Sunday, March 25, 2012
Friday, March 16, 2012
Viewing family from afar
Just makes me so sad. I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to my mom. I haven't spoken to her on the phone in almost 2 weeks. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom. But when you step back and get a view of the whole picture, you can see truly how it comes together.
I don't know which is worst: my parents still in denial about how handicapped Kevin is, or my mom being in denial about how my dad treats her. I've decided to cut back on talking to my mom because of how she speaks to me. As if we're the same age, or when she tattles on herself saying my daddy's going to hate what she did hehehe. When I'm struggling and I try talking to her about it, she has been here lately brushing it off saying well she's going through the same situation. It's almost as if she's not really my mom anymore, but someone else. It's almost as if she's just trying to keep up with how immature my dad has always acted, or maybe she's filling in that period she missed out on because she was popping out me and my siblings. I love her goofiness, it's where I get it from. I just don't know what to do. Clint has always told me that my mom was slightly manipulative. I guess it's finally becoming more clear. Through talking to her, texting, seeing what she posts on Facebook, it's like watching a very naive teenager realizing I can say what I want on here tehehe.
All I know is it hurts to watch them self-destruct. But it hurts worse to try mending what they don't even realize what's going on. I'm beginning to not really know how to address either of my parents. That's been normal with dad for forever. Mom though, when I try going to my mom to 'cry on her shoulder/have my pity party,' it's her now wanting to cry and not even listen to me. Here lately, all she does is Facebook me or comment on something I post. I understand that she doesn't have that shoulder to cry on with my dad, but the way I've been seeing it, she's laying in the bed she made and not trying to do anything about it. If you are that unhappy, then do something about it instead of cowering and assuming it has to get better. God's not the only one at play here, the devil is always around. Can't assume things are getting better if it just masks the underlying problems.
When I want/need something from my family, I have to perform a circus act or at least it feels like it. I don't want to play games to get affection or anything. 40 dollars for a haircut becomes a crime with my granny and she flat-out stopped talking to me for almost a year. Where is the love in any of it?! They bribe me off when I try bringing up Kevin, Kevin's weight, Kevin's health, and when I won't let them bribe me, I'm turned into the bad guy. Then dad tells Kevin, that he's the man and don't let silly girls boss him around. I don't play games with them, well besides me not talking to them but I don't see this as a game. I'm sitting back and trying to get a better feel of how I feel with how everything is going with them. I'm not happy about any of this at all. But I'm not getting off the phone with mom or dad in tears either. I feel that it has been severely one sided and has been for a while.
Is it too much to ask for parents to actually acknowledge you and love you back? Mom tries. Dad's love is pushing me into random objects, then being mad with I snap. Or picking on me to where I feel so stupid or embarrassed....... No dad an I love you doesn't mean a rolled ankle to me. Nini keeps telling me to just smile and say I love you back. I can't do that. It's like dad's emotionally retarded. The only times he's been able to actually show true love is when we lost Grandpa and Uncle Gene. He was a lot like Grandpa both times. I just don't understand why he doesn't see or realize any of it. I think the most genuine person besides Clint when he tells me he loves me is Kevin. Despite all our issues we're having, he has always been the most genuine in the family. He kinda can't help it because of the autism.
What makes me the saddest in all of this - Clint's family actually cares more for me than my own. When I'm not feeling well (yes my mom does know - I tell her), it's Clint's mom calling to see if I need anything or how I'm feeling. Mom is well I felt worse than that yesterday. I'm incredibly grateful for awesome future in-laws. And I guess I'm being slightly selfish for wanting more than what I have.
It's like my own family doesn't know me anymore. Kelly's learned to deal with what's she's given, bless her heart. Kevin's the easiest to please as long as it involves a new game or gaming system. Is there something with wanting as much consideration and love I put into picking presents for them in return? Sometimes it feels like they don't even want to know me. If I just randomly died, how long would it take for them to realize they haven't heard from me? Minus the fact that Clint or my grandparents would tell them, would they even notice?
Mom's nightmares about us kids is always like this: Kelly dies, Kevin disappears, and I'm always there. Sometimes it's Kevin who dies and Kelly just runs away, but I'm always there. She likes to tell me this quite often. It makes me wonder if the way she treats me is reflected from that assumption I'm always going to be around. Clint and I have talked about this, and he's still amazed that I came from McRae as me. I never fit in down there, and was always reminded/bullied for it. Been talked down to because I didn't fit in. I didn't fit well in Steve's rfcs. I pray that this life group keeps going the way it has. I feel connected to everyone in that group. I felt like I was connecting well once with some of these same people, but then my parents thought it would be convenient to send Kevin up here so I can keep an eye on him. So I had my little mini rebellion and stopped hanging out with the rfcs back then. I refuse to let Kevin take over something that's working well for me again. I don't mind sharing with him, as long as we're on the same level. I'm not his boss and he doesn't feel like I'm about to boss him around. That we act more like siblings, and he's not always so tense when around me. I hate my parents for that. I miss having fun with Kevin, as a sister.
I never saw any of this til I stepped out on my own. I remember growing up thinking well this just must be normal for most families. I remember sneaking outside to pray to the stars that I would be taken far far away from McRae. I didn't know where, nor did I care. I remember the first time I saw some of my rfc friends' families and how they seemed to truly care about each other. I remember it bothering me, but didn't want to think about it. I pushed it back to the back of my mind to try stop thinking about it. Then Clint comes along, and even his grandma with Alzeimers seem to care more than my Granny. I remember Kelly always being compared as the black sheep of the family even before she had her wild days.
The other night when we were at the hospital waiting on Clint's stepdad to come out of surgery how his third cousin treated his mother, Clint's second cousin. All she wanted was a hug before he left, and this is a fully grown guy in his mid 20's rolling his eyes at his mom because she wanted a hug. I roll my eyes at my mom because she says things like no body would miss her or not that things will ever get better for her. She'll say these things while I'm hugging her. Makes me feel inadequate. I've always felt inadequate around my family. While I love my grandparents, if my graduation date has the misfortune of falling on some cemetery decoration day or a high school reunion, that is placed immediately higher. Nini would rather go decorate graves instead of watching Natasha walk this year. Nini would also rather while out visiting family if there's a hog game, it's gotta be on.
I always feel like I'm having to compete for any affection or jump through hoops. Dad threatens to take me out of the will and you know what.....it honestly doesn't bother me anymore. I will be upset yes, but if it's over the petty things that he doesn't approve of, then he's signing himself off on my end of everything as well. He expects me to come begging. This is where I do have pride. I will not beg. When he threatens me with this now, I just say are you sure you want to do that? Because you won't be seeing me. Then there's the 1-2 month silent treatment from him.
None of this is ever going to be normal. I don't necessary want normal either. I want some thought, some courtesy, and some respect. Most of all I want to feel loved by my family. Clint's stepdad cares more for me than my dad. It's so upsetting and numbing at times. I try to not dwell on it. I really really try not to. Is this supposed to be a normal stage in growing up? To grow further away from your family?
It's about a month to when Grandpa died 5 yrs ago. I can't help but wonder, how things would be if he was still around? Would dad be talking to him? Would Kelly have messed with drugs as much as she did? It's hard to imagine how one person could hold a family like ours together. Without Grandpa, Dad thinks he's the alpha male and won't listen to anyone. While I don't always agree with my uncle Craig, he's way more capable at showing some affection. Aunt Renee is being bossed and talked down to by Granny and by Dad and she's the most sensible one out of all of them minus Grandpa.
Sometimes I have dreams where my dad is dead and Clint's is still alive. I feel terrible for admitting it but everyone is happier overall in comparison to reality. When Clint gets sad about losing what he had with his dad and his dad's parents, I feel terrible for him. We've talked about it before, because I tend to get a little upset around when Grandpa passed. He used to say try losing almost one entire side within a year. After talking things out with him, about my childhood about how when I dreamed dad and granny shot them down laughing at me. No one tried holding back his dreams, like they did with me. Grandpa would giggle and laughed with me when I would tell him my dreams. It even became where I was too afraid of being laughed at for dreaming to even talk to him about it. I still struggle admitting my true dreams because of fear. I still struggle with a lot of things. I'm thankful for Clint who with his multitude of patience. He encourages my dreams. Thanks to Clint I finally took school seriously. I can see the exact same thing with Kelly too. She's so reserved about herself, she doesn't let hardly anyone see the true Kelly.
Now yes my childhood is/was better than kids' childhoods in Africa and other bad areas of the world. I don't like being more mature than my own parents. It scares me. I can't always look up to Clint, it's a burden to try living up to a standard. I remember how happy I was to on purpose fail a test and break that high standard I had always be set to. How liberating, how I felt like I wasn't a total mindless idiot just doing anything and everything my parents wanted me to do. Now I may sound like a teenager in this area, but I remember not having any friends because no one in McRae was good enough to be friends with me according to my parents. The only ones they approved of were the guys/hicks dad wanted me to date. Lol he was furious at me for back talking to one of them and when that guy told me my place was in the kitchen like a good little bitch, you betcha I threw my shoes as hard as I could at the back of his head. And he never said anything like that to me again. And yes I was grounded for 6 months. Grandpa giggled and high-fived me when dad wasn't watching.
Time to end this. This slow release of all this on here is just a temporary relief I guess. I know I need help but I'm flat out scared of how people will take what I have to say. I'm still scared about what some of my closer friends think that I did tell this to.
How do I say anything of this to my parents without offending them or sounding higher and mightier than them? I'm sorry mom and dad but I'm tired of being the mature one in this family. You two need to grow up. Is there any nice way of saying this? I won't say anything til something nicer comes to my mind. Clint doesn't understand why i waste my niceness on them anymore. I can't explain it either, I just can't be the mean one, I can't talk down to my mom. I'm scared of what she'll do.
I don't know which is worst: my parents still in denial about how handicapped Kevin is, or my mom being in denial about how my dad treats her. I've decided to cut back on talking to my mom because of how she speaks to me. As if we're the same age, or when she tattles on herself saying my daddy's going to hate what she did hehehe. When I'm struggling and I try talking to her about it, she has been here lately brushing it off saying well she's going through the same situation. It's almost as if she's not really my mom anymore, but someone else. It's almost as if she's just trying to keep up with how immature my dad has always acted, or maybe she's filling in that period she missed out on because she was popping out me and my siblings. I love her goofiness, it's where I get it from. I just don't know what to do. Clint has always told me that my mom was slightly manipulative. I guess it's finally becoming more clear. Through talking to her, texting, seeing what she posts on Facebook, it's like watching a very naive teenager realizing I can say what I want on here tehehe.
All I know is it hurts to watch them self-destruct. But it hurts worse to try mending what they don't even realize what's going on. I'm beginning to not really know how to address either of my parents. That's been normal with dad for forever. Mom though, when I try going to my mom to 'cry on her shoulder/have my pity party,' it's her now wanting to cry and not even listen to me. Here lately, all she does is Facebook me or comment on something I post. I understand that she doesn't have that shoulder to cry on with my dad, but the way I've been seeing it, she's laying in the bed she made and not trying to do anything about it. If you are that unhappy, then do something about it instead of cowering and assuming it has to get better. God's not the only one at play here, the devil is always around. Can't assume things are getting better if it just masks the underlying problems.
When I want/need something from my family, I have to perform a circus act or at least it feels like it. I don't want to play games to get affection or anything. 40 dollars for a haircut becomes a crime with my granny and she flat-out stopped talking to me for almost a year. Where is the love in any of it?! They bribe me off when I try bringing up Kevin, Kevin's weight, Kevin's health, and when I won't let them bribe me, I'm turned into the bad guy. Then dad tells Kevin, that he's the man and don't let silly girls boss him around. I don't play games with them, well besides me not talking to them but I don't see this as a game. I'm sitting back and trying to get a better feel of how I feel with how everything is going with them. I'm not happy about any of this at all. But I'm not getting off the phone with mom or dad in tears either. I feel that it has been severely one sided and has been for a while.
Is it too much to ask for parents to actually acknowledge you and love you back? Mom tries. Dad's love is pushing me into random objects, then being mad with I snap. Or picking on me to where I feel so stupid or embarrassed....... No dad an I love you doesn't mean a rolled ankle to me. Nini keeps telling me to just smile and say I love you back. I can't do that. It's like dad's emotionally retarded. The only times he's been able to actually show true love is when we lost Grandpa and Uncle Gene. He was a lot like Grandpa both times. I just don't understand why he doesn't see or realize any of it. I think the most genuine person besides Clint when he tells me he loves me is Kevin. Despite all our issues we're having, he has always been the most genuine in the family. He kinda can't help it because of the autism.
What makes me the saddest in all of this - Clint's family actually cares more for me than my own. When I'm not feeling well (yes my mom does know - I tell her), it's Clint's mom calling to see if I need anything or how I'm feeling. Mom is well I felt worse than that yesterday. I'm incredibly grateful for awesome future in-laws. And I guess I'm being slightly selfish for wanting more than what I have.
It's like my own family doesn't know me anymore. Kelly's learned to deal with what's she's given, bless her heart. Kevin's the easiest to please as long as it involves a new game or gaming system. Is there something with wanting as much consideration and love I put into picking presents for them in return? Sometimes it feels like they don't even want to know me. If I just randomly died, how long would it take for them to realize they haven't heard from me? Minus the fact that Clint or my grandparents would tell them, would they even notice?
Mom's nightmares about us kids is always like this: Kelly dies, Kevin disappears, and I'm always there. Sometimes it's Kevin who dies and Kelly just runs away, but I'm always there. She likes to tell me this quite often. It makes me wonder if the way she treats me is reflected from that assumption I'm always going to be around. Clint and I have talked about this, and he's still amazed that I came from McRae as me. I never fit in down there, and was always reminded/bullied for it. Been talked down to because I didn't fit in. I didn't fit well in Steve's rfcs. I pray that this life group keeps going the way it has. I feel connected to everyone in that group. I felt like I was connecting well once with some of these same people, but then my parents thought it would be convenient to send Kevin up here so I can keep an eye on him. So I had my little mini rebellion and stopped hanging out with the rfcs back then. I refuse to let Kevin take over something that's working well for me again. I don't mind sharing with him, as long as we're on the same level. I'm not his boss and he doesn't feel like I'm about to boss him around. That we act more like siblings, and he's not always so tense when around me. I hate my parents for that. I miss having fun with Kevin, as a sister.
I never saw any of this til I stepped out on my own. I remember growing up thinking well this just must be normal for most families. I remember sneaking outside to pray to the stars that I would be taken far far away from McRae. I didn't know where, nor did I care. I remember the first time I saw some of my rfc friends' families and how they seemed to truly care about each other. I remember it bothering me, but didn't want to think about it. I pushed it back to the back of my mind to try stop thinking about it. Then Clint comes along, and even his grandma with Alzeimers seem to care more than my Granny. I remember Kelly always being compared as the black sheep of the family even before she had her wild days.
The other night when we were at the hospital waiting on Clint's stepdad to come out of surgery how his third cousin treated his mother, Clint's second cousin. All she wanted was a hug before he left, and this is a fully grown guy in his mid 20's rolling his eyes at his mom because she wanted a hug. I roll my eyes at my mom because she says things like no body would miss her or not that things will ever get better for her. She'll say these things while I'm hugging her. Makes me feel inadequate. I've always felt inadequate around my family. While I love my grandparents, if my graduation date has the misfortune of falling on some cemetery decoration day or a high school reunion, that is placed immediately higher. Nini would rather go decorate graves instead of watching Natasha walk this year. Nini would also rather while out visiting family if there's a hog game, it's gotta be on.
I always feel like I'm having to compete for any affection or jump through hoops. Dad threatens to take me out of the will and you know what.....it honestly doesn't bother me anymore. I will be upset yes, but if it's over the petty things that he doesn't approve of, then he's signing himself off on my end of everything as well. He expects me to come begging. This is where I do have pride. I will not beg. When he threatens me with this now, I just say are you sure you want to do that? Because you won't be seeing me. Then there's the 1-2 month silent treatment from him.
None of this is ever going to be normal. I don't necessary want normal either. I want some thought, some courtesy, and some respect. Most of all I want to feel loved by my family. Clint's stepdad cares more for me than my dad. It's so upsetting and numbing at times. I try to not dwell on it. I really really try not to. Is this supposed to be a normal stage in growing up? To grow further away from your family?
It's about a month to when Grandpa died 5 yrs ago. I can't help but wonder, how things would be if he was still around? Would dad be talking to him? Would Kelly have messed with drugs as much as she did? It's hard to imagine how one person could hold a family like ours together. Without Grandpa, Dad thinks he's the alpha male and won't listen to anyone. While I don't always agree with my uncle Craig, he's way more capable at showing some affection. Aunt Renee is being bossed and talked down to by Granny and by Dad and she's the most sensible one out of all of them minus Grandpa.
Sometimes I have dreams where my dad is dead and Clint's is still alive. I feel terrible for admitting it but everyone is happier overall in comparison to reality. When Clint gets sad about losing what he had with his dad and his dad's parents, I feel terrible for him. We've talked about it before, because I tend to get a little upset around when Grandpa passed. He used to say try losing almost one entire side within a year. After talking things out with him, about my childhood about how when I dreamed dad and granny shot them down laughing at me. No one tried holding back his dreams, like they did with me. Grandpa would giggle and laughed with me when I would tell him my dreams. It even became where I was too afraid of being laughed at for dreaming to even talk to him about it. I still struggle admitting my true dreams because of fear. I still struggle with a lot of things. I'm thankful for Clint who with his multitude of patience. He encourages my dreams. Thanks to Clint I finally took school seriously. I can see the exact same thing with Kelly too. She's so reserved about herself, she doesn't let hardly anyone see the true Kelly.
Now yes my childhood is/was better than kids' childhoods in Africa and other bad areas of the world. I don't like being more mature than my own parents. It scares me. I can't always look up to Clint, it's a burden to try living up to a standard. I remember how happy I was to on purpose fail a test and break that high standard I had always be set to. How liberating, how I felt like I wasn't a total mindless idiot just doing anything and everything my parents wanted me to do. Now I may sound like a teenager in this area, but I remember not having any friends because no one in McRae was good enough to be friends with me according to my parents. The only ones they approved of were the guys/hicks dad wanted me to date. Lol he was furious at me for back talking to one of them and when that guy told me my place was in the kitchen like a good little bitch, you betcha I threw my shoes as hard as I could at the back of his head. And he never said anything like that to me again. And yes I was grounded for 6 months. Grandpa giggled and high-fived me when dad wasn't watching.
Time to end this. This slow release of all this on here is just a temporary relief I guess. I know I need help but I'm flat out scared of how people will take what I have to say. I'm still scared about what some of my closer friends think that I did tell this to.
How do I say anything of this to my parents without offending them or sounding higher and mightier than them? I'm sorry mom and dad but I'm tired of being the mature one in this family. You two need to grow up. Is there any nice way of saying this? I won't say anything til something nicer comes to my mind. Clint doesn't understand why i waste my niceness on them anymore. I can't explain it either, I just can't be the mean one, I can't talk down to my mom. I'm scared of what she'll do.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I am THE WORST PROCRASTINATOR ever. Ugh....it wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't wake up with my knots on the back of my head swollen. I felt like I had a migraine but I knew it wasn't technically one. I woke up around 5 am, and I couldn't move my head hardly at all. I opened my eyes and I really couldn't see anything at all. So Monday was a lazy bum day thanks to my migraine/headache thingy.
What I need to get DONE or WORK ON this week:
- Email progress report to my Vocational Rehab Counselor; also ask for those prescription aid programs (my meds are way too expensive)
- Get an appointment for Bunny to be shaved (her hair is too fine for my clippers)
- Taxes (!!!!!!!!!!) I need my refund now-ish!
- Fill out FAFSA for fall and summer (woopie*sarcasm*)
- Petition up to a new degree plan (from 06 where I need more science to 10-11 where I only lack my major, world lit, one world civ, and stupid adv comp CLEP)
- Meeting with CEA this Wednesday, fingers crossed that it will actually help
- Ignite Building Event Calendar meeting (yay!)
- Trying on my cousin's Casablanca Couture dress (really hope it fits, that it's my style, and I look hot in it lol)
- Cleaning/laundry etc BLAH
- Cancelling my cable and possibly internet with Cox (internet only if they try talking me into cable again)
- Work harder on trying to sell my car (yes the new one - can't afford it)
- Start looking for a job :'( I hate being poor
- Meet with my adviser about my German degree and what minors or majors I should be trying to pair with it? Very nervous about my GPA and trying to get into a masters program. Minor in French or Spanish or both? International relations - does that mean more business classes?
- Study abroad? Spring or Summer? Depends on dates and $
- Possibly change my graduation date based on all the above :'(
- Talk to mom and dad about Kevin - I CANNOT support him. If he's not going to find a job or if mom and dad doesn't care, then he needs to move home. And I'll need to find a new roommate/apartment. Sigh
- Talk to Janet about what flowers she'll have/be in season around the wedding date (ALMOST got it nailed down)
- Go ahead and cake taste at Shelby Lynn's with the cake lady Jennifer, see if she'll do a nice 'dirt cake' for Clint's groomsman cake lol
- Pay deposit and nail down wedding date this Sunday EEEEK!! :-)
- Possibly beg for money from my grandparents. I always feel so slimmy when I do do that. I hate it.
- Write down all the prices I have been accumulating and nail down a more definite wedding budget
- Work with Clint on Kelly's wedding announcements; colors lavender/lilac, orange (tiger lilies), silver(??), green(??); Patterning them similar to Nini&Pop-pop's 50th anniversary invites I think
- SAVE $$$$$$$$$:
~my wedding in general
~my bridesmaid dress for Melinda :-)
~study abroad (a MUST to get into grad school - no if's, and's or but's)
~possibly cheaper car?
There's something I'm forgetting. Oh well. I can always edit it. Note pads and my calendar on my phone work much better for me than planners. Planners are a waste of money for me because I always forget about them.
What's coming up in March: (IMPORTANT)
~ Friday 6th: Ignite Bon Fire
~ Sunday 11th: Kevin's Birthday
12:45pm Appointment @ St Catherine's to book our wedding date (put down deposit)
IGNITE Lifegroup meeting at Gully Park around 3-3:30pm
~ Friday 16th(?): MIDTERM for World Civ 1; Get out for Spring Break
~ March 18th -24th: SPRING BREAK
~ Thursday 22nd: Overdue Hair appointment @ 3pm
~ Friday 23rd: Eye doctor appt IN SEARCY @ 3pm
Possible rehearsal dinner for Kelly's wedding??
~ Saturday 24th: My baby sister's wedding - don't have a clue where yet or what time
Again forgetting something....
Now that I typed this all out it seems a lot less overwhelming. I still need to work up the nerve to speak to Nathan either on my own or with a good friend holding my hand. I need to work up the nerve to have 'the talk' with my parents, but I want some good 3rd party (sincere with no interest in this) advice before I do. I was thinking a counselor counselor, need to check out the counseling center at the healthcenter on campus, and I was thinking of a spiritual church figure - Nathan, Wendell, some elder or deacon who I somewhat talk to. I want to be honest and get this bitterness out of me in the least hurtful way to my parents as possible....I think that's the real reason why I haven't been able to do it yet. I don't want to hurt them because despite our messed-up relationship I still love them.
Anyhow, this was to clear my mind so I can do this task set before me and study for my oral midterm. PRAY FOR ME!!! My mind has been in what seems hundreds of different directions, and I can't focus, I can't sit still even without sleep still fidgeting, and that blasted headache sure was a great hindrance with perfect timing. Let's get a stupid painful headache the day of a paper due, two quizzes, and the day before an oral midterm in German. Praying to be a better encouragement to Clint and his job-search. I know it's tough finding them now and I'm trying so hard to keep his spirits up. But I'm starting to feel very thinly spread out again with no Trella time or no relaxing time. Between money problems, Kevin, school, trying to sell my car, my future in school, wedding planning/pricing/shopping, giving my sister moral support and encouragement for her wedding/next baby, being an encouragement to Clint, and even in starting up this Ignite group - it's a little much for my poor nerves. Not saying that I am not enjoying most of all that, or that I mind. The money and Kevin being solved/taken care of would make everything else so much more doable and less intimidating. I would love nothing more than to pay for the perfect wedding for my sister. She deserves it. She's been freaking about what's going to happen once Dad and Granny see who's marrying her and DJ - tattooed guy that will be playing the guitar. It's going to be priceless but I pray that Dad and Granny can behave and realize it's not about them and what they want. It's KELLY's and DJ's day, nobody else's well except for Dayven. For my rehearsal dinner, I wanted a causal backyard cookout at either Clint's mom's or Mitch's with maybe a band and most definitely with some sort of alcohol and dancing. I want to invite my family, and the only two who would come that would have a big problem with all that is my Dad and my Granny. Shoot I don't even know if Granny will come since I'm not having it in McRae. I really want a happy day for my wedding. It seems impossible when you throw in dad and granny though, unless you do everything their way. Not happening. Praying for just about anything in the possible light for mine and Clint's big day.
This is the other half that I need to work up the nerve to talk to my parents about. The other half is Kevin. Clint says I'm all talk right now about this and wants it resolved. I want to be sure that I'm mentally and emotionally prepared for this discussion in case of the worst. I really wish Grandpa was still here, it would make life so much easier. He would soothe Granny and guilt Dad into behaving.
So onto studying Deutsch!! Ich bin sehr nervös über meine mündliche Zwischenprüfung!!!
What I need to get DONE or WORK ON this week:
- Email progress report to my Vocational Rehab Counselor; also ask for those prescription aid programs (my meds are way too expensive)
- Get an appointment for Bunny to be shaved (her hair is too fine for my clippers)
- Taxes (!!!!!!!!!!) I need my refund now-ish!
- Fill out FAFSA for fall and summer (woopie*sarcasm*)
- Petition up to a new degree plan (from 06 where I need more science to 10-11 where I only lack my major, world lit, one world civ, and stupid adv comp CLEP)
- Meeting with CEA this Wednesday, fingers crossed that it will actually help
- Ignite Building Event Calendar meeting (yay!)
- Trying on my cousin's Casablanca Couture dress (really hope it fits, that it's my style, and I look hot in it lol)
- Cleaning/laundry etc BLAH
- Cancelling my cable and possibly internet with Cox (internet only if they try talking me into cable again)
- Work harder on trying to sell my car (yes the new one - can't afford it)
- Start looking for a job :'( I hate being poor
- Meet with my adviser about my German degree and what minors or majors I should be trying to pair with it? Very nervous about my GPA and trying to get into a masters program. Minor in French or Spanish or both? International relations - does that mean more business classes?
- Study abroad? Spring or Summer? Depends on dates and $
- Possibly change my graduation date based on all the above :'(
- Talk to mom and dad about Kevin - I CANNOT support him. If he's not going to find a job or if mom and dad doesn't care, then he needs to move home. And I'll need to find a new roommate/apartment. Sigh
- Talk to Janet about what flowers she'll have/be in season around the wedding date (ALMOST got it nailed down)
- Go ahead and cake taste at Shelby Lynn's with the cake lady Jennifer, see if she'll do a nice 'dirt cake' for Clint's groomsman cake lol
- Pay deposit and nail down wedding date this Sunday EEEEK!! :-)
- Possibly beg for money from my grandparents. I always feel so slimmy when I do do that. I hate it.
- Write down all the prices I have been accumulating and nail down a more definite wedding budget
- Work with Clint on Kelly's wedding announcements; colors lavender/lilac, orange (tiger lilies), silver(??), green(??); Patterning them similar to Nini&Pop-pop's 50th anniversary invites I think
- SAVE $$$$$$$$$:
~my wedding in general
~my bridesmaid dress for Melinda :-)
~study abroad (a MUST to get into grad school - no if's, and's or but's)
~possibly cheaper car?
There's something I'm forgetting. Oh well. I can always edit it. Note pads and my calendar on my phone work much better for me than planners. Planners are a waste of money for me because I always forget about them.
What's coming up in March: (IMPORTANT)
~ Friday 6th: Ignite Bon Fire
~ Sunday 11th: Kevin's Birthday
12:45pm Appointment @ St Catherine's to book our wedding date (put down deposit)
IGNITE Lifegroup meeting at Gully Park around 3-3:30pm
~ Friday 16th(?): MIDTERM for World Civ 1; Get out for Spring Break
~ March 18th -24th: SPRING BREAK
~ Thursday 22nd: Overdue Hair appointment @ 3pm
~ Friday 23rd: Eye doctor appt IN SEARCY @ 3pm
Possible rehearsal dinner for Kelly's wedding??
~ Saturday 24th: My baby sister's wedding - don't have a clue where yet or what time
Again forgetting something....
Now that I typed this all out it seems a lot less overwhelming. I still need to work up the nerve to speak to Nathan either on my own or with a good friend holding my hand. I need to work up the nerve to have 'the talk' with my parents, but I want some good 3rd party (sincere with no interest in this) advice before I do. I was thinking a counselor counselor, need to check out the counseling center at the healthcenter on campus, and I was thinking of a spiritual church figure - Nathan, Wendell, some elder or deacon who I somewhat talk to. I want to be honest and get this bitterness out of me in the least hurtful way to my parents as possible....I think that's the real reason why I haven't been able to do it yet. I don't want to hurt them because despite our messed-up relationship I still love them.
Anyhow, this was to clear my mind so I can do this task set before me and study for my oral midterm. PRAY FOR ME!!! My mind has been in what seems hundreds of different directions, and I can't focus, I can't sit still even without sleep still fidgeting, and that blasted headache sure was a great hindrance with perfect timing. Let's get a stupid painful headache the day of a paper due, two quizzes, and the day before an oral midterm in German. Praying to be a better encouragement to Clint and his job-search. I know it's tough finding them now and I'm trying so hard to keep his spirits up. But I'm starting to feel very thinly spread out again with no Trella time or no relaxing time. Between money problems, Kevin, school, trying to sell my car, my future in school, wedding planning/pricing/shopping, giving my sister moral support and encouragement for her wedding/next baby, being an encouragement to Clint, and even in starting up this Ignite group - it's a little much for my poor nerves. Not saying that I am not enjoying most of all that, or that I mind. The money and Kevin being solved/taken care of would make everything else so much more doable and less intimidating. I would love nothing more than to pay for the perfect wedding for my sister. She deserves it. She's been freaking about what's going to happen once Dad and Granny see who's marrying her and DJ - tattooed guy that will be playing the guitar. It's going to be priceless but I pray that Dad and Granny can behave and realize it's not about them and what they want. It's KELLY's and DJ's day, nobody else's well except for Dayven. For my rehearsal dinner, I wanted a causal backyard cookout at either Clint's mom's or Mitch's with maybe a band and most definitely with some sort of alcohol and dancing. I want to invite my family, and the only two who would come that would have a big problem with all that is my Dad and my Granny. Shoot I don't even know if Granny will come since I'm not having it in McRae. I really want a happy day for my wedding. It seems impossible when you throw in dad and granny though, unless you do everything their way. Not happening. Praying for just about anything in the possible light for mine and Clint's big day.
This is the other half that I need to work up the nerve to talk to my parents about. The other half is Kevin. Clint says I'm all talk right now about this and wants it resolved. I want to be sure that I'm mentally and emotionally prepared for this discussion in case of the worst. I really wish Grandpa was still here, it would make life so much easier. He would soothe Granny and guilt Dad into behaving.
So onto studying Deutsch!! Ich bin sehr nervös über meine mündliche Zwischenprüfung!!!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Tired of walking on eggshells.....
I am being jibed on my life and education by taking care of Kevin for my parents. I'm so tired of being the 'parent' for Kevin so they can spoil him rotten. I'm so tired of acting like everything's ok - it's not. It hasn't been in a long time. I'm so tired of my troubles being belittled while Kevin is pampered and babied. Yes I understand he's different, but this pampering and babying is doing him more damage than good. Yet I am the only one in my immediate family who sees it. Clint and I do not want to take care of Kevin, we want to try be a happily married couple when the time comes. I'm tired of worrying about Kevin when I am not his mother, I am his sister. I want him to actually like me and want to be around me, not cringed and griped when I ask him to do his dishes or laundry. I'm just so tired of how my parents treat me. It's not normal, it's not healthy, and it's just not fair. I'm sorry if this seems a lot of 'poor me' whining, but until you have been in my shoes, you cannot and will not ever know how drained and stressed I am and have been.
I want to be excited someday about having kids. I don't want the fear of having a kid a lot like Kevin instilled
into me permanently. I do want to be a mother someday. I want to enjoy being around my brother like I used to. Even in childhood and teen years, I was still his 'mom.' Mom has been sick, and in and out of hospitals and had a bad run of luck and works full time while going to school full time, and above all puts up with my dad. The thing that prevents her from being a hero to look up to is she's a defeatist. Doesn't see anything better for her, can't see a life without my dad, it's like she doesn't have the will to live. It hurts to hear her talk like she's no good and worthless, and how she talks about just sleeping through the storm because if the bad weather carried her off, everybody would be better off and she would be happy. I want to yell at her for being so selfish, for just laying over and doing nothing to better herself or her situation. I used to feel sorry for her. I used to feel sorry for myself and Kevin and Kelly. Guess what folks I don't really anymore. I am sad about how our childhood went down and how messed up we all are. I'm sad that my sister had to have a kid early and deal with all the judgement and crap my 'Christian' family gave her. BUT unlike my mom and brother, I will not roll over anymore and just take it. That's why I have always admired my sister and used to be so jealous of her. She didn't put up with any of the crap, she struggled and fought her way to find herself. I admire my sister more than my mom now because I have more faith in her to be there for me when times are tough. I have a lot of courage to work up to say all this to my parents when the time comes for me to tell them, hey here's your son back. Your turn.
If it weren't for Clint (and my friends), I would run away from everything and never look back. Just run away....maybe explore the world, preferably just disappear. To be just responsible for myself and my love, how wonderful it's going to be.
I am here too. Yes I am still one of your children, if you're going to baby one, baby them all. My cares and struggles have worth and deserve your time of day instead of being dismissed. Yes I do need the real world broken to me occasionally, but I have been out in the real world on my own now for a while and I can see so much more clearly. God, Lord please help me. I'm so thankful to have the strength to be without true parents who care and give a damn. But please why can't I have parents who care instead of tattling on each other to me like I'm their parent? Thank you so so much for Clint and my amazing friends who are true friends to me. I would be so lost without them.
I want to be excited someday about having kids. I don't want the fear of having a kid a lot like Kevin instilled
into me permanently. I do want to be a mother someday. I want to enjoy being around my brother like I used to. Even in childhood and teen years, I was still his 'mom.' Mom has been sick, and in and out of hospitals and had a bad run of luck and works full time while going to school full time, and above all puts up with my dad. The thing that prevents her from being a hero to look up to is she's a defeatist. Doesn't see anything better for her, can't see a life without my dad, it's like she doesn't have the will to live. It hurts to hear her talk like she's no good and worthless, and how she talks about just sleeping through the storm because if the bad weather carried her off, everybody would be better off and she would be happy. I want to yell at her for being so selfish, for just laying over and doing nothing to better herself or her situation. I used to feel sorry for her. I used to feel sorry for myself and Kevin and Kelly. Guess what folks I don't really anymore. I am sad about how our childhood went down and how messed up we all are. I'm sad that my sister had to have a kid early and deal with all the judgement and crap my 'Christian' family gave her. BUT unlike my mom and brother, I will not roll over anymore and just take it. That's why I have always admired my sister and used to be so jealous of her. She didn't put up with any of the crap, she struggled and fought her way to find herself. I admire my sister more than my mom now because I have more faith in her to be there for me when times are tough. I have a lot of courage to work up to say all this to my parents when the time comes for me to tell them, hey here's your son back. Your turn.
If it weren't for Clint (and my friends), I would run away from everything and never look back. Just run away....maybe explore the world, preferably just disappear. To be just responsible for myself and my love, how wonderful it's going to be.
I am here too. Yes I am still one of your children, if you're going to baby one, baby them all. My cares and struggles have worth and deserve your time of day instead of being dismissed. Yes I do need the real world broken to me occasionally, but I have been out in the real world on my own now for a while and I can see so much more clearly. God, Lord please help me. I'm so thankful to have the strength to be without true parents who care and give a damn. But please why can't I have parents who care instead of tattling on each other to me like I'm their parent? Thank you so so much for Clint and my amazing friends who are true friends to me. I would be so lost without them.
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