Black Sheep

Sigh....just when I was beginning to warm up to my dad and actually consider allowing him to have the privilege of walking me down the aisle, we're back to where I've done something terribly wrong and he's not speaking to me again.  Hopefully no close family member or friend passes away or gets mortally ill back home this time.

I am the official black sheep of my family now that my sister is married.  While I'm ecstatic about my dad and her being on good terms, I'm troubled by how he's always scrutinizing us to where one of us is on his good side and the other on his bad side.   Kevin is Kevin and will always be on neutral if not good terms with dad.  Kelly is Dad's favorite out of us girls, and we both know it just like I'm mom's favorite sometimes.  Mom can sympathize with Kelly a lot on being the baby of the family and having kids early and what not.  That doesn't bother me in the slightest, for my mom, nor my sister really ever act or treat me like dad does when he's not happy with me.  Kevin is a whole other story, and really needs therapy so he can be my nice sweet brother to me again instead of the a$$hole he's been here lately. 

Now let's get to WHY I'm on such bad terms with my dad.......it's really sad.

While my parents and nephew were in town this past weekend, we grilled out at my grandparents' in West Fork.  Just in the past 2 years have I discovered how pleased my Pop-pop is that he can share a drink with me.  When we are out at a restaurant or at their house for some meal, my Pop-pop loves to get out either wine or beer and give Clint and I a glass of wine/bottle of beer.  I've come to really enjoy sharing these drinks with my pop-pop, because he's so happy to have someone to share it with besides my nini. 

Back to the story, gorgeous Saturday afternoon grilling out on Pop-pop's patio with both the grill and fire pit lit, and Pop-pop pulls out some Miller lite and offers me one.  I accepted - I love how mischievous and happy he looked.  I also wondered how Dad would take it, kinda testing the waters to see if there is anyway possible to have a perfect wedding occasion without compromising what I want and without offending my family (Dad and Granny).  Pop-pop offered Clint a beer, but Clint declined saying he's not quite family yet and wants to try staying on my dad's good side.  I've pretty much given up on trying to please my dad and staying on his good side - the way I see it, it goes both ways, and my dad has never really tried hard to stay on my good side which isn't as impossible as it is with his good side.

I have this one beer for 20 min before Dad even notices, and he doesn't notice til we're all gathered around on the patio for our late lunch.  He just gave me the most hateful glare and said it was too crowded to eat outside.  Here I attempted being nice, saying no there's plenty of room out here, won't you stay.  Within 30-40 min of him storming off to eat by himself inside, he packed up everything that my mom and him brought and was loading up the Sequoia.  What's astounding and goes to show how offended he actually was was the fact that my dad never packs anything ever, he always orders my mom to do it with only 30 min to 2 hrs notice.  He then barked at my mom to go change Dayven that they needed to get on the road.  Mom got up and quietly obeyed, and they left right Dayven was loaded up in his carseat. Not a word was said to me by my dad whatsoever as they left.  And that one beer is why I'm now the black sheep of the family.  According to my last talk with my mom, my dad saw us, me and Pop-pop, disrespecting the memory of Grandpa....for Pop-pop being so thoughtless and offering HIS daughter a beer.....and his daughter taking the beer......no one would ever disrespect Grandpa like that......they must not respect me....blah blah blah.  That's just an excuse to just be ticked off at not being able to control me. And yes I do not have much respect for my dad in regards that my disabled legally blind mother is the person who pays the bills and brings home the dough AND goes to school fulltime as well.  Not to mention that she has to figure out when she can actually do her homework because dad either feels neglected and thinks she's cheating on him or he dumps the grandbaby on her to take care of.  Dad plays with Dayven and only does the feeding, diaper-changing, and putting him to sleep when no one else is around to do it for him. Dad doesn't have a full time job and likes to criticize how mom's handling his mess of bills that he's racked up.   I've stated multiple other reasons why I don't have much respect for him previously on this blog too and if I really got into them all, I would be basically writing a book about my life story. 

Yes I did have a hunch about how he would react to the one beer, yet dad is always around friends that drink, dip or smoke and has seen the empty beer cans out in Kelly's garage.  Yes my dad has also seen me drink before - every time he's come out to Clint's mom's I've had a beer and here lately every time have had a glass of wine at my grandparents'.  I've also ordered one when we went out to eat once up here in Fayetteville and while he wasn't happy he wasn't throwing this big of a fit. 

So I should have known better than to do such an audaciously act of disrespect?  I wasn't meaning any disrespect then.  In fact to me respect goes both ways - you have to earn it in order to receive any.  Yes parental rights usually do warrant some respect, and that's the amount I give him.  I do not respect him as a good Christian or as a good man, nor do I fully respect him as a good husband/father/son.  While I've always been the one that RESPECT is demanded from, I rarely ever get any in return and never any while I'm present.  Grandpa wouldn't have liked us drinking beer, yet I had so much respect for that man that I wouldn't have attempted it at all.  Grandpa earned his respect plus enough respect to replace what I lack for my dad. 

I don't care really about stepping on his toes anymore.  What I do care about is how my own dad gets so caught up on judging every little thing we do wrong, yet we're not allowed to point out anything wrong with him.  I get in trouble for caring about his health and questioning him about his diet - literally I get yelled at that's none of your business.  I really have given up staying on my dad's good side, I can say that much.  Everybody in our family tip-toes around him to not hurt his feelings or get on his bad side, and you know what I'm tired of it.  If he was a REAL loving dad, he wouldn't trash talk his own kids about what we do that he doesn't approve of.  If he wants to threaten to write me out of the will, like he has done so many times before, I'm ready to say go for it.  I won't inherit your debt and you will lose me as your daughter.  Turn off my cellphone line, you will never hear from me again.  I'm so tired of all the one-sideness of it all - how it has to be his way or the highway.  And if you're against him or disagree with him at all, you're pretty much a terrible Christian and probably will wind up in hell.  That's a lot to take in as a response for an innocent question by a 12 yr old girl who was severely bullied everyday and was told to get over it by that same person. 

My one beer is actually better than his careless diet and complete disregard for his heart health.  Your body is a temple for the Lord remember, and drinking soda that's capable of eating battery acid and linked to cancer at every single meal and in between is far worse than the occasional ONE beer.  The occasional soda is alright, yet an occasional beer is a lot more healthier for you.  And if beer and alcohol is so terrible and unChristian like, then I hate to say it but a lot of our ancestors are in hell because water wasn't safe to drink for a long time way back then and most had to drink beer or fermented grape juice not by choice but by necessity.  My mom giggled really hard on that last one, saying I probably shouldn't say that one to him.  I'm not trying to justify myself for the one beer.  Technically what I'm at fault at is causing my dad to stumbled for having one drink and being like this.  I am responsible for that yes.  I wasn't trying to influence him or peer-pressure him to drink, I was just trying to enjoy a sunny afternoon with my family. 

The main reason why all this is disconcerting is I cannot have my fun rehearsal dinner and my dad and granny there.  It's not going to be possible.  I have a ton of options still.  My main hang up on just trying to please them is my wedding day will already be oriented to keep them mostly happy (they're still not happy that I'm not getting married in McRae).  And that's my compromise - a wedding day that won't upset my family (which might just be a waste of time seeing how my dad as of right now won't be walking me down the aisle) and a fun causal relaxed rehearsal dinner where we can let loose and just relax.  I'm very happy with that compromise too and think it's very reasonable.  I'm torn on going ahead and inviting dad and granny without warning about the alcohol or telling them about the alcohol and inviting them.  If I want a happy wedding day and still want to attempt having this fun relaxed rehearsal dinner, it may have to be a party the night of the wedding so dad and granny will behave for the big event.  Yes I'm selfish about this -  it's my wedding day though and it's supposed to be oriented around what Clint and I want and we both have sacrificed a lot of what we would really like or how we wanted to get married and where.  My granny is going to go to her grave mad at me for my 40 dollar haircuts no matter what I do, and I will never be the daughter my dad wants me to be.  I'm not a mindless idiot who likes to be bossed around like a nun/slave.  Yes that's weird but dad likes to try controlling what you wear and what you do and how you act.  All that with me?!  Lol that explains my multiple mouth-washings, whippings, and groundings. 

I guess I got a little carried away with my rant.  What's wrong with having a dad who accepts you for you?  I can handle disappointment, and I could handle and understand how my dad treats me if it were for something much more severe.  Clint tried to tell me to just stay on his good side, and so does my mom.  Both my sister and I know that that's impossible, he always finds something to throw one of his fits about.  Always has and always will.  And I'm supposed to get used to that?  Sadly, I already have and this is me tired of it, tired of having to bow down to someone who doesn't respect me and someone who claims to be Christian and acts like the opposite entirely.  Yes I was wrong for playing with fire for the one beer.  Why I get so upset and why I went ahead and had the one beer - dad is never sorry (by that I mean verbally outloud; years go by before there's a slight in forgiving action) and doesn't think he has to be.  And he doesn't see why he should be sorry, seeing how righteous he is. 

To wrap this up, please pray for me and my family for peace and understanding.  Please please pray for my dad because after all that above he's still my dad and I love him, and I do believe he could go to hell.  And he's not healthy - blood pressure and every man on that side of the family save my grandpa died from heart disease.  Every single one.  Also pray that I'm not in more trouble for being verbal about all this. 

As time flies by...

As I rush and rush through all my tasks to complete them and get to the next one, time just about slipped my mind.  Today is the day 5 years ago I spent with Clint before we were dating to hang out, flirt, and what not.  I remember telling him I'm ready for my grandpa to not be in anymore pain, for his suffering to end.  My grandpa was diagnosed with lung cancer September 2006, and had fought a hard good fight.  He never gave up, stubborn to the end - even tried going out to the farm wheeling his oxygen tank behind him while wearing an oxygen mask, ready to get to work.  He was the most admirable man I have yet to know.  Only a few can hold up to him in comparison, and the one that first comes to my mind is my good friend Tony whose brain cancer robbed him of a bright future.  Neither stopped to question God why me, at least not outloud for others to hear.  Both were praising God's name on their death beds, despite all the pain and the threat of death in their faces they gave God all the glory. 

I want to be more like them.  I want to be an example of how they shined for Christ and God.  Never was there better examples of a true Christian. 

Tomorrow despite the five years, it feels like it was only yesterday - it's going to be very hard on me.  Yet I remind myself Grandpa would be disappointed in me if I wasn't living my life, smiling all the way, praising God, and still up to no good with funny pranks.  Every year I try to sing Farther Along on this day, tomorrow.  It chokes me up still to this day when I hear it, because I can hear Grandpa singing it.  I don't ever want to lose that ability of not being able to hear his voice or see him smiling in my mind. 

I love you Grandpa.  I love you Tony.  I love you Mrs Cassaundra.  I love you Mr Tommy.  And I love you Staci.  Death is a part of life, and as time just flies right on by, death just becomes more common as we all grow older.  Just is a part of life.  My hope and what helps me conquer this fear of death is knowing what is in store for the faithful and the good that follow God's word and Christ's footsteps.  This hope is what kept my grandpa and Tony strong til the end.  The other 3 had this hope yet their ends were much more tragic and immediate.  They didn't suffer, and thank you God for that.  I thank you God for my grandpa's and Tony's suffering because through their suffering I saw two true Christians who never lost hope in You.  Not saying I wanted them to suffer and if I could have I would have taken away their suffering, I would have rather suffered than watched them do so.  It still hurts to think and remember their suffering but I'm proud to have know them and to have called them my friend, one my Grandpa and one my first friend I made in Fayetteville. 

Bad week: realized that I need to find my cat Petey a new home, problems with the tribute and trying to figure out if I can afford to sell it back, need a job but really don't have the time for one with finals only 2 weeks away, broke, depressed unemployed fiancé (upside he's been busy working on ads for his contract job so his mood has improved), rotten brat autistic brother who really seems to hate me, oh and planning a wedding.  Not to mention while trying to play games with some friends, my blasted head wouldn't let me play as much as I would have liked to have, and then a friend commented about how I should be placed on oxygen thinking it was my asthma.  No it's due to swelling at the back of my head that just likes to do that whenever I'm trying to have some fun.  I just use my inhaler before playing any kind of sport nowadays.

Bad week and Saturday isn't starting off well either. While trying to get my sunglasses out of Clint's car which is crammed into the garage with barely any room to open the freakin doors, I knock over one of the multiple things, a railroad crossing sign, into the side of his car. Sorry just doesn't seem to cut it for my clumsy mistakes anymore and at time I honestly wonder where I'm valued at amongst his toys. Maybe this motorcycle ride will cheer us both up.

Cowboys and Aliens was a good movie, I thought it has to be good if it has Harrison Ford and Craig Daniel in it not to mention Olivia Wood.  I rented it through red box, and forced Clint and his roommate to watch it with me on Friday night.  They both enjoyed it too.

To continue where I left off.....

Yes the motorcycle ride did improve our moods immensely.  I was down and blue because I was apparently too hyper and was driving Clint nuts.  Then I scratched the car and well......  Anyhow that's in the past.  I know he values me more than his toys, it is just times like that cause him to become very angry with me for my 'careless clumsiness.'  He likes to describe me when I'm not on the ADHD meds like a hyperactive lab puppy.  Can't say that I blame him, but at times I feel like I can't express myself when I'm in a good mood.

Anyhow Clint and I borrowed his stepdad's Star Stratoliner, and Mitch and Jenna borrowed one of Mitch's coworkers Honda cruiser.  Our ride took us down the pig trail, and we about turned around because some of the roads were wet and we were afraid of being rained on.  We decided to chance it, and continued on.  Glad we did too because it turned out to be a beautiful day, a beautiful WINDY day that is.  Yes we were pretty beat up by the wind by the end of the day.  I don't know for sure where all we went, but we made it to the usual place where we go put in at for the Mulberry River.  Stopped there to get something to drink, and I had a wonderful vanilla creme soda.  YUM.  Then we backtracked a little and went to the Byrd's campsite place next to another part of the Mulberry.  There we got out and explored, finishing off our drinks, throwing rocks and playing in the river.  Checked out the zipline they were updating - still want to do a full series of zip-lining through the tree-tops.  That would just be WUNDERBAR!!

My allergies decided to act up most of the motorcycle trip, just to spite me it seemed.  Clint and I went out to dinner, the first time we went out by ourselves for dinner in forever.  Allergies were still killing me, so I literally crashed by 9:15 when we got back. Woke up to try and get ready for church, but it just wasn't happening today.  Allergies were still bothering me, my eyes and throat are raw and sore.  Not as bad as last night but add a allergy sinus/bad weather pressure headache, I would have been wanting to just take up a whole row to lay down on.

Well must go: German paper due tomorrow, German Oral on Tuesday, World Civ Quiz/German Test on Wednesday, then French Oral on Friday.  Add in regular class work/homework, trying to converse in 3 languages, another test for French possible in this upcoming week, then FINALs - I should be good right?

One thing that makes me smile:  Art Nouveau is what I am going to use as a 'theme' for the wedding.  Not quite a theme, just something to based the decorations around so the options won't be as broad.  Hooray!!
Now I am off and away to conquer the world.

This is my prayer:  Lord let Your will be done, and that what I'm striving for is good and according to Your will.  Let me shine, give me strength, patience, and control of my words.  I'm sad to have missed so much today in praising and worshipping You.  I thrill in singing and praising Your name and Your glory.  I feel the most whole when I am singing for You.  I'm so incredibly thankful for everything You have done for me and given me.  Blessed to be able to call You Father.  I'm terrible at praying, and when I do pray I criticize my words too much. Allow me to not fear myself and my words.  Please give Clint strength and guidance as he struggles with being unemployed, and give him hope and encourage him as I try my hardest while he searches for a new job.  Watch over my family and friends throughout their struggles whatever they may be.  Help with finances would be nice seeing as how I'm broke, please light my path to which direction I should go.  I pray I'm finally following the right path, with my education and mostly with my life.  I'm slow at accomplishing tasks, but I'm stubborn enough to keep on going despite all that hinders me.  I love you Lord.  I know I don't say that enough, and I always find myself saying it more when tough times hit.  Allow me to give You the reins of my life, let me give You the control that I try to desperately to hold onto.  Keep my family and friends save, and please I raise Clint up to you.  He needs help and direction terribly.  Please guide him, please help him reach happiness again.

Poop

Well, today has been absolutely depressing.  The whole ac system in my car is screwed up and broken down, and it's going to cost 1300+ to fix it.  Mind you my car has been in the shop twice already for some bad engine trouble.  I'm so ticked off and upset and don't know what to do.  Broke and can't afford to go get a job until after finals.  We're going to try selling it to a dealer and will be seeing what that crappy dealer who sold it to me will offer for it.  All the while trying to be encouraging to Clint in his job search, and keep my grades up so all my effort this semester won't be wasted.  This just flat out sucks.  Did I mention I'm supposed to be trying to save up for my wedding since it seems like I'm the only one paying for it?  I just want to sit down and cry and have been fighting it all day.  Not to mention I've finally realized my energetic loving cat Petey needs a new home where he can be an outside cat.  He's not a bad cat, just is bad for my very small apartment.  Needs room to roam and prance and chase birds without breaking stuff.  Ugh....so yes bad Monday I'm through with you.  So frustrated, and have been praying for all of the above plus a lot more and of course for God's will but I'm very discouraged with it right now.  If I could just sell that pos car and make it til after my finals to get a job, I will be so relieved.

MERGH

Mad at myself for taking this long to get serious about my education and completing it...GRRRR!!!!  Now Clint's jobless and job-hunting like crazy, and I'm struggling to speed up completing my undergrad degree.

I'm just tired, and want this whole process to hurry it up now! Planning a wedding as a full-time student that's looking into studying abroad twice to get into grad school is a LOT.  Throw in an unemployed fiance, an autistic night blind brother, overly demanding parents/family who expect you to do everything....have I ever said how much I want to run away?  It's my own fault for the school part. 

Why is it money is just so stinkin stressful?  It's needed for everything, and you really can't do anything with out it. 

Will continue later - too mentally tired to even think about what I want to say.

Life = Crazy

Life has always been crazy, whether good or bad.  I don't mind it, but I would sometimes like a break from having my head spinning constantly to keep up.  It's never boring or at least when it starts seeming like it is, something happens that keeps me on my toes.   People don't understand when you give so much of yourself during the day, you don't want anything to do with anybody else for the rest. 

I still do not have a wedding date set.  It seems that setting that date makes it all that more real.  Not that I'm scared of it or will be a runaway bride, it just means that I'm definitely growing up and losing that last bit of 'childness' if you can even call it that.  Colors I have yes.....flowers - no clue now.  Cake I know who I need to have make it, style - couldn't tell you.  But I have paid my deposit for the ceremony site, so I'm not neglecting the planning. 

School and future is flat out scary.  Having a life with Clint is not. 

Slightly on the upset side that close friends of mine met up to work on a memorial for a good close friend who lost his battle against cancer.  One of them had even previously mentioned the memorial and discussed this tree and plaque with me, and yes I donated for it.  Just shows how important I really am.  If friends really want to see friends, they do.  Friends realize that friends have busy hectic lives.  I just feel used by some friends here lately (to clarify not the memorial group....yet) who only talk to me if they need something from me, whether it's information, help or something to borrow.  I would love to unfriend the whole lot of them but I've been in their shoes before and had to beg for forgiveness.  Who knows...maybe that's what I need to do. 

While facebook is useful with connecting with people and what not, it's cheapened relationships.  You're not 'official' until it's on facebook.  People only really take note of others when they update their status.  I'm guilty of it just as everyone else is. 

I won't lie I've been on the slightly depressed side here lately.  I don't know where my life is heading, don't even know if and when I can set the date, and while I want to feel that blissfulness and peace of knowing God's in control, I can't relax.  I'm always on edge, Clint says I'm always on guard waiting for that next person to hurt me, and I even at times will flinch away.  He always has to tell me that not everyone in the world is out to get me.  It's so hard to change patterned behavior that has been instilled in you since childhood.  I don't flinch as much anymore. 

I don't know....hopefully the Hunger Games will cheer me up.  My expectations of people are generally true and right on, call it judging if you will.  I fight my judgements and still try my hardest to befriend and see the good in people.  I hate being right though.  Time for homework and time for spending time with the one I love, who's trying so hard to make me smile and laugh.  That's why I love him.  :-)