Well poop...

First off, I am very sickly and pmsing.  I am venting.  Please do not talk down to me like a child or holier than thou because I will lose it.  I'm tired of being the one who always has to smile and take it.

Second off, Clint just out of the blue decided to tell me he doesn't want to go to Ireland.  Mostly because he thinks I want to just so I can spite my dad.  And also because you have to be there 14 days for marriage licensing, which isn't possible since Clint doesn't have any built up vacation time.  And the idea of eloping is out of the question because Clint wants his family there.

Here's my deal - I wasn't trying to spite my dad.  I spite my dad just by being myself for having big dreams and not just being an obedient mute brainless female.  I got into trouble for dreaming.  I was told by my own father when asked what I wanted to do when I grew up, "Yeah right like that's going to happen," or "You're not good enough."  What kind of father says that to his own kid?!  The one who valued deer season over his oldest daughter's birthdays every year deer camp happened at the same time.  I know I have daddy issues.  I know I have to forgive him.  It's not like I haven't been trying.  My dad decided that he didn't like my ideas for my own wedding and just stopped talking to me.  He also made a point in telling me (before the silent treatment) that he didn't appreciate what I had posted on Facebook about him and Kelly's fiancé.  My exact words were I was impressed that that guy still wanted to marry Kelly after everything my dad has put him through.  Wasn't meant to be derogatory to my dad or to DJ, but just that I'm impressed that DJ loved Kelly enough to put up with it all.  It was sweet and I know that he has loved her for a long time.  She has him so wrapped around her finger, it's unreal.  My dad thought I was siding with him and wasn't having that.

My point is when I have come so close to putting everything behind me, Dad Jeckel comes out and ruins all my peace.  I know that we're probably never going to be on good terms.  I just want some peace and an understanding from him that I'm not property or a collector's item or a show horse --> I am his daughter.  I'm not meant to be put on a shelf until he needs to show off his family and then I'm pulled out and expected to be this silent perfect daughter who smiles and agrees with everything he says.  He says he wants to spend time with us kids but that usually means we all sit silently in the dark living room and watch what he wants to watch.  Kevin is allowed to give input but not me and Kelly and mom.

I'm going to see about getting some counseling.  My sister had counseling once.  After 2-3 sessions, the counselor said that he/she had nothing else to discuss with Kelly and wanted my parents in for a session.  Well my dad wasn't going to have it.  Wasn't going to have some shrink tell him that he's wrong.

The point of all this venting is that it has been demanded of me to make things right.  But how do you make things right with someone who is so obstinate and set in his screwed up ways without just bending over and taking everything dished out at you without any complaint?  But as a Christian, Trella you should be able to do that.  Well guess what people I can't.  I have done that for most of my life and all I want is my loving dad that we used to play he was the evil kissing monster trying to attack mom and we had to save mom.  I saw him briefly occasionally through the years.  I always brought friends over because he was actually nice when we had company.  I remember how jealous I would get because he would treat/talk to them nicer than me.  How do you get on better terms with a person who will scream and cuss you out for talking back/saying he's wrong/being a flat out whore?  How do you forgive the most hurtful person in your life who was supposed to care and protect you?  During junior high, I was severely bullied.  Locked in my locker, pushed into trash cans, and when I started carrying my backpack filled with all my books to try and prevent being locked in my locker or kicked in the ribs, I was flipped on my back and left laying on the ground.  I was punched for being ugly to look at, and screamed at by a bus driver who didn't give a crap about the kids who beat me up on the back of the school bus.  I would come home and cry wanting wishing I would disappear or die.  My mom was worried about me and tried helping me.  Dad told me to suck it up.  The time I was punched in the face by a boy and had a visible enough black-eye, made him mad and actually wanted to do something but he was also mad at me for not standing up for myself.  I wanted to say I'm only 80lbs and he's 3xs my size.



I'm at a loss for what I am to do.  I will not lay down and take the abuse.  I have for forever and I'm so tired of it. I really want to be happy and have a happy wedding day.  I have been working very hard on forgiving my dad.  I don't want to have to give up my happiness to make him happy.  I'm sorry but he will not be walking me down the aisle.  The one person I wanted to walk me down the aisle is dead.  I would rather link arms with my bridesmaids and skip down the aisle or just walk by myself.  And just by that detail of what I want for my wedding day, it will be enough that he would not want anything to do with me.  I may even be written out of the will.  But this is my big day.  It's already not going to be how I want it.  My perfect wedding dreams died with my grandpa.

I may be stubborn.  I may be prideful.  I do love my dad.  I just am tired of being the only one who tries to work on our relationship.  I'm struggling really hard to not be depressed about all of this - the wedding not going to be what we had originally wanted, my dad, etc.  I guess I really need some prayers.  I don't need advice or scripture quoted at me.  I have gotten plenty advice in my 25 yrs of life and being forced to every Harding gospel meeting growing up, I got plenty of scripture quoted at me for my innocent polite questions.