I hate titles.  They're so imposing.  I think I have said that before.  A title slot blows every organized thought of mine out of my head as I ponder what to call this.  I hate titles.

Very excited and happy to start this new group through church.  Trying to force myself to fit into the RFCs is painful.  I'm not that picture perfect puzzle piece. Old friends that once took me as I am are trying to better themselves.  While I appreciate their effort and admire them for it, I do not appreciate being talked to like a child or as if I'm a poor lost sinner who needs to find Jesus.  Don't push your beliefs period onto anyone, just show them.  If you're way of showing them your beliefs is slightly condescending, then I'm sorry I won't tolerate that either.  I am a sinner yet I am a Christian too.  I was forced to attend so many Harding gospel meetings growing up, had religion crammed down my throat to where I almost just wanted to pursue an atheistic view on the world.  I'm no longer as Bible smart as I used to be, I'm no longer constantly striving for the utmost perfection, and guess what?  I'm happier with me and my relationship with God.  I never had that father-daughter relationship that apparently I was supposed to use as a reference or guide to how my relationship is supposed to be with God.  When I tried to strive for that perfect 100% forgiveness of my father, I confided in the wrong person who told me that I had to get over my pride.  Now that I have a cooler calmer head I realize that yes there is some pride, yet it's mostly pain, hurt and lack of trust and fear of more pain and hurt.  I was conditioned to that point and it's hard to break that conditioning.  Can you say that it's pride why my autistic brother won't forgive my father for the exact same reason why i just can't?  No you do not say that to someone who admits years of emotional and mental abuse.  

I am still thrilled with the beginning of this new group.  I'm ready for more in-depth relationships with fellow Christians who won't judge me for having my own perspective.  I can tell I cause my mom to think more about her faith now that I pipe up with my reasoning.  For instance today, talking about how I don't believe dancing and drinking in general are bad.  Anything and everything is bad if taken way too far or overly abundantly.  In moderation, it's fine.  How come our religion is the only one who doesn't celebrate our salvation with more passion, enough passion to want to dance for joy?  When talking to her, she said it's still wrong if my social drinking offends someone.  I asked her isn't it just as wrong for that person to be offend by that if it's just based on oh look at that sinner for even having one drop of that substance?  Not that I push it, not that I on purposely try to offend people.  I understand alcoholism and how it affects people and would hate to offend anyone for that reason.  If it's because my one occasional drink is scandalous and sinful and wrong and against God's word, I'd love nothing more than to tell you to piss off.  I may be wrong.  I may be right.  I don't know.  What I won't do is push my ignorant beliefs onto someone else and guilt them about it.  I abhor having other people's beliefs pushed onto me.  Now I'm not saying that I'm not open to a good discussion.  What I am not open to is a one-sided discussion where I am wrong.

People can say that they're Christian and go on in their life, but that doesn't always mean that they are trying to better themselves or become a better person in whole.   My goal is to become a better person.  To be less judgmental, have nicer things to say, control my road rage, control my language (cleaner).....also to treat my body better like it is a temple for God.  Believe it or not people, my glass of wine or beer is way healthier than your soda.  Diet soda drinkers, you're slowly killing yourself.  I'm trying to ween myself off of caffeinated drinks to just a cup of coffee in the morning which is healthy.

My goal ultimately is to be more like my Grandpa and how he walked his path with God.  Only a few have held a light to his example, like Tony.  I want to be like them, where you can tell them anything whether bad or good and they accept you as you are and pray for your well-being.  Not to try and change you, but to better you.

Have a LOT of homework and reading to work on - midterms coming up.  I think I have to stretch out my time left in school to make this wedding more doable.  So super excited to be trying on more wedding dresses including the one with my bridesmaids this Saturday!!!!!!!  Eeeeek!!!!  The sun is shining, I'm alive and I am well.  I'm struggling but who isn't these days?  I feel sorry for those who don't have to struggle and never had a hardship for when it does finally hit them, they will fall apart.  I know I can stand strong, as long as I have my God and Clint on my side, I'm set.  :-)