Well it's been forever. This year just seems like the longest year ever....waiting for June to creep on up. And creep up it did because now I'm panicking trying to get everything wedding done along with catching up with school and working on the new house.
We just started our marriage counseling last Sunday with Nick. As Clint fondly says, Nick is the closest thing to Scottrick. I miss him so much - Scott just exudes God and Christ wherever he goes. Scott makes being a happy faithful Christian contagious. So far Nick is no Scott but still close enough to make us happy.
We have begun with the whole wedding deal becoming an inconvenience to many already. My mom doesn't want to go broke on her mother of the bride dress, and she continues the victim act without any desire to better herself. My dad is being ornery and says he won't shave his nappy beard off - just trying to goad me into being upset. What father tries to get a rise out of his daughter in the crunch months before a stressful wedding - mine. And he's the main reason why the whole thing has been stressful. It could be worse it really could. But it's still not healthy or good for what we have going for our relationship. My brother acts like anything and everything to do with me is worse than death and treats me like a spick of dirt. Who would have thought that my wild child of a sister would be the most normal out of our dysfunctional family, next to me of course? It is truly sad that I am the normal one.
My family is still in an uproar and not getting along - my dad and uncle Tim aren't on speaking terms over just a bunch of arrogant stupidness. Both too proud to even bend a little. If they are still like this next Christmas I don't even want to go to the Smith side. I cannot handle all their petty differences - stresses me out to no end. I feel like I'm the only one moving forward from all this, not getting caught up like the rest. I never ever felt like I fit in with even my own family. Even more of a longer, sadder story that I just don't want to touch.
It's becoming hard to find happiness in the little things as I struggle with all my constant multitasking. The new house has helped immensely but what's next after this becomes less new? I just want to be able to go on those walks I used to just take randomly without a care in the world. I just want to have a rocking awesome bachelorette party. Not too sure how that's going to turn out - apparently my sister's wild streak isn't too far off from my own. But that's what happens when you are raised in an extremely strict environment with never-ending rules upon rules.
I mentioned (hopefully I did) about how happy my mom was a while back when dad said he was proud of me, with her saying he's never said that before like that. I thought sadly no no he hasn't. That was always Grandpa or Pop-pop or Nini or my mom to tell me that. Never ever my dad or my granny. Too proud. So yes I cried and I cried - I am honestly at a loss for why I'm still not over this. Why it still hurts. I feel like when I briefly interact with them that things have gotten better and that I've moved on but something just keeps bringing me back to the pain and all the drama my family causes.
Now with this equal rights whole ordeal blowing up, all I can do is pray that this does not carry over onto my wedding day. I pray that it does not rain and isn't stupid humid. I pray that by some miracle my family will all come together and be happy to be together with me on this day. I pray that I devote myself better to The Lord and that I don't slide off the track. I have been here lately with everything. It's just been too much. Everything. Um hi hello I need a vacation from life in general please?
I pray that Clint and I can start off forever on the right foot and everybody is happy. Lord be with me as I continue to fight my way through to the end. I'm not giving up and I can do all of this. I know I can. Super Trella thinking sponge brain - go!
I am blessed immensely but I still can't help but wonder....
Is it too much to ask for everybody to just get along for once? To stop fighting and appreciate this day that The Lord has made.
Looking forward to Mount Comfort's Easter service and to celebrating Jesus's resurrection. Thank you Lord.
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