Life isn't FAIR

Life isn't fair.  I know this and have known it for quite sometime.  No matter how hard I try it seems like I'm set up to fail or just not have enough money to succeed.  It at times seems like it's my destiny to fail as many times as possible.  I do have a praise out of all this failures and lack of money - I am no quitter.  Stubborn, hard-headed, the red hair helps, raised on a farm and know that you can't quit when the going gets tough.  It builds character, shows your resilience and I hope in my case shows that I really do strive to be a good person and a faithful Christian despite the odds.  I pray that the devil doesn't take this as a challenge, I don't wish for nor want more challenges or hardships than what I already have or had.

It hurts so bad to stand to the side to watch the person I love the most deteriorate from depression and lack of job.  He connects being employed to who he is and his self-worth, and I try to tell him your job isn't what makes you who you are.  It's much much more than that but that's what disturbs me the most in all this.  Clint is a fair-weather Razorback fan, and he's also a fair-weather person and Christian at times.  I feel terrible to admit it but he is.  He doesn't show it, does a great job at hiding it, but he's already dealt with more pain and loss than any other person I know of.  So I can't blame him for that, because despite all that pain and loss he hasn't given up on God yet and I am so proud of him for that.  I admire him for being calm and cool-headed despite the chaos raging around us, despite losing his father, grandfather and grandmother all in a year span, despite watching the other grandma deteriorate from Alzheimer's, despite watching most of his family the good ones die leaving him alive and sometimes feeling alone..... He's so strong and is a good person.  It hurts to watch him suffer so much and try his hardest.  He is NOT a failure even though he thinks he is.  He's always willing to help out a friend, even when that friend knows he's jobless and close to being broke, and that friend doesn't pay him.  It is so hard to stand to the side and watch your other half beat himself up and sink further and further into depression that the only thing that can fix it is a job.

That being said when he gets like this, it's like if he can't have some hope, he can't stand for others to have any either.  On our way to our life group, he decides to tell me that it's stupid and irresponsible of us to try having a wedding here for financial purposes. Yes we are in debt already, and have been making every payment on time, but because of that we can't afford the wedding.  That's what he told me before I was supposed to be happy around our friends.  I know all this, but I don't want to give up on it.  Have a smaller on site wedding ceremony and invite everyone else to the reception.  I am trying to explore every possibility trying to keep everything cheap.  I am trying so hard, and him saying that just crushed me.  Why try to put on this blasted show for people who are family yet barely know me?  Why the show?  Why can't we be ourselves and be happy?  Why can't my dad get up off his ass and get a consistent paying job?  Not that he doesn't work and bring in some income, but he assumes it's all his and gets mad at my mom for using that money he made to pay bills.

Why can't we just get a break to where we can not try so hard to be happy?  I'm not forcing myself to stay in love with him, I'm not forcing myself to make do with what I have in regards with Clint, I am forcing myself to be happy with what I've got and my financial situation and with my health and all my allergies.  Clint is my sunshine, and I miss having my sunshine shining bright.  I'm ready for this storm to pass.  I pray and pray and pray and try to be encouraging to him.  I don't feel like it's getting me anywhere.  I'm tired of praying now.  I just want it to work, and want to say to God, "Alright I'm done giving, all my effort should count for something."  I want I want....I need it to work.  I need to keep praying so I don't feel like everything is lost and meaningless.  I need my happy Clint back again.  All these new happy friends have helped me tremendously but now I'm putting my foot down - I need my Clint back.  I am not going to settle with the rotten end of this deal.  I am not giving up on him either.  Yes I'm going to be selfish in this matter and not going to take anything less.  I'm not going to say that I deserve it, but my effort should count for something.  I know this is the redheaded way of approaching this problem with God, but I've prayed and prayed, tried being a better person.  I do not deserve anything, but Clint does.  He deserves to be happy, he deserves better.

Clint's great-uncle Wade is probably going to die soon.  He's 83 and has lived a full life, and is now suffering.  He has some spinal disease or disorder and his spine is crushing his windpipe.  His aunt Helen and he agreed to do away with the feeding tube and keep him sedated so he can go peacefully.  Yes this is his great-uncle, 2nd great-uncle to die in less than a year.  To Clint, he is family, was around when he lost almost all of his, kept things lively, and is a total sweetheart and devote Christian.  He has been giving kisses to nurses, to me and to his future grandson's wife motioning us in closer acting like he had something to tell us (he can't speak up too well) and sneaked a small peck on the cheek.  Then would look around and ask if we got caught - yes this man on his death bed is still a sweetheart and up to no good whatsoever.  Reminds me of my Grandpa.  And the last time he did this with me today, I watched his eyes roll up into his head and while holding his hand felt no life in him for a split second and then he would snap out of it and start breathing again.  He did this twice.  It's hard to describe how I felt in those split seconds and how I feel about it now - I remember thinking I should not be the one holding his hand as he passes. One of his kids or his wife of 50+ yrs or one of his grandkids.....I was horrified that here I was trying to be consoling and was hogging up this good man's last moments.  When he came to, he wouldn't let go of my hand.  I tried to tell him other people were there to see him but he wanted to talk to me and Clint.  Clint has no knowledge of these moments....he was turned talking to his relatives.  Now I feel terrible for thinking of how I WAS thinking during those moments.  Selfish, self-centered or just that hard to process?  I like to think of the latter.

Let me say something here about Christians.  To be a Christian.....to me from what I observe and from what I feel, there's about a quarter out of "Christians" who are true Christians.  You can't just go through the motions of religion and expect salvation.  Being a Christian is about faith and actions based on that faith.  It is NOT about going to church once a week, and not letting 'church' cross your mind So when a so-called fellow Christian snapped my head off for expressing some concern over someone who might as well be family, it just goes to show my intuition and gut was right about that person and others like him/her.  Don't go telling everyone that - REALLY?!  You really have to act like this when there's a good man dying in the next room?!  What good does that really do for this family?  For Clint's family?  Yes I know I'm not officially family yet, but according to Clint's great-aunt and uncle and mom and everyone else I might as well be.  I held my tongue, thank you Lord for helping me count to 10 in German and allowing me to remain calm.  The Lord works in mysteriously ways.  Hate to say this but when another concerned church-goer approached me and asked me if Clint and I were related, I said yes Clint is, that's his great-aunt, sister to his Grandpap Elam, and this is pretty much all he has left for family.  I hate to say this but I saw the oh maybe I shouldn't have said that look in that person's eyes, and was glad to have seen it.  I never claimed to be perfect, and right now I am not sorry for that.  Pardon my pride and orneriness.

Yet these Christians seem to have everything, never lost a loved one before it was their time, or are well off.  I'm not perfect, and Clint and I are not the greatest of Christians.  But I know we're good people and try our hardest to be better Christians as well.  We try hard to be all of that and both are somewhat sensitive and too caring for our own good.  I know it felt like I used to have everything or it looked like I had everything.  I had everything except for a dad who knew how to love his daughters, his son and his wife.  I hope I don't have to pay for my dad's sins, because if I do I'm so screwed.  Then when things started to go downhill, like our finances, my parents' marriage, just me myself and self worth....my hero died.  My grandpa, my hero, was the glue to our family, and now we're broken, don't trust one another, and distant.  My grandpa lived a full life, and I like to think that it was before his time but apparently it was his time and he was ready.  What I wouldn't give to have one more hug, one more kiss or one more time of just taking a nap together in his lounge chair.....one more Grandpa smile of well done and of love. The devil knew where to strike with my family, my grandpa was the heart.  There was not a selfish bone in his body.  It's funny how in my day-to-day struggles and successes always lead me back to Grandpa.  I guess it's because without him I don't know or feel like I've done a good job, I miss his praises of my achievements.  I miss that one devout fan who came to every home game, dirty and fresh from the farm, even though I hardly played.  I miss that one person who never told me never, can't, or shouldn't in regards to my dreams and aspirations.  I miss that one selfless person who shone the brightest when all I saw besides him was gloom, despair, and evil, and thought my only way out of McRae/HELL was death.   It's so hard to let go of any light, even harder to let go of the light who shone the brightest, who was always good, true and faithful.  That's why I don't think I will ever get over losing my grandpa, but I will let my pain in losing him help shape me into the better person that I must be destined to be.  What other reason could there be that I've survived all the terrible bullying, cruel taunts/remarks, bad abusive relationships, my own self-destructing punishments/criticizes, and not just one but more than a handful of near death experiences where it felt like I was pulled back to consciousness thinking it's not my time yet?  I hope and pray my destiny, my calling, is a happy one with Clint by my side and I by his.


I finally nailed down how I feel about my fellow Christians and why at times I feel like they are in the wrong themselves.  There is a fine line between being true and firm in Christian beliefs and knowledge of the Bible and being that humble loving selfless example of Christ's love.  Narrow is the path, and oh boy when you think about it in balancing truth and firmness in belief with humility and love - that is an understatement.  Saying something is a sin without following up with that loving humble example of Christ's love - all is lost.  If it weren't for those few people I've met who COULD balance those extremes and walked that fine line, I would be lost as well.  In regards to my previous post to this one, I can honestly say I felt like I was called to breach that topic.  After that post, several people who had no earthly idea I even had a blog brought up the topic and with hesitation as great as the depths of the ocean and of space I slowly and carefully opened myself up and explained my views.  My grandmother was proud of me and agreed with that fine line 'theory' of mine (if you can call it that).  My mom was shocked, slightly argumentative but respectful and understanding at my inner turmoil with broaching this highly debatable topic.  She was proud that I was respectful in turn and sought out answers and fully reasoned with myself before saying this out loud with anyone.  I'm thankful that through all this, I'm slowly learning trust again. God is working on me, despite my flaws, and is opening my heart and mind up.  What used to be my biggest fear is slowly turning into something new and wonderful.  I used to be afraid of my church and what people would think if they knew what went on in my head and whether or not I would be tossed to the side or considered worthy of keeping.  Sounds stupid and childish I know, but even though it's gotten better, its still a fear I deal with when I step into that building.  I'm challenging myself to give and keep on giving, yet not expect anything in return.  Trying to stop thinking but I've done this, this and this so I deserve something.  Pray for me, friends.  I am a lowly sinner who needs prayer.  But I am a Christian - a child of God who is trying to dust off my light so I can try to shine as bright as my grandpa, as bright as Tony, as bright as Clint's great-uncle who in the little time I have known him has shone just as brightly as my hero.

Life isn't fair, I feel sorry for those who learn this the hard way in their adulthood who haven't had to overcome any strife or pain or loss, because thanks to my pain, my loss and my strife I know I can at least muddle through it.