I don't even know where to begin. As always there's so many ups and much much more downs that have occurred since I was last on here. And I'm trapped right now and don't know what to do.
Whoever told me, "Life's just not fair, honey..." didn't really hit it home to how much so it isn't. That the good, hard-working people of this world will be repeatedly screwed over and over despite all their efforts, prayers and good faith, while all the lazy inconsiderate douches have it easy and reap in all the rewards to rub it in to these good hard-working people. Haha ironically the song that my shuffle landed on just now is "Ain't No Rest for the Wicked." Thank you Lord for the irony, but I need some help here - not irony. Just helps to drive home that my wicked sins and mistakes will never let me rest and be happy. Ever.
I want light in my life in all aspects. I strive to be the best person I can be, finally have school sorted out to where my life is starting to make sense. Found a job and am barely making it by with some debt but I'm alive and well and am able to eat something with a roof over my head. But now my Clint's depression has hit a new whole level and I want to scream at the Lord God Almighty to please do something. Do something so he can be happy because I'm not enough. I want to be, but I've screwed up and will never be totally forgiven by him for my mistakes. I'm so tired of not being good enough - I've learned a long time ago how insufficient I am thanks to my father. My self-worth which has been soaring has violently crashed into a bottomless abyss. I want to climb out but can't. I will never be fully forgiven by the most important person in the world to me.
If what we've got falls through, I pray that I can just disappear. I don't want to live or try at live anymore if we fail. I want nothing more to be happy with him and with God but definitely falling short on both of those.
I'm so fed up of getting the short end of the deal. Do you hear me Lord? Can you please just once not just let me cave in under it all? I know everything else has made me stronger but this one will kill me. I cannot do it. I've been trying to give it all to you Lord and I know I've been falling short. I will always fall short no matter what I do so I don't understand why I even try. I'm so so tired of fighting for every happy moment with everything I have in me, or letting people have their way so they can be happy and completely walk over me. I want a dad who loves me. I want my grandpa back. I want my mom to stop letting my dad walk over her. I want a real brother, not a brother who is basically a step-son to me. I want a family that gives a damn about me and encourages me instead of nick-picking me to pieces. I want to have Clint and my friends both, and both want to spend time with me. I want to not have to fight for everything and only be rewarded with "strength." With that strength comes along scars that will never heal, will never go away. I want to be whole. I want to be the needy one that gets to whine to others. I want to be able to say what's on my mind without being a bitch. I want a happier life, starting with Clint being happier, with Clint finding a job. I know that this is his test and is testing his faith, but testing his faith in this is destroying what I have with him. I can't fix it, and I can't help him with it. I don't want to make threats to you Lord. I just want to be given an inch every once in a while, so I feel like I have meaning and worth. Grandpa was able to save me last time from this. This time what can save me is Clint being happy and us being happy. I'm not settling for anything less. I seem childish drawing a line but I don't know what else to do. I'll try losing all my pride and become an f'n begger if it means Clint and I can be happy.
Why can Clint have one ounce of happiness or contentment?
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