Been over a year

A year. June 8th, 2013 I married the love of my life. Our first anniversary is days away and yet since we've been married he hasn't posted any pics of us together. Not even any from the wedding. Not even our engagement pics. Nothing. I feel childish that this bothers me but it still does. Not once. The pics of us posted on his account is from me posting. It makes me feel like I'm not worth showing to him. He recently admitted that the reason why we don't go out more is because he can't trust me in the company of others. Because 'I'm unstable.' And untrustworthy. He's afraid I'll cause a scene. I wonder if he secretly regrets marrying me. 

So I remain cooped up due to my 'instability' and because of the pain. So I've had plenty of time to contemplate 'pain.' I've lived with it since 2011, since the concussion. It's pushed my friends and family away. Admitting that it was me and not the pain's fault just isn't something I can do at this point in time. Friends are there for friends. But after time when the pain just doesn't get any better and you're too afraid to discuss it with anybody for fear they'll think of you as a constant complainer, friends drift on in their busy lives. People don't really want to know the truth when they ask how you are. They expect the usual replies and only seek out pleasant exchanges. No one wants to know about the pain. Doctors brush it off and put you on meds that don't help. And some even though you have the referral and most definitely meet the criteria to be a patient, they never call. 

It gets me to the point where I know that people do care about me but they don't care about the pain. Be more positive they say. You need to work on being less negative. Pray tell me how when I can't even take the sheets off the bed to put them in the washer, or like today when I can't even walk around my own house without passing out from the pain. Your husband desperately needs you to help around the house but you can't even make it to the bathroom. You end up crawling just to not piss yourself. 

The pain causes swelling on my head, down my neck and back. So intense at times I blacked out or throw up.  Positive thoughts for the day - only threw up once and when I was at my lowest and attempted reaching out to family and friends not one replied back. I then turn to my poor sweet stressed out husband and start to confide my feelings and why I'm so upset he snaps that I need to get myself out of this funk and that he can't take much more than this and that he can't wait til I'm fixed.  Even admitted he didn't like this new me that he missed the sweet Trella he fell in love with. 

Then you try to tell me to focus on the positive, and give up on me when I can't. Therefore in conclusion I feel all is hopeless. My husband's shutting me out and is beginning to resent me. The more I'm shut out the worse my mood swings get. Nobody wants to understand me and what's going on. They all just ask well what have you done for.  Still nobody gets what I need, what I crave. 

I crave the sort of comforting that used to always be readily available to me no matter what was going on. He would drop everything just to come and hold me close and tell me everything's going to be alright. I miss my grandpa, his patience, never-ending comfort, love and understanding, his constant willingness to help others. The only other people who came close to my grandpa's example either have died or moved away. Clint though he's still here physically, he's beginning to drift away from me. I'm too much to handle. 

And our anniversary is days away. Clint's devastated over his company and it's progress. So it's entirely not his fault right? He'll surely remember our anniversary? Even tho he never posts pictures of us, of me. I don't deserve or want anything. All I want to be heard when I try talking about my feelings. Not interrupted and then told that they understand what I'm going through. And that when I want scream no they don't. I just want to be soothed and comforted, loved. Gentle compassion instead of what I should do or try or what I'm doing wrong or how I should stop obsessing, being depressed. 

Nobody gets it. I wouldn't be so down, depressed if I just had someone kind just soothe me and tell me it's all going to be ok. And the last person who did that exactly was the passenger of the car that sideswiped me. I received more soothing and comfort from her than anybody else in a very long time. Clint was preoccupied with the damage and the trooper and was concerned for me. But a total stranger had comforted and soothed me better than my own husband. 

Is it wrong to just want to be lied to by wishing to hear that everything's going to be ok? It rips me up that instead of being able to turn to my husband I have to cry in secret and try some other way to get what's bottled up inside of me, all the dark depressive thoughts, the feelings of hopelessness and being lost. Most importantly I feel lonely. Because I am alone lost in all this pain. I'm alone because of never-ending pain. Pain is loneliness. I had so been looking forward to our first anniversary, what he's planning, what our plans will be. I long for happiness not my own but his. And all I seem to do is just get in the way of him having that happiness. 

I would never ask him to change. But apparently I have to in order for him to want to take me out more often to see friends. And it just breaks my heart. That I can't do anything, that he's so unhappy, that he doesn't know how to comfort and soothe like a complete stranger could. So now it's no longer physical pain torturing me, emotional and mental are starting to gang up on me now. And now I'm filled with guilt for exposing my true feelings in a very inappropriate manner. I'm supposed to be a good wife who uplifts her husband, not slandering him. But I'm at a loss at what I should do. Total loss. I pray he doesn't resent me for this. The thing is if I could choose his happiness or an end to my pain, I would always choose him first. I just wish he could be happy even if I'm not the one who makes him happy. 

There I've said too much. Prayers for my husband please. He needs them more than me. 

Busy busy little bee I be

Well it's been forever. This year just seems like the longest year ever....waiting for June to creep on up. And creep up it did because now I'm panicking trying to get everything wedding done along with catching up with school and working on the new house.

We just started our marriage counseling last Sunday with Nick. As Clint fondly says, Nick is the closest thing to Scottrick. I miss him so much - Scott just exudes God and Christ wherever he goes. Scott makes being a happy faithful Christian contagious. So far Nick is no Scott but still close enough to make us happy.

We have begun with the whole wedding deal becoming an inconvenience to many already. My mom doesn't want to go broke on her mother of the bride dress, and she continues the victim act without any desire to better herself. My dad is being ornery and says he won't shave his nappy beard off - just trying to goad me into being upset. What father tries to get a rise out of his daughter in the crunch months before a stressful wedding - mine. And he's the main reason why the whole thing has been stressful. It could be worse it really could. But it's still not healthy or good for what we have going for our relationship. My brother acts like anything and everything to do with me is worse than death and treats me like a spick of dirt. Who would have thought that my wild child of a sister would be the most normal out of our dysfunctional family, next to me of course? It is truly sad that I am the normal one.

My family is still in an uproar and not getting along - my dad and uncle Tim aren't on speaking terms over just a bunch of arrogant stupidness. Both too proud to even bend a little. If they are still like this next Christmas I don't even want to go to the Smith side. I cannot handle all their petty differences - stresses me out to no end. I feel like I'm the only one moving forward from all this, not getting caught up like the rest. I never ever felt like I fit in with even my own family. Even more of a longer, sadder story that I just don't want to touch.

It's becoming hard to find happiness in the little things as I struggle with all my constant multitasking. The new house has helped immensely but what's next after this becomes less new? I just want to be able to go on those walks I used to just take randomly without a care in the world. I just want to have a rocking awesome bachelorette party. Not too sure how that's going to turn out - apparently my sister's wild streak isn't too far off from my own. But that's what happens when you are raised in an extremely strict environment with never-ending rules upon rules.

I mentioned (hopefully I did) about how happy my mom was a while back when dad said he was proud of me, with her saying he's never said that before like that. I thought sadly no no he hasn't. That was always Grandpa or Pop-pop or Nini or my mom to tell me that. Never ever my dad or my granny. Too proud. So yes I cried and I cried - I am honestly at a loss for why I'm still not over this. Why it still hurts. I feel like when I briefly interact with them that things have gotten better and that I've moved on but something just keeps bringing me back to the pain and all the drama my family causes.

Now with this equal rights whole ordeal blowing up, all I can do is pray that this does not carry over onto my wedding day. I pray that it does not rain and isn't stupid humid. I pray that by some miracle my family will all come together and be happy to be together with me on this day. I pray that I devote myself better to The Lord and that I don't slide off the track. I have been here lately with everything. It's just been too much. Everything. Um hi hello I need a vacation from life in general please?

I pray that Clint and I can start off forever on the right foot and everybody is happy. Lord be with me as I continue to fight my way through to the end. I'm not giving up and I can do all of this. I know I can. Super Trella thinking sponge brain - go!

I am blessed immensely but I still can't help but wonder....

Is it too much to ask for everybody to just get along for once? To stop fighting and appreciate this day that The Lord has made.

Looking forward to Mount Comfort's Easter service and to celebrating Jesus's resurrection. Thank you Lord.

It's been a while but I might be posting on this more regularly now due to Clint letting it slip that my friends have been talking behind my back and think I'm a drama queen due to my Facebook posts. So apparently I either am just going to a ton of stressful stuff or I just truly don't have any true friends like I thought I did.

So no more Facebook posts from me, except for the random pictures. I guess I just gotta get used to being more of a loner - friends don't text or call me, i haven't tried to either recently and school and work are literally turning me into a nutcase loner that nobody wants to be around. My parents and brother don't even care to call and check in on me. I have Clint and right now I ever so barely have him - been pushing him away due to my moodiness from being so stressed and overworked. Hopefully seeing how I really only have one friend that reads these posts on here maybe I can eliminate the talking behind my back and maybe I'll have friends that actually want to do something with me without them knowing that I know about it. It's my biggest fear, worry and nightmare all come true which is having my friends talk behind my back. So if I seem distant that's why - I won't let anybody in again until I feel like I can trust them.

Well it literally has been A WHILE! Whoops. I've been keeping busy wiyh school/life in general and was busy all summer long with my job at Vista. I'm looking forward to subbing some there soon.

Updates: THE dress has been ordered. The photographers have been booked for the wedding day June 8th and for our engagement session on Oct 20th. Wedding plans are moving along nicely: next up cake tasting/deposit, paying off ceremony site/dresses/photographers, finding Clint/groomsmen wear, and Clint is working on the invitations.

School is going well and I'm currently still trying to figure out when I'm studying abroad. I'm taking intermediate French 1, World Lit 1, German Lit, and advanced German 1.

Things are going well with me and Clint, nothing more than the occasional argument. Now on the other hand, there's a chance that there's a hiccup with who is in our wedding party.

I spent some time at Clint's so we could see each other and I did some thorough cleaning in the kitchen, the fridge and the utility room to try and help out. The utility room was covered in clothes laying in the floor. Most of them looked like they were Mitch's and so in attempt of being nice and not letting that hinder my productiveness, I go ahead and wash all that laundry and put it on his bed. Later while I was cooking dinner for them, Mitch comes home so I tell him about the laundry and how most of it looked like it was his and that I put it in his bed clean. Also said to look through and check to see if it was all his and if it wasn't to give it to me I would take care of it.

Wednesday morning rolls around and I'm having a pretty good day when Clint texts me while I'm in class, saying worst day ever. At first he wouldn't tell me and just said it was work but then later when on the phone with him, he told me that my cleaning and me being over there too much had upset Mitch and that the two of them got into a huge argument over Facebook messenger and texts. Clint still refuses to tell me what was exactly said but did tell me the general response from those who had - coworkers ticked off and livid with how mitch treats his friends and one even offered Clint a place to stay until he finds his own place and his brother saying that he was the most inconsiderate douchbag ever and said he was done with him. Clint even himself said that that waste final straw and he wasn't going to put up with it anymore. He choked up when the wedding party was mentioned and we had already previously talked about it - how if Mitch continued to be flat out mean and act like a douchebag to me, then I couldn't have him in our wedding party. Clint understood and whole-heatedly agreed. After the blow-up between them, Clint told me that he realized just how important I am to him and that I'm more than a girlfriend, fiancé and best friend to him.

So pretty much, Clint's friend Mitch is now no more than his idiot landlord who doesn't allow women over unless there's something in it for him. I am no longer allowed over there.

I still feel terrible and think that I caused all this. Shari and Clint both have tried reasoning with me saying it's not my fault he got that way over me cleaning and that he's the one with the problem. I understand that and all but I still feel terrible. I thought Mitch was my friend. I really did. I still have no idea what he said and I want to know. It hurts a lot, thinking that someone I used to call friend despises my presence that much and is that ungrateful and selfish.

I want to ask God why are there people so selfish and inconsiderate yet still am to claim to be blessed. He doesn't have a care in the world for money even though he claims he does. If he really did, then he couldn't afford eating out every single meal and going to at least 20 concerts a year and go out drinking in Dickson every weekend if not more. Then there's people like Clint, who is so caring and willing to help to the point he becomes jaded with it yet he still does it. He's a hard worker and cannot stand not being busy yet is pinching money just so he can pay his bills and help his poor fiancé afford their wedding and her a running set of wheels with full coverage. Why is it that the lazy selfish douche has it so easy while the hard-working selfless struggles? Don't try telling me of the parables in the bible - I do not care. I know and fully understand life isn't fair. I guess I'm tire of Clint being walked on by 'friends' like Mitch.

Where's the Love?

So I think it's incredibly sad that when I'm in so much pain to the point where I'm sure my leg is broken, my fiance's new coworkers and family were more worried about me than my own family.  Even my coworkers were too.  My mom acted like it was an inconvenience, my brother was his usual autistic self, my sister was the only one slightly concerned poking fun at me for being clumsy, dad more worried about my autistic brother getting back in college.  The last straw was I never ask for help unless I need it, and thanks to my medical bills I needed it so I could starve yet pay my car payment.  I asked my pop-pop and he replied that I was an adult.  I feel like I've been totally abandoned by my family.  I don't blame my pop-pop and I'm not mad at him in the slightest.  After how my dad has treated us all when it comes to HIS money, it crushed me.  My dad threw a huge fit recently about how all his money was disappearing before he could use any of it to live large.  Never mind he has three kids and a disabled wife.  Let's rewarded the kid who doesn't do anything with his time besides playing video games with all your attention and make sure he gets to where he needs to in life - never mind it's almost 20 yrs too late.  He should have had this help years ago. 

I've had some issues with all this in the past where it seems that my family just simply does not care unless they stand to gain something.  I'm tired of getting hurt by my own family. 

As I'm typing this my dad is demanding to know whether or not I support the gay agenda.  Hi Dad nice to hear from you too.  Yes my leg is slightly better, still hurts a little.  How was my day? It was ok, how was yours?  Isn't this how normal families talk to one another?  Like I would tell him how I truly feel about it.  Morally I believe it's a sin, legally I don't know.  When it comes down to equal rights then yes.  But only then. 

This answer is demanded of me all because I said something via facebook about how I was so sick and tired of seeing both sides gripe each other out and how they both need to grow up and could use some tolerance toward the other.  I respond well to common decency and if I can't see it then what's the point of picking sides? 

A Lot on My Mind

It's been a while.  I've started my summer job with an outpatient mental facility back in May.  While I really thrive on the work and thoroughly enjoy my job, there are days where I must bottle every emotion I feel and keep pushing on.  Ignore my sadness at this one kid's home life, ignore my wishes of just giving everything I have to make their world a better place. Ignore my anger at that moment when a kid is acting out. Ignore my bad feelings for having to make these kids cry, to push them to their limit.  Friday was one of my hardest days there - I had to document in detail everything one of my 7 yr olds was saying about how he wanted to kill himself, so he could be assessed and possibly admitted back into in-patient.  I found myself sitting there what kind of world are we living in that a 7 yr old is suicidal?  How can a 7 yr old who's supposed to be innocent and clean can feel such hopelessness?   I wanted to scream at the DHS people for not taking him away from his neglectful mother who just randomly leaves him alone at night and lets her friends whip him.  I still do want to scream.  As I document everything this 7 yr old says, I have to ask him how he would do it and why and try really hard to get those answers out of him, then report to his therapist.  And Clint wonders why I'm in such odd moods when I come home from work?  Hmmm....   Anyhow after bottling up all these emotions from work and Clint being sweet and taking me out to eat, Clint decided to horse around after our movie and turned off the lights and screeched like a raptor.  When he flicked back on the light, I was in the exact same spot when the light was turned off except crumbled in the floor, laughing and crying.  Next thing I know I'm sobbing and having a mini panic attack.   It lift a ton of weight off my chest and I felt better afterward.  But despite having a great weekend, I keep finding my thoughts and prayers wandering to my poor suicidal 7yr, and how he must be feeling if he's been admitted and is in in-patient. 

On a brighter note ---->  CLINT GOT A JOB!!!  Praise the Lord and thank you Lord!  And we've been having a great weekend, despite him having to bite his tongue about babies all because some of our friends were over and there were 3 toddlers there. 

No rest for the Wicked

I don't even know where to begin.  As always there's so many ups and much much more downs that have occurred since I was last on here.  And I'm trapped right now and don't know what to do.

Whoever told me, "Life's just not fair, honey..." didn't really hit it home to how much so it isn't.  That the good, hard-working people of this world will be repeatedly screwed over and over despite all their efforts, prayers and good faith, while all the lazy inconsiderate douches have it easy and reap in all the rewards to rub it in to these good hard-working people.  Haha ironically the song that my shuffle landed on just now is "Ain't No Rest for the Wicked."  Thank you Lord for the irony, but I need some help here - not irony.  Just helps to drive home that my wicked sins and mistakes will never let me rest and be happy.  Ever. 

I want light in my life in all aspects.  I strive to be the best person I can be, finally have school sorted out to where my life is starting to make sense.  Found a job and am barely making it by with some debt but I'm alive and well and am able to eat something with a roof over my head.  But now my Clint's depression has hit a new whole level and I want to scream at the Lord God Almighty to please do something.  Do something so he can be happy because I'm not enough.  I want to be, but I've screwed up and will never be totally forgiven by him for my mistakes.  I'm so tired of not being good enough - I've learned a long time ago how insufficient I am thanks to my father.  My self-worth which has been soaring has violently crashed into a bottomless abyss.  I want to climb out but can't.  I will never be fully forgiven by the most important person in the world to me.

If what we've got falls through, I pray that I can just disappear.  I don't want to live or try at live anymore if we fail.  I want nothing more to be happy with him and with God but definitely falling short on both of those. 

I'm so fed up of getting the short end of the deal.  Do you hear me Lord?  Can you please just once not just let me cave in under it all?  I know everything else has made me stronger but this one will kill me.  I cannot do it.  I've been trying to give it all to you Lord and I know I've been falling short.   I will always fall short no matter what I do so I don't understand why I even try.  I'm so so tired of fighting for every happy moment with everything I have in me, or letting people have their way so they can be happy and completely walk over me.  I want a dad who loves me.  I want my grandpa back.  I want my mom to stop letting my dad walk over her.  I want a real brother, not a brother who is basically a step-son to me.  I want a family that gives a damn about me and encourages me instead of nick-picking me to pieces.  I want to have Clint and my friends both, and both want to spend time with me.  I want to not have to fight for everything and only be rewarded with "strength." With that strength comes along scars that will never heal, will never go away.  I want to be whole.  I want to be the needy one that gets to whine to others.  I want to be able to say what's on my mind without being a bitch.  I want a happier life, starting with Clint being happier, with Clint finding a job.  I know that this is his test and is testing his faith, but testing his faith in this is destroying what I have with him.  I can't fix it, and I can't help him with it.  I don't want to make threats to you Lord.  I just want to be given an inch every once in a while, so I feel like I have meaning and worth.  Grandpa was able to save me last time from this.  This time what can save me is Clint being happy and us being happy.  I'm not settling for anything less.  I seem childish drawing a line but I don't know what else to do.  I'll try losing all my pride and become an f'n begger if it means Clint and I can be happy. 

Why can Clint have one ounce of happiness or contentment?