I
WON
MY
APPEAL
!!!!!!!
About time!!! I finished the remaining circus hoops after receiving the excellent wonderful news and I should be getting my loan money Tuesday. Woohooooo!!!!!
Yesterday was still rough but I guess that's life. Car issues revolving around what to do with my BMW, what I can/can't afford, and what my dad, pop-pop and Clint think I need and all three are trying to help me - IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE. Dad has no regard of my budget and will probably try getting me what he thinks I need. Pop-pop, bless his soul, wanted to buy me a 1999 Buick Lesabre for 3,000, which is a grandma car, terrible on gas and probably has been wrecked. I want to avoid expensive auto-mechanic bills, not get more. Clint's the practical one about what I should get, but he constantly steams about it and gets mad at me when I choose getting school work done instead of dwelling on a topic that I cannot resolve at that given time.
Things will be more doable when I get my loan money and hear back from vocational rehabilitation. Until then I have to assume I can only if barely afford a 100-200 monthly car payment. I had found a great used car but thanks to my dad and lack of funding it is gone.
Mitch renewed his tags and put up-to-date insurance in his truck, so I can borrow it til I find something without worrying about more ticket drama. Not sure if I want to borrow it now though....I'm just ready to find something for myself.
After dealing with all the car drama/crap, my good friend Drew came along and started talking to me about the Tony Collins Memorial fund and what tree he had picked out for it. I don't remember what tree it was but it was very fitting for Tony. As we were looking at pictures of the tree and talking about it's qualities, two other guys in the same room wanted to know what the tree was for. I responded for the Tony Collins Memorial. The newer guy, freshman I believe, flat-out asked me um why do you care? I said that he was my first friend here. Then I lost all control over my emotions, jumped up and started hastily gathering up my stuff from the other room, crying all the while. He came in and apologized but basically I don't blame him for saying what he said. What he said broke my heart and hit it dead on with why I just haven't been active as a Christian. It's hard to explain, but I feel guilty for not being there more for him, guilty for trying to act like everything is going to be ok. Tony was one of my very first friends I made here when I moved up here. We lost contact with each when he became more active in band and when I was struggling with school and deaths of loved ones. Then I met Clint and well once you meet your significant other you tend to disappear. When he was diagnosed with the tumors, I visited him and talked to him via Facebook and texts. Once things started to get bad, I couldn't handle watching him suffer. It was like my grandpa all over again. Both were optimistic and praising God throughout both of their ordeals. Tony and my grandpa had all the qualities I strive to be like as a Christians and overall great men of faith. I respect both equally and look up them. Grandpa is a little higher than Tony but that's because I grew thinking of Grandpa as my hero when things were bad.
It's kinda funny that when I think about it, Tony, Grandpa, Mrs Kassaundra, Nan-nan and Mr Tommy were all very similar. All were kind, strong in faith, not quick to anger, humorous....best of all not judgmental. Mr Tommy was a little louder, Mrs Kassaundra and Grandpa a little more quieter, yet I could see in them that Christian light that we're all supposed to have within us. Their lights were the brightest of all. Staci had that light in her as well, she just took a different path to find it. I try my best to set my Christian goals for myself based on these fine examples of Christian faith that I was blessed to witness and experience first hand.
Stephanie invited me to come to prayer group too saying that I had a lot of prayer requests and praises. I felt terrible for telling her that I couldn't come, I had to study for my test because I needed to ace it. And then there's that little thing called a car which I currently don't have a functioning one at the moment. When I think about receiving pray, I feel guilty for asking and receiving it. I know that I shouldn't but I guess that's the prideful Smith raising I received showing. I feel like I'm showing that yet again I'm a disappointment for not being more able to handle my life. I know that I'm supposed to turn everything over to God and that receiving prayers is a wonderful encouragement and blessing.
I am going to apologize now for having lengthy frequent posts. Imagine what else is going on in my head that I'm not telling you about though. I've decided to try finding a publicist willing to see me about writing my life story. I also decided that I would change my name for the author and the names of those in my life story so I won't hurt anybody with what I write. I also don't want to anger the people who have hurt me by acknowledging that they were the ones to do this to me. I need to build a healthy relationship with my dad. If I write about him in this whatsoever, a lot of it will tick him off at me and I will be written out of the will and kicked out of the family. I don't want my mom forbidden to talk or see me. But yes, I think i need to share my story, so that others like me will know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just gotta keeping pushing as hard as you can to reach it.
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