't starting off well either. While trying to get my sunglasses out of Clint's car which is crammed into the garage with barely any room to open the freakin doors, I knock over one of the multiple things, a railroad crossing sign, into the side of his car. Sorry just doesn't seem to cut it for my clumsy mistakes anymore and at time I honestly wonder where I'm valued at amongst his toys. Maybe this motorcycle ride will cheer us both up.
Cowboys and Aliens was a good movie, I thought it has to be good if it has Harrison Ford and Craig Daniel in it not to mention Olivia Wood. I rented it through red box, and forced Clint and his roommate to watch it with me on Friday night. They both enjoyed it too.
To continue where I left off.....
Yes the motorcycle ride did improve our moods immensely. I was down and blue because I was apparently too hyper and was driving Clint nuts. Then I scratched the car and well...... Anyhow that's in the past. I know he values me more than his toys, it is just times like that cause him to become very angry with me for my 'careless clumsiness.' He likes to describe me when I'm not on the ADHD meds like a hyperactive lab puppy. Can't say that I blame him, but at times I feel like I can't express myself when I'm in a good mood.
Anyhow Clint and I borrowed his stepdad's Star Stratoliner, and Mitch and Jenna borrowed one of Mitch's coworkers Honda cruiser. Our ride took us down the pig trail, and we about turned around because some of the roads were wet and we were afraid of being rained on. We decided to chance it, and continued on. Glad we did too because it turned out to be a beautiful day, a beautiful WINDY day that is. Yes we were pretty beat up by the wind by the end of the day. I don't know for sure where all we went, but we made it to the usual place where we go put in at for the Mulberry River. Stopped there to get something to drink, and I had a wonderful vanilla creme soda. YUM. Then we backtracked a little and went to the Byrd's campsite place next to another part of the Mulberry. There we got out and explored, finishing off our drinks, throwing rocks and playing in the river. Checked out the zipline they were updating - still want to do a full series of zip-lining through the tree-tops. That would just be WUNDERBAR!!
My allergies decided to act up most of the motorcycle trip, just to spite me it seemed. Clint and I went out to dinner, the first time we went out by ourselves for dinner in forever. Allergies were still killing me, so I literally crashed by 9:15 when we got back. Woke up to try and get ready for church, but it just wasn't happening today. Allergies were still bothering me, my eyes and throat are raw and sore. Not as bad as last night but add a allergy sinus/bad weather pressure headache, I would have been wanting to just take up a whole row to lay down on.
Well must go: German paper due tomorrow, German Oral on Tuesday, World Civ Quiz/German Test on Wednesday, then French Oral on Friday. Add in regular class work/homework, trying to converse in 3 languages, another test for French possible in this upcoming week, then FINALs - I should be good right?
One thing that makes me smile: Art Nouveau is what I am going to use as a 'theme' for the wedding. Not quite a theme, just something to based the decorations around so the options won't be as broad. Hooray!!
Now I am off and away to conquer the world.
This is my prayer: Lord let Your will be done, and that what I'm striving for is good and according to Your will. Let me shine, give me strength, patience, and control of my words. I'm sad to have missed so much today in praising and worshipping You. I thrill in singing and praising Your name and Your glory. I feel the most whole when I am singing for You. I'm so incredibly thankful for everything You have done for me and given me. Blessed to be able to call You Father. I'm terrible at praying, and when I do pray I criticize my words too much. Allow me to not fear myself and my words. Please give Clint strength and guidance as he struggles with being unemployed, and give him hope and encourage him as I try my hardest while he searches for a new job. Watch over my family and friends throughout their struggles whatever they may be. Help with finances would be nice seeing as how I'm broke, please light my path to which direction I should go. I pray I'm finally following the right path, with my education and mostly with my life. I'm slow at accomplishing tasks, but I'm stubborn enough to keep on going despite all that hinders me. I love you Lord. I know I don't say that enough, and I always find myself saying it more when tough times hit. Allow me to give You the reins of my life, let me give You the control that I try to desperately to hold onto. Keep my family and friends save, and please I raise Clint up to you. He needs help and direction terribly. Please guide him, please help him reach happiness again.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Poop
Well, today has been absolutely depressing. The whole ac system in my car is screwed up and broken down, and it's going to cost 1300+ to fix it. Mind you my car has been in the shop twice already for some bad engine trouble. I'm so ticked off and upset and don't know what to do. Broke and can't afford to go get a job until after finals. We're going to try selling it to a dealer and will be seeing what that crappy dealer who sold it to me will offer for it. All the while trying to be encouraging to Clint in his job search, and keep my grades up so all my effort this semester won't be wasted. This just flat out sucks. Did I mention I'm supposed to be trying to save up for my wedding since it seems like I'm the only one paying for it? I just want to sit down and cry and have been fighting it all day. Not to mention I've finally realized my energetic loving cat Petey needs a new home where he can be an outside cat. He's not a bad cat, just is bad for my very small apartment. Needs room to roam and prance and chase birds without breaking stuff. Ugh....so yes bad Monday I'm through with you. So frustrated, and have been praying for all of the above plus a lot more and of course for God's will but I'm very discouraged with it right now. If I could just sell that pos car and make it til after my finals to get a job, I will be so relieved.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
MERGH
Mad at myself for taking this long to get serious about my education and completing it...GRRRR!!!! Now Clint's jobless and job-hunting like crazy, and I'm struggling to speed up completing my undergrad degree.
I'm just tired, and want this whole process to hurry it up now! Planning a wedding as a full-time student that's looking into studying abroad twice to get into grad school is a LOT. Throw in an unemployed fiance, an autistic night blind brother, overly demanding parents/family who expect you to do everything....have I ever said how much I want to run away? It's my own fault for the school part.
Why is it money is just so stinkin stressful? It's needed for everything, and you really can't do anything with out it.
Will continue later - too mentally tired to even think about what I want to say.
I'm just tired, and want this whole process to hurry it up now! Planning a wedding as a full-time student that's looking into studying abroad twice to get into grad school is a LOT. Throw in an unemployed fiance, an autistic night blind brother, overly demanding parents/family who expect you to do everything....have I ever said how much I want to run away? It's my own fault for the school part.
Why is it money is just so stinkin stressful? It's needed for everything, and you really can't do anything with out it.
Will continue later - too mentally tired to even think about what I want to say.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Life = Crazy
Life has always been crazy, whether good or bad. I don't mind it, but I would sometimes like a break from having my head spinning constantly to keep up. It's never boring or at least when it starts seeming like it is, something happens that keeps me on my toes. People don't understand when you give so much of yourself during the day, you don't want anything to do with anybody else for the rest.
I still do not have a wedding date set. It seems that setting that date makes it all that more real. Not that I'm scared of it or will be a runaway bride, it just means that I'm definitely growing up and losing that last bit of 'childness' if you can even call it that. Colors I have yes.....flowers - no clue now. Cake I know who I need to have make it, style - couldn't tell you. But I have paid my deposit for the ceremony site, so I'm not neglecting the planning.
School and future is flat out scary. Having a life with Clint is not.
Slightly on the upset side that close friends of mine met up to work on a memorial for a good close friend who lost his battle against cancer. One of them had even previously mentioned the memorial and discussed this tree and plaque with me, and yes I donated for it. Just shows how important I really am. If friends really want to see friends, they do. Friends realize that friends have busy hectic lives. I just feel used by some friends here lately (to clarify not the memorial group....yet) who only talk to me if they need something from me, whether it's information, help or something to borrow. I would love to unfriend the whole lot of them but I've been in their shoes before and had to beg for forgiveness. Who knows...maybe that's what I need to do.
While facebook is useful with connecting with people and what not, it's cheapened relationships. You're not 'official' until it's on facebook. People only really take note of others when they update their status. I'm guilty of it just as everyone else is.
I won't lie I've been on the slightly depressed side here lately. I don't know where my life is heading, don't even know if and when I can set the date, and while I want to feel that blissfulness and peace of knowing God's in control, I can't relax. I'm always on edge, Clint says I'm always on guard waiting for that next person to hurt me, and I even at times will flinch away. He always has to tell me that not everyone in the world is out to get me. It's so hard to change patterned behavior that has been instilled in you since childhood. I don't flinch as much anymore.
I don't know....hopefully the Hunger Games will cheer me up. My expectations of people are generally true and right on, call it judging if you will. I fight my judgements and still try my hardest to befriend and see the good in people. I hate being right though. Time for homework and time for spending time with the one I love, who's trying so hard to make me smile and laugh. That's why I love him. :-)
I still do not have a wedding date set. It seems that setting that date makes it all that more real. Not that I'm scared of it or will be a runaway bride, it just means that I'm definitely growing up and losing that last bit of 'childness' if you can even call it that. Colors I have yes.....flowers - no clue now. Cake I know who I need to have make it, style - couldn't tell you. But I have paid my deposit for the ceremony site, so I'm not neglecting the planning.
School and future is flat out scary. Having a life with Clint is not.
Slightly on the upset side that close friends of mine met up to work on a memorial for a good close friend who lost his battle against cancer. One of them had even previously mentioned the memorial and discussed this tree and plaque with me, and yes I donated for it. Just shows how important I really am. If friends really want to see friends, they do. Friends realize that friends have busy hectic lives. I just feel used by some friends here lately (to clarify not the memorial group....yet) who only talk to me if they need something from me, whether it's information, help or something to borrow. I would love to unfriend the whole lot of them but I've been in their shoes before and had to beg for forgiveness. Who knows...maybe that's what I need to do.
While facebook is useful with connecting with people and what not, it's cheapened relationships. You're not 'official' until it's on facebook. People only really take note of others when they update their status. I'm guilty of it just as everyone else is.
I won't lie I've been on the slightly depressed side here lately. I don't know where my life is heading, don't even know if and when I can set the date, and while I want to feel that blissfulness and peace of knowing God's in control, I can't relax. I'm always on edge, Clint says I'm always on guard waiting for that next person to hurt me, and I even at times will flinch away. He always has to tell me that not everyone in the world is out to get me. It's so hard to change patterned behavior that has been instilled in you since childhood. I don't flinch as much anymore.
I don't know....hopefully the Hunger Games will cheer me up. My expectations of people are generally true and right on, call it judging if you will. I fight my judgements and still try my hardest to befriend and see the good in people. I hate being right though. Time for homework and time for spending time with the one I love, who's trying so hard to make me smile and laugh. That's why I love him. :-)
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Viewing family from afar
Just makes me so sad. I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to my mom. I haven't spoken to her on the phone in almost 2 weeks. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. But when you step back and get a view of the whole picture, you can see truly how it comes together.
I don't know which is worst: my parents still in denial about how handicapped Kevin is, or my mom being in denial about how my dad treats her. I've decided to cut back on talking to my mom because of how she speaks to me. As if we're the same age, or when she tattles on herself saying my daddy's going to hate what she did hehehe. When I'm struggling and I try talking to her about it, she has been here lately brushing it off saying well she's going through the same situation. It's almost as if she's not really my mom anymore, but someone else. It's almost as if she's just trying to keep up with how immature my dad has always acted, or maybe she's filling in that period she missed out on because she was popping out me and my siblings. I love her goofiness, it's where I get it from. I just don't know what to do. Clint has always told me that my mom was slightly manipulative. I guess it's finally becoming more clear. Through talking to her, texting, seeing what she posts on Facebook, it's like watching a very naive teenager realizing I can say what I want on here tehehe.
All I know is it hurts to watch them self-destruct. But it hurts worse to try mending what they don't even realize what's going on. I'm beginning to not really know how to address either of my parents. That's been normal with dad for forever. Mom though, when I try going to my mom to 'cry on her shoulder/have my pity party,' it's her now wanting to cry and not even listen to me. Here lately, all she does is Facebook me or comment on something I post. I understand that she doesn't have that shoulder to cry on with my dad, but the way I've been seeing it, she's laying in the bed she made and not trying to do anything about it. If you are that unhappy, then do something about it instead of cowering and assuming it has to get better. God's not the only one at play here, the devil is always around. Can't assume things are getting better if it just masks the underlying problems.
When I want/need something from my family, I have to perform a circus act or at least it feels like it. I don't want to play games to get affection or anything. 40 dollars for a haircut becomes a crime with my granny and she flat-out stopped talking to me for almost a year. Where is the love in any of it?! They bribe me off when I try bringing up Kevin, Kevin's weight, Kevin's health, and when I won't let them bribe me, I'm turned into the bad guy. Then dad tells Kevin, that he's the man and don't let silly girls boss him around. I don't play games with them, well besides me not talking to them but I don't see this as a game. I'm sitting back and trying to get a better feel of how I feel with how everything is going with them. I'm not happy about any of this at all. But I'm not getting off the phone with mom or dad in tears either. I feel that it has been severely one sided and has been for a while.
Is it too much to ask for parents to actually acknowledge you and love you back? Mom tries. Dad's love is pushing me into random objects, then being mad with I snap. Or picking on me to where I feel so stupid or embarrassed....... No dad an I love you doesn't mean a rolled ankle to me. Nini keeps telling me to just smile and say I love you back. I can't do that. It's like dad's emotionally retarded. The only times he's been able to actually show true love is when we lost Grandpa and Uncle Gene. He was a lot like Grandpa both times. I just don't understand why he doesn't see or realize any of it. I think the most genuine person besides Clint when he tells me he loves me is Kevin. Despite all our issues we're having, he has always been the most genuine in the family. He kinda can't help it because of the autism.
What makes me the saddest in all of this - Clint's family actually cares more for me than my own. When I'm not feeling well (yes my mom does know - I tell her), it's Clint's mom calling to see if I need anything or how I'm feeling. Mom is well I felt worse than that yesterday. I'm incredibly grateful for awesome future in-laws. And I guess I'm being slightly selfish for wanting more than what I have.
It's like my own family doesn't know me anymore. Kelly's learned to deal with what's she's given, bless her heart. Kevin's the easiest to please as long as it involves a new game or gaming system. Is there something with wanting as much consideration and love I put into picking presents for them in return? Sometimes it feels like they don't even want to know me. If I just randomly died, how long would it take for them to realize they haven't heard from me? Minus the fact that Clint or my grandparents would tell them, would they even notice?
Mom's nightmares about us kids is always like this: Kelly dies, Kevin disappears, and I'm always there. Sometimes it's Kevin who dies and Kelly just runs away, but I'm always there. She likes to tell me this quite often. It makes me wonder if the way she treats me is reflected from that assumption I'm always going to be around. Clint and I have talked about this, and he's still amazed that I came from McRae as me. I never fit in down there, and was always reminded/bullied for it. Been talked down to because I didn't fit in. I didn't fit well in Steve's rfcs. I pray that this life group keeps going the way it has. I feel connected to everyone in that group. I felt like I was connecting well once with some of these same people, but then my parents thought it would be convenient to send Kevin up here so I can keep an eye on him. So I had my little mini rebellion and stopped hanging out with the rfcs back then. I refuse to let Kevin take over something that's working well for me again. I don't mind sharing with him, as long as we're on the same level. I'm not his boss and he doesn't feel like I'm about to boss him around. That we act more like siblings, and he's not always so tense when around me. I hate my parents for that. I miss having fun with Kevin, as a sister.
I never saw any of this til I stepped out on my own. I remember growing up thinking well this just must be normal for most families. I remember sneaking outside to pray to the stars that I would be taken far far away from McRae. I didn't know where, nor did I care. I remember the first time I saw some of my rfc friends' families and how they seemed to truly care about each other. I remember it bothering me, but didn't want to think about it. I pushed it back to the back of my mind to try stop thinking about it. Then Clint comes along, and even his grandma with Alzeimers seem to care more than my Granny. I remember Kelly always being compared as the black sheep of the family even before she had her wild days.
The other night when we were at the hospital waiting on Clint's stepdad to come out of surgery how his third cousin treated his mother, Clint's second cousin. All she wanted was a hug before he left, and this is a fully grown guy in his mid 20's rolling his eyes at his mom because she wanted a hug. I roll my eyes at my mom because she says things like no body would miss her or not that things will ever get better for her. She'll say these things while I'm hugging her. Makes me feel inadequate. I've always felt inadequate around my family. While I love my grandparents, if my graduation date has the misfortune of falling on some cemetery decoration day or a high school reunion, that is placed immediately higher. Nini would rather go decorate graves instead of watching Natasha walk this year. Nini would also rather while out visiting family if there's a hog game, it's gotta be on.
I always feel like I'm having to compete for any affection or jump through hoops. Dad threatens to take me out of the will and you know what.....it honestly doesn't bother me anymore. I will be upset yes, but if it's over the petty things that he doesn't approve of, then he's signing himself off on my end of everything as well. He expects me to come begging. This is where I do have pride. I will not beg. When he threatens me with this now, I just say are you sure you want to do that? Because you won't be seeing me. Then there's the 1-2 month silent treatment from him.
None of this is ever going to be normal. I don't necessary want normal either. I want some thought, some courtesy, and some respect. Most of all I want to feel loved by my family. Clint's stepdad cares more for me than my dad. It's so upsetting and numbing at times. I try to not dwell on it. I really really try not to. Is this supposed to be a normal stage in growing up? To grow further away from your family?
It's about a month to when Grandpa died 5 yrs ago. I can't help but wonder, how things would be if he was still around? Would dad be talking to him? Would Kelly have messed with drugs as much as she did? It's hard to imagine how one person could hold a family like ours together. Without Grandpa, Dad thinks he's the alpha male and won't listen to anyone. While I don't always agree with my uncle Craig, he's way more capable at showing some affection. Aunt Renee is being bossed and talked down to by Granny and by Dad and she's the most sensible one out of all of them minus Grandpa.
Sometimes I have dreams where my dad is dead and Clint's is still alive. I feel terrible for admitting it but everyone is happier overall in comparison to reality. When Clint gets sad about losing what he had with his dad and his dad's parents, I feel terrible for him. We've talked about it before, because I tend to get a little upset around when Grandpa passed. He used to say try losing almost one entire side within a year. After talking things out with him, about my childhood about how when I dreamed dad and granny shot them down laughing at me. No one tried holding back his dreams, like they did with me. Grandpa would giggle and laughed with me when I would tell him my dreams. It even became where I was too afraid of being laughed at for dreaming to even talk to him about it. I still struggle admitting my true dreams because of fear. I still struggle with a lot of things. I'm thankful for Clint who with his multitude of patience. He encourages my dreams. Thanks to Clint I finally took school seriously. I can see the exact same thing with Kelly too. She's so reserved about herself, she doesn't let hardly anyone see the true Kelly.
Now yes my childhood is/was better than kids' childhoods in Africa and other bad areas of the world. I don't like being more mature than my own parents. It scares me. I can't always look up to Clint, it's a burden to try living up to a standard. I remember how happy I was to on purpose fail a test and break that high standard I had always be set to. How liberating, how I felt like I wasn't a total mindless idiot just doing anything and everything my parents wanted me to do. Now I may sound like a teenager in this area, but I remember not having any friends because no one in McRae was good enough to be friends with me according to my parents. The only ones they approved of were the guys/hicks dad wanted me to date. Lol he was furious at me for back talking to one of them and when that guy told me my place was in the kitchen like a good little bitch, you betcha I threw my shoes as hard as I could at the back of his head. And he never said anything like that to me again. And yes I was grounded for 6 months. Grandpa giggled and high-fived me when dad wasn't watching.
Time to end this. This slow release of all this on here is just a temporary relief I guess. I know I need help but I'm flat out scared of how people will take what I have to say. I'm still scared about what some of my closer friends think that I did tell this to.
How do I say anything of this to my parents without offending them or sounding higher and mightier than them? I'm sorry mom and dad but I'm tired of being the mature one in this family. You two need to grow up. Is there any nice way of saying this? I won't say anything til something nicer comes to my mind. Clint doesn't understand why i waste my niceness on them anymore. I can't explain it either, I just can't be the mean one, I can't talk down to my mom. I'm scared of what she'll do.
I don't know which is worst: my parents still in denial about how handicapped Kevin is, or my mom being in denial about how my dad treats her. I've decided to cut back on talking to my mom because of how she speaks to me. As if we're the same age, or when she tattles on herself saying my daddy's going to hate what she did hehehe. When I'm struggling and I try talking to her about it, she has been here lately brushing it off saying well she's going through the same situation. It's almost as if she's not really my mom anymore, but someone else. It's almost as if she's just trying to keep up with how immature my dad has always acted, or maybe she's filling in that period she missed out on because she was popping out me and my siblings. I love her goofiness, it's where I get it from. I just don't know what to do. Clint has always told me that my mom was slightly manipulative. I guess it's finally becoming more clear. Through talking to her, texting, seeing what she posts on Facebook, it's like watching a very naive teenager realizing I can say what I want on here tehehe.
All I know is it hurts to watch them self-destruct. But it hurts worse to try mending what they don't even realize what's going on. I'm beginning to not really know how to address either of my parents. That's been normal with dad for forever. Mom though, when I try going to my mom to 'cry on her shoulder/have my pity party,' it's her now wanting to cry and not even listen to me. Here lately, all she does is Facebook me or comment on something I post. I understand that she doesn't have that shoulder to cry on with my dad, but the way I've been seeing it, she's laying in the bed she made and not trying to do anything about it. If you are that unhappy, then do something about it instead of cowering and assuming it has to get better. God's not the only one at play here, the devil is always around. Can't assume things are getting better if it just masks the underlying problems.
When I want/need something from my family, I have to perform a circus act or at least it feels like it. I don't want to play games to get affection or anything. 40 dollars for a haircut becomes a crime with my granny and she flat-out stopped talking to me for almost a year. Where is the love in any of it?! They bribe me off when I try bringing up Kevin, Kevin's weight, Kevin's health, and when I won't let them bribe me, I'm turned into the bad guy. Then dad tells Kevin, that he's the man and don't let silly girls boss him around. I don't play games with them, well besides me not talking to them but I don't see this as a game. I'm sitting back and trying to get a better feel of how I feel with how everything is going with them. I'm not happy about any of this at all. But I'm not getting off the phone with mom or dad in tears either. I feel that it has been severely one sided and has been for a while.
Is it too much to ask for parents to actually acknowledge you and love you back? Mom tries. Dad's love is pushing me into random objects, then being mad with I snap. Or picking on me to where I feel so stupid or embarrassed....... No dad an I love you doesn't mean a rolled ankle to me. Nini keeps telling me to just smile and say I love you back. I can't do that. It's like dad's emotionally retarded. The only times he's been able to actually show true love is when we lost Grandpa and Uncle Gene. He was a lot like Grandpa both times. I just don't understand why he doesn't see or realize any of it. I think the most genuine person besides Clint when he tells me he loves me is Kevin. Despite all our issues we're having, he has always been the most genuine in the family. He kinda can't help it because of the autism.
What makes me the saddest in all of this - Clint's family actually cares more for me than my own. When I'm not feeling well (yes my mom does know - I tell her), it's Clint's mom calling to see if I need anything or how I'm feeling. Mom is well I felt worse than that yesterday. I'm incredibly grateful for awesome future in-laws. And I guess I'm being slightly selfish for wanting more than what I have.
It's like my own family doesn't know me anymore. Kelly's learned to deal with what's she's given, bless her heart. Kevin's the easiest to please as long as it involves a new game or gaming system. Is there something with wanting as much consideration and love I put into picking presents for them in return? Sometimes it feels like they don't even want to know me. If I just randomly died, how long would it take for them to realize they haven't heard from me? Minus the fact that Clint or my grandparents would tell them, would they even notice?
Mom's nightmares about us kids is always like this: Kelly dies, Kevin disappears, and I'm always there. Sometimes it's Kevin who dies and Kelly just runs away, but I'm always there. She likes to tell me this quite often. It makes me wonder if the way she treats me is reflected from that assumption I'm always going to be around. Clint and I have talked about this, and he's still amazed that I came from McRae as me. I never fit in down there, and was always reminded/bullied for it. Been talked down to because I didn't fit in. I didn't fit well in Steve's rfcs. I pray that this life group keeps going the way it has. I feel connected to everyone in that group. I felt like I was connecting well once with some of these same people, but then my parents thought it would be convenient to send Kevin up here so I can keep an eye on him. So I had my little mini rebellion and stopped hanging out with the rfcs back then. I refuse to let Kevin take over something that's working well for me again. I don't mind sharing with him, as long as we're on the same level. I'm not his boss and he doesn't feel like I'm about to boss him around. That we act more like siblings, and he's not always so tense when around me. I hate my parents for that. I miss having fun with Kevin, as a sister.
I never saw any of this til I stepped out on my own. I remember growing up thinking well this just must be normal for most families. I remember sneaking outside to pray to the stars that I would be taken far far away from McRae. I didn't know where, nor did I care. I remember the first time I saw some of my rfc friends' families and how they seemed to truly care about each other. I remember it bothering me, but didn't want to think about it. I pushed it back to the back of my mind to try stop thinking about it. Then Clint comes along, and even his grandma with Alzeimers seem to care more than my Granny. I remember Kelly always being compared as the black sheep of the family even before she had her wild days.
The other night when we were at the hospital waiting on Clint's stepdad to come out of surgery how his third cousin treated his mother, Clint's second cousin. All she wanted was a hug before he left, and this is a fully grown guy in his mid 20's rolling his eyes at his mom because she wanted a hug. I roll my eyes at my mom because she says things like no body would miss her or not that things will ever get better for her. She'll say these things while I'm hugging her. Makes me feel inadequate. I've always felt inadequate around my family. While I love my grandparents, if my graduation date has the misfortune of falling on some cemetery decoration day or a high school reunion, that is placed immediately higher. Nini would rather go decorate graves instead of watching Natasha walk this year. Nini would also rather while out visiting family if there's a hog game, it's gotta be on.
I always feel like I'm having to compete for any affection or jump through hoops. Dad threatens to take me out of the will and you know what.....it honestly doesn't bother me anymore. I will be upset yes, but if it's over the petty things that he doesn't approve of, then he's signing himself off on my end of everything as well. He expects me to come begging. This is where I do have pride. I will not beg. When he threatens me with this now, I just say are you sure you want to do that? Because you won't be seeing me. Then there's the 1-2 month silent treatment from him.
None of this is ever going to be normal. I don't necessary want normal either. I want some thought, some courtesy, and some respect. Most of all I want to feel loved by my family. Clint's stepdad cares more for me than my dad. It's so upsetting and numbing at times. I try to not dwell on it. I really really try not to. Is this supposed to be a normal stage in growing up? To grow further away from your family?
It's about a month to when Grandpa died 5 yrs ago. I can't help but wonder, how things would be if he was still around? Would dad be talking to him? Would Kelly have messed with drugs as much as she did? It's hard to imagine how one person could hold a family like ours together. Without Grandpa, Dad thinks he's the alpha male and won't listen to anyone. While I don't always agree with my uncle Craig, he's way more capable at showing some affection. Aunt Renee is being bossed and talked down to by Granny and by Dad and she's the most sensible one out of all of them minus Grandpa.
Sometimes I have dreams where my dad is dead and Clint's is still alive. I feel terrible for admitting it but everyone is happier overall in comparison to reality. When Clint gets sad about losing what he had with his dad and his dad's parents, I feel terrible for him. We've talked about it before, because I tend to get a little upset around when Grandpa passed. He used to say try losing almost one entire side within a year. After talking things out with him, about my childhood about how when I dreamed dad and granny shot them down laughing at me. No one tried holding back his dreams, like they did with me. Grandpa would giggle and laughed with me when I would tell him my dreams. It even became where I was too afraid of being laughed at for dreaming to even talk to him about it. I still struggle admitting my true dreams because of fear. I still struggle with a lot of things. I'm thankful for Clint who with his multitude of patience. He encourages my dreams. Thanks to Clint I finally took school seriously. I can see the exact same thing with Kelly too. She's so reserved about herself, she doesn't let hardly anyone see the true Kelly.
Now yes my childhood is/was better than kids' childhoods in Africa and other bad areas of the world. I don't like being more mature than my own parents. It scares me. I can't always look up to Clint, it's a burden to try living up to a standard. I remember how happy I was to on purpose fail a test and break that high standard I had always be set to. How liberating, how I felt like I wasn't a total mindless idiot just doing anything and everything my parents wanted me to do. Now I may sound like a teenager in this area, but I remember not having any friends because no one in McRae was good enough to be friends with me according to my parents. The only ones they approved of were the guys/hicks dad wanted me to date. Lol he was furious at me for back talking to one of them and when that guy told me my place was in the kitchen like a good little bitch, you betcha I threw my shoes as hard as I could at the back of his head. And he never said anything like that to me again. And yes I was grounded for 6 months. Grandpa giggled and high-fived me when dad wasn't watching.
Time to end this. This slow release of all this on here is just a temporary relief I guess. I know I need help but I'm flat out scared of how people will take what I have to say. I'm still scared about what some of my closer friends think that I did tell this to.
How do I say anything of this to my parents without offending them or sounding higher and mightier than them? I'm sorry mom and dad but I'm tired of being the mature one in this family. You two need to grow up. Is there any nice way of saying this? I won't say anything til something nicer comes to my mind. Clint doesn't understand why i waste my niceness on them anymore. I can't explain it either, I just can't be the mean one, I can't talk down to my mom. I'm scared of what she'll do.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I am THE WORST PROCRASTINATOR ever. Ugh....it wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't wake up with my knots on the back of my head swollen. I felt like I had a migraine but I knew it wasn't technically one. I woke up around 5 am, and I couldn't move my head hardly at all. I opened my eyes and I really couldn't see anything at all. So Monday was a lazy bum day thanks to my migraine/headache thingy.
What I need to get DONE or WORK ON this week:
- Email progress report to my Vocational Rehab Counselor; also ask for those prescription aid programs (my meds are way too expensive)
- Get an appointment for Bunny to be shaved (her hair is too fine for my clippers)
- Taxes (!!!!!!!!!!) I need my refund now-ish!
- Fill out FAFSA for fall and summer (woopie*sarcasm*)
- Petition up to a new degree plan (from 06 where I need more science to 10-11 where I only lack my major, world lit, one world civ, and stupid adv comp CLEP)
- Meeting with CEA this Wednesday, fingers crossed that it will actually help
- Ignite Building Event Calendar meeting (yay!)
- Trying on my cousin's Casablanca Couture dress (really hope it fits, that it's my style, and I look hot in it lol)
- Cleaning/laundry etc BLAH
- Cancelling my cable and possibly internet with Cox (internet only if they try talking me into cable again)
- Work harder on trying to sell my car (yes the new one - can't afford it)
- Start looking for a job :'( I hate being poor
- Meet with my adviser about my German degree and what minors or majors I should be trying to pair with it? Very nervous about my GPA and trying to get into a masters program. Minor in French or Spanish or both? International relations - does that mean more business classes?
- Study abroad? Spring or Summer? Depends on dates and $
- Possibly change my graduation date based on all the above :'(
- Talk to mom and dad about Kevin - I CANNOT support him. If he's not going to find a job or if mom and dad doesn't care, then he needs to move home. And I'll need to find a new roommate/apartment. Sigh
- Talk to Janet about what flowers she'll have/be in season around the wedding date (ALMOST got it nailed down)
- Go ahead and cake taste at Shelby Lynn's with the cake lady Jennifer, see if she'll do a nice 'dirt cake' for Clint's groomsman cake lol
- Pay deposit and nail down wedding date this Sunday EEEEK!! :-)
- Possibly beg for money from my grandparents. I always feel so slimmy when I do do that. I hate it.
- Write down all the prices I have been accumulating and nail down a more definite wedding budget
- Work with Clint on Kelly's wedding announcements; colors lavender/lilac, orange (tiger lilies), silver(??), green(??); Patterning them similar to Nini&Pop-pop's 50th anniversary invites I think
- SAVE $$$$$$$$$:
~my wedding in general
~my bridesmaid dress for Melinda :-)
~study abroad (a MUST to get into grad school - no if's, and's or but's)
~possibly cheaper car?
There's something I'm forgetting. Oh well. I can always edit it. Note pads and my calendar on my phone work much better for me than planners. Planners are a waste of money for me because I always forget about them.
What's coming up in March: (IMPORTANT)
~ Friday 6th: Ignite Bon Fire
~ Sunday 11th: Kevin's Birthday
12:45pm Appointment @ St Catherine's to book our wedding date (put down deposit)
IGNITE Lifegroup meeting at Gully Park around 3-3:30pm
~ Friday 16th(?): MIDTERM for World Civ 1; Get out for Spring Break
~ March 18th -24th: SPRING BREAK
~ Thursday 22nd: Overdue Hair appointment @ 3pm
~ Friday 23rd: Eye doctor appt IN SEARCY @ 3pm
Possible rehearsal dinner for Kelly's wedding??
~ Saturday 24th: My baby sister's wedding - don't have a clue where yet or what time
Again forgetting something....
Now that I typed this all out it seems a lot less overwhelming. I still need to work up the nerve to speak to Nathan either on my own or with a good friend holding my hand. I need to work up the nerve to have 'the talk' with my parents, but I want some good 3rd party (sincere with no interest in this) advice before I do. I was thinking a counselor counselor, need to check out the counseling center at the healthcenter on campus, and I was thinking of a spiritual church figure - Nathan, Wendell, some elder or deacon who I somewhat talk to. I want to be honest and get this bitterness out of me in the least hurtful way to my parents as possible....I think that's the real reason why I haven't been able to do it yet. I don't want to hurt them because despite our messed-up relationship I still love them.
Anyhow, this was to clear my mind so I can do this task set before me and study for my oral midterm. PRAY FOR ME!!! My mind has been in what seems hundreds of different directions, and I can't focus, I can't sit still even without sleep still fidgeting, and that blasted headache sure was a great hindrance with perfect timing. Let's get a stupid painful headache the day of a paper due, two quizzes, and the day before an oral midterm in German. Praying to be a better encouragement to Clint and his job-search. I know it's tough finding them now and I'm trying so hard to keep his spirits up. But I'm starting to feel very thinly spread out again with no Trella time or no relaxing time. Between money problems, Kevin, school, trying to sell my car, my future in school, wedding planning/pricing/shopping, giving my sister moral support and encouragement for her wedding/next baby, being an encouragement to Clint, and even in starting up this Ignite group - it's a little much for my poor nerves. Not saying that I am not enjoying most of all that, or that I mind. The money and Kevin being solved/taken care of would make everything else so much more doable and less intimidating. I would love nothing more than to pay for the perfect wedding for my sister. She deserves it. She's been freaking about what's going to happen once Dad and Granny see who's marrying her and DJ - tattooed guy that will be playing the guitar. It's going to be priceless but I pray that Dad and Granny can behave and realize it's not about them and what they want. It's KELLY's and DJ's day, nobody else's well except for Dayven. For my rehearsal dinner, I wanted a causal backyard cookout at either Clint's mom's or Mitch's with maybe a band and most definitely with some sort of alcohol and dancing. I want to invite my family, and the only two who would come that would have a big problem with all that is my Dad and my Granny. Shoot I don't even know if Granny will come since I'm not having it in McRae. I really want a happy day for my wedding. It seems impossible when you throw in dad and granny though, unless you do everything their way. Not happening. Praying for just about anything in the possible light for mine and Clint's big day.
This is the other half that I need to work up the nerve to talk to my parents about. The other half is Kevin. Clint says I'm all talk right now about this and wants it resolved. I want to be sure that I'm mentally and emotionally prepared for this discussion in case of the worst. I really wish Grandpa was still here, it would make life so much easier. He would soothe Granny and guilt Dad into behaving.
So onto studying Deutsch!! Ich bin sehr nervös über meine mündliche Zwischenprüfung!!!
What I need to get DONE or WORK ON this week:
- Email progress report to my Vocational Rehab Counselor; also ask for those prescription aid programs (my meds are way too expensive)
- Get an appointment for Bunny to be shaved (her hair is too fine for my clippers)
- Taxes (!!!!!!!!!!) I need my refund now-ish!
- Fill out FAFSA for fall and summer (woopie*sarcasm*)
- Petition up to a new degree plan (from 06 where I need more science to 10-11 where I only lack my major, world lit, one world civ, and stupid adv comp CLEP)
- Meeting with CEA this Wednesday, fingers crossed that it will actually help
- Ignite Building Event Calendar meeting (yay!)
- Trying on my cousin's Casablanca Couture dress (really hope it fits, that it's my style, and I look hot in it lol)
- Cleaning/laundry etc BLAH
- Cancelling my cable and possibly internet with Cox (internet only if they try talking me into cable again)
- Work harder on trying to sell my car (yes the new one - can't afford it)
- Start looking for a job :'( I hate being poor
- Meet with my adviser about my German degree and what minors or majors I should be trying to pair with it? Very nervous about my GPA and trying to get into a masters program. Minor in French or Spanish or both? International relations - does that mean more business classes?
- Study abroad? Spring or Summer? Depends on dates and $
- Possibly change my graduation date based on all the above :'(
- Talk to mom and dad about Kevin - I CANNOT support him. If he's not going to find a job or if mom and dad doesn't care, then he needs to move home. And I'll need to find a new roommate/apartment. Sigh
- Talk to Janet about what flowers she'll have/be in season around the wedding date (ALMOST got it nailed down)
- Go ahead and cake taste at Shelby Lynn's with the cake lady Jennifer, see if she'll do a nice 'dirt cake' for Clint's groomsman cake lol
- Pay deposit and nail down wedding date this Sunday EEEEK!! :-)
- Possibly beg for money from my grandparents. I always feel so slimmy when I do do that. I hate it.
- Write down all the prices I have been accumulating and nail down a more definite wedding budget
- Work with Clint on Kelly's wedding announcements; colors lavender/lilac, orange (tiger lilies), silver(??), green(??); Patterning them similar to Nini&Pop-pop's 50th anniversary invites I think
- SAVE $$$$$$$$$:
~my wedding in general
~my bridesmaid dress for Melinda :-)
~study abroad (a MUST to get into grad school - no if's, and's or but's)
~possibly cheaper car?
There's something I'm forgetting. Oh well. I can always edit it. Note pads and my calendar on my phone work much better for me than planners. Planners are a waste of money for me because I always forget about them.
What's coming up in March: (IMPORTANT)
~ Friday 6th: Ignite Bon Fire
~ Sunday 11th: Kevin's Birthday
12:45pm Appointment @ St Catherine's to book our wedding date (put down deposit)
IGNITE Lifegroup meeting at Gully Park around 3-3:30pm
~ Friday 16th(?): MIDTERM for World Civ 1; Get out for Spring Break
~ March 18th -24th: SPRING BREAK
~ Thursday 22nd: Overdue Hair appointment @ 3pm
~ Friday 23rd: Eye doctor appt IN SEARCY @ 3pm
Possible rehearsal dinner for Kelly's wedding??
~ Saturday 24th: My baby sister's wedding - don't have a clue where yet or what time
Again forgetting something....
Now that I typed this all out it seems a lot less overwhelming. I still need to work up the nerve to speak to Nathan either on my own or with a good friend holding my hand. I need to work up the nerve to have 'the talk' with my parents, but I want some good 3rd party (sincere with no interest in this) advice before I do. I was thinking a counselor counselor, need to check out the counseling center at the healthcenter on campus, and I was thinking of a spiritual church figure - Nathan, Wendell, some elder or deacon who I somewhat talk to. I want to be honest and get this bitterness out of me in the least hurtful way to my parents as possible....I think that's the real reason why I haven't been able to do it yet. I don't want to hurt them because despite our messed-up relationship I still love them.
Anyhow, this was to clear my mind so I can do this task set before me and study for my oral midterm. PRAY FOR ME!!! My mind has been in what seems hundreds of different directions, and I can't focus, I can't sit still even without sleep still fidgeting, and that blasted headache sure was a great hindrance with perfect timing. Let's get a stupid painful headache the day of a paper due, two quizzes, and the day before an oral midterm in German. Praying to be a better encouragement to Clint and his job-search. I know it's tough finding them now and I'm trying so hard to keep his spirits up. But I'm starting to feel very thinly spread out again with no Trella time or no relaxing time. Between money problems, Kevin, school, trying to sell my car, my future in school, wedding planning/pricing/shopping, giving my sister moral support and encouragement for her wedding/next baby, being an encouragement to Clint, and even in starting up this Ignite group - it's a little much for my poor nerves. Not saying that I am not enjoying most of all that, or that I mind. The money and Kevin being solved/taken care of would make everything else so much more doable and less intimidating. I would love nothing more than to pay for the perfect wedding for my sister. She deserves it. She's been freaking about what's going to happen once Dad and Granny see who's marrying her and DJ - tattooed guy that will be playing the guitar. It's going to be priceless but I pray that Dad and Granny can behave and realize it's not about them and what they want. It's KELLY's and DJ's day, nobody else's well except for Dayven. For my rehearsal dinner, I wanted a causal backyard cookout at either Clint's mom's or Mitch's with maybe a band and most definitely with some sort of alcohol and dancing. I want to invite my family, and the only two who would come that would have a big problem with all that is my Dad and my Granny. Shoot I don't even know if Granny will come since I'm not having it in McRae. I really want a happy day for my wedding. It seems impossible when you throw in dad and granny though, unless you do everything their way. Not happening. Praying for just about anything in the possible light for mine and Clint's big day.
This is the other half that I need to work up the nerve to talk to my parents about. The other half is Kevin. Clint says I'm all talk right now about this and wants it resolved. I want to be sure that I'm mentally and emotionally prepared for this discussion in case of the worst. I really wish Grandpa was still here, it would make life so much easier. He would soothe Granny and guilt Dad into behaving.
So onto studying Deutsch!! Ich bin sehr nervös über meine mündliche Zwischenprüfung!!!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Tired of walking on eggshells.....
I am being jibed on my life and education by taking care of Kevin for my parents. I'm so tired of being the 'parent' for Kevin so they can spoil him rotten. I'm so tired of acting like everything's ok - it's not. It hasn't been in a long time. I'm so tired of my troubles being belittled while Kevin is pampered and babied. Yes I understand he's different, but this pampering and babying is doing him more damage than good. Yet I am the only one in my immediate family who sees it. Clint and I do not want to take care of Kevin, we want to try be a happily married couple when the time comes. I'm tired of worrying about Kevin when I am not his mother, I am his sister. I want him to actually like me and want to be around me, not cringed and griped when I ask him to do his dishes or laundry. I'm just so tired of how my parents treat me. It's not normal, it's not healthy, and it's just not fair. I'm sorry if this seems a lot of 'poor me' whining, but until you have been in my shoes, you cannot and will not ever know how drained and stressed I am and have been.
I want to be excited someday about having kids. I don't want the fear of having a kid a lot like Kevin instilled
into me permanently. I do want to be a mother someday. I want to enjoy being around my brother like I used to. Even in childhood and teen years, I was still his 'mom.' Mom has been sick, and in and out of hospitals and had a bad run of luck and works full time while going to school full time, and above all puts up with my dad. The thing that prevents her from being a hero to look up to is she's a defeatist. Doesn't see anything better for her, can't see a life without my dad, it's like she doesn't have the will to live. It hurts to hear her talk like she's no good and worthless, and how she talks about just sleeping through the storm because if the bad weather carried her off, everybody would be better off and she would be happy. I want to yell at her for being so selfish, for just laying over and doing nothing to better herself or her situation. I used to feel sorry for her. I used to feel sorry for myself and Kevin and Kelly. Guess what folks I don't really anymore. I am sad about how our childhood went down and how messed up we all are. I'm sad that my sister had to have a kid early and deal with all the judgement and crap my 'Christian' family gave her. BUT unlike my mom and brother, I will not roll over anymore and just take it. That's why I have always admired my sister and used to be so jealous of her. She didn't put up with any of the crap, she struggled and fought her way to find herself. I admire my sister more than my mom now because I have more faith in her to be there for me when times are tough. I have a lot of courage to work up to say all this to my parents when the time comes for me to tell them, hey here's your son back. Your turn.
If it weren't for Clint (and my friends), I would run away from everything and never look back. Just run away....maybe explore the world, preferably just disappear. To be just responsible for myself and my love, how wonderful it's going to be.
I am here too. Yes I am still one of your children, if you're going to baby one, baby them all. My cares and struggles have worth and deserve your time of day instead of being dismissed. Yes I do need the real world broken to me occasionally, but I have been out in the real world on my own now for a while and I can see so much more clearly. God, Lord please help me. I'm so thankful to have the strength to be without true parents who care and give a damn. But please why can't I have parents who care instead of tattling on each other to me like I'm their parent? Thank you so so much for Clint and my amazing friends who are true friends to me. I would be so lost without them.
I want to be excited someday about having kids. I don't want the fear of having a kid a lot like Kevin instilled
into me permanently. I do want to be a mother someday. I want to enjoy being around my brother like I used to. Even in childhood and teen years, I was still his 'mom.' Mom has been sick, and in and out of hospitals and had a bad run of luck and works full time while going to school full time, and above all puts up with my dad. The thing that prevents her from being a hero to look up to is she's a defeatist. Doesn't see anything better for her, can't see a life without my dad, it's like she doesn't have the will to live. It hurts to hear her talk like she's no good and worthless, and how she talks about just sleeping through the storm because if the bad weather carried her off, everybody would be better off and she would be happy. I want to yell at her for being so selfish, for just laying over and doing nothing to better herself or her situation. I used to feel sorry for her. I used to feel sorry for myself and Kevin and Kelly. Guess what folks I don't really anymore. I am sad about how our childhood went down and how messed up we all are. I'm sad that my sister had to have a kid early and deal with all the judgement and crap my 'Christian' family gave her. BUT unlike my mom and brother, I will not roll over anymore and just take it. That's why I have always admired my sister and used to be so jealous of her. She didn't put up with any of the crap, she struggled and fought her way to find herself. I admire my sister more than my mom now because I have more faith in her to be there for me when times are tough. I have a lot of courage to work up to say all this to my parents when the time comes for me to tell them, hey here's your son back. Your turn.
If it weren't for Clint (and my friends), I would run away from everything and never look back. Just run away....maybe explore the world, preferably just disappear. To be just responsible for myself and my love, how wonderful it's going to be.
I am here too. Yes I am still one of your children, if you're going to baby one, baby them all. My cares and struggles have worth and deserve your time of day instead of being dismissed. Yes I do need the real world broken to me occasionally, but I have been out in the real world on my own now for a while and I can see so much more clearly. God, Lord please help me. I'm so thankful to have the strength to be without true parents who care and give a damn. But please why can't I have parents who care instead of tattling on each other to me like I'm their parent? Thank you so so much for Clint and my amazing friends who are true friends to me. I would be so lost without them.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
I hate titles. They're so imposing. I think I have said that before. A title slot blows every organized thought of mine out of my head as I ponder what to call this. I hate titles.
Very excited and happy to start this new group through church. Trying to force myself to fit into the RFCs is painful. I'm not that picture perfect puzzle piece. Old friends that once took me as I am are trying to better themselves. While I appreciate their effort and admire them for it, I do not appreciate being talked to like a child or as if I'm a poor lost sinner who needs to find Jesus. Don't push your beliefs period onto anyone, just show them. If you're way of showing them your beliefs is slightly condescending, then I'm sorry I won't tolerate that either. I am a sinner yet I am a Christian too. I was forced to attend so many Harding gospel meetings growing up, had religion crammed down my throat to where I almost just wanted to pursue an atheistic view on the world. I'm no longer as Bible smart as I used to be, I'm no longer constantly striving for the utmost perfection, and guess what? I'm happier with me and my relationship with God. I never had that father-daughter relationship that apparently I was supposed to use as a reference or guide to how my relationship is supposed to be with God. When I tried to strive for that perfect 100% forgiveness of my father, I confided in the wrong person who told me that I had to get over my pride. Now that I have a cooler calmer head I realize that yes there is some pride, yet it's mostly pain, hurt and lack of trust and fear of more pain and hurt. I was conditioned to that point and it's hard to break that conditioning. Can you say that it's pride why my autistic brother won't forgive my father for the exact same reason why i just can't? No you do not say that to someone who admits years of emotional and mental abuse.
I am still thrilled with the beginning of this new group. I'm ready for more in-depth relationships with fellow Christians who won't judge me for having my own perspective. I can tell I cause my mom to think more about her faith now that I pipe up with my reasoning. For instance today, talking about how I don't believe dancing and drinking in general are bad. Anything and everything is bad if taken way too far or overly abundantly. In moderation, it's fine. How come our religion is the only one who doesn't celebrate our salvation with more passion, enough passion to want to dance for joy? When talking to her, she said it's still wrong if my social drinking offends someone. I asked her isn't it just as wrong for that person to be offend by that if it's just based on oh look at that sinner for even having one drop of that substance? Not that I push it, not that I on purposely try to offend people. I understand alcoholism and how it affects people and would hate to offend anyone for that reason. If it's because my one occasional drink is scandalous and sinful and wrong and against God's word, I'd love nothing more than to tell you to piss off. I may be wrong. I may be right. I don't know. What I won't do is push my ignorant beliefs onto someone else and guilt them about it. I abhor having other people's beliefs pushed onto me. Now I'm not saying that I'm not open to a good discussion. What I am not open to is a one-sided discussion where I am wrong.
People can say that they're Christian and go on in their life, but that doesn't always mean that they are trying to better themselves or become a better person in whole. My goal is to become a better person. To be less judgmental, have nicer things to say, control my road rage, control my language (cleaner).....also to treat my body better like it is a temple for God. Believe it or not people, my glass of wine or beer is way healthier than your soda. Diet soda drinkers, you're slowly killing yourself. I'm trying to ween myself off of caffeinated drinks to just a cup of coffee in the morning which is healthy.
My goal ultimately is to be more like my Grandpa and how he walked his path with God. Only a few have held a light to his example, like Tony. I want to be like them, where you can tell them anything whether bad or good and they accept you as you are and pray for your well-being. Not to try and change you, but to better you.
Have a LOT of homework and reading to work on - midterms coming up. I think I have to stretch out my time left in school to make this wedding more doable. So super excited to be trying on more wedding dresses including the one with my bridesmaids this Saturday!!!!!!! Eeeeek!!!! The sun is shining, I'm alive and I am well. I'm struggling but who isn't these days? I feel sorry for those who don't have to struggle and never had a hardship for when it does finally hit them, they will fall apart. I know I can stand strong, as long as I have my God and Clint on my side, I'm set. :-)
Very excited and happy to start this new group through church. Trying to force myself to fit into the RFCs is painful. I'm not that picture perfect puzzle piece. Old friends that once took me as I am are trying to better themselves. While I appreciate their effort and admire them for it, I do not appreciate being talked to like a child or as if I'm a poor lost sinner who needs to find Jesus. Don't push your beliefs period onto anyone, just show them. If you're way of showing them your beliefs is slightly condescending, then I'm sorry I won't tolerate that either. I am a sinner yet I am a Christian too. I was forced to attend so many Harding gospel meetings growing up, had religion crammed down my throat to where I almost just wanted to pursue an atheistic view on the world. I'm no longer as Bible smart as I used to be, I'm no longer constantly striving for the utmost perfection, and guess what? I'm happier with me and my relationship with God. I never had that father-daughter relationship that apparently I was supposed to use as a reference or guide to how my relationship is supposed to be with God. When I tried to strive for that perfect 100% forgiveness of my father, I confided in the wrong person who told me that I had to get over my pride. Now that I have a cooler calmer head I realize that yes there is some pride, yet it's mostly pain, hurt and lack of trust and fear of more pain and hurt. I was conditioned to that point and it's hard to break that conditioning. Can you say that it's pride why my autistic brother won't forgive my father for the exact same reason why i just can't? No you do not say that to someone who admits years of emotional and mental abuse.
I am still thrilled with the beginning of this new group. I'm ready for more in-depth relationships with fellow Christians who won't judge me for having my own perspective. I can tell I cause my mom to think more about her faith now that I pipe up with my reasoning. For instance today, talking about how I don't believe dancing and drinking in general are bad. Anything and everything is bad if taken way too far or overly abundantly. In moderation, it's fine. How come our religion is the only one who doesn't celebrate our salvation with more passion, enough passion to want to dance for joy? When talking to her, she said it's still wrong if my social drinking offends someone. I asked her isn't it just as wrong for that person to be offend by that if it's just based on oh look at that sinner for even having one drop of that substance? Not that I push it, not that I on purposely try to offend people. I understand alcoholism and how it affects people and would hate to offend anyone for that reason. If it's because my one occasional drink is scandalous and sinful and wrong and against God's word, I'd love nothing more than to tell you to piss off. I may be wrong. I may be right. I don't know. What I won't do is push my ignorant beliefs onto someone else and guilt them about it. I abhor having other people's beliefs pushed onto me. Now I'm not saying that I'm not open to a good discussion. What I am not open to is a one-sided discussion where I am wrong.
People can say that they're Christian and go on in their life, but that doesn't always mean that they are trying to better themselves or become a better person in whole. My goal is to become a better person. To be less judgmental, have nicer things to say, control my road rage, control my language (cleaner).....also to treat my body better like it is a temple for God. Believe it or not people, my glass of wine or beer is way healthier than your soda. Diet soda drinkers, you're slowly killing yourself. I'm trying to ween myself off of caffeinated drinks to just a cup of coffee in the morning which is healthy.
My goal ultimately is to be more like my Grandpa and how he walked his path with God. Only a few have held a light to his example, like Tony. I want to be like them, where you can tell them anything whether bad or good and they accept you as you are and pray for your well-being. Not to try and change you, but to better you.
Have a LOT of homework and reading to work on - midterms coming up. I think I have to stretch out my time left in school to make this wedding more doable. So super excited to be trying on more wedding dresses including the one with my bridesmaids this Saturday!!!!!!! Eeeeek!!!! The sun is shining, I'm alive and I am well. I'm struggling but who isn't these days? I feel sorry for those who don't have to struggle and never had a hardship for when it does finally hit them, they will fall apart. I know I can stand strong, as long as I have my God and Clint on my side, I'm set. :-)
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