So I remain cooped up due to my 'instability' and because of the pain. So I've had plenty of time to contemplate 'pain.' I've lived with it since 2011, since the concussion. It's pushed my friends and family away. Admitting that it was me and not the pain's fault just isn't something I can do at this point in time. Friends are there for friends. But after time when the pain just doesn't get any better and you're too afraid to discuss it with anybody for fear they'll think of you as a constant complainer, friends drift on in their busy lives. People don't really want to know the truth when they ask how you are. They expect the usual replies and only seek out pleasant exchanges. No one wants to know about the pain. Doctors brush it off and put you on meds that don't help. And some even though you have the referral and most definitely meet the criteria to be a patient, they never call.
It gets me to the point where I know that people do care about me but they don't care about the pain. Be more positive they say. You need to work on being less negative. Pray tell me how when I can't even take the sheets off the bed to put them in the washer, or like today when I can't even walk around my own house without passing out from the pain. Your husband desperately needs you to help around the house but you can't even make it to the bathroom. You end up crawling just to not piss yourself.
The pain causes swelling on my head, down my neck and back. So intense at times I blacked out or throw up. Positive thoughts for the day - only threw up once and when I was at my lowest and attempted reaching out to family and friends not one replied back. I then turn to my poor sweet stressed out husband and start to confide my feelings and why I'm so upset he snaps that I need to get myself out of this funk and that he can't take much more than this and that he can't wait til I'm fixed. Even admitted he didn't like this new me that he missed the sweet Trella he fell in love with.
Then you try to tell me to focus on the positive, and give up on me when I can't. Therefore in conclusion I feel all is hopeless. My husband's shutting me out and is beginning to resent me. The more I'm shut out the worse my mood swings get. Nobody wants to understand me and what's going on. They all just ask well what have you done for. Still nobody gets what I need, what I crave.
I crave the sort of comforting that used to always be readily available to me no matter what was going on. He would drop everything just to come and hold me close and tell me everything's going to be alright. I miss my grandpa, his patience, never-ending comfort, love and understanding, his constant willingness to help others. The only other people who came close to my grandpa's example either have died or moved away. Clint though he's still here physically, he's beginning to drift away from me. I'm too much to handle.
And our anniversary is days away. Clint's devastated over his company and it's progress. So it's entirely not his fault right? He'll surely remember our anniversary? Even tho he never posts pictures of us, of me. I don't deserve or want anything. All I want to be heard when I try talking about my feelings. Not interrupted and then told that they understand what I'm going through. And that when I want scream no they don't. I just want to be soothed and comforted, loved. Gentle compassion instead of what I should do or try or what I'm doing wrong or how I should stop obsessing, being depressed.
Nobody gets it. I wouldn't be so down, depressed if I just had someone kind just soothe me and tell me it's all going to be ok. And the last person who did that exactly was the passenger of the car that sideswiped me. I received more soothing and comfort from her than anybody else in a very long time. Clint was preoccupied with the damage and the trooper and was concerned for me. But a total stranger had comforted and soothed me better than my own husband.
Is it wrong to just want to be lied to by wishing to hear that everything's going to be ok? It rips me up that instead of being able to turn to my husband I have to cry in secret and try some other way to get what's bottled up inside of me, all the dark depressive thoughts, the feelings of hopelessness and being lost. Most importantly I feel lonely. Because I am alone lost in all this pain. I'm alone because of never-ending pain. Pain is loneliness. I had so been looking forward to our first anniversary, what he's planning, what our plans will be. I long for happiness not my own but his. And all I seem to do is just get in the way of him having that happiness.
I would never ask him to change. But apparently I have to in order for him to want to take me out more often to see friends. And it just breaks my heart. That I can't do anything, that he's so unhappy, that he doesn't know how to comfort and soothe like a complete stranger could. So now it's no longer physical pain torturing me, emotional and mental are starting to gang up on me now. And now I'm filled with guilt for exposing my true feelings in a very inappropriate manner. I'm supposed to be a good wife who uplifts her husband, not slandering him. But I'm at a loss at what I should do. Total loss. I pray he doesn't resent me for this. The thing is if I could choose his happiness or an end to my pain, I would always choose him first. I just wish he could be happy even if I'm not the one who makes him happy.
There I've said too much. Prayers for my husband please. He needs them more than me.
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