Patience is a virtue

A virtue that I am lacking in.  I know this all too well and struggle with it.  But I think in this case it's not justified but understandable.  I love Clint to death and would have married him hundred times over by now.  I'm so tired of seeing all these friends who meet someone and spend 2-4 yrs together and poof they're engaged.  This is how it's supposed to work I guess.  This May-August we can't agree on when we were official will be 5 yrs for us.  I know he loves me but I am just tired.  It makes me feel like I have to prove something and that I'm not good enough. 

This is just venting.  This has been discussed with Clint several times.  I'm happy for all my friends that are getting engaged.  I just have to force myself to think of other things most of the time.  I guess this is my struggle to bear until eventually it's my turn if that is ever going to happen.  At this point I really don't care what you think of me.  I know this makes me sound bad and selfish and bitter.  I'm not, because if I was I would have dumped him which just is not conceivable to me.  I lose my breath and my heart stops when I think of losing him.  I flat out panic.  I am just tired. 

Procrastination

This week is literally going to be mission impossible for me.  I have entirely too much on my plate. I should be finishing my finance project but I keep finding other stuff to do.  It's amazing what all I can get done when it's close to a due date for a big project. 

More ADHD testing tomorrow, project due tomorrow afternoon for finance, French final study guide due Wednesday morning, German Christmas party right after, last finance test for the semester on Thursday, then Friday is DEAD DAY and possible birthday plans ( I also plan on getting some dress clothes), Saturday is the Smith extended Christmas family party, Sunday-church, possible Christmas party with Clint's mom's immediate family, COURT date Monday morning, then a German final right after on Monday if I can make it to it, then I have a couple days before my French final. 

Can you see why I see this week as mission impossible?! Pray that I can keep perspective, patience, and survive this week. 

Christmas shopping is under way....I think I'm a 1/4 done.  Well peace out and go hogs!  Don't lower yourselves to Kansas State's level. 

Everything I do is judged and everything I do not makes me inadequate. I can't win for losing. I try to do the right thing but it always blows up in my face. I don't even know why I bother with it anymore. I'm going to wash my tears away with a bubble bath and go to bed where hopefully I will have either good dreams or none.

Catching up from Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving break was busy!  The week before the break was just as busy.  I have discovered, thanks to Clint, that when I'm super tired and trying my hardest to clean or complete some task at hand, I rawr at it lightly.  If it's super frustrating then I really rawr at it.  He was like do you hear yourself rawring??  Lol...he came to the conclusion that it motivates me to finish the task by rawring at it.

The days before Thanksgiving break was filled with 3 tests and my French oral exam.  Then when we got back from break, I immediately had my German oral.  Now study time for French, finance and German tests coming up....ugh!

Thanksgiving day was spent out at my grandparents' house in West Fork with my cousins from Texas.  The youngest, the only boy from that side who will carry on the Jones name, slept thru the entire Thanksgiving dinner that my poor Nini slaved over.  She can't see anymore so she just mostly tells Pop-pop what to do.  I of course felt bad and proceeded to take over the dinner preparations by myself with my poor blind grandmother barking orders at me and Pop-pop calling uncooperative tasks and things a stupid outfit.  My awkward aunt from Texas sat on her rear and did absolutely nothing to keep her kids out from under me, Nini, and Pop-pop.  I flat out had to tell them that if they didn't watch out that they would get burned and that I wouldn't feel bad because they know better to stay out of the way.  I'm slowly turning into my granny.  Lol

Nini finally got her motorcycle ride from Clint on his parents' bike.  She yelled Woohooo as they pulled out of the driveway.  Getting the helmet on her head and her on the bike was fun.  Lol....what was even more funny was me lifting her off the bike and pulling her off.  She asked who's next when her turn was done.  Lol she's so cute.  It's so sad to watch how depressed she's becoming from her almost losing all her eye sight.

The day after Thanksgiving was the Elam, my parents, and the steps McDonalds at Mitch's house who said we could have it there.  So the night before, Thanksgiving night, I'm mixing everything to cook the next day and Mitch comes in says we have people coming over for a party.  I had a 10 min warning barely before people started showing up and in 30 min there was at least 20-25 people there.  I about went psycho on him for being an inconsiderate douche but I reined in the angry redhead part of me and continued to cook.  I then joined in since it was obvious I wasn't going to get any sleep that night and figured well I might as well have some fun before I have to get back to work.  The party guests were forced to leave at 2:30 by Mitch who wanted to go to bed by 1am but couldn't because Clint reminded him of his little party he was throwing.  I had already planned on getting up by 5am to roll out the bread and start the turkey.  So I got about 2 hours of sleep then got up and slaved away on bread, apple pie, the turkey, the salad and fixings for it, and the rice casserole.  I was forced to go to bed by Clint around 11 and instead I got a shower and laid down for 30 min.

Everything turned out great minus my experiment I tried for the salad.  Sauteed pears, pomegranate seeds, pecans and bleu cheese....and pomegranate vinaigrette.  Pears failed but the rest was amazing.  Bread turned out great, except for the ones Clint burnt while I was showering and resting, Apple pie was yummy, pecan tarts heavenly, rice was weird didn't turn out right but good, and the turkey was delicious just took forever to cook and wasn't done when it was time to eat.  Clint and I fix the turkey like a beer chicken but make a rub from rosemary, sage, basil, and wortershire sauce.

WILL CONTINUE LATER----BED TIME


Continued....dumb website wouldn't post this a night or two ago.  I dislike migraines.  Dislike getting them.    

Gotta take the good with the bad

Gotta take the good with the bad, I guess.  Like our wonderful Hog victory and us being 3rd in the BCS, and now dealing with the loss of one of our razorback football players.  And like me having a good weekend and staying caught up on my homework to catch my face on fire while trying to light up the grill for Clint.

I am VERY thankful I didn't lose my eyebrows and eyelashes, and that my hair did not catch on fire.  Singed my eyelashes to a normal length - SAD face, my eyebrows to where I have to trim the ends off with one uneven - SAD face, and my crazy frizzies which wasn't as bad as the eyebrows and eyelashes.  I completely freaked out when I saw that the tips of my eyelashes and eyebrows were burned light red-brown and curled.  Me crying probably saved my burned eyeball.  Still a little sore but the contact saved it from most of the heat/flame. 

I cannot wait to be in a turkey coma!!!  Clint and I are making the turkey for his mom's thanksgiving on Friday.  WPS beat LSWho?!!   Thursday will be with my grandparents, odd little cousins from Texas, aunt, uncle, and hopefully my family.  Poor Clint....lol.....and poor Phebe.......both will be endlessly tortured by my odd little cousins. 

Praying for OSU and Hog fans...both teams have suffered great losses this week in the midst of the season winding up.  OSU two women's basketball coaches and razorback redshirt football player Garrett Uekman.  I hope that his death was an accident and not a scandal like alcohol poisoning.  Very thankful for having both eyebrows, sets of eyelashes and eyes right now.  Now time to finish tackling French and German homework and studying for finance. 

Finally some GOOD news :-)

There is ALWAYS something good around the corner especially when everything else has been pretty bad and rough.

I

WON

MY

APPEAL

!!!!!!!

About time!!! I finished the remaining circus hoops after receiving the excellent wonderful news and I should be getting my loan money Tuesday.  Woohooooo!!!!!

Yesterday was still rough but I guess that's life.  Car issues revolving around what to do with my BMW, what I can/can't afford, and what my dad, pop-pop and Clint think I need and all three are trying to help me - IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE.  Dad has no regard of my budget and will probably try getting me what he thinks I need.  Pop-pop, bless his soul, wanted to buy me a 1999 Buick Lesabre for 3,000, which is a grandma car, terrible on gas and probably has been wrecked.  I want to avoid expensive auto-mechanic bills, not get more.  Clint's the practical one about what I should get, but he constantly steams about it and gets mad at me when I choose getting school work done instead of dwelling on a topic that I cannot resolve at that given time.

Things will be more doable when I get my loan money and hear back from vocational rehabilitation.  Until then I have to assume I can only if barely afford a 100-200 monthly car payment.  I had found a great used car but thanks to my dad and lack of funding it is gone. 

Mitch renewed his tags and put up-to-date insurance in his truck, so I can borrow it til I find something without worrying about more ticket drama.  Not sure if I want to borrow it now though....I'm just ready to find something for myself. 

After dealing with all the car drama/crap, my good friend Drew came along and started talking to me about the Tony Collins Memorial fund and what tree he had picked out for it.  I don't remember what tree it was but it was very fitting for Tony.  As we were looking at pictures of the tree and talking about it's qualities, two other guys in the same room wanted to know what the tree was for.  I responded for the Tony Collins Memorial.  The newer guy, freshman I believe, flat-out asked me um why do you care?  I said that he was my first friend here.  Then I lost all control over my emotions, jumped up and started hastily gathering up my stuff from the other room, crying all the while.  He came in and apologized but basically I don't blame him for saying what he said.  What he said broke my heart and hit it dead on with why I just haven't been active as a Christian.  It's hard to explain, but I feel guilty for not being there more for him, guilty for trying to act like everything is going to be ok. Tony was one of my very first friends I made here when I moved up here.  We lost contact with each when he became more active in band and when I was struggling with school and deaths of loved ones.  Then I met Clint and well once you meet your significant other you tend to disappear.  When he was diagnosed with the tumors, I visited him and talked to him via Facebook and texts.  Once things started to get bad, I couldn't handle watching him suffer.  It was like my grandpa all over again.  Both were optimistic and praising God throughout both of their ordeals.  Tony and my grandpa had all the qualities I strive to be like as a Christians and overall great men of faith.  I respect both equally and look up them.  Grandpa is a little higher than Tony but that's because I grew thinking of Grandpa as my hero when things were bad.

It's kinda funny that when I think about it, Tony, Grandpa, Mrs Kassaundra, Nan-nan and Mr Tommy were all very similar.  All were kind, strong in faith, not quick to anger, humorous....best of all not judgmental.  Mr Tommy was a little louder, Mrs Kassaundra and Grandpa a little more quieter, yet I could see in them that Christian light that we're all supposed to have within us.  Their lights were the brightest of all.    Staci had that light in her as well, she just took a different path to find it.  I try my best to set my Christian goals for myself based on these fine examples of Christian faith that I was blessed to witness and experience first hand. 

Stephanie invited me to come to prayer group too saying that I had a lot of prayer requests and praises.  I felt terrible for telling her that I couldn't come, I had to study for my test because I needed to ace it.  And then there's that little thing called a car which I currently don't have a functioning one at the moment.  When I think about receiving pray, I feel guilty for asking and receiving it.  I know that I shouldn't but I guess that's the prideful Smith raising I received showing.  I feel like I'm showing that yet again I'm a disappointment for not being more able to handle my life.  I know that I'm supposed to turn everything over to God and that receiving prayers is a wonderful encouragement and blessing. 

I am going to apologize now for having lengthy frequent posts.  Imagine what else is going on in my head that I'm not telling you about though.  I've decided to try finding a publicist willing to see me about writing my life story.  I also decided that I would change my name for the author and the names of those in my life story so I won't hurt anybody with what I write.  I also don't want to anger the people who have hurt me by acknowledging that they were the ones to do this to me.  I need to build a healthy relationship with my dad.  If I write about him in this whatsoever, a lot of it will tick him off at me and I will be written out of the will and kicked out of the family.  I don't want my mom forbidden to talk or see me.  But yes, I think i need to share my story, so that others like me will know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  You just gotta keeping pushing as hard as you can to reach it. 

Blah what stinkin luck

I have come to the conclusion that I just have some bad luck.  Right after that last post, I was on my way to school in Mitch's truck and I was pulled over by a cop for expired tags.  I tried explaining that this isn't my vehicle, mine is broken down and I'm just borrowing this to get to school.  The cop was a complete dick and kept on script.  Not only was the tags expired, but there was no current insurance in the truck either. So I was slapped with a 145 dollar ticket for the expired tags of Mitch's truck and a MUST APPEAR court date for having "no valid/current insurance."  Thank you Mitch.  You royally screwed me by being your typical careless self.  I offered the cop my birthday money which happens to be exactly 145 dollars saying hey ya go this is my birthday money that I just got yesterday that I was going to use for groceries.  I hope he sleeps terrible at night for the way he spoke down to me.  Uncalled for and very not gentleman like which I guess what society is heading for. 

Just finished my French oral exam. I was almost ran over by a sorority girl while I was crossing at a crosswalk.  Then I almost had two other vehicles back into me. When I got to the exam, I have difficulty understanding the girl giving the oral exam over the other people giving/taking the same oral exam in the same room.  I had to ask her to repeat please several times and broke out of french to say I'm terribly sorry but I have severe ADHD and je ne comprende de pas.

  I hope I at least got a B on it or I'm going to be terribly disappointed.  Right now I should be calling this dude at the Subaru lot about that car I'm interested in.  Also have to call my dad about the whole car situation since my mom told him about it.  He just wants to get the BMW fixed and I'm so sick and tired of worrying when it's going to break down on me next that I told him no I just want something reliable and cheap.  And preferably awd. 

After my oral exam, I had my follow-up appointment from that asthma attack I had last Friday.  On my way there I was clipped by a bicycler.  Clint said it must be ginger season.  lol....

Now I just want to have a nice relaxing evening with Clint.  Watch Captain America and the new South Park episode.  Just not worry about my other tests until tomorrow.  Get my French homework and that will be all that I touch in regards to homework tonight.  My nerves are too shot to thinking clearly. 

It is so very hard to give praise to God after a terrible week.  I'm struggling with it and struggling to remember how blessed I am.  Then I think of Clint, my mom, my dog, cats, and all my wonderful friends and I can make myself get out of bed.  Been on the very depressed side, waiting for my aid to be approved and awarded, watching what little money I have while I try to do my best in school so I will be eligible for my financial aid and show them that I am a good student.  Now if I can just have a little good luck, I think I can make it.  God willing, I hope I can.  Trying to keep the attitude, I'm going to show them what this redhead is capable of!  I am not a quitter.  I will die trying before i give up, literally.  I just want to get through school and get a good job so Clint and I can move out of this stage in life. 

Birthdays!!

Now is as good of time as any I guess.  I hate all-nighters.  

Saturday was Clint's and my birthday.  He's exactly 2 yrs and 2hrs older than me.  I just turned 25 and he turned 27.  He complains about being old.  Lol...I really don't feel that much different than I did 2-5 yrs ago other than asthma being worse and aftermath of concussion. 

So Friday I was walking to my French class and I was running a little late.  Dry cold air makes breathing for me hard and my asthma tends to flare up.  So by the time I got to the Greek Theater, I was slightly wheezing.  Then there was landscapers out doing what they're paid to do - mow grass.  Having a severe grass allergy I think is just as bad as being allergic to calcium or sunlight.  By the time I made it to the business building I was seeing lights and coughing.  My class had relocated to Einsteins so I just went to the bathroom and collapsed looking frantically for my inhaler.  Puffed on it 3 times and continue to sit in the floor as I started getting air in me and my consciousness came back.  Some Asian girls came in and just looked at me funny while I was wheezing.  I think I sat there for like 20 min before I hauled my butt up off the bathroom floor.  I then walked all the way to Pat Walker Health Center.  I tried catching some university work trucks/carts to hitch a ride but I couldn't run so I missed them.  By the time I made it to the health center all I could do was show them my id and my inhaler and point at my chest wheezing and hyperventilating.  They rushed me in and sat me down.  My pulse was everywhere hitting at 191/130 for the high.  I just handed them my wallet and tried to control my breathing.  I then was given the liquid albuterol to inhale thru the "cool smoky pipe thingy" as I call it.  I then when I was able had to explain what triggered it and about my grass/hayfever allergy. 

I was held in observation for the rest of the morning to make sure I got back to 100% breathing.  I came in at 20%, had the pipe thingy, then blew at 40%.  They waited to check it again about 30 min later and I was at 50%-80%.  So I got another dose of the smoky pipe.  Then I had to wait another half hour before I reached 100%.  They checked it at 15 min intervals and gave me the device to keep to check my breathing at home. Also got a new prescription for my inhaler and a new medicine routine.  I also since I scared them so bad have to have a follow up appointment.  Ugh.... So that was the day before my birthday.  Clint and I went to go looking for me a car when he got off work and then had Thai for din-din. 

Saturday we woke up late, had french toast and coffee, and I took my time getting ready.  We started off going to the square to try the Bliss Cupcake place and did some window shopping around the little shops there.  Found a cool store called the Himalayan Mountainwear Clothing.  All of it was hand made and either of wool or cotton material.  Found Clint a possible Xmas present and got me a small bday present of fingerless gloves.  They're more like sleeves.   We then went back to my apartment and used matches as candles for our cupcakes.

Did a little more shopping more of checking out new stores in the area, then we decided on bowling.  It worked out perfectly!!  We played 3 games of bowling during the 1st half of the Hog game that we were ABLE to watch AT the bowling alley!!  Clint won 2 out of the 3 but I killed him in the middle game.  I had 4 strikes and 6 spares for all the games together.  We then tried going to Cable Car Pizza but they didn't have the hog game on so we went up to Mojito's instead.  Ordered a huge 44oz frozen strawberry margarita for us to share and watched the 2nd half of the hog game.  It was a great fun day!!

Sunday we were going to go up to Joe and Shea's but Clint's mom when she said dinner she meant lunch so we had to cancel on them.. :-(   It was his family and my grandparents.  Had some yummy roast angus beef from his cousins' farm and a bunch of veggies and salad.  I had to blow out the candles on our cake and brownies because Clint woke up feeling sicky.  We played outside with the "toys," 4-wheeler, '78 Toyota Land Cruiser, a huge Star cruiser and a little bitty Honda bike.  I tried riding the little bike and wouldn't ya know it the throttle got stuck on me when I was taking off.  Scared poor Clint who was hanging on the back of it intending to steady me but was dragged along instead.  We both got some good birthday cards and much needed money.  We then were both feeling punny and decided it was time to go back to his place. 

Now I have pulled an all-nighter for German homework, French homework and a German essay that I had to find a website for.  Ugh.  I ended up looking up Churches of Christ in Germany and used a church's website.  Lol let's hope it works.  Otherwise I may  have to rewrite it.  Now time to tackle getting ready for school and studying for my French oral exam on Wednesday!!!  Stressed, wound-up tired and sore.....

I am also very disappointed that the two people who I always tell happy birthday to and give them nice presents completely FORGOT my birthday.  I mean I have known them both their own lives.  I took care of them growing up.  Yes you guessed it - my brother and sister forgot my birthday!!  Kevin at least has a decent excuse - his new program has him so stressed out right now.  I know that's why he forgot.  And he has a chance to redeem himself tomorrow night for pizza with Nini and Pop-pop.  Kelly on the other hand I have done everything I could to ease Dad off of her during her pregnancy.  I consoled her when Dad said terrible things to her and got her nice stuff for the baby.  Nada ziltch!  She's too focused on keeping up with DJ's family (baby daddy) since they don't judge her.  Well I sure don't and I can't control my dad or my granny.  I really want them to come up for Thanksgiving.  Now that would make up for her forgetting my birthday.

Now I must start my day!! Wish me luck and awakeness!!!

My Dreams if I remember correctly

Dream big or go home right?

Apparently I have had a defeatist/realist attitude about life here lately.  I want to change that back to the random spontaneous dreamer I used to be.  Clint says I'm not the girl he fell in love with.  She comes out for a brief period and just gets put back away in a little box where nobody can destroy, ruin, or criticize her dreams and herself.  It doesn't hurt as bad when those are put away and the mask is up.  I took down my mask yesterday for Stephanie and Steve.  It hurt but it felt good to just release.  I bottle everything up because the stuff I know can get people hurt or into  trouble.  I feel like I have a limited amount of people I can talk to in the church because most of them know my parents or family.  I want to share.  I want to dream those big dreams that I always got in trouble for when I was a child.  

Therapy for me is this blog and now thanks to my friend Ashley, I'm looking into "zentangle."  And I'm going to start doing something everyday for me to make me happy or to smile. 

I used to have this list about all my dreams.  Being trapped in a small town wanting to see the world, dreaming big in hope of escaping that small town was what literally saved me from ending my own life.  I dislike the norm but for once I want a more normal life.  Less drama, less responsibility - I've had both as long as I could remember.  I didn't ask for it, didn't go looking for it.  Anyhow, my bucket list: **I will add more when I remember it.  Blast that concussion.

Places I want to go to/see:

-Egypt --I used to want to be a female Indiana Jones when I was little.  I want to explore the pyramids, find some mummies. 

-pretty much all of Britain, Ireland, Wales, England, Scotland.  My heritage.  And I do have other reasons now to go.  I want more than anything to get married in Ireland. That's my biggest dream now, besides that day I get my sparkle.  :-)

- Germany -- my cousin has been a missionary there since I was very little.  My grandparents also had a German foreign exchange student for a bit.  Also my heritage; I've pretty much have had a desire to go to western Europe since 5ish.  I hated being stuck in one place.  I wanted to see new things!!  Still do.

-France (yes I have been but really didn't get to enjoy good French cuisine and I dislike being rushed thru art museums, plus there is still so much I didn't see)

- Italy - do I really need to go into why?  There is so much history there and well it's Italy.  

- Greece -- I used to get grounded for wanting to learn more about Greek mythology.  Made my parents mad that I wasn't being a good little Christian kid and I wasn't even baptized yet.  Geez-- I want to see that white rocky beach line with the green blue sea.  

**BIG DREAM ALERT** I want to take a cruise around the Mediterranean Sea!!!  Wear fabulous loose fitting clothing (kinda dumb but dress like the old Greeks and not for dumb sorority functions), eat wonderful food, drink wonderful wine, and of course I would bring along Mr Clinty.  :-) 

-Spain - I want to visit all the Catholic churches there and see the history behind the Spanish Inquisition.  And Barcelona plus Degas is one of my favorite artists. Love the ballerina paintings of his

-Hawaii --now I know I really don't have to explain this one.  :-)

-Canada - in the fall/winter.  Always have wanted to have that out in the wilderness.  Fall is gorgeous there.

-Thailand -- it's so mystic and beautiful there.  Peaceful and I want to try so many different types of food there.  


-Australia -- I want to swim with sharks.  EEEEK!!!!  


- California --again, I want to learn how to surf and tour the wine country.


- New York City --AT CHRISTMAS!!  The huge Christmas tree in Time Square, ice-skating, window shopping, seeing all the old shops like Macy's, and hopefully a cool Broadway show.  Too bad they're not playing Cats anymore.  That was one of my biggest dreams when I was 8.  I wanted to see Cats more than anything.


- Vermont --tour it on a motorcycle in the fall with Clint.  :-)


- Maine -- for the history and fresh lobster


- DISNEY WORLD!!! -- don't care whether it's California, Florida, Paris...I want to go.


- Peru -- weird but just always has been a place I wanted to go since I was little


- Mayan Ruins --big history buff when I was in elementary school.  Have always wanted to go and still do.


- Brazil/Amazon river -- just have always wanted to wander thru a rainforest, zip-line thru the tree tops




What I want to learn how to do:


- How to ride a Motorcycle
- Dry a stick-sift 
- To surf
- Sky-diving
- Crocheting
- Knitting
- How to sew lol
- Paint ---I know it's simple it's just well I need all the paint, the brushes, canvases etc....and kinda scared of just sucking at it.  Can mix paint just fine.
- How to change my oil
- Fluent in German, French and Spanish
- Wood-carving
- Sculpting/pottery
- How to tango/waltz/samba/more swing than what I do --DANCE!
- Basket-weaving
- How to cut my own hair --SCARY!




Other random dreams:


- Getting corrective laser surgery for my eyes
- Having my own house designed for me built--maybe more than one
- Having a big flower garden that I can stroll through
- Marry the guy of my dreams...this is kinda funny...I wrote this when I was 16-18yrs old, and it's dead-on Clint for the most part.
     +Blonde hair, blue eyes, facial hair, great sense of humor, MUST LIKE CATS,  spontaneous, speed-addict (as in going fast!), non-controlling, good morals I didn't at that point care if he was Christian, and taller than me.
(Clint was taller than me when we started dating...and i'm so grateful that he's the one. I thank God for him every day more than once.)
- I want a huge library with big windows and built in cushy window seats and a big piano.  Kinda want a secret passage too in it lol.
- I wanted an addition to my dream house, a little cottage filled with light and surrounded by a garden.  I want my mom to live out in the cottage and I want to just let her have her own cute home and garden for her to do whatever she wants with it.  
- A real leather Catwoman suit....sounds bad but this is something I have always wanted whip and all.  Lol I used to dream about wearing it on my honeymoon.  I have warned you that I am weird.


As I said at the beginning, thanks to that concussion parts of my memory are shot.  I'll complete this or add on when it comes to me.  I have most of this written in  my Bible.   Not going to tell detail about my biggest dream because if you tell then it won't come true right?  And I want it to be perfect.  Haven't lost that perfectionist side of me.  :-)

I'm starting my day off with a hugely unhealthy dose of disappointment and helplessness. I just paid 692.17 for a car that is most likely going to break down on me. I do not have time for a job or to go looking for a job. I need a job so I can get financing for an affordable car. If I get a job, there goes my good grades and all my hard work.

What's wrong with the BMW----> radiator blew up AGAIN fussing together all the plastic parts around it makin them brittle and all screwed up. I quite possibly have another blown gasket. And I'm not even sure I can get 3-4,000 for it now even though it's worth at least 5,000 in just parts.

I need a cosigner and a good cheap car. My dad will probably divorce my mom if she cosigns with me thanks to my sister's fiasco. There's Clint but we're not even engaged yet and that is not how I want to start off forever with him. Then there's my grandparents but they already pay for my health insurance and give me money when they know I'm getting tight and close to the negative.

I just want something to work for me. Whenever I feel like I get solid footing, something like this happens. Clint tells me that I have a defeatist attitude. What good are dreams when they never work out? I want to still be able to dream without worrying about failing miserably in the attempt. It scares me now to dream because thanks to this wonderful world crushing out most of my hope.

Not all is lost. Even though it's a stretch for me, I'm still trying my hardest to put faith in God that everything will fall into place. Everything happens for a reason. I should be thankful that I even own a car and have a roof over my head. That I have my family and Clint trying their hardest to help me get through. That I'm still alive after all my near death experiences. I am strong and I know this. I just can't handle school with all their crap, my brother and thinking about his future, Clint wanting a bright and happy future without Kevin, or all these expectations people have for me. I cannot handle disappointing them.

Lord please if it be Your will, grant me the strength to make it thru all this. Please please be with the Student Aid Committee and allow them to see that yes I am worth the chance and do deserve to be awarded my loans. Please help me, and allow this vocational rehabilitation to work out. I want to move on with my life and all these problems are holding me back.

Thank you Lord for the beauty that surrounds me. Thank You for my friends, family and Clint. Thank You for I am truly blessed. It is very hard to admit that I am but I know I am. Thank You Lord for everything and thank You for sending Your Son.

And thank You Lord for the sunshine. I need it today.

Oh holy crap!! My oral exams are in two weeks!!! Tomorrow is the fateful day of figuring out how much I get to pay for my car. Makes me sick to think about it. I don't want to work this holiday season but I'm afraid I have no choice. I'm a nervous wreck considering my re-appeal and I pray that I get it. Praying that that vocational rehabilitation works out as well. If both do, then I may be able to get out of school within the next two years.

Once upon a time is a great show but I guess I get to watch it myself.

One week and guess what day that is?!?!

Yes one week from tomorrow is my 25th birthday and Clint's 27th birthday.  We're cool like that sharing a birthday.  And my mom is giving me money for some excellent Razorback tickets that we just so happened to come across...Lower section at the 50yd line!!  55 a piece!  So early birthday present for both Clint and I!  I won't lie....I'm kinda hoping for a sparkly birthday present.  Still trying to figure out what to get him...I figured out Christmas.  Just need a good birthday gift for my picky man. 

Still doing well in school, excited to find out that instead of making a 38% on my first personal finance test I made a 38/50!!  WAY better and so I have a C in finance, a high B in French and a low A in German.  Whoot whoot!!  Got back my French and German tests - French was an 82 and German was a 95.  Also got back essays in both - 45/50 in French, and a 94 on the german one.  Now all I have to do is ace my oral exams, continued doing well on my tests, and camp out at the library for a day or so to check out all the copies of the Wall St Journal since i lost my journal for the daily numbers of the Dow.  Ugh......

Turned in my re-appeal for my financial aid.  Included my evaluation for ADHD and mild depression and funeral bulletins for Clint's grandma and Ryan's mom with it this time, had turned in a note from my doctor about my concussion, and several funeral bulletins including my Grandpa's.  I have officially buried them in more than enough adequate documentation and if they don't award me my aid, well then there's really nothing else I can do.   I was referred by my financial aid advisor to look into Arkansas Vocational Rehabilitation.  What it does is for people with disabilities that inhibit them from doing their very best in school provides some aid.  I qualify with my severe asthma and allergies and having ADHD may help as well with that.  It is not the same thing as what Kevin is in...Kevin's in a program called the Arkansas Dept of Rehabilitation for disabled people who aren't disabled enough for LifeStyles and are disabled enough to struggle in a college setting.

My car is in the shop and the mechanic quoted the repair to be 450-500 dollars to get my car up and running again.  Radiator blew again, so it needs a new radiator and thermostat.  AGAIN.  This is the 3rd time for this particular car to have radiator issues.  Last time caused a head gasket to crack and had to replace the whole engine.  I need a new-to-me used reliable car.  Wanting an older Honda CRV that's 4wd automatic with lowish miles.  Hahaha...we found one in a manual with low miles.  No thank you!

I'm still having the headaches when i try to work out -- my doctor said that I could continue to experience these until a year or two after the concussion or may never go away.  Gah!  All I want to do is fit into my clothes I wore before that blasted concussion!  I would even be happy with just being able to have fun and do the things I love without worrying about my head pulsating close to the top of my spine.  Only thing I can take for it is ibuprofen.  I hate taking so many medications.  Looking into getting the BC implant instead of the ring - have an appointment Monday to consult my woman doc and be tested to make sure I'm able to.  Trying to do it before the end of the year so I pay half the price instead of the full amount, once January rolls around I pay full price of all my prescriptions.  Yet ANOTHER reason why I'm eligible for the Vocational Rehabilitation.  Praying that it all works out.

Here's to you Staci

Here's my cousins Megan and Staci.  We grew up building hay forts and playing in cow fields.  My cousin Staci passed away only days from her 21st birthday in road construction.  My family is ultra conservative and when they found out she had some alcohol in her system, they trash-talked her.  She was a free-spirit who did not deserve it.  It was legal the amount she had.  Little Rock is known for road construction and terrible accidents/deaths.  We weren't as close when we grew up but she was one of my closest friends as a child. 

Süßes oder Saures!!!

German for TRICK OR TREAT!  :-)  I would have given all the candy to the kid who said that to me.  

HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!  Kevin's gotten into the Arkansas Rehabilitation Program up in Springdale.  Hopefully this is the right path to help him become more able to take care of himself.  We are going to celebrate with pizza Friday night to keep his spirits up.  My new hair-dresser's aunt is supposed to call me tomorrow since she has a son just like Kevin and she's very interested in this program.

HAPPY!!!  Halloween is one of my favorite holidays!  It was one of the happier days for my childhood.  We trick-or-treated out in the country and everybody knew us so we got lots of candy.  My Nan-nan would save me all the Reeses out of her candy bag.  She gave us toys too.  One of the funny memories from Halloween was we even hit up the grocery store/gas station for candy on Halloween.  Richard the owner would dress up and hand out candy to all the kids.  Poor Kevin was confused and thought he could have ANY candy so he picked up one from the merchandise.  Mom and Dad caught him and made him give it back.  The owner thought it was hilarious and let him pick out some from the free candy. 

We had a TON of trick-or-treaters here at Mitch's new house.  He had to run out and buy the last few bags of candy from Walgreens.  I hung a sign up saying TEMPORARILY OUT OF CANDY---MORE ON THE WAY!!  We turned away about 30 kids while waiting.  I loved answering the door and handing out the candy.  Made them say "Trick-or-treat!" and interrogated the smaller ones about their costumes.  My favorites were a little girl dressed up like Michael Jordan with face paint and matching hair net, the little redheaded boy sheriff who thought Clint's gardening tools were the coolest thing ever and preferred them over the candy, and the little rainbow princess who stumbled over her words trying to tell me what her costume was and ran away after I gave her the candy saying "I'm a Rainbow Princess!"  LOL!!!  

Sad......  BMW is out of commission right now.  Radiator problems yet again and the suspension is completely shot.  Time for a new-to-me car that is super cheap.  Going to the shop tomorrow....more money to dump into this money pit. 

When I start to feel that wonderful peace of things going right and I begin to thank God for blessing me, somethings breaks down or some other event happens.  After losing so many loved ones, I cannot help but wonder who's going to be next?  Whose funeral do I get to go to and mourn for?  A friend from back home passed away this past weekend, car accident hit head on.  People who are not from small towns don't understand or comprehend how close small towns are.  Even though I was the oddball who didn't like camo and actually loved reading, my small town is just as close to me as my family.  Small towns have their advantages and disadvantages.  Everybody knows who you are and there is no disappearing.  Yet they care for you in their own way.  Yesterday was the one year anniversary for my Nan-nan's murder, on Halloween.  That one time of year we always went to see her and I got all her Reeses.  She brought me a present too every year on my birthday which is coming up.  As my birthday nears, the day my cousin died nears too.  You don't really think about appreciating the people in your life til they're gone.  I am not hanging on to the past - I am appreciating my memories of loved ones.  The thoughts of whose next aren't as bad when I think of the happy good times, remembering those loved ones I have lost.  So here's to you, my loved ones hopefully looking down from above.  I love and miss each one of you very much. 

This past weekend....

Well this was an overall great weekend.  Friday night Kevin, Clint and I went to go check out a possible rent house for me and Kevin.  1950-1960's house that has a garage but the landlord uses as personal storage, very low ceilings - I mean I have 4-6 inches btw my head and the ceiling throughout, everything needed a couple coats of fresh paint and serious cleaning.  What killed the deal was she was asking 400 per month w/out the garage and it was a really old house = SERIOUS MOLD PROBLEM, especially in the garage.  I told her that I would like to see it after it had been worked on and that I couldn't commit to it in that state.  After we left about 10 mins later, Clint and I both reacted badly to the mold and had to stop immediately for some benadryl.  I had to use my inhaler it was that bad. 

After we dropped Kevin off at the apartment, Clint and I went to the movies to see Puss in Boots the non 3d version.  It was cute and not too bad!  We were worried about how it would stand on its own from Shrek, but it was good.  Not like stellar good but cute and good. 

Saturday, we had breakfast at the Rolling Pin - YUM!!!  We then waited out an untimely headache of Clint's and later went down to his mom's to work on his Toyota Landcruiser, his first love. Spent the day playing with the dog outside while being productive to get his Landcruiser up and running.  Kinda glad we didn't watch the game.  We followed the score via my phone and good grief by not watching I saved my poor nerves.  Some devout Arkansas fan died of a heart attack that day I guarantee it.  I made a shrimp scampi pasta for dinner, then we went to the haunted corn maze in Cave Springs with Mitch, Jenna, and Lyndsey Jenna's friend.  FACT - don't get in front of me when there's a guy in a mask chasing me with a chainsaw.  I will run you over and anything else in my way.  I literally cannot control it.  When I come to my senses, I look around and oops I left Clint behind and pushed over everybody in front of me preventing my escape.  We then went to Five Guys up in Rogers which was disappointing.  Mr Burger is way better. 

We went to Flagstone Church of Christ today and it was a great worship service.  A little long with the lesson still a good message and excellent singing.  Had lunch with the Praters and played with Kason.  He's such a lively baby full of all these hilarious facial expressions.  Sad to say but my poor nephew is becoming a TV zombie and it's very dismaying.  I was worried about him when Kelly was carrying him with all the stress and anxiety she had thanks to Dad.  I pray he's not like Kevin.  That is literally the only thing that scares me about having children of my own.  Anyhow my car decided to spring a leak in the radiator hose.  Have to HAVE to get a new-to-me used car that is cheap. 

Would like to say something, but it's a secret.  Makes me think of some weird story I heard when I was a kid about this lady who had to keep a secret so great and it became a weighty thought on her mind and wore on her mind to the point where she had to run outside to scream it under water so she could fulfill her promise of secrecy and yet unload her mind.  I may have remembered it wrong but it made a huge mental impact on me as a kid to where I pictured it like a movie.  Not that I'm bad at keeping secrets.  I'm usually really good because I forget about it.  But well.....gah.  Gotta run...need to find my vampire teeth.  HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL!!  Sorry distant fam, I would much rather hand out candy to little kiddos than to listen to you all argue about politics and other crap trying to one up each other and half the time arguing for no good reason seeing how you're basically saying the same thing.

Anyhow ----> HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!  Had to end on a positive.  :-)

Hmm...

http://natural-forces.com/essays/poofree.htm#hardwater

Do I dare try to make my own hair product??  Maybe....

Good lord all my posts are depressing. Sorry folks like i said i am working out my demons. I have bottle this issue up way too long and i want to scream it out for all to hear, but i cannot.

All my life both sides of my family have had the I'll one up you attitude. Also knew how to make me feel so small inside. Trella don't do that!!! When I try to explain the logic behind whatever it was i was doing, my family looked at me like I was an alien. I still get that same freakin attitude from everybody. Oh it's just her....what are you doing now....when are you goin to graduate....what are you studying.....you sure you're going to find a job in that?! Just shut the h up PLEASE!

Days like today where I get excited to see my family that I probably haven't seen since I was in the fifth grade. Sitting next to the 'golden' child of that is sacred and being washed out behind her in her glory just flat out sucks. I AM ME. The quirky oddball who sits quietly to the side thinking well its just best to play dumb because I think on a different wave length. I admit that I want to study German and they laugh in my face well you sure can find a job in that? Grrrr....maybe it will be best if I just don't see my family til I do have that diploma in hand.

What's wrong with being supportive and loving?! Seriously?!?! Why do I have to prove anything to you?! You are my family and I wish you would act more like it instead of being so condescending to me. It doesn't help, it just makes it worse.

Testing....trying out posting from my phone

BAD MONDAY - one of the worst ever

Today was terrible.  On my way to school this morning, my car's electronics were flickering on and off, engine was cutting out, and brakes weren't working (stiff wouldn't go all the way to the floor).  Oh I was on my way to a test too, so I was freaking out thinking I gotta make it, I can't miss this test!!  I was so nervous and anxious about just making it to the test that I had to change shirts when I got back to Clint's place.  Nappy.

Positive note: I think I did pretty good on my test.  The essay threw me off and I missed maybe 3 questions. 

Then right after my test I went to go pick up Clint from the car shop.  The starter on his truck went out so he had to get it fixed.  I was tense, grouchy and tired.  Clint told me that I needed to chill and I didn't take it too well at that moment.  I apologized and said it was just going to take some time to wind down my nerves.  I mean for crying outloud - I struggled to make it to class in a car that wasn't stopping and barely was able to go.  Took him back to his place, barely had time to get my German homework done.  Was running late to get back to school due to elderly/out-of-state drivers and in general people who couldn't drive.  I sprinted to class.  My nerves were frazzled still from my car and my test so I had some difficulty paying attention in class. 

I was so exhausted after class that I had trouble thinking clearly.  I was able to drive coherently just couldn't think about what else to do today and what I wanted to eat.  Called Clint to see if he wanted anything and he didn't know so I went to the closest place to his work with a drive-thru, Chick-fil-a.  As I pulled into their driveway to go thru the drive-thru, this big university truck almost backs into me.  The driver proceeded to call me a bunch of names that makes me want to cry again when I think about it and drove off cussing me out EVEN THOUGH I had the right a way and I stopped in time so he wouldn't hit me.  I pulled into a parking spot and cried.  Tried composing my nerves so i could just get Clint some food and I can go home and get away from people when my car started overheating.  I wasn't able to compose myself from the earlier idiot so I just lost it.  Ordered food, took it to Clint and just waited for him to come and get it.  What's wrong he asks?  I start to sob and tell him all the names that guy called me for avoiding his big truck.  He told me to go home and get a nap and to take one of his muscle relaxers if I wanted to. 

So that is my day.  I cried for Idk how long til I finally fell asleep.  When I woke up I forced myself to eat my sandwich and a piece of my Pop-pop's birthday cake.  Cake's not worth it if you're forcing yourself to eat it.  Not enjoyable at all.  I woke up still whimpering and emotional but for the most part in control of my emotions.  And now I had a wicked headache and a car that's still trying to break down on me.  

Today finally did get better.  Clint was sweet and hugged me all I wanted him to.  We went grocery-shopping and bought more oil for my car. Walmart finally stocked my BigSexyHair hairspray!!! Got some eggnog and Halloween candy.  Now I have a glass of fruit juice, my puppy and my boyfriend AND NO HOMEWORK.  Today did get better, yet it was still up there on terrible days. All I have to say Tuesday YOU will be kind and nice to be and it will be a GLORIOUS day for we are going to carve our pumpkins!! :-) :-)   Oh yeah I need to check my bank account - scary.  I think I'll save it for Tuesday.

Left behind...

I am very happy that all my friends are moving on in their lives and finding their significant other and getting married.  All I want to know is is it ever going to be my turn?  You know this is something a girl dreams about ever since she could remember.  Idk....maybe I'm impatient and maybe I'm not.  It is partially my fault for not progressing on with a degree.  I'm tired of taking care of a handicapped ungrateful brother.  I am not his parent.  I'm tired of being the "responsible one".  I'm tired of being guilted for just trying to live! Yes I skipped church today but I feel it was much needed to gather perspective and to fight off this hum-dum routine that we fall into.  Instead we cooked a big breakfast and took it easy and were thankful for what we were blessed with.  Took communion tonight folks so no worries. 


Test tomorrow so gotta keep this short.  Congratulations Courtney and Davis.  I am very happy for the both of you. 

Here's pictures I promised

These are pictures that make me happy.  My nephew, the cats, the dog, my brother and most of all Clint.  :-)

Here is my hair!!  Looks brown but it is a dark auburn.  Clint likes it a lot better than the blonde/red highlights.

Clint holding Dayven last time we got to see him

Dayven last time we went down to see him and our yorkie-poo Phebe

Hog fan with deer in the headlight look....lol

My hair is naturally very curly and was mostly brown when I was growing up.  Changed red on its own naturally.

Sir Petey and Bunny La mange at their last trip to the vet....they give Kevin something to talk about other than games and they help him express emotions.  Like anger with Petey for ripping down his posters from his walls in his bedroom.  Oops

Dayven looks a lot like Kevin.  Check out his teefers!! And those elephant ears....poor thing

 KITTIES!!

Kevin face

Procrastination will be the death of me

Gah I need to study.  Study study study homework study study study homework.  Never ending!!!  Gah!

I don't remember my point in starting a new post.  My bad.

Scare and not yet Halloween

Pop-pop gave me a good scare today.  My poor Pop-pop woke up dizzy, light-headed, dry heaving and nauseous.  My Nini called my uncle Stu, told him what was going on and he told her to hang up and dial 911.  His symptoms could have been stomach flu but also could have been a heart attack. 

They ran tests and everything came back without any significant results.  He's going to a cardiologist to follow up and make sure nothing is really wrong.  I was one of the first to know because I was planning on fixing him a big birthday dinner with his favorite cake - white cake with cream cream icing both laced with coconut rum and coconuts.  I picked him and Nini up from the emergency room and took them home. He was feeling well enough to gripe about the ambulance driver's driving through construction and school zones.  He said that they sang him Happy Birthday while running the tests.  Oh yeah today is his 77th birthday.  I told him he should have gotten a balloon for spending his birthday in the emergency room. 

I had been thinking about my grandpa a lot and then this happens.  I know I wouldn't appreciate my Pop-pop the most out of the grandkids if it wasn't for me not being there for my grandpa when I wanted to.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to take Kevin back home for his disability evaluation.  I think I'm just going to head straight back so I can be here if I need to be.  And I do have a test so nobody's talking me out of it.  If we leave by 2-3pm I should be back by 10-11pm at the latest.  That way I have Thursday morning to study and I am here in case they need me. 

I guess tonight Clint and I will go pick out pumpkins to carve probably Sunday.  You really don't know what you're missing til you lose it. Then it's gone.  Please keep my Pop-pop in your prayers.  I have nightmares about him going before Nini and her being put in a home.  I also have them about the same thing except I move in with her and Kevin and Clint leaves me.  Last night my nightmares were about zombies eating my poor Phebes.  Clint laughed about it asking me how old I was.  Now I must write a German essay, fill out a French and German study guide, and make up a study guide for Personal Finance. 

Church, hair, and what-not

After attending Combs St, Clint, Brittney and I realized how routine church has gotten for us.  Brittney and I dress up for church in order to not feel out of place.  Church has become so impersonal to us, so cold.  Any heart-felt feelings in church is squashed out immediately by well don't want to upset anybody around me.  I admire Yvonne for how heart-felt she is during service yet I know people are like well that's her in a well we usually have to make excuses for her tone.

Combs was heart-felt, warm and inviting.  I guess we need a new church home if that is what we have to say about our church.  I know once I follow the norm and pop out babies we'll fit right back in.  I feel estranged from my church.  I catch myself disagreeing with the sermon or with the class lesson, or notice well that's not right.  I feel like the bad guy for catching it.  Clint only likes to go when he drives the bus.  I catch myself here, like?  We're servants of God.  It's not about us, right?  We're supposed to worship despite all this and be loving and humble.  I did go to Flagstone with Drew to meet up with Kyla.  It threw me off that there were two song-leaders, one guy and one lady, with microphones.  The song service was amazing however.  The lesson was great as well.  I know I'm not the only one dissatisfied with church, besides Clint and myself.

Onto a more happy note, I have colored my hair and it is super dark.  It's going to take getting used to and I like it so far.  I'll post pictures up later.  If it doesn't grow more on me, then I'll just add some highlights and be done with it.  Getting it trimmed next week so I think I'll wait til then.  Hehehe...

Trying to figure out what I'm cooking for tomorrow night's dinner.  Coconut rum cake - Pop-pop's favorite, marinating either pork-chops/chicken in teriyaki or italian dressing, Nini's brown rice.....Clint still wants his peach pies.  I want/need chocolate chip cookies.  I love to cook.  When I cook/bake, things just seem to right themselves and fall into place where they're supposed to be.  I hate how my medicine makes me not hungry and everything taste bland.  It sucks.

I have two new cousins - one on each side.  Elaina on the Smith side would be my 4th cousin but the way me and her mom were raised she would be more like 2nd.  Weird I know.  My cousin on the Jones side just had his second, baby boy Micah.  What makes his birth more exciting is my uncle John arrived back from Afghanistan just days before Micah arrived after a 8-10 month tour.  My aunt Sylvia I'm sure is dancing around her amazing house happy as a lark.  Micah almost was born on Pop-pop's birthday.  Their birthdays are just a day apart.  He was really hoping that his third great-grandkid would share his birthday with him.

I'm so happy that my family is doing well and is blessed.  I just wish and pray that this peace stays, but I know once Dayven is able to speak the happiness will vanish as quickly as it appeared.  I pray that it doesn't.  I know my sister and my dad, I cannot help but to think that.  I worry everyday about Kevin.  I distance myself from him so he can enjoy himself and not feel like I'm bothering or pestering him.  I pretty much raised him so I tend to mommy him a lot.  I want him to grow up and yet I want him to remain content with the world the way he sees it. Clint is tired of catering to him and of helping to take care of him.  My parents fight about what to do with him, Dad's even said something about committing him to the state and how it's too bad he's not retarded enough to be.  I understand his frustration but thinking of him saying that just makes me dislike him even more.  I'm a bad Christian for back-talking my father and begging my mom to leave him.  She only talks to me about their problems in our family.  Anything that makes her happy, he rips it up or destroys it.  She is only supposed to make him happy and is supposed to be the only thing that makes her happy.    Us women are supposed to serve the man.  I still remember the day when I quoted the rest of that parable/verse to my dad.  I struggle to forgive him for it.  I have for the most part.  Thinking about all this makes me miss my Grandpa more and more.  He was fighting with dad when he was dying about how dad was going to lose everything if he didn't change.  He always had a way of making things right or of saving the day.  When my car died, dad would yell at me and call grandpa to tell him to deal with me.  Grandpa would come and see me crying.  Same thing with Kelly and Kevin - he never said much about it but he would take us for ice cream after he saved us.  I gotta stop here, I can't talk about this anymore without losing it altogether.

Gosh, I've been told I should write a book about my bizarre life.  I'm not lingering on the past, I promise.  When I think about Dayven though, I can't help but worry.  I want to protect him better than I did for Kevin and Kelly.  I like to think of my mom being happy and be able to plant whatever she wants in her garden and to have her green house room where she can play her piano all day long.  I want to be able to provide that safe haven for her someday.  I guess this is what drives me the most.  She sacrificed everything for me, her happiness, her dreams.  I know if I was not born, she would have left dad.

I smile and I wish for the days where I thought the satellites that float across the sky were shooting stars.  I remember that wish I always made.  God please take me away from here, but also take mom, kevin, kelly and grandpa too. I promise to be good.....So far most of that wish has come true.  People who went to church camp with me knew that that week was usually the best week of the year for me.  I would cry that last night of camp every time not wanting to go back. I escaped home.  I was allowed to be me and to have fun.  Now everybody from home is having babies.  Trella why aren't you having kids yet?  Do you even want them?  I reply yes I do but I think it would be selfish of me to bring one into existence without the adequate means of supporting the child.  I do not need to validate my life by popping out kids.  I want a kid don't get me wrong.  I just want to have a happy family and to not struggle being happy.  Then that's where the person is like oh so you think you are better than me.  No I don't.

I'm done venting.  Things that make me happy are my nephew with his big goofy ears, my books, painting my nails, taking my time to bake a masterpiece, picking out presents that I know that they will love, listening to music, having a good solid and reasonable discussion about the Bible.  Much much more to come.  Clint is off of work and it's time for dinner.

I pray that whatever God has in store for me to be successful.  I pray that His will not mine be done and I pray that those that I love are happy and blessed.

Fall Break!

Well the University of Arkansas finally has its first fall break --FINALLY!! Spent the first day of it helping B-ritt shop for cars with Clint.  Was really impressed with the Kia Optima Turbo 4cycl.  We had Rick's for breakfast and Sushi King up in Bentonville for lunch.  Had a great time with Brittney driving cars, she told a salesman let's go play meaning I want to drive this car now.  Lol

My goals for the weekend is to finish up my appeal, be fully prepared for my german, french, AND personal finance tests next week, start cleaning the grandparents house, and bake/cook a good birthday dinner for my sweet Pop-pop.  Oh yeah and a German essay too about my dream trip. 

Been reminded yet again that I need to hurry and get out of school.  My response to how much longer I have is well I planned on going til I get free college when I'm 65 and just be one of the smartest people in the world.   My lack of progress in school plus Clint's lack of finding a job is what's hindering our relationship to progress to the next stage.  I don't mind really but I don't see the harm in at least getting a ring to show that yes it's eventually going to happen.  Grrr.....I feel like I pick myself up and start to feel happy about myself again, someone has to remind me about me being a disappointment.  Won't lie it's Clint.  He's frustrated with the job-hunting and how much more I have til I'm done with school.


Ooooo.....bought a color for my hair and I cannot wait to color it!!  Dark auburn just a little darker than my natural.  I need to work on my Christmas list so I don't end up with a bunch of crap that I don't know what to do with besides regift.  That's all for now.  My posts will prolly be jumping from topic to topic and short and sweet, hopefully.

Me as of right now

I'm a struggling student trying to figure out what it is exactly I'm meant to do.  I was just recently diagnosed with ADHD, and it makes me mad when I try to confide in people about it.  Yes I know it's over diagnosed.  My mom first noticed me having attention problems when I was in the 4th grade.  My multiple head injuries have slowly helped it progress to the point where focus is a real struggle for me.  I feel like I'm in a boxing ring trying to force myself to FOCUS.  Every time my focus slacks, I beat myself up for it. That explains my mild depression I was also diagnosed with. 

I decided I needed to start a blog so I can try to learn how to organize my thoughts better.  I just recently made the switch from shampoo/conditioner to baking soda/apple cider vinegar.  My hair is less brittle/dryed out, has better shine, and LESS FRIZZ!!!  Woohooo!!!  So much cheaper....

I used to be the smart kid, the shiny prodigy child.  Had great grades, active in community service and clubs, and won several scholarships.  I had thought that I found my niche my major but now I'm not just so sure about it.  Interior design program is supposed to be your first and only priority.  I'm not willing to sacrifice my God, Clint, my health, family or friends for a program that accuses me of not being dedicated due a concussion from slipping on black ice.  In what world does that make sense?!  Then my advisor also mentioned how I was wasting taxpayers' money.  I asked how that was possible seeing how I paid for school myself with help from my family and Clint?  She didn't respond and what I could read from her face was that I was wasting her time. 

I just want that moment where I knew what I wanted to do.  I won't lie my confidence in myself has been thoroughly shaken to my core.  I still have the good ole quality of not being a quitter.  I thank my red auburn hair for that.  I may be rambling.  Oh well. 

I am me, the one and only.  I can't change my mistakes and what happened in the past.  I know all this is just God's way of making me stronger.  Friends and family bear with me while I take the usual route - the long complicated way due to my over-thinking and talking stuff out. 

Here I go

Apparently blogging is supposed to relieve stress and be very therapeutic, so here I go. This is me. More to come later, just figured I would keep the first short and sweet.