I'm starting my day off with a hugely unhealthy dose of disappointment and helplessness. I just paid 692.17 for a car that is most likely going to break down on me. I do not have time for a job or to go looking for a job. I need a job so I can get financing for an affordable car. If I get a job, there goes my good grades and all my hard work.

What's wrong with the BMW----> radiator blew up AGAIN fussing together all the plastic parts around it makin them brittle and all screwed up. I quite possibly have another blown gasket. And I'm not even sure I can get 3-4,000 for it now even though it's worth at least 5,000 in just parts.

I need a cosigner and a good cheap car. My dad will probably divorce my mom if she cosigns with me thanks to my sister's fiasco. There's Clint but we're not even engaged yet and that is not how I want to start off forever with him. Then there's my grandparents but they already pay for my health insurance and give me money when they know I'm getting tight and close to the negative.

I just want something to work for me. Whenever I feel like I get solid footing, something like this happens. Clint tells me that I have a defeatist attitude. What good are dreams when they never work out? I want to still be able to dream without worrying about failing miserably in the attempt. It scares me now to dream because thanks to this wonderful world crushing out most of my hope.

Not all is lost. Even though it's a stretch for me, I'm still trying my hardest to put faith in God that everything will fall into place. Everything happens for a reason. I should be thankful that I even own a car and have a roof over my head. That I have my family and Clint trying their hardest to help me get through. That I'm still alive after all my near death experiences. I am strong and I know this. I just can't handle school with all their crap, my brother and thinking about his future, Clint wanting a bright and happy future without Kevin, or all these expectations people have for me. I cannot handle disappointing them.

Lord please if it be Your will, grant me the strength to make it thru all this. Please please be with the Student Aid Committee and allow them to see that yes I am worth the chance and do deserve to be awarded my loans. Please help me, and allow this vocational rehabilitation to work out. I want to move on with my life and all these problems are holding me back.

Thank you Lord for the beauty that surrounds me. Thank You for my friends, family and Clint. Thank You for I am truly blessed. It is very hard to admit that I am but I know I am. Thank You Lord for everything and thank You for sending Your Son.

And thank You Lord for the sunshine. I need it today.