Sigh....just when I was beginning to warm up to my dad and actually consider allowing him to have the privilege of walking me down the aisle, we're back to where I've done something terribly wrong and he's not speaking to me again. Hopefully no close family member or friend passes away or gets mortally ill back home this time.
I am the official black sheep of my family now that my sister is married. While I'm ecstatic about my dad and her being on good terms, I'm troubled by how he's always scrutinizing us to where one of us is on his good side and the other on his bad side. Kevin is Kevin and will always be on neutral if not good terms with dad. Kelly is Dad's favorite out of us girls, and we both know it just like I'm mom's favorite sometimes. Mom can sympathize with Kelly a lot on being the baby of the family and having kids early and what not. That doesn't bother me in the slightest, for my mom, nor my sister really ever act or treat me like dad does when he's not happy with me. Kevin is a whole other story, and really needs therapy so he can be my nice sweet brother to me again instead of the a$$hole he's been here lately.
Now let's get to WHY I'm on such bad terms with my dad.......it's really sad.
While my parents and nephew were in town this past weekend, we grilled out at my grandparents' in West Fork. Just in the past 2 years have I discovered how pleased my Pop-pop is that he can share a drink with me. When we are out at a restaurant or at their house for some meal, my Pop-pop loves to get out either wine or beer and give Clint and I a glass of wine/bottle of beer. I've come to really enjoy sharing these drinks with my pop-pop, because he's so happy to have someone to share it with besides my nini.
Back to the story, gorgeous Saturday afternoon grilling out on Pop-pop's patio with both the grill and fire pit lit, and Pop-pop pulls out some Miller lite and offers me one. I accepted - I love how mischievous and happy he looked. I also wondered how Dad would take it, kinda testing the waters to see if there is anyway possible to have a perfect wedding occasion without compromising what I want and without offending my family (Dad and Granny). Pop-pop offered Clint a beer, but Clint declined saying he's not quite family yet and wants to try staying on my dad's good side. I've pretty much given up on trying to please my dad and staying on his good side - the way I see it, it goes both ways, and my dad has never really tried hard to stay on my good side which isn't as impossible as it is with his good side.
I have this one beer for 20 min before Dad even notices, and he doesn't notice til we're all gathered around on the patio for our late lunch. He just gave me the most hateful glare and said it was too crowded to eat outside. Here I attempted being nice, saying no there's plenty of room out here, won't you stay. Within 30-40 min of him storming off to eat by himself inside, he packed up everything that my mom and him brought and was loading up the Sequoia. What's astounding and goes to show how offended he actually was was the fact that my dad never packs anything ever, he always orders my mom to do it with only 30 min to 2 hrs notice. He then barked at my mom to go change Dayven that they needed to get on the road. Mom got up and quietly obeyed, and they left right Dayven was loaded up in his carseat. Not a word was said to me by my dad whatsoever as they left. And that one beer is why I'm now the black sheep of the family. According to my last talk with my mom, my dad saw us, me and Pop-pop, disrespecting the memory of Grandpa....for Pop-pop being so thoughtless and offering HIS daughter a beer.....and his daughter taking the beer......no one would ever disrespect Grandpa like that......they must not respect me....blah blah blah. That's just an excuse to just be ticked off at not being able to control me. And yes I do not have much respect for my dad in regards that my disabled legally blind mother is the person who pays the bills and brings home the dough AND goes to school fulltime as well. Not to mention that she has to figure out when she can actually do her homework because dad either feels neglected and thinks she's cheating on him or he dumps the grandbaby on her to take care of. Dad plays with Dayven and only does the feeding, diaper-changing, and putting him to sleep when no one else is around to do it for him. Dad doesn't have a full time job and likes to criticize how mom's handling his mess of bills that he's racked up. I've stated multiple other reasons why I don't have much respect for him previously on this blog too and if I really got into them all, I would be basically writing a book about my life story.
Yes I did have a hunch about how he would react to the one beer, yet dad is always around friends that drink, dip or smoke and has seen the empty beer cans out in Kelly's garage. Yes my dad has also seen me drink before - every time he's come out to Clint's mom's I've had a beer and here lately every time have had a glass of wine at my grandparents'. I've also ordered one when we went out to eat once up here in Fayetteville and while he wasn't happy he wasn't throwing this big of a fit.
So I should have known better than to do such an audaciously act of disrespect? I wasn't meaning any disrespect then. In fact to me respect goes both ways - you have to earn it in order to receive any. Yes parental rights usually do warrant some respect, and that's the amount I give him. I do not respect him as a good Christian or as a good man, nor do I fully respect him as a good husband/father/son. While I've always been the one that RESPECT is demanded from, I rarely ever get any in return and never any while I'm present. Grandpa wouldn't have liked us drinking beer, yet I had so much respect for that man that I wouldn't have attempted it at all. Grandpa earned his respect plus enough respect to replace what I lack for my dad.
I don't care really about stepping on his toes anymore. What I do care about is how my own dad gets so caught up on judging every little thing we do wrong, yet we're not allowed to point out anything wrong with him. I get in trouble for caring about his health and questioning him about his diet - literally I get yelled at that's none of your business. I really have given up staying on my dad's good side, I can say that much. Everybody in our family tip-toes around him to not hurt his feelings or get on his bad side, and you know what I'm tired of it. If he was a REAL loving dad, he wouldn't trash talk his own kids about what we do that he doesn't approve of. If he wants to threaten to write me out of the will, like he has done so many times before, I'm ready to say go for it. I won't inherit your debt and you will lose me as your daughter. Turn off my cellphone line, you will never hear from me again. I'm so tired of all the one-sideness of it all - how it has to be his way or the highway. And if you're against him or disagree with him at all, you're pretty much a terrible Christian and probably will wind up in hell. That's a lot to take in as a response for an innocent question by a 12 yr old girl who was severely bullied everyday and was told to get over it by that same person.
My one beer is actually better than his careless diet and complete disregard for his heart health. Your body is a temple for the Lord remember, and drinking soda that's capable of eating battery acid and linked to cancer at every single meal and in between is far worse than the occasional ONE beer. The occasional soda is alright, yet an occasional beer is a lot more healthier for you. And if beer and alcohol is so terrible and unChristian like, then I hate to say it but a lot of our ancestors are in hell because water wasn't safe to drink for a long time way back then and most had to drink beer or fermented grape juice not by choice but by necessity. My mom giggled really hard on that last one, saying I probably shouldn't say that one to him. I'm not trying to justify myself for the one beer. Technically what I'm at fault at is causing my dad to stumbled for having one drink and being like this. I am responsible for that yes. I wasn't trying to influence him or peer-pressure him to drink, I was just trying to enjoy a sunny afternoon with my family.
The main reason why all this is disconcerting is I cannot have my fun rehearsal dinner and my dad and granny there. It's not going to be possible. I have a ton of options still. My main hang up on just trying to please them is my wedding day will already be oriented to keep them mostly happy (they're still not happy that I'm not getting married in McRae). And that's my compromise - a wedding day that won't upset my family (which might just be a waste of time seeing how my dad as of right now won't be walking me down the aisle) and a fun causal relaxed rehearsal dinner where we can let loose and just relax. I'm very happy with that compromise too and think it's very reasonable. I'm torn on going ahead and inviting dad and granny without warning about the alcohol or telling them about the alcohol and inviting them. If I want a happy wedding day and still want to attempt having this fun relaxed rehearsal dinner, it may have to be a party the night of the wedding so dad and granny will behave for the big event. Yes I'm selfish about this - it's my wedding day though and it's supposed to be oriented around what Clint and I want and we both have sacrificed a lot of what we would really like or how we wanted to get married and where. My granny is going to go to her grave mad at me for my 40 dollar haircuts no matter what I do, and I will never be the daughter my dad wants me to be. I'm not a mindless idiot who likes to be bossed around like a nun/slave. Yes that's weird but dad likes to try controlling what you wear and what you do and how you act. All that with me?! Lol that explains my multiple mouth-washings, whippings, and groundings.
I guess I got a little carried away with my rant. What's wrong with having a dad who accepts you for you? I can handle disappointment, and I could handle and understand how my dad treats me if it were for something much more severe. Clint tried to tell me to just stay on his good side, and so does my mom. Both my sister and I know that that's impossible, he always finds something to throw one of his fits about. Always has and always will. And I'm supposed to get used to that? Sadly, I already have and this is me tired of it, tired of having to bow down to someone who doesn't respect me and someone who claims to be Christian and acts like the opposite entirely. Yes I was wrong for playing with fire for the one beer. Why I get so upset and why I went ahead and had the one beer - dad is never sorry (by that I mean verbally outloud; years go by before there's a slight in forgiving action) and doesn't think he has to be. And he doesn't see why he should be sorry, seeing how righteous he is.
To wrap this up, please pray for me and my family for peace and understanding. Please please pray for my dad because after all that above he's still my dad and I love him, and I do believe he could go to hell. And he's not healthy - blood pressure and every man on that side of the family save my grandpa died from heart disease. Every single one. Also pray that I'm not in more trouble for being verbal about all this.
No comments:
Post a Comment