Gotta take the good with the bad, I guess. Like our wonderful Hog victory and us being 3rd in the BCS, and now dealing with the loss of one of our razorback football players. And like me having a good weekend and staying caught up on my homework to catch my face on fire while trying to light up the grill for Clint.
I am VERY thankful I didn't lose my eyebrows and eyelashes, and that my hair did not catch on fire. Singed my eyelashes to a normal length - SAD face, my eyebrows to where I have to trim the ends off with one uneven - SAD face, and my crazy frizzies which wasn't as bad as the eyebrows and eyelashes. I completely freaked out when I saw that the tips of my eyelashes and eyebrows were burned light red-brown and curled. Me crying probably saved my burned eyeball. Still a little sore but the contact saved it from most of the heat/flame.
I cannot wait to be in a turkey coma!!! Clint and I are making the turkey for his mom's thanksgiving on Friday. WPS beat LSWho?!! Thursday will be with my grandparents, odd little cousins from Texas, aunt, uncle, and hopefully my family. Poor Clint....lol.....and poor Phebe.......both will be endlessly tortured by my odd little cousins.
Praying for OSU and Hog fans...both teams have suffered great losses this week in the midst of the season winding up. OSU two women's basketball coaches and razorback redshirt football player Garrett Uekman. I hope that his death was an accident and not a scandal like alcohol poisoning. Very thankful for having both eyebrows, sets of eyelashes and eyes right now. Now time to finish tackling French and German homework and studying for finance.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Finally some GOOD news :-)
There is ALWAYS something good around the corner especially when everything else has been pretty bad and rough.
About time!!! I finished the remaining circus hoops after receiving the excellent wonderful news and I should be getting my loan money Tuesday. Woohooooo!!!!!
Yesterday was still rough but I guess that's life. Car issues revolving around what to do with my BMW, what I can/can't afford, and what my dad, pop-pop and Clint think I need and all three are trying to help me - IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE. Dad has no regard of my budget and will probably try getting me what he thinks I need. Pop-pop, bless his soul, wanted to buy me a 1999 Buick Lesabre for 3,000, which is a grandma car, terrible on gas and probably has been wrecked. I want to avoid expensive auto-mechanic bills, not get more. Clint's the practical one about what I should get, but he constantly steams about it and gets mad at me when I choose getting school work done instead of dwelling on a topic that I cannot resolve at that given time.
Things will be more doable when I get my loan money and hear back from vocational rehabilitation. Until then I have to assume I can only if barely afford a 100-200 monthly car payment. I had found a great used car but thanks to my dad and lack of funding it is gone.
Mitch renewed his tags and put up-to-date insurance in his truck, so I can borrow it til I find something without worrying about more ticket drama. Not sure if I want to borrow it now though....I'm just ready to find something for myself.
After dealing with all the car drama/crap, my good friend Drew came along and started talking to me about the Tony Collins Memorial fund and what tree he had picked out for it. I don't remember what tree it was but it was very fitting for Tony. As we were looking at pictures of the tree and talking about it's qualities, two other guys in the same room wanted to know what the tree was for. I responded for the Tony Collins Memorial. The newer guy, freshman I believe, flat-out asked me um why do you care? I said that he was my first friend here. Then I lost all control over my emotions, jumped up and started hastily gathering up my stuff from the other room, crying all the while. He came in and apologized but basically I don't blame him for saying what he said. What he said broke my heart and hit it dead on with why I just haven't been active as a Christian. It's hard to explain, but I feel guilty for not being there more for him, guilty for trying to act like everything is going to be ok. Tony was one of my very first friends I made here when I moved up here. We lost contact with each when he became more active in band and when I was struggling with school and deaths of loved ones. Then I met Clint and well once you meet your significant other you tend to disappear. When he was diagnosed with the tumors, I visited him and talked to him via Facebook and texts. Once things started to get bad, I couldn't handle watching him suffer. It was like my grandpa all over again. Both were optimistic and praising God throughout both of their ordeals. Tony and my grandpa had all the qualities I strive to be like as a Christians and overall great men of faith. I respect both equally and look up them. Grandpa is a little higher than Tony but that's because I grew thinking of Grandpa as my hero when things were bad.
It's kinda funny that when I think about it, Tony, Grandpa, Mrs Kassaundra, Nan-nan and Mr Tommy were all very similar. All were kind, strong in faith, not quick to anger, humorous....best of all not judgmental. Mr Tommy was a little louder, Mrs Kassaundra and Grandpa a little more quieter, yet I could see in them that Christian light that we're all supposed to have within us. Their lights were the brightest of all. Staci had that light in her as well, she just took a different path to find it. I try my best to set my Christian goals for myself based on these fine examples of Christian faith that I was blessed to witness and experience first hand.
Stephanie invited me to come to prayer group too saying that I had a lot of prayer requests and praises. I felt terrible for telling her that I couldn't come, I had to study for my test because I needed to ace it. And then there's that little thing called a car which I currently don't have a functioning one at the moment. When I think about receiving pray, I feel guilty for asking and receiving it. I know that I shouldn't but I guess that's the prideful Smith raising I received showing. I feel like I'm showing that yet again I'm a disappointment for not being more able to handle my life. I know that I'm supposed to turn everything over to God and that receiving prayers is a wonderful encouragement and blessing.
I am going to apologize now for having lengthy frequent posts. Imagine what else is going on in my head that I'm not telling you about though. I've decided to try finding a publicist willing to see me about writing my life story. I also decided that I would change my name for the author and the names of those in my life story so I won't hurt anybody with what I write. I also don't want to anger the people who have hurt me by acknowledging that they were the ones to do this to me. I need to build a healthy relationship with my dad. If I write about him in this whatsoever, a lot of it will tick him off at me and I will be written out of the will and kicked out of the family. I don't want my mom forbidden to talk or see me. But yes, I think i need to share my story, so that others like me will know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just gotta keeping pushing as hard as you can to reach it.
I
WON
MY
APPEAL
!!!!!!!
About time!!! I finished the remaining circus hoops after receiving the excellent wonderful news and I should be getting my loan money Tuesday. Woohooooo!!!!!
Yesterday was still rough but I guess that's life. Car issues revolving around what to do with my BMW, what I can/can't afford, and what my dad, pop-pop and Clint think I need and all three are trying to help me - IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE. Dad has no regard of my budget and will probably try getting me what he thinks I need. Pop-pop, bless his soul, wanted to buy me a 1999 Buick Lesabre for 3,000, which is a grandma car, terrible on gas and probably has been wrecked. I want to avoid expensive auto-mechanic bills, not get more. Clint's the practical one about what I should get, but he constantly steams about it and gets mad at me when I choose getting school work done instead of dwelling on a topic that I cannot resolve at that given time.
Things will be more doable when I get my loan money and hear back from vocational rehabilitation. Until then I have to assume I can only if barely afford a 100-200 monthly car payment. I had found a great used car but thanks to my dad and lack of funding it is gone.
Mitch renewed his tags and put up-to-date insurance in his truck, so I can borrow it til I find something without worrying about more ticket drama. Not sure if I want to borrow it now though....I'm just ready to find something for myself.
After dealing with all the car drama/crap, my good friend Drew came along and started talking to me about the Tony Collins Memorial fund and what tree he had picked out for it. I don't remember what tree it was but it was very fitting for Tony. As we were looking at pictures of the tree and talking about it's qualities, two other guys in the same room wanted to know what the tree was for. I responded for the Tony Collins Memorial. The newer guy, freshman I believe, flat-out asked me um why do you care? I said that he was my first friend here. Then I lost all control over my emotions, jumped up and started hastily gathering up my stuff from the other room, crying all the while. He came in and apologized but basically I don't blame him for saying what he said. What he said broke my heart and hit it dead on with why I just haven't been active as a Christian. It's hard to explain, but I feel guilty for not being there more for him, guilty for trying to act like everything is going to be ok. Tony was one of my very first friends I made here when I moved up here. We lost contact with each when he became more active in band and when I was struggling with school and deaths of loved ones. Then I met Clint and well once you meet your significant other you tend to disappear. When he was diagnosed with the tumors, I visited him and talked to him via Facebook and texts. Once things started to get bad, I couldn't handle watching him suffer. It was like my grandpa all over again. Both were optimistic and praising God throughout both of their ordeals. Tony and my grandpa had all the qualities I strive to be like as a Christians and overall great men of faith. I respect both equally and look up them. Grandpa is a little higher than Tony but that's because I grew thinking of Grandpa as my hero when things were bad.
It's kinda funny that when I think about it, Tony, Grandpa, Mrs Kassaundra, Nan-nan and Mr Tommy were all very similar. All were kind, strong in faith, not quick to anger, humorous....best of all not judgmental. Mr Tommy was a little louder, Mrs Kassaundra and Grandpa a little more quieter, yet I could see in them that Christian light that we're all supposed to have within us. Their lights were the brightest of all. Staci had that light in her as well, she just took a different path to find it. I try my best to set my Christian goals for myself based on these fine examples of Christian faith that I was blessed to witness and experience first hand.
Stephanie invited me to come to prayer group too saying that I had a lot of prayer requests and praises. I felt terrible for telling her that I couldn't come, I had to study for my test because I needed to ace it. And then there's that little thing called a car which I currently don't have a functioning one at the moment. When I think about receiving pray, I feel guilty for asking and receiving it. I know that I shouldn't but I guess that's the prideful Smith raising I received showing. I feel like I'm showing that yet again I'm a disappointment for not being more able to handle my life. I know that I'm supposed to turn everything over to God and that receiving prayers is a wonderful encouragement and blessing.
I am going to apologize now for having lengthy frequent posts. Imagine what else is going on in my head that I'm not telling you about though. I've decided to try finding a publicist willing to see me about writing my life story. I also decided that I would change my name for the author and the names of those in my life story so I won't hurt anybody with what I write. I also don't want to anger the people who have hurt me by acknowledging that they were the ones to do this to me. I need to build a healthy relationship with my dad. If I write about him in this whatsoever, a lot of it will tick him off at me and I will be written out of the will and kicked out of the family. I don't want my mom forbidden to talk or see me. But yes, I think i need to share my story, so that others like me will know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You just gotta keeping pushing as hard as you can to reach it.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Blah what stinkin luck
I have come to the conclusion that I just have some bad luck. Right after that last post, I was on my way to school in Mitch's truck and I was pulled over by a cop for expired tags. I tried explaining that this isn't my vehicle, mine is broken down and I'm just borrowing this to get to school. The cop was a complete dick and kept on script. Not only was the tags expired, but there was no current insurance in the truck either. So I was slapped with a 145 dollar ticket for the expired tags of Mitch's truck and a MUST APPEAR court date for having "no valid/current insurance." Thank you Mitch. You royally screwed me by being your typical careless self. I offered the cop my birthday money which happens to be exactly 145 dollars saying hey ya go this is my birthday money that I just got yesterday that I was going to use for groceries. I hope he sleeps terrible at night for the way he spoke down to me. Uncalled for and very not gentleman like which I guess what society is heading for.
Just finished my French oral exam. I was almost ran over by a sorority girl while I was crossing at a crosswalk. Then I almost had two other vehicles back into me. When I got to the exam, I have difficulty understanding the girl giving the oral exam over the other people giving/taking the same oral exam in the same room. I had to ask her to repeat please several times and broke out of french to say I'm terribly sorry but I have severe ADHD and je ne comprende de pas.
I hope I at least got a B on it or I'm going to be terribly disappointed. Right now I should be calling this dude at the Subaru lot about that car I'm interested in. Also have to call my dad about the whole car situation since my mom told him about it. He just wants to get the BMW fixed and I'm so sick and tired of worrying when it's going to break down on me next that I told him no I just want something reliable and cheap. And preferably awd.
After my oral exam, I had my follow-up appointment from that asthma attack I had last Friday. On my way there I was clipped by a bicycler. Clint said it must be ginger season. lol....
Now I just want to have a nice relaxing evening with Clint. Watch Captain America and the new South Park episode. Just not worry about my other tests until tomorrow. Get my French homework and that will be all that I touch in regards to homework tonight. My nerves are too shot to thinking clearly.
It is so very hard to give praise to God after a terrible week. I'm struggling with it and struggling to remember how blessed I am. Then I think of Clint, my mom, my dog, cats, and all my wonderful friends and I can make myself get out of bed. Been on the very depressed side, waiting for my aid to be approved and awarded, watching what little money I have while I try to do my best in school so I will be eligible for my financial aid and show them that I am a good student. Now if I can just have a little good luck, I think I can make it. God willing, I hope I can. Trying to keep the attitude, I'm going to show them what this redhead is capable of! I am not a quitter. I will die trying before i give up, literally. I just want to get through school and get a good job so Clint and I can move out of this stage in life.
Just finished my French oral exam. I was almost ran over by a sorority girl while I was crossing at a crosswalk. Then I almost had two other vehicles back into me. When I got to the exam, I have difficulty understanding the girl giving the oral exam over the other people giving/taking the same oral exam in the same room. I had to ask her to repeat please several times and broke out of french to say I'm terribly sorry but I have severe ADHD and je ne comprende de pas.
I hope I at least got a B on it or I'm going to be terribly disappointed. Right now I should be calling this dude at the Subaru lot about that car I'm interested in. Also have to call my dad about the whole car situation since my mom told him about it. He just wants to get the BMW fixed and I'm so sick and tired of worrying when it's going to break down on me next that I told him no I just want something reliable and cheap. And preferably awd.
After my oral exam, I had my follow-up appointment from that asthma attack I had last Friday. On my way there I was clipped by a bicycler. Clint said it must be ginger season. lol....
Now I just want to have a nice relaxing evening with Clint. Watch Captain America and the new South Park episode. Just not worry about my other tests until tomorrow. Get my French homework and that will be all that I touch in regards to homework tonight. My nerves are too shot to thinking clearly.
It is so very hard to give praise to God after a terrible week. I'm struggling with it and struggling to remember how blessed I am. Then I think of Clint, my mom, my dog, cats, and all my wonderful friends and I can make myself get out of bed. Been on the very depressed side, waiting for my aid to be approved and awarded, watching what little money I have while I try to do my best in school so I will be eligible for my financial aid and show them that I am a good student. Now if I can just have a little good luck, I think I can make it. God willing, I hope I can. Trying to keep the attitude, I'm going to show them what this redhead is capable of! I am not a quitter. I will die trying before i give up, literally. I just want to get through school and get a good job so Clint and I can move out of this stage in life.
Monday, November 14, 2011
Birthdays!!
Now is as good of time as any I guess. I hate all-nighters.
Saturday was Clint's and my birthday. He's exactly 2 yrs and 2hrs older than me. I just turned 25 and he turned 27. He complains about being old. Lol...I really don't feel that much different than I did 2-5 yrs ago other than asthma being worse and aftermath of concussion.
So Friday I was walking to my French class and I was running a little late. Dry cold air makes breathing for me hard and my asthma tends to flare up. So by the time I got to the Greek Theater, I was slightly wheezing. Then there was landscapers out doing what they're paid to do - mow grass. Having a severe grass allergy I think is just as bad as being allergic to calcium or sunlight. By the time I made it to the business building I was seeing lights and coughing. My class had relocated to Einsteins so I just went to the bathroom and collapsed looking frantically for my inhaler. Puffed on it 3 times and continue to sit in the floor as I started getting air in me and my consciousness came back. Some Asian girls came in and just looked at me funny while I was wheezing. I think I sat there for like 20 min before I hauled my butt up off the bathroom floor. I then walked all the way to Pat Walker Health Center. I tried catching some university work trucks/carts to hitch a ride but I couldn't run so I missed them. By the time I made it to the health center all I could do was show them my id and my inhaler and point at my chest wheezing and hyperventilating. They rushed me in and sat me down. My pulse was everywhere hitting at 191/130 for the high. I just handed them my wallet and tried to control my breathing. I then was given the liquid albuterol to inhale thru the "cool smoky pipe thingy" as I call it. I then when I was able had to explain what triggered it and about my grass/hayfever allergy.
I was held in observation for the rest of the morning to make sure I got back to 100% breathing. I came in at 20%, had the pipe thingy, then blew at 40%. They waited to check it again about 30 min later and I was at 50%-80%. So I got another dose of the smoky pipe. Then I had to wait another half hour before I reached 100%. They checked it at 15 min intervals and gave me the device to keep to check my breathing at home. Also got a new prescription for my inhaler and a new medicine routine. I also since I scared them so bad have to have a follow up appointment. Ugh.... So that was the day before my birthday. Clint and I went to go looking for me a car when he got off work and then had Thai for din-din.
Saturday we woke up late, had french toast and coffee, and I took my time getting ready. We started off going to the square to try the Bliss Cupcake place and did some window shopping around the little shops there. Found a cool store called the Himalayan Mountainwear Clothing. All of it was hand made and either of wool or cotton material. Found Clint a possible Xmas present and got me a small bday present of fingerless gloves. They're more like sleeves. We then went back to my apartment and used matches as candles for our cupcakes.
Did a little more shopping more of checking out new stores in the area, then we decided on bowling. It worked out perfectly!! We played 3 games of bowling during the 1st half of the Hog game that we were ABLE to watch AT the bowling alley!! Clint won 2 out of the 3 but I killed him in the middle game. I had 4 strikes and 6 spares for all the games together. We then tried going to Cable Car Pizza but they didn't have the hog game on so we went up to Mojito's instead. Ordered a huge 44oz frozen strawberry margarita for us to share and watched the 2nd half of the hog game. It was a great fun day!!
Sunday we were going to go up to Joe and Shea's but Clint's mom when she said dinner she meant lunch so we had to cancel on them.. :-( It was his family and my grandparents. Had some yummy roast angus beef from his cousins' farm and a bunch of veggies and salad. I had to blow out the candles on our cake and brownies because Clint woke up feeling sicky. We played outside with the "toys," 4-wheeler, '78 Toyota Land Cruiser, a huge Star cruiser and a little bitty Honda bike. I tried riding the little bike and wouldn't ya know it the throttle got stuck on me when I was taking off. Scared poor Clint who was hanging on the back of it intending to steady me but was dragged along instead. We both got some good birthday cards and much needed money. We then were both feeling punny and decided it was time to go back to his place.
Now I have pulled an all-nighter for German homework, French homework and a German essay that I had to find a website for. Ugh. I ended up looking up Churches of Christ in Germany and used a church's website. Lol let's hope it works. Otherwise I may have to rewrite it. Now time to tackle getting ready for school and studying for my French oral exam on Wednesday!!! Stressed, wound-up tired and sore.....
I am also very disappointed that the two people who I always tell happy birthday to and give them nice presents completely FORGOT my birthday. I mean I have known them both their own lives. I took care of them growing up. Yes you guessed it - my brother and sister forgot my birthday!! Kevin at least has a decent excuse - his new program has him so stressed out right now. I know that's why he forgot. And he has a chance to redeem himself tomorrow night for pizza with Nini and Pop-pop. Kelly on the other hand I have done everything I could to ease Dad off of her during her pregnancy. I consoled her when Dad said terrible things to her and got her nice stuff for the baby. Nada ziltch! She's too focused on keeping up with DJ's family (baby daddy) since they don't judge her. Well I sure don't and I can't control my dad or my granny. I really want them to come up for Thanksgiving. Now that would make up for her forgetting my birthday.
Now I must start my day!! Wish me luck and awakeness!!!
Saturday was Clint's and my birthday. He's exactly 2 yrs and 2hrs older than me. I just turned 25 and he turned 27. He complains about being old. Lol...I really don't feel that much different than I did 2-5 yrs ago other than asthma being worse and aftermath of concussion.
So Friday I was walking to my French class and I was running a little late. Dry cold air makes breathing for me hard and my asthma tends to flare up. So by the time I got to the Greek Theater, I was slightly wheezing. Then there was landscapers out doing what they're paid to do - mow grass. Having a severe grass allergy I think is just as bad as being allergic to calcium or sunlight. By the time I made it to the business building I was seeing lights and coughing. My class had relocated to Einsteins so I just went to the bathroom and collapsed looking frantically for my inhaler. Puffed on it 3 times and continue to sit in the floor as I started getting air in me and my consciousness came back. Some Asian girls came in and just looked at me funny while I was wheezing. I think I sat there for like 20 min before I hauled my butt up off the bathroom floor. I then walked all the way to Pat Walker Health Center. I tried catching some university work trucks/carts to hitch a ride but I couldn't run so I missed them. By the time I made it to the health center all I could do was show them my id and my inhaler and point at my chest wheezing and hyperventilating. They rushed me in and sat me down. My pulse was everywhere hitting at 191/130 for the high. I just handed them my wallet and tried to control my breathing. I then was given the liquid albuterol to inhale thru the "cool smoky pipe thingy" as I call it. I then when I was able had to explain what triggered it and about my grass/hayfever allergy.
I was held in observation for the rest of the morning to make sure I got back to 100% breathing. I came in at 20%, had the pipe thingy, then blew at 40%. They waited to check it again about 30 min later and I was at 50%-80%. So I got another dose of the smoky pipe. Then I had to wait another half hour before I reached 100%. They checked it at 15 min intervals and gave me the device to keep to check my breathing at home. Also got a new prescription for my inhaler and a new medicine routine. I also since I scared them so bad have to have a follow up appointment. Ugh.... So that was the day before my birthday. Clint and I went to go looking for me a car when he got off work and then had Thai for din-din.
Saturday we woke up late, had french toast and coffee, and I took my time getting ready. We started off going to the square to try the Bliss Cupcake place and did some window shopping around the little shops there. Found a cool store called the Himalayan Mountainwear Clothing. All of it was hand made and either of wool or cotton material. Found Clint a possible Xmas present and got me a small bday present of fingerless gloves. They're more like sleeves. We then went back to my apartment and used matches as candles for our cupcakes.
Did a little more shopping more of checking out new stores in the area, then we decided on bowling. It worked out perfectly!! We played 3 games of bowling during the 1st half of the Hog game that we were ABLE to watch AT the bowling alley!! Clint won 2 out of the 3 but I killed him in the middle game. I had 4 strikes and 6 spares for all the games together. We then tried going to Cable Car Pizza but they didn't have the hog game on so we went up to Mojito's instead. Ordered a huge 44oz frozen strawberry margarita for us to share and watched the 2nd half of the hog game. It was a great fun day!!
Sunday we were going to go up to Joe and Shea's but Clint's mom when she said dinner she meant lunch so we had to cancel on them.. :-( It was his family and my grandparents. Had some yummy roast angus beef from his cousins' farm and a bunch of veggies and salad. I had to blow out the candles on our cake and brownies because Clint woke up feeling sicky. We played outside with the "toys," 4-wheeler, '78 Toyota Land Cruiser, a huge Star cruiser and a little bitty Honda bike. I tried riding the little bike and wouldn't ya know it the throttle got stuck on me when I was taking off. Scared poor Clint who was hanging on the back of it intending to steady me but was dragged along instead. We both got some good birthday cards and much needed money. We then were both feeling punny and decided it was time to go back to his place.
Now I have pulled an all-nighter for German homework, French homework and a German essay that I had to find a website for. Ugh. I ended up looking up Churches of Christ in Germany and used a church's website. Lol let's hope it works. Otherwise I may have to rewrite it. Now time to tackle getting ready for school and studying for my French oral exam on Wednesday!!! Stressed, wound-up tired and sore.....
I am also very disappointed that the two people who I always tell happy birthday to and give them nice presents completely FORGOT my birthday. I mean I have known them both their own lives. I took care of them growing up. Yes you guessed it - my brother and sister forgot my birthday!! Kevin at least has a decent excuse - his new program has him so stressed out right now. I know that's why he forgot. And he has a chance to redeem himself tomorrow night for pizza with Nini and Pop-pop. Kelly on the other hand I have done everything I could to ease Dad off of her during her pregnancy. I consoled her when Dad said terrible things to her and got her nice stuff for the baby. Nada ziltch! She's too focused on keeping up with DJ's family (baby daddy) since they don't judge her. Well I sure don't and I can't control my dad or my granny. I really want them to come up for Thanksgiving. Now that would make up for her forgetting my birthday.
Now I must start my day!! Wish me luck and awakeness!!!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
My Dreams if I remember correctly
Dream big or go home right?
Apparently I have had a defeatist/realist attitude about life here lately. I want to change that back to the random spontaneous dreamer I used to be. Clint says I'm not the girl he fell in love with. She comes out for a brief period and just gets put back away in a little box where nobody can destroy, ruin, or criticize her dreams and herself. It doesn't hurt as bad when those are put away and the mask is up. I took down my mask yesterday for Stephanie and Steve. It hurt but it felt good to just release. I bottle everything up because the stuff I know can get people hurt or into trouble. I feel like I have a limited amount of people I can talk to in the church because most of them know my parents or family. I want to share. I want to dream those big dreams that I always got in trouble for when I was a child.
Therapy for me is this blog and now thanks to my friend Ashley, I'm looking into "zentangle." And I'm going to start doing something everyday for me to make me happy or to smile.
I used to have this list about all my dreams. Being trapped in a small town wanting to see the world, dreaming big in hope of escaping that small town was what literally saved me from ending my own life. I dislike the norm but for once I want a more normal life. Less drama, less responsibility - I've had both as long as I could remember. I didn't ask for it, didn't go looking for it. Anyhow, my bucket list: **I will add more when I remember it. Blast that concussion.
Places I want to go to/see:
-Egypt --I used to want to be a female Indiana Jones when I was little. I want to explore the pyramids, find some mummies.
-pretty much all of Britain, Ireland, Wales, England, Scotland. My heritage. And I do have other reasons now to go. I want more than anything to get married in Ireland. That's my biggest dream now, besides that day I get my sparkle. :-)
- Germany -- my cousin has been a missionary there since I was very little. My grandparents also had a German foreign exchange student for a bit. Also my heritage; I've pretty much have had a desire to go to western Europe since 5ish. I hated being stuck in one place. I wanted to see new things!! Still do.
-France (yes I have been but really didn't get to enjoy good French cuisine and I dislike being rushed thru art museums, plus there is still so much I didn't see)
- Italy - do I really need to go into why? There is so much history there and well it's Italy.
- Greece -- I used to get grounded for wanting to learn more about Greek mythology. Made my parents mad that I wasn't being a good little Christian kid and I wasn't even baptized yet. Geez-- I want to see that white rocky beach line with the green blue sea.
**BIG DREAM ALERT** I want to take a cruise around the Mediterranean Sea!!! Wear fabulous loose fitting clothing (kinda dumb but dress like the old Greeks and not for dumb sorority functions), eat wonderful food, drink wonderful wine, and of course I would bring along Mr Clinty. :-)
-Spain - I want to visit all the Catholic churches there and see the history behind the Spanish Inquisition. And Barcelona plus Degas is one of my favorite artists. Love the ballerina paintings of his
-Hawaii --now I know I really don't have to explain this one. :-)
-Canada - in the fall/winter. Always have wanted to have that out in the wilderness. Fall is gorgeous there.
-Australia -- I want to swim with sharks. EEEEK!!!!
- California --again, I want to learn how to surf and tour the wine country.
- New York City --AT CHRISTMAS!! The huge Christmas tree in Time Square, ice-skating, window shopping, seeing all the old shops like Macy's, and hopefully a cool Broadway show. Too bad they're not playing Cats anymore. That was one of my biggest dreams when I was 8. I wanted to see Cats more than anything.
- Vermont --tour it on a motorcycle in the fall with Clint. :-)
- Maine -- for the history and fresh lobster
- DISNEY WORLD!!! -- don't care whether it's California, Florida, Paris...I want to go.
- Peru -- weird but just always has been a place I wanted to go since I was little
- Mayan Ruins --big history buff when I was in elementary school. Have always wanted to go and still do.
- Brazil/Amazon river -- just have always wanted to wander thru a rainforest, zip-line thru the tree tops
What I want to learn how to do:
- How to ride a Motorcycle
- Dry a stick-sift
- To surf
- Sky-diving
- Crocheting
- Knitting
- How to sew lol
- Paint ---I know it's simple it's just well I need all the paint, the brushes, canvases etc....and kinda scared of just sucking at it. Can mix paint just fine.
- How to change my oil
- Fluent in German, French and Spanish
- Wood-carving
- Sculpting/pottery
- How to tango/waltz/samba/more swing than what I do --DANCE!
- Basket-weaving
- How to cut my own hair --SCARY!
Other random dreams:
- Getting corrective laser surgery for my eyes
- Having my own house designed for me built--maybe more than one
- Having a big flower garden that I can stroll through
- Marry the guy of my dreams...this is kinda funny...I wrote this when I was 16-18yrs old, and it's dead-on Clint for the most part.
+Blonde hair, blue eyes, facial hair, great sense of humor, MUST LIKE CATS, spontaneous, speed-addict (as in going fast!), non-controlling, good morals I didn't at that point care if he was Christian, and taller than me.
(Clint was taller than me when we started dating...and i'm so grateful that he's the one. I thank God for him every day more than once.)
- I want a huge library with big windows and built in cushy window seats and a big piano. Kinda want a secret passage too in it lol.
- I wanted an addition to my dream house, a little cottage filled with light and surrounded by a garden. I want my mom to live out in the cottage and I want to just let her have her own cute home and garden for her to do whatever she wants with it.
- A real leather Catwoman suit....sounds bad but this is something I have always wanted whip and all. Lol I used to dream about wearing it on my honeymoon. I have warned you that I am weird.
As I said at the beginning, thanks to that concussion parts of my memory are shot. I'll complete this or add on when it comes to me. I have most of this written in my Bible. Not going to tell detail about my biggest dream because if you tell then it won't come true right? And I want it to be perfect. Haven't lost that perfectionist side of me. :-)
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
I'm starting my day off with a hugely unhealthy dose of disappointment and helplessness. I just paid 692.17 for a car that is most likely going to break down on me. I do not have time for a job or to go looking for a job. I need a job so I can get financing for an affordable car. If I get a job, there goes my good grades and all my hard work.
What's wrong with the BMW----> radiator blew up AGAIN fussing together all the plastic parts around it makin them brittle and all screwed up. I quite possibly have another blown gasket. And I'm not even sure I can get 3-4,000 for it now even though it's worth at least 5,000 in just parts.
I need a cosigner and a good cheap car. My dad will probably divorce my mom if she cosigns with me thanks to my sister's fiasco. There's Clint but we're not even engaged yet and that is not how I want to start off forever with him. Then there's my grandparents but they already pay for my health insurance and give me money when they know I'm getting tight and close to the negative.
I just want something to work for me. Whenever I feel like I get solid footing, something like this happens. Clint tells me that I have a defeatist attitude. What good are dreams when they never work out? I want to still be able to dream without worrying about failing miserably in the attempt. It scares me now to dream because thanks to this wonderful world crushing out most of my hope.
Not all is lost. Even though it's a stretch for me, I'm still trying my hardest to put faith in God that everything will fall into place. Everything happens for a reason. I should be thankful that I even own a car and have a roof over my head. That I have my family and Clint trying their hardest to help me get through. That I'm still alive after all my near death experiences. I am strong and I know this. I just can't handle school with all their crap, my brother and thinking about his future, Clint wanting a bright and happy future without Kevin, or all these expectations people have for me. I cannot handle disappointing them.
Lord please if it be Your will, grant me the strength to make it thru all this. Please please be with the Student Aid Committee and allow them to see that yes I am worth the chance and do deserve to be awarded my loans. Please help me, and allow this vocational rehabilitation to work out. I want to move on with my life and all these problems are holding me back.
Thank you Lord for the beauty that surrounds me. Thank You for my friends, family and Clint. Thank You for I am truly blessed. It is very hard to admit that I am but I know I am. Thank You Lord for everything and thank You for sending Your Son.
And thank You Lord for the sunshine. I need it today.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Oh holy crap!! My oral exams are in two weeks!!! Tomorrow is the fateful day of figuring out how much I get to pay for my car. Makes me sick to think about it. I don't want to work this holiday season but I'm afraid I have no choice. I'm a nervous wreck considering my re-appeal and I pray that I get it. Praying that that vocational rehabilitation works out as well. If both do, then I may be able to get out of school within the next two years.
Once upon a time is a great show but I guess I get to watch it myself.
Friday, November 4, 2011
One week and guess what day that is?!?!
Yes one week from tomorrow is my 25th birthday and Clint's 27th birthday. We're cool like that sharing a birthday. And my mom is giving me money for some excellent Razorback tickets that we just so happened to come across...Lower section at the 50yd line!! 55 a piece! So early birthday present for both Clint and I! I won't lie....I'm kinda hoping for a sparkly birthday present. Still trying to figure out what to get him...I figured out Christmas. Just need a good birthday gift for my picky man.
Still doing well in school, excited to find out that instead of making a 38% on my first personal finance test I made a 38/50!! WAY better and so I have a C in finance, a high B in French and a low A in German. Whoot whoot!! Got back my French and German tests - French was an 82 and German was a 95. Also got back essays in both - 45/50 in French, and a 94 on the german one. Now all I have to do is ace my oral exams, continued doing well on my tests, and camp out at the library for a day or so to check out all the copies of the Wall St Journal since i lost my journal for the daily numbers of the Dow. Ugh......
Turned in my re-appeal for my financial aid. Included my evaluation for ADHD and mild depression and funeral bulletins for Clint's grandma and Ryan's mom with it this time, had turned in a note from my doctor about my concussion, and several funeral bulletins including my Grandpa's. I have officially buried them in more than enough adequate documentation and if they don't award me my aid, well then there's really nothing else I can do. I was referred by my financial aid advisor to look into Arkansas Vocational Rehabilitation. What it does is for people with disabilities that inhibit them from doing their very best in school provides some aid. I qualify with my severe asthma and allergies and having ADHD may help as well with that. It is not the same thing as what Kevin is in...Kevin's in a program called the Arkansas Dept of Rehabilitation for disabled people who aren't disabled enough for LifeStyles and are disabled enough to struggle in a college setting.
My car is in the shop and the mechanic quoted the repair to be 450-500 dollars to get my car up and running again. Radiator blew again, so it needs a new radiator and thermostat. AGAIN. This is the 3rd time for this particular car to have radiator issues. Last time caused a head gasket to crack and had to replace the whole engine. I need a new-to-me used reliable car. Wanting an older Honda CRV that's 4wd automatic with lowish miles. Hahaha...we found one in a manual with low miles. No thank you!
I'm still having the headaches when i try to work out -- my doctor said that I could continue to experience these until a year or two after the concussion or may never go away. Gah! All I want to do is fit into my clothes I wore before that blasted concussion! I would even be happy with just being able to have fun and do the things I love without worrying about my head pulsating close to the top of my spine. Only thing I can take for it is ibuprofen. I hate taking so many medications. Looking into getting the BC implant instead of the ring - have an appointment Monday to consult my woman doc and be tested to make sure I'm able to. Trying to do it before the end of the year so I pay half the price instead of the full amount, once January rolls around I pay full price of all my prescriptions. Yet ANOTHER reason why I'm eligible for the Vocational Rehabilitation. Praying that it all works out.
Still doing well in school, excited to find out that instead of making a 38% on my first personal finance test I made a 38/50!! WAY better and so I have a C in finance, a high B in French and a low A in German. Whoot whoot!! Got back my French and German tests - French was an 82 and German was a 95. Also got back essays in both - 45/50 in French, and a 94 on the german one. Now all I have to do is ace my oral exams, continued doing well on my tests, and camp out at the library for a day or so to check out all the copies of the Wall St Journal since i lost my journal for the daily numbers of the Dow. Ugh......
Turned in my re-appeal for my financial aid. Included my evaluation for ADHD and mild depression and funeral bulletins for Clint's grandma and Ryan's mom with it this time, had turned in a note from my doctor about my concussion, and several funeral bulletins including my Grandpa's. I have officially buried them in more than enough adequate documentation and if they don't award me my aid, well then there's really nothing else I can do. I was referred by my financial aid advisor to look into Arkansas Vocational Rehabilitation. What it does is for people with disabilities that inhibit them from doing their very best in school provides some aid. I qualify with my severe asthma and allergies and having ADHD may help as well with that. It is not the same thing as what Kevin is in...Kevin's in a program called the Arkansas Dept of Rehabilitation for disabled people who aren't disabled enough for LifeStyles and are disabled enough to struggle in a college setting.
My car is in the shop and the mechanic quoted the repair to be 450-500 dollars to get my car up and running again. Radiator blew again, so it needs a new radiator and thermostat. AGAIN. This is the 3rd time for this particular car to have radiator issues. Last time caused a head gasket to crack and had to replace the whole engine. I need a new-to-me used reliable car. Wanting an older Honda CRV that's 4wd automatic with lowish miles. Hahaha...we found one in a manual with low miles. No thank you!
I'm still having the headaches when i try to work out -- my doctor said that I could continue to experience these until a year or two after the concussion or may never go away. Gah! All I want to do is fit into my clothes I wore before that blasted concussion! I would even be happy with just being able to have fun and do the things I love without worrying about my head pulsating close to the top of my spine. Only thing I can take for it is ibuprofen. I hate taking so many medications. Looking into getting the BC implant instead of the ring - have an appointment Monday to consult my woman doc and be tested to make sure I'm able to. Trying to do it before the end of the year so I pay half the price instead of the full amount, once January rolls around I pay full price of all my prescriptions. Yet ANOTHER reason why I'm eligible for the Vocational Rehabilitation. Praying that it all works out.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Here's to you Staci
Here's my cousins Megan and Staci. We grew up building hay forts and playing in cow fields. My cousin Staci passed away only days from her 21st birthday in road construction. My family is ultra conservative and when they found out she had some alcohol in her system, they trash-talked her. She was a free-spirit who did not deserve it. It was legal the amount she had. Little Rock is known for road construction and terrible accidents/deaths. We weren't as close when we grew up but she was one of my closest friends as a child.
Süßes oder Saures!!!
German for TRICK OR TREAT! :-) I would have given all the candy to the kid who said that to me.
HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!! Kevin's gotten into the Arkansas Rehabilitation Program up in Springdale. Hopefully this is the right path to help him become more able to take care of himself. We are going to celebrate with pizza Friday night to keep his spirits up. My new hair-dresser's aunt is supposed to call me tomorrow since she has a son just like Kevin and she's very interested in this program.
HAPPY!!! Halloween is one of my favorite holidays! It was one of the happier days for my childhood. We trick-or-treated out in the country and everybody knew us so we got lots of candy. My Nan-nan would save me all the Reeses out of her candy bag. She gave us toys too. One of the funny memories from Halloween was we even hit up the grocery store/gas station for candy on Halloween. Richard the owner would dress up and hand out candy to all the kids. Poor Kevin was confused and thought he could have ANY candy so he picked up one from the merchandise. Mom and Dad caught him and made him give it back. The owner thought it was hilarious and let him pick out some from the free candy.
We had a TON of trick-or-treaters here at Mitch's new house. He had to run out and buy the last few bags of candy from Walgreens. I hung a sign up saying TEMPORARILY OUT OF CANDY---MORE ON THE WAY!! We turned away about 30 kids while waiting. I loved answering the door and handing out the candy. Made them say "Trick-or-treat!" and interrogated the smaller ones about their costumes. My favorites were a little girl dressed up like Michael Jordan with face paint and matching hair net, the little redheaded boy sheriff who thought Clint's gardening tools were the coolest thing ever and preferred them over the candy, and the little rainbow princess who stumbled over her words trying to tell me what her costume was and ran away after I gave her the candy saying "I'm a Rainbow Princess!" LOL!!!
Sad...... BMW is out of commission right now. Radiator problems yet again and the suspension is completely shot. Time for a new-to-me car that is super cheap. Going to the shop tomorrow....more money to dump into this money pit.
When I start to feel that wonderful peace of things going right and I begin to thank God for blessing me, somethings breaks down or some other event happens. After losing so many loved ones, I cannot help but wonder who's going to be next? Whose funeral do I get to go to and mourn for? A friend from back home passed away this past weekend, car accident hit head on. People who are not from small towns don't understand or comprehend how close small towns are. Even though I was the oddball who didn't like camo and actually loved reading, my small town is just as close to me as my family. Small towns have their advantages and disadvantages. Everybody knows who you are and there is no disappearing. Yet they care for you in their own way. Yesterday was the one year anniversary for my Nan-nan's murder, on Halloween. That one time of year we always went to see her and I got all her Reeses. She brought me a present too every year on my birthday which is coming up. As my birthday nears, the day my cousin died nears too. You don't really think about appreciating the people in your life til they're gone. I am not hanging on to the past - I am appreciating my memories of loved ones. The thoughts of whose next aren't as bad when I think of the happy good times, remembering those loved ones I have lost. So here's to you, my loved ones hopefully looking down from above. I love and miss each one of you very much.
HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!! Kevin's gotten into the Arkansas Rehabilitation Program up in Springdale. Hopefully this is the right path to help him become more able to take care of himself. We are going to celebrate with pizza Friday night to keep his spirits up. My new hair-dresser's aunt is supposed to call me tomorrow since she has a son just like Kevin and she's very interested in this program.
HAPPY!!! Halloween is one of my favorite holidays! It was one of the happier days for my childhood. We trick-or-treated out in the country and everybody knew us so we got lots of candy. My Nan-nan would save me all the Reeses out of her candy bag. She gave us toys too. One of the funny memories from Halloween was we even hit up the grocery store/gas station for candy on Halloween. Richard the owner would dress up and hand out candy to all the kids. Poor Kevin was confused and thought he could have ANY candy so he picked up one from the merchandise. Mom and Dad caught him and made him give it back. The owner thought it was hilarious and let him pick out some from the free candy.
We had a TON of trick-or-treaters here at Mitch's new house. He had to run out and buy the last few bags of candy from Walgreens. I hung a sign up saying TEMPORARILY OUT OF CANDY---MORE ON THE WAY!! We turned away about 30 kids while waiting. I loved answering the door and handing out the candy. Made them say "Trick-or-treat!" and interrogated the smaller ones about their costumes. My favorites were a little girl dressed up like Michael Jordan with face paint and matching hair net, the little redheaded boy sheriff who thought Clint's gardening tools were the coolest thing ever and preferred them over the candy, and the little rainbow princess who stumbled over her words trying to tell me what her costume was and ran away after I gave her the candy saying "I'm a Rainbow Princess!" LOL!!!
Sad...... BMW is out of commission right now. Radiator problems yet again and the suspension is completely shot. Time for a new-to-me car that is super cheap. Going to the shop tomorrow....more money to dump into this money pit.
When I start to feel that wonderful peace of things going right and I begin to thank God for blessing me, somethings breaks down or some other event happens. After losing so many loved ones, I cannot help but wonder who's going to be next? Whose funeral do I get to go to and mourn for? A friend from back home passed away this past weekend, car accident hit head on. People who are not from small towns don't understand or comprehend how close small towns are. Even though I was the oddball who didn't like camo and actually loved reading, my small town is just as close to me as my family. Small towns have their advantages and disadvantages. Everybody knows who you are and there is no disappearing. Yet they care for you in their own way. Yesterday was the one year anniversary for my Nan-nan's murder, on Halloween. That one time of year we always went to see her and I got all her Reeses. She brought me a present too every year on my birthday which is coming up. As my birthday nears, the day my cousin died nears too. You don't really think about appreciating the people in your life til they're gone. I am not hanging on to the past - I am appreciating my memories of loved ones. The thoughts of whose next aren't as bad when I think of the happy good times, remembering those loved ones I have lost. So here's to you, my loved ones hopefully looking down from above. I love and miss each one of you very much.
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