I hate titles.  They're so imposing.  I think I have said that before.  A title slot blows every organized thought of mine out of my head as I ponder what to call this.  I hate titles.

Very excited and happy to start this new group through church.  Trying to force myself to fit into the RFCs is painful.  I'm not that picture perfect puzzle piece. Old friends that once took me as I am are trying to better themselves.  While I appreciate their effort and admire them for it, I do not appreciate being talked to like a child or as if I'm a poor lost sinner who needs to find Jesus.  Don't push your beliefs period onto anyone, just show them.  If you're way of showing them your beliefs is slightly condescending, then I'm sorry I won't tolerate that either.  I am a sinner yet I am a Christian too.  I was forced to attend so many Harding gospel meetings growing up, had religion crammed down my throat to where I almost just wanted to pursue an atheistic view on the world.  I'm no longer as Bible smart as I used to be, I'm no longer constantly striving for the utmost perfection, and guess what?  I'm happier with me and my relationship with God.  I never had that father-daughter relationship that apparently I was supposed to use as a reference or guide to how my relationship is supposed to be with God.  When I tried to strive for that perfect 100% forgiveness of my father, I confided in the wrong person who told me that I had to get over my pride.  Now that I have a cooler calmer head I realize that yes there is some pride, yet it's mostly pain, hurt and lack of trust and fear of more pain and hurt.  I was conditioned to that point and it's hard to break that conditioning.  Can you say that it's pride why my autistic brother won't forgive my father for the exact same reason why i just can't?  No you do not say that to someone who admits years of emotional and mental abuse.  

I am still thrilled with the beginning of this new group.  I'm ready for more in-depth relationships with fellow Christians who won't judge me for having my own perspective.  I can tell I cause my mom to think more about her faith now that I pipe up with my reasoning.  For instance today, talking about how I don't believe dancing and drinking in general are bad.  Anything and everything is bad if taken way too far or overly abundantly.  In moderation, it's fine.  How come our religion is the only one who doesn't celebrate our salvation with more passion, enough passion to want to dance for joy?  When talking to her, she said it's still wrong if my social drinking offends someone.  I asked her isn't it just as wrong for that person to be offend by that if it's just based on oh look at that sinner for even having one drop of that substance?  Not that I push it, not that I on purposely try to offend people.  I understand alcoholism and how it affects people and would hate to offend anyone for that reason.  If it's because my one occasional drink is scandalous and sinful and wrong and against God's word, I'd love nothing more than to tell you to piss off.  I may be wrong.  I may be right.  I don't know.  What I won't do is push my ignorant beliefs onto someone else and guilt them about it.  I abhor having other people's beliefs pushed onto me.  Now I'm not saying that I'm not open to a good discussion.  What I am not open to is a one-sided discussion where I am wrong.

People can say that they're Christian and go on in their life, but that doesn't always mean that they are trying to better themselves or become a better person in whole.   My goal is to become a better person.  To be less judgmental, have nicer things to say, control my road rage, control my language (cleaner).....also to treat my body better like it is a temple for God.  Believe it or not people, my glass of wine or beer is way healthier than your soda.  Diet soda drinkers, you're slowly killing yourself.  I'm trying to ween myself off of caffeinated drinks to just a cup of coffee in the morning which is healthy.

My goal ultimately is to be more like my Grandpa and how he walked his path with God.  Only a few have held a light to his example, like Tony.  I want to be like them, where you can tell them anything whether bad or good and they accept you as you are and pray for your well-being.  Not to try and change you, but to better you.

Have a LOT of homework and reading to work on - midterms coming up.  I think I have to stretch out my time left in school to make this wedding more doable.  So super excited to be trying on more wedding dresses including the one with my bridesmaids this Saturday!!!!!!!  Eeeeek!!!!  The sun is shining, I'm alive and I am well.  I'm struggling but who isn't these days?  I feel sorry for those who don't have to struggle and never had a hardship for when it does finally hit them, they will fall apart.  I know I can stand strong, as long as I have my God and Clint on my side, I'm set.  :-)

Well poop. I hate updating this from my phone. Just lost everything I had typed.

You never know when you run into a random stranger how kind a soul they have. The pharmacist who helped me tonight and talked to me as I waited, I swear it was like talking to my grandpa, as if he was checking up on me. As he talked about worrying if his 10 yr old granddaughter appreciated him, I wanted to tell him yes she does, she just doesn't know how to fully appreciate yet. I didn't appreciate what I had with my grandpa til it was too late. I swear that sweet old pharmacist had his twinkle in his eyes just like grandpa did. It broke my heart. I miss him so much. I would hug him and never let go. Ever since he's passed, ive had terrible dreams of him really being alive just not knowing who he was or who any of his family was. I want nothing more than those nightmares to stop, I have them still on a weekly basis.

Thank you kind sweet pharmacist. Thank you grandpa.

Not another LEMON!!!

Grrrr.....  I think I have bought yet another lemon for a car.  Last time though it wasn't a lemon when it came into my possession.  This one however I have had for only 2 months, and this is now it's second time in the shop. 

I think I was a little overzealous in picking that car and should have thought things out a little bit better than what I did.  I will from now on allow Clint to have that mellow it over time instead of jumping the gun. 

Been reading up on the Lemon Law, so I may be asking Lewis to buy back my car?  May.  Or I may just sell it myself and pay off the loan and try and find something cheaper. 

If Clint finds a new job here, he's looking into just getting an old bug and letting me drive the Mazda 3.  If he has to move away, I don't have a clue what's going to happen. 

I still firmly believe that there's always a reason behind everything that happens.  Whether it's good or bad, and that it's part of God's will and he always has something better for you waiting around the corner.  Just might not be what you think is good for you.

Frustration!!!  I need my funds to hurry up and come in.  Pinching pennies with Clint's job situation isn't working.  I asked my mom for help and she said I have to pay her back whatever I borrowed.  Ok fine, but treat all your children the SAME.  Stop buying Kevin expensive gaming stuff and getting me and Kelly piddly stuff.  Stop giving kelly money which she used to use for pot and cigarettes.  Even though Dad offered to "buy" me a car ( buy as in I sell my old car BMW to him and pay the rest of my 'new' car off on my own), it had been recently wrecked, had over 120,000 miles on it, had cigarette burns all over the nasty mustard tan suede interior and had been smoked in.  While I'm calling the car I have a lemon now, that other car was just a POS, hundred times worse that didn't have some kind of warranty.  Praying that my warranty pays for what's making my car crap out. 

I am the good child.  I'm the one still in school, with all the high expectations.  I get more help from Clint's family and my grandparents than I do my parents and granny.  NOT THAT I'M BEGGING.  Not that I'm now taking over paying the car insurance plus car payment and still expected to provide Kevin with transportation.  Or even you always buy me the crappy cars or the Sequoia that I couldn't afford to put gas in, and give Kelly the new cars, the nice ones just so she can either wreck or trash them up.  

I know I sound terrible but allow me this poor me moment.  It falls on deaf ears or I just sound flat-out ungrateful and get chastised for it.   It's back to the same ole same ole.  Trella do this, this, and this oh and don't forget this while we reward your siblings for all your hardwork.  Ungrateful siblings where I have to guilt Kevin to actually talk nice to me when all I ever ask him to do is his own laundry and dishes, or Kelly just being Kelly where she doesn't give a crap besides her, her son, and Dj.  Kevin does have to clean the catbox, but that is something he gets rewarded for keeping up with it, usually on a weekly basis. 

If I were to ask my Granny for help, she would only gripe about my "expensive" hair cuts.  40 bucks.  Yep I sure am a big spender.  My grandparents and Clint already do way too much for me.  They're the only ones I feel like I actually owe something to them.  Yes my parents brought me into this world, but I've paid my dues to them for all the crap, abuse and for actually being the one who did everything while Mom was sick and oh can't make Kevin do that.  Kelly just wouldn't do it and would get spanked but then that chore was passed on to me to make sure it was done correctly.  And for paying for everything on my own and spending what extra money I had to keep them afloat.  While I'm trying to survive on ramen, fruit, and eggs, Kevin always has lunch money to go out for chicken or pizza.  I stole one of his pizzas today as a matter of fact because I was hungry. 

I guess my point is when you asked for help, I didn't ask for anything in return.  Now I'm close to being broke, and you're going to fuss about how I'm the expensive child and that I have to pay you back.  I'm asking for help for paying for my allergy medicines and car that I'm supposed to transport Kevin around in.  I can't help it that I got all of your terrible allergy genes, every single last one of them. 

I also feel like anything I have going on in my life or something to say it's just not that important.  Tried talking to my dad and mom about the wedding.  It looks like it's going to be funded by the bride all by herself.  Dad still isn't bringing in any income.  Hasn't really for years.  What he has brought in has only been enough to pay off his stupid stuff like Team National or the sale barn which both flopped.  Or fix the stuff he breaks.  It's apparently my fault that the Sequoia is messing up now.  When I got it from him, it hadn't had an oil change in 7-8,000 miles.  Changed the oil, the air filters, gutted the inside out, changed brake pads, send it back to him with a fresh oil change.  He takes this 2wd vehicle and treats it like a tractor with 4wd.  And it's my fault it's broken?  Nope I am not paying to fix it. 

Ok I'm going to end this poor me spill.  Please do not judge me for this.  Clint's just tired of hearing about all this and I feel like I'm bursting at the seams.  I get that my mom works very very hard and I appreciate her for having the full-time job and full-time class schedule while taking care of Dad and all his crap.  I even understand and told her yes I'll pay you back.  I've been told to not work for this money that is supposed to be coming in.  I'm trying so very hard to do good in school, be a better person and be more involved with my church and friends. 

Mergh this has been a bad week.  I need a pick-me up.  Breaking Dawn part 1 didn't cut it.  Neither did the recent episode of Once Upon a Time.  Hopefully shopping around looking at some pretty white dresses will pick me back up and hopefully the price tags won't be too discouraging.  Since I'm on my own.  Blah.

Marriage

I am more than slightly disturbed by how many people I know from back home that are getting divorces.  I mean the successful marriage rate down there is probably only 33% or less thanks to all these inconsiderate idiots who think marriage is some game.

Marriage is sacred.  Marriage is supposed to be a LIFE LONG COMMITMENT not just so you can get you some and then leave them if you don't like what you're getting.  For better or for worse.  If you're just going to waste something so intimate and beautiful, don't mess with getting married.  You might as well just stay boyfriend/girlfriend so you can have that break up cheaper and won't be tainting the sacred name of 'marriage.'

I hate saying this but maybe if we legalize gay marriage the successful marriage percent will go up.  I would much rather see two people happy and in love getting married than some kids who just want to have sex.  It's not even just young kids.  I watched my whole life people get married then divorce a year or so later just to date then marry their friend's ex.  In some cases, I understand it and with my own parents I wish for it.  Still my point is marriage has become CHEAP.  What kind of world are we living in?!  You have a kid.  Think about that kid and that poor partner before you decide that oh I like this guy/girl, I think I want to get a divorce so it's ok I can sleep with that person.

I apologize for this.  I've seen at least 50 divorces among people I know and how it affects their kids who just grow up to do the same thing.  A good friend of mine back in high school, her parents were married, had their kids, then divorced, then remarried, then divorced again, then remarried again, then divorced and finally remarried to different people only to divorce them and remarry a couple more times.  Two kids I've known my whole life that are my brother's age just recently divorced.  They have a beautiful kid and that guy could have had any girl he wanted, but he chose her because he loved her.  While he was working to provide for her and their child, she decides its not her cup of tea and now that they're separated, she's loving that she's back on the market and has been on a couple dates with one two guys who knows.  Taking all those sexy pictures of herself and posting them online for her now ex-husband to see all of this.  And what this guys says after all this is all I need is my boy and I'm happy.

I foresaw all of this because that girl her father and mother have each been divorced 3 times a piece.

There's a reason behind why Clint and I have dated so long before getting to where we are today.  We're happy and we work through our problems.  We are by far not perfect.  WE've had our close ones that was almost the deal breaker.  But with some effort from both of us, we've pulled through it all.  We both firmly believe that for a successful marriage, you have to be together for at least a year before being engaged preferably 2 yrs before engaged, have a big fight to see how you handle it, a few small fights, etc.  If you can't survive those fights, then marriage is out of the question.  I guess why all this disturbs me so much is because when it's my big day, I don't want people betting on how long our marriage is going to last because that's how much of a joke marriage has become down there.  I pray that my sister's will last and that she's making all the right commitments.  Not just for her but for this guy who has been head over heels for her since she was 14 and for her little boy and future baby on the way.

So if I overhear anyone betting on how long we're going to last, I will punch you in the face.  Or if you're a guy possibly knee you in the balls.  Again I apologize about this, but take those last two sentences as a promise.    Shows some of the reasons why I had to cut ties with the people I know from back home.  The home that my dad is still mad at me for not wanting to get married there.   Had to say this so I won't do something stupid.  Peace.  Praying for God's will not mine.  That He will continue to rain down blessings on me and I pray for encouragement for Clint in his work situation right now.  Hostile bosses are not fun.  I also pray that my wedding day be what the Lord wants for Clint and I.  And that it doesn't rain on whatever day we end up choosing.  lol  

Also praise the Lord it has almost been a year since my terrible concussion.  I'm so thankful that I'm still alive today.  Still have the occasional headaches, metabolism is getting back to normal (I hit the back of my head where most of the parts are that regulate my metabolism), the swelling there is slowly going away.....more importantly for a long time I wasn't myself due to that accident.  But I'm working my way back, the good ole Trella is coming back.  Thankful to be alive so that I can hopefully marry my best friend (God willing).  Thank you Lord for letting me live and overcome that concussion and post-concussion syndrome.  And please help me to continue to get past all of that, I had a security guard coworker who had the same condition and still has it 9 yrs later.  People don't realize how bad off I really was.  Clint and I both wouldn't let them see it.  I asked for prayers back then but apparently I asked the wrong person.

Anyhow thank you Lord for my life, for my Clint, for everything.

Ideas and such

I hate titles.

Anyhow, Clint and I checked out a possible venue for our wedding in 2013.  Good thing too because that place was booked for every Saturday of this year already.  I love it and he doesn't seem to mind it, just gotta worry about the weather cooperating.  Dearest Lord, I'm just going to start praying for pretty weather for that big day for us.

One of Clint's farmers market friends already offered to do the flowers for us.  I may buy some daffodils to mix into hers because I'm not too sure if she'll have them around that time of year.

I think I'm set on my colors - blue (a dusty blue), yellow and green with other brightly colored highlights for the flowers.  Blue is hard to come by in flowers naturally so I've been looking into blue bridesmaid dresses.  Don't really have any ideas for the guys yet.  Thinking about either grey or tan for them.....  I just have to pick out that right shade of blue I'm going for.  And my bridesmaids....possible bridesman or two....   Clint has his nailed down already.  I was going to have my sister but just found out that she's pregnant with her second child before the first is even 1 yr old.   I told her she would.  That baby will pop out around August - September.  Not to sound awful but I don't want my tattooed up sister with baby weight as a bridesmaid.  She's not too good at losing it.

Let's see....what all I need to do now: wedding dress shopping/trying on, gathering addresses, work with Clint on the invites, decide if we're having a rehearsal dinner deal or not, SAVE $$$, engagement pictures, pick out (or more like ask my friends I've picked) my bridesmaids, start planning the bachorlette party (???), pricing cakes and getting ideas for THE cake, SAVE MORE $$$, table decorations, etc.  I know I'm missing something.  Oh well.

I have an idea for a rehearsal dinner - having a cook-out deal at Clint's or his mom's with just close family and friends.  Causal and the wedding party have the rehearsal and head back together for the causal dinner.   Clint's all for not having one.

Oh - flower girl and ring bearer!  Not too sure about the flower girl, my pick is my little cousin Charlotte who's moving to Guam with her military dad, mom and baby brother.  Ring bearers, yes ring bearerS, will hopefully be Kason (Titus and Kyla's little boy) and my nephew Dayven.  

Ideas for the stuff I don't have figured out are welcomed.

Time to get back to the pile of homework.  Grrrr.....growling at the pile motivates me to hurry through it.