I am being jibed on my life and education by taking care of Kevin for my parents. I'm so tired of being the 'parent' for Kevin so they can spoil him rotten. I'm so tired of acting like everything's ok - it's not. It hasn't been in a long time. I'm so tired of my troubles being belittled while Kevin is pampered and babied. Yes I understand he's different, but this pampering and babying is doing him more damage than good. Yet I am the only one in my immediate family who sees it. Clint and I do not want to take care of Kevin, we want to try be a happily married couple when the time comes. I'm tired of worrying about Kevin when I am not his mother, I am his sister. I want him to actually like me and want to be around me, not cringed and griped when I ask him to do his dishes or laundry. I'm just so tired of how my parents treat me. It's not normal, it's not healthy, and it's just not fair. I'm sorry if this seems a lot of 'poor me' whining, but until you have been in my shoes, you cannot and will not ever know how drained and stressed I am and have been.
I want to be excited someday about having kids. I don't want the fear of having a kid a lot like Kevin instilled
into me permanently. I do want to be a mother someday. I want to enjoy being around my brother like I used to. Even in childhood and teen years, I was still his 'mom.' Mom has been sick, and in and out of hospitals and had a bad run of luck and works full time while going to school full time, and above all puts up with my dad. The thing that prevents her from being a hero to look up to is she's a defeatist. Doesn't see anything better for her, can't see a life without my dad, it's like she doesn't have the will to live. It hurts to hear her talk like she's no good and worthless, and how she talks about just sleeping through the storm because if the bad weather carried her off, everybody would be better off and she would be happy. I want to yell at her for being so selfish, for just laying over and doing nothing to better herself or her situation. I used to feel sorry for her. I used to feel sorry for myself and Kevin and Kelly. Guess what folks I don't really anymore. I am sad about how our childhood went down and how messed up we all are. I'm sad that my sister had to have a kid early and deal with all the judgement and crap my 'Christian' family gave her. BUT unlike my mom and brother, I will not roll over anymore and just take it. That's why I have always admired my sister and used to be so jealous of her. She didn't put up with any of the crap, she struggled and fought her way to find herself. I admire my sister more than my mom now because I have more faith in her to be there for me when times are tough. I have a lot of courage to work up to say all this to my parents when the time comes for me to tell them, hey here's your son back. Your turn.
If it weren't for Clint (and my friends), I would run away from everything and never look back. Just run away....maybe explore the world, preferably just disappear. To be just responsible for myself and my love, how wonderful it's going to be.
I am here too. Yes I am still one of your children, if you're going to baby one, baby them all. My cares and struggles have worth and deserve your time of day instead of being dismissed. Yes I do need the real world broken to me occasionally, but I have been out in the real world on my own now for a while and I can see so much more clearly. God, Lord please help me. I'm so thankful to have the strength to be without true parents who care and give a damn. But please why can't I have parents who care instead of tattling on each other to me like I'm their parent? Thank you so so much for Clint and my amazing friends who are true friends to me. I would be so lost without them.
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