First off, I am very sickly and pmsing. I am venting. Please do not talk down to me like a child or holier than thou because I will lose it. I'm tired of being the one who always has to smile and take it.
Second off, Clint just out of the blue decided to tell me he doesn't want to go to Ireland. Mostly because he thinks I want to just so I can spite my dad. And also because you have to be there 14 days for marriage licensing, which isn't possible since Clint doesn't have any built up vacation time. And the idea of eloping is out of the question because Clint wants his family there.
Here's my deal - I wasn't trying to spite my dad. I spite my dad just by being myself for having big dreams and not just being an obedient mute brainless female. I got into trouble for dreaming. I was told by my own father when asked what I wanted to do when I grew up, "Yeah right like that's going to happen," or "You're not good enough." What kind of father says that to his own kid?! The one who valued deer season over his oldest daughter's birthdays every year deer camp happened at the same time. I know I have daddy issues. I know I have to forgive him. It's not like I haven't been trying. My dad decided that he didn't like my ideas for my own wedding and just stopped talking to me. He also made a point in telling me (before the silent treatment) that he didn't appreciate what I had posted on Facebook about him and Kelly's fiancé. My exact words were I was impressed that that guy still wanted to marry Kelly after everything my dad has put him through. Wasn't meant to be derogatory to my dad or to DJ, but just that I'm impressed that DJ loved Kelly enough to put up with it all. It was sweet and I know that he has loved her for a long time. She has him so wrapped around her finger, it's unreal. My dad thought I was siding with him and wasn't having that.
My point is when I have come so close to putting everything behind me, Dad Jeckel comes out and ruins all my peace. I know that we're probably never going to be on good terms. I just want some peace and an understanding from him that I'm not property or a collector's item or a show horse --> I am his daughter. I'm not meant to be put on a shelf until he needs to show off his family and then I'm pulled out and expected to be this silent perfect daughter who smiles and agrees with everything he says. He says he wants to spend time with us kids but that usually means we all sit silently in the dark living room and watch what he wants to watch. Kevin is allowed to give input but not me and Kelly and mom.
I'm going to see about getting some counseling. My sister had counseling once. After 2-3 sessions, the counselor said that he/she had nothing else to discuss with Kelly and wanted my parents in for a session. Well my dad wasn't going to have it. Wasn't going to have some shrink tell him that he's wrong.
The point of all this venting is that it has been demanded of me to make things right. But how do you make things right with someone who is so obstinate and set in his screwed up ways without just bending over and taking everything dished out at you without any complaint? But as a Christian, Trella you should be able to do that. Well guess what people I can't. I have done that for most of my life and all I want is my loving dad that we used to play he was the evil kissing monster trying to attack mom and we had to save mom. I saw him briefly occasionally through the years. I always brought friends over because he was actually nice when we had company. I remember how jealous I would get because he would treat/talk to them nicer than me. How do you get on better terms with a person who will scream and cuss you out for talking back/saying he's wrong/being a flat out whore? How do you forgive the most hurtful person in your life who was supposed to care and protect you? During junior high, I was severely bullied. Locked in my locker, pushed into trash cans, and when I started carrying my backpack filled with all my books to try and prevent being locked in my locker or kicked in the ribs, I was flipped on my back and left laying on the ground. I was punched for being ugly to look at, and screamed at by a bus driver who didn't give a crap about the kids who beat me up on the back of the school bus. I would come home and cry wanting wishing I would disappear or die. My mom was worried about me and tried helping me. Dad told me to suck it up. The time I was punched in the face by a boy and had a visible enough black-eye, made him mad and actually wanted to do something but he was also mad at me for not standing up for myself. I wanted to say I'm only 80lbs and he's 3xs my size.
I'm at a loss for what I am to do. I will not lay down and take the abuse. I have for forever and I'm so tired of it. I really want to be happy and have a happy wedding day. I have been working very hard on forgiving my dad. I don't want to have to give up my happiness to make him happy. I'm sorry but he will not be walking me down the aisle. The one person I wanted to walk me down the aisle is dead. I would rather link arms with my bridesmaids and skip down the aisle or just walk by myself. And just by that detail of what I want for my wedding day, it will be enough that he would not want anything to do with me. I may even be written out of the will. But this is my big day. It's already not going to be how I want it. My perfect wedding dreams died with my grandpa.
I may be stubborn. I may be prideful. I do love my dad. I just am tired of being the only one who tries to work on our relationship. I'm struggling really hard to not be depressed about all of this - the wedding not going to be what we had originally wanted, my dad, etc. I guess I really need some prayers. I don't need advice or scripture quoted at me. I have gotten plenty advice in my 25 yrs of life and being forced to every Harding gospel meeting growing up, I got plenty of scripture quoted at me for my innocent polite questions.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Adulthood is quite scary....
I dislike coming up with a title for blogs or anything.
Pinterest may be something I have to ban myself from to get homework done. Most definitely delete my iPhone app for it at least. Currently taking 12 hrs, my first full-time load of classes in a long time, and it is an awesome schedule. I go to class on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays only, from 7:30am-12:30pm with an hour break from 10:30-11:30. The best part that just makes it AWESOME is all my classes are in the same building. I have to run up or down a flight of stairs to get to class. That's it. True it's fun making it on time to the 7:30 class but the rest of it I'm in love with. Not too much written work either, I just have a ton of memorization, quizzes and readings.
I've started my planning for the big day I guess. Have tons of research and testing products to do. I bought a wedding magazine and been thumbing through it. Marked the pages of all the dress I love, all the dresses I sorta like, and all the dresses I would give a chance plus some other bits of info on random stuff.
So far the colors I'm torn between are white, off-white(ivory), gray, green, yellow, butter yellow, a light pinky peach, and a light dusty blue. For the bridesmaids I know the gray and blue will look the best on them. Argh there's so much to do. I'm actually thankful I started now instead of waiting til I had a year to go. I already bought Clint's ring that he picked out. I know I want the guys to wear gray and would love it if they just wore a suit. I have 2 notebooks almost set up for all the planning - one for addresses and one for planning in general. Not too worried about the photography or wedding/reception invites, I'm marrying a graphic designer! Whoot whoot!
Getting married in Ireland is looking difficult from the marriage licensing requirements. Second option is Scotland just in case. I just don't know if Clint can get off of work long enough to meet the Irish requirements.
The more and more I think about this, I realize this is it. This is the end of my young carefree immature adult life and the beginning of all the scary adulthood. Not that I haven't had my fair share of the latter, it's just more real. I'm on my way to becoming Mrs Elam.....eeeeekkk that's just weird. And yet so exciting, I just want to start dancing and jumping around! That name change is a lot to take in.
I have a lot to do. A lot of shopping which isn't enjoyable for me anymore after working the sales side of it. I don't want to become a bridezilla and that is my ultimate goal. Job-hunting, dress-hunting, bridesmaid dress-hunting.......so much.
So it's time for me to wrap this up - homework needs to be addressed plus I'm sickly so have some meds that will hopefully make sleep possible. Made my first hot toddy tonight and it really helps my poor sore throat. Not my poor sore ears though or my poor upset tummy. Nose faucet is still running like crazy as well. I hope and pray we get a good solid freeze so my allergies will not be awful this spring/summer. I want to play in the sun!!!
I'm really enjoying the main auditorium class at church on Sunday mornings. Discussing worship and the typical mindset and how that typical mindset prevents us from having a good spiritual worship and praising God. Giving Him glory.....not just running straight to Him with prayers when everything is falling apart. My main actual New Year's resolution that I actually set for myself is to work on just being an overall better person in general not just a better Christian. What's the point of being a good Christian if you're not a good person in the first place?! It's just not possible. Next up praising God more through prayer and not focusing on how much the singing is off or that guy two rows behind is way off or the songleader started this song way too high!!
My advanced German communication teacher has been giving us fun common quotes for every day life - auf deutsche!! So I figured I would post them on here as well. Hoping to start being able to type this blog more in German and French soon!!
~ Mann muss Heu machen, solange die Sonne scheint.
--Make hay while the sun shines. :-)
Pinterest may be something I have to ban myself from to get homework done. Most definitely delete my iPhone app for it at least. Currently taking 12 hrs, my first full-time load of classes in a long time, and it is an awesome schedule. I go to class on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays only, from 7:30am-12:30pm with an hour break from 10:30-11:30. The best part that just makes it AWESOME is all my classes are in the same building. I have to run up or down a flight of stairs to get to class. That's it. True it's fun making it on time to the 7:30 class but the rest of it I'm in love with. Not too much written work either, I just have a ton of memorization, quizzes and readings.
I've started my planning for the big day I guess. Have tons of research and testing products to do. I bought a wedding magazine and been thumbing through it. Marked the pages of all the dress I love, all the dresses I sorta like, and all the dresses I would give a chance plus some other bits of info on random stuff.
So far the colors I'm torn between are white, off-white(ivory), gray, green, yellow, butter yellow, a light pinky peach, and a light dusty blue. For the bridesmaids I know the gray and blue will look the best on them. Argh there's so much to do. I'm actually thankful I started now instead of waiting til I had a year to go. I already bought Clint's ring that he picked out. I know I want the guys to wear gray and would love it if they just wore a suit. I have 2 notebooks almost set up for all the planning - one for addresses and one for planning in general. Not too worried about the photography or wedding/reception invites, I'm marrying a graphic designer! Whoot whoot!
Getting married in Ireland is looking difficult from the marriage licensing requirements. Second option is Scotland just in case. I just don't know if Clint can get off of work long enough to meet the Irish requirements.
The more and more I think about this, I realize this is it. This is the end of my young carefree immature adult life and the beginning of all the scary adulthood. Not that I haven't had my fair share of the latter, it's just more real. I'm on my way to becoming Mrs Elam.....eeeeekkk that's just weird. And yet so exciting, I just want to start dancing and jumping around! That name change is a lot to take in.
I have a lot to do. A lot of shopping which isn't enjoyable for me anymore after working the sales side of it. I don't want to become a bridezilla and that is my ultimate goal. Job-hunting, dress-hunting, bridesmaid dress-hunting.......so much.
So it's time for me to wrap this up - homework needs to be addressed plus I'm sickly so have some meds that will hopefully make sleep possible. Made my first hot toddy tonight and it really helps my poor sore throat. Not my poor sore ears though or my poor upset tummy. Nose faucet is still running like crazy as well. I hope and pray we get a good solid freeze so my allergies will not be awful this spring/summer. I want to play in the sun!!!
I'm really enjoying the main auditorium class at church on Sunday mornings. Discussing worship and the typical mindset and how that typical mindset prevents us from having a good spiritual worship and praising God. Giving Him glory.....not just running straight to Him with prayers when everything is falling apart. My main actual New Year's resolution that I actually set for myself is to work on just being an overall better person in general not just a better Christian. What's the point of being a good Christian if you're not a good person in the first place?! It's just not possible. Next up praising God more through prayer and not focusing on how much the singing is off or that guy two rows behind is way off or the songleader started this song way too high!!
My advanced German communication teacher has been giving us fun common quotes for every day life - auf deutsche!! So I figured I would post them on here as well. Hoping to start being able to type this blog more in German and French soon!!
~ Mann muss Heu machen, solange die Sonne scheint.
--Make hay while the sun shines. :-)
Sunday, January 15, 2012
January 16th - Tempted and Tried
January 16th will be a day that most honor a great man Martin Luther King Jr. I will be remembering a different great man - my Grandpa - for he would have been 77 yrs old on January 16th. I dislike him having to share this day with anyone even someone who was as good and influential as MLK Jr.
My grandpa was my knight and shining armor when I was a little girl. I try to live my life by his example, because I have yet to meet a better Christian than him (with the exceptions of Scott Karnes, the French missionaries Youngs and Hutchisons, and Wendell Beall).
He only ever raised his voice at me once - once in my 20 yrs of life I was blessed to know him and have him in my life. He was teaching me how to drive his truck in his cow pasture, and I was slowing down. Before I came to a complete stop, I put the truck into park about dropping the transmission out of it. He didn't even yell, it was more his tone that hurt me more than anything. And once I teared up, he hugged me and apologized for raising his voice. Even though yes I did about ruin his truck.
We had our "horse back" days where 3 little girls( my cousins and myself) ran around begging and pleading Grandpa to give us horsey rides. We each got a turn til Granny came and had us shell peas and beans. Those 3 little girls also rode home every Sunday with Grandpa and we stopped twice on the way to Grandpa's house - one would get to "drive" from the church to the first stop, then it would be the second's turn and at the second stop it was finally be the third's turn to finish the short trip.
Those same 3 little girls would go out to the farm with Grandpa. We peed behind tractors and trucks and helped feed the cattle and check the fields of crop. We would play tag on top of the long lines of round bales trying to knock each other off. Grandpa would take us fishing out at the pond near his cattle pasture. I had the yellow Snoopy fishing pole.
All five of us grandkids (six when Cody finally joined our clan) would fight over who got to rock in Grandpa's recliner with him. He would sing us silly songs. "Tweedle-dee, tweedle-dum, I'm a fat lazy bum...." "Trella Bella!" "Amanda Banana!" "Monica Bo-bonica!" "Kelly jelly belly!" Or he would hum a silly tune. He always heehawed at the end and counted our ribs.
I begged my mom to get my hair cut really short when I was 3-5 yrs old. I had like 8 huge thick curls that hung down to my rear. I looked like a china doll. So my mom took me to get my haircut, and everybody was mad at her for it. My curls were gone and my hair was right at the end of my ears. My mom said that was the only time my grandpa was mad at her and he was furious. He never fussed about any of the other 3 granddaughters getting their hair cut short. Just mine.
When I played basketball and I wasn't all that good and was never played, he still came to as many games as he could. My dad wouldn't show up til it was time for the senior boys game. Grandpa would always sit in the same spot up at the top right at the end of the walkway up so I can see him there to smile at me and give me encouragement.
Lord give me strength. When I allowed myself to think of all the wonderful memories, I tear up and cry. Cry for what I had and didn't appreciate til he was dying.
When my car broke down, it wasn't my dad who came to help me. I quickly figured to call Dad meant I would be interrupting his work and I would be yelled at over the phone. Then Grandpa would come because either dad or mom would call him. He would just hug me as I cried over the mean things my dad yelled at me. It was the same thing around the house and with my mom, brother, sister and granny. All would try and call my dad and he would just chew us out. Then came along Grandpa and he fixed everything and wiped away all the tears Dad caused from his hatefulness.
Dad never fixed any of our dogs. He had breed everything. He had to be in control of everything. The only person who he couldn't control even though he tried was Grandpa. So of course we had a ton of litters of puppies that were mutts and nobody wanted to buy. One time we had some twisted mutt puppies that had weird colored coats. They always tried to bite us kids even though we handled them gently from birth and loved them. One day when I was feeding our 50 dogs at the time, I caught 2 of the not-quite full grown pups eating the smaller one with a huge full bowl of dogfood right by them. It was the scariest, most twisted gruesome sight I have seen in my life. I told mom and dad about it. Dad didn't believe me and wouldn't even go look. A couple days later the last two were trying to eat each other and had taken bite marks out of the other. I went to my poor blind mother who couldn't fix it in tears. The next day they were gone. Mom had called Grandpa and he came by while we were at school to "take care" of them.
Kevin when he was in 8th grade had to go to the mandatory sex education class in Beebe. The McRae and Beebe 8th graders were divided into groups with community leaders (men for the boys and women for the girl) to teach them the class. Our idiot preacher, Richard Pectol, was in Kevin's group. He pointed Kevin out in the middle of the class because Kevin was too ashamed and embarrassed to watch the sex ed film and made fun of him. That sex ed class made Kevin blush and look away from Mom, Kelly and me for a long time - he couldn't meet our eyes. Instead his eyes went to our chests and then lower then he would run and lock himself in the bathroom crying. Dad and Mom finally got it out of him what was bothering him. Dad furious went straight to our preacher's house and chewed and cussed him out. Typical Dad. Grandpa, when he heard about it, went over to the preacher's house and asked him to come have a cup of coffee with him. So Grandpa took the preacher to McDonalds for a cup of coffee and the next day the preacher came up to Kevin and asked for forgiveness apologizing. Grandpa fixed everything.
Now I have a good reason for thinking that that preacher was an idiot. He had his hay days for sure and used to be a talented preacher however McRae hired him right before he lost his mind with dimentia. He gave a sermon over the word 'and' and barely used any biblical references. He would teach the same lesson again a month later and he would get lost in his own sermons. His wife was crazy and hoarded everything. The church had to gut their house because they wouldn't have anybody over ever. Now Mr Richard Pectol had redheaded granddaughters, just like my grandpa had 2 redheaded granddaughters - my sister and myself. My sister and I would sit beside Grandpa at church and this was when I won beauty pageants and Kelly lost her baby chunk and was stupid cute (stupid cute meant boys did very stupid funny embarrassing things to get her to look at them). Well the preacher's granddaughters were the pasty flaming redheads and were on the plumpish side with long round faces and gapped teeth. He introduced his granddaughters to us when we were sitting in our pew before services started, saying well Weldon I think I've gotten the prettier redheads for granddaughters. Grandpa was polite and wouldn't smile at the preacher but did at his granddaughters. When services began he whispered in both mine and Kelly's ears that we were the most beautiful granddaughters that he could ask for. We overheard him talk about that incident later to Mom and Granny who piped up in her blunt Granny way, "What...?! They were most certainly not prettier than Trella and Kelly (took her about 10 other names before she got ours out). They were not very attractive at all and were on the larger side if you ask me." Grandpa would sssh her saying Now Phyllis be nice. Mom just giggled saying Oh Granny.
Kelly when she was having her wild streaks, the only person who could calm her down was Grandpa. Mom and Dad were so mad at her one time that they wanted to send her to military school. There was a lot of spankings for her, being locked in our room which meant I was locked in too. Kevin and I cried during the big big spanking dad gave her after he dragged her in from chasing her around the town. It sounded so horrible and she had marks and bruises all over her. Mom and dad told her she had 30 minutes to pack clothes for Fayetteville that she was going to come stay with my aunt and uncle and grandparents up here to straighten her out. They kept trying to send me in to make her pack and when i wouldn't, I was spanked and sent to pack her things for her. I say mom and dad but mom was crying and would come to randomly scream stuff at us while Dad hoovered over Kelly and would get upset watching him with Kelly and run off again. It was like watching him try to squish her like a bug. Mom called Grandpa and dad was mad at her for including him. I remember Grandpa coming into the bedroom and he sat down in the floor and told Kelly he would help her pack and would even ride up to Fayetteville with her if she wanted him to. And he sat there in the floor cradling her and rocking and sshing her like a little baby. He then helped her pack and gave me a big hug and kiss. Then Dad and Grandpa took Kelly up to Fayetteville that night and came straight back. My aunt and uncle said Kelly was a dream and behaved perfectly for them. Lead them to believe that my parents were too stern with us.
I always got in trouble for asking questions in church and Sunday school. My youth minister when I was in junior high told me that only Church of Christ would go to heaven. It didn't sit right with me and I piped up and asked a bunch of questions which lead to a bunch of Bible reading to show me where it said that. I think argued that those versions could have multiple meanings and how could we know that we were the one true church. His reasons were well our name and how we took communion every week and just described our rituals. Later my dad had a serious talk with my youth minister and then had a serious talk with me - more an argument than a talk. Lead to us quoting a scripture at each other. He finally beat-red looking like a volcano about to erupt yelled honor thy father and thy mother. I yelled back the verse about fathers and husbands do not abuse the power you have over your children and wives and that I do honor my mother for she is a good Christian. My dad picked me up by my hair and my pants, and threw me out of the front door. I crashed into one of the porch beams before landing on the concrete porch. I ran off into our back pastures and hid in the tall grass. I watched my mom looking for me worried and run back in and tell my dad that I ran away. Dad jumped in his truck and sped off down the road looking for me. I hid out there for hours til I saw my grandpa's truck pull up and I straighten up and sprinted as fast as I could to him. He saw me and was relieved to see me til I got up close where he could see my bruises and hair pulled out of my head. He stayed with me, called to tell Dad that I didn't run away I just hid in the back yard from him. He then stayed for a long while with me in my bedroom asking me what happened. I told him about Sunday school and how dad was mad at me for arguing. Grandpa said that he was proud of me and that who are we to judged who will get to go to heaven and who will go to hell. For all he knew, he said, he might end up going to hell too. I said he wouldn't be allowed in there because he was too nice. Made him chuckle. Told me that I was right to speak up when I did and was proud I knew my scripture so well. He left later and then I was in trouble for tattling on dad to grandpa.
My dad and grandpa were fighting when Grandpa got sick. Grandpa wasn't happy with how Dad treated us, and I heard Grandpa almost yell at dad about it. He told him that if he wasn't careful he would push us all away. Dad decided to stop speaking to him and avoided him unless it was important. Just like how he refused to speak to me and avoided me and wouldn't allow my mom to talk to me.
Grandpa got sick when I moved away to college. That first month Ryan's mom died tragically. I had ended a rough relationship before moving up to Fayetteville, and Kelly tattled on me to save her skin which lead to Dad calling me a whore as he slapped me and not speaking to me for a year and a half. My grandparents up here took me in and were nice to me. I actually didn't have a curfew just had to let them know if I was staying out late and where I was going. When I thought nothing else worst could happen, I was sat down by the RFC campus minister who I had just barely met. My parents decided to let him tell me about my grandpa having cancer. It felt like my whole world was going to break apart and I felt like I couldn't breathe. They all assured me that they caught it early on. I didn't learn until 3 years after he died that everybody else but me knew that he had an aggressive malignant type of lung cancer that hardly anyone survived.
So right after I learned about it, I called my parents and demanded to know why they couldn't tell me myself. My mom 'wasn't allowed' to talk to me due to my controlling dad and told the campus minister to get the news to me. I could talk to her at work where dad had no control over how things were ran. A few weeks later I had another sit down with Scott. My grandpa flat-lined on the biopsy table 3 times and was almost pronounced dead. Again I wasn't told by my family because of my dad still being mad at me.
I remember visiting him in the hospital, how when I visited him the world seemed to stop and the walls closed in on me, how I would panic and have to run outside to get some fresh air, how sick looking he was for that last Christmas with him, how he grew back his hair quicker than any other cancer patient after his chemo, how he got sick again so quickly. Grandpa didn't like his hospital bed and said we needed to come sit with him so he would feel better. Kelly would curl up next to him and take a nap. Monica, Amanda and I would all sit on the hospital bed with him and talk about school. He was funny on his pain meds and would try catching 'dots' that only he could see and then would gush about his love for Granny and how she was the prettiest thing he ever saw. I remember getting the call on April 20th about 7am. The day before it snowed up here in Fayetteville. I moved like a zombie not believing my mom when she said he had past and was no longer in pain. Ryan took me down there, wouldn't let me drive. Then I was stranded with my family who all except my mom were mad at me for saying I'm glad he's no longer in pain and that he's in a much better place. Dad still wasn't speaking to me and would clear his throat when mom talked to me. I did get a hug from him at the funeral and he was nice to me then. My good friend Melinda came to bring me back to Fayetteville so I could get my car. That was my first official causal date with Clint that night. He wanted to cheer me up and he did. I was happy and sad. I drove back down to McRae. I was the strong one at the funeral out of my cousins and my siblings. The one who held them up while crying myself. I was the one who demanded that they put his glasses on him. That wasn't my grandpa in that casket. It looked nothing like him. No smile, no mischievous tinkle in his eye. He was known to be a prankster, even put a dead squirrel in my mom's jeep during church.
Granny's answering machine, during one storm after deleting it, randomly picked the voicemail message with Grandpa's voice. I was the one who found out about it first. I was going to leave Granny a message and when I heard his voice I dropped my phone in shocked. His message was deleted and replaced with one by my uncle. I warned my mom and aunt who told Granny. Granny left it on there desperate for anything to remind her of him. Why she held on to random clothes and a message of his voice and wanted to throw away his military hat still dumbfounds me. I have the hat FYI.
So January 16th is not MLK day to me. It's my hero's birthday. There is so many more stories about how wonderful Grandpa was. He fixed everything, and helped make the world a better place. His patience was amazing. His kindness and great Christian example is still known today. I have never heard a negative word about him in my life and if I did I would tell them all the stories about how patient and kind he was. People who knew him or were friends with him come to me when I'm home which isn't often and tell me how great he was and that they were thankful to have known him. I'm so thankful for the memories I have of him and that I didn't lose them with my concussion. I can still hear him singing Tempted and Tried at church and I cry every time I heard that tune or that song sung. Wendell Beall will bring me to sobbing tears with how he sings it so like my grandpa. So I will remember him tomorrow. To me, my grandpa is greater and more important than MLK jr. No offense intended. Just how it is. I will always love you Grandpa and honor your memory. Happy Birthday in heaven Grandpa.
My grandpa was my knight and shining armor when I was a little girl. I try to live my life by his example, because I have yet to meet a better Christian than him (with the exceptions of Scott Karnes, the French missionaries Youngs and Hutchisons, and Wendell Beall).
He only ever raised his voice at me once - once in my 20 yrs of life I was blessed to know him and have him in my life. He was teaching me how to drive his truck in his cow pasture, and I was slowing down. Before I came to a complete stop, I put the truck into park about dropping the transmission out of it. He didn't even yell, it was more his tone that hurt me more than anything. And once I teared up, he hugged me and apologized for raising his voice. Even though yes I did about ruin his truck.
We had our "horse back" days where 3 little girls( my cousins and myself) ran around begging and pleading Grandpa to give us horsey rides. We each got a turn til Granny came and had us shell peas and beans. Those 3 little girls also rode home every Sunday with Grandpa and we stopped twice on the way to Grandpa's house - one would get to "drive" from the church to the first stop, then it would be the second's turn and at the second stop it was finally be the third's turn to finish the short trip.
Those same 3 little girls would go out to the farm with Grandpa. We peed behind tractors and trucks and helped feed the cattle and check the fields of crop. We would play tag on top of the long lines of round bales trying to knock each other off. Grandpa would take us fishing out at the pond near his cattle pasture. I had the yellow Snoopy fishing pole.
All five of us grandkids (six when Cody finally joined our clan) would fight over who got to rock in Grandpa's recliner with him. He would sing us silly songs. "Tweedle-dee, tweedle-dum, I'm a fat lazy bum...." "Trella Bella!" "Amanda Banana!" "Monica Bo-bonica!" "Kelly jelly belly!" Or he would hum a silly tune. He always heehawed at the end and counted our ribs.
I begged my mom to get my hair cut really short when I was 3-5 yrs old. I had like 8 huge thick curls that hung down to my rear. I looked like a china doll. So my mom took me to get my haircut, and everybody was mad at her for it. My curls were gone and my hair was right at the end of my ears. My mom said that was the only time my grandpa was mad at her and he was furious. He never fussed about any of the other 3 granddaughters getting their hair cut short. Just mine.
When I played basketball and I wasn't all that good and was never played, he still came to as many games as he could. My dad wouldn't show up til it was time for the senior boys game. Grandpa would always sit in the same spot up at the top right at the end of the walkway up so I can see him there to smile at me and give me encouragement.
Lord give me strength. When I allowed myself to think of all the wonderful memories, I tear up and cry. Cry for what I had and didn't appreciate til he was dying.
When my car broke down, it wasn't my dad who came to help me. I quickly figured to call Dad meant I would be interrupting his work and I would be yelled at over the phone. Then Grandpa would come because either dad or mom would call him. He would just hug me as I cried over the mean things my dad yelled at me. It was the same thing around the house and with my mom, brother, sister and granny. All would try and call my dad and he would just chew us out. Then came along Grandpa and he fixed everything and wiped away all the tears Dad caused from his hatefulness.
Dad never fixed any of our dogs. He had breed everything. He had to be in control of everything. The only person who he couldn't control even though he tried was Grandpa. So of course we had a ton of litters of puppies that were mutts and nobody wanted to buy. One time we had some twisted mutt puppies that had weird colored coats. They always tried to bite us kids even though we handled them gently from birth and loved them. One day when I was feeding our 50 dogs at the time, I caught 2 of the not-quite full grown pups eating the smaller one with a huge full bowl of dogfood right by them. It was the scariest, most twisted gruesome sight I have seen in my life. I told mom and dad about it. Dad didn't believe me and wouldn't even go look. A couple days later the last two were trying to eat each other and had taken bite marks out of the other. I went to my poor blind mother who couldn't fix it in tears. The next day they were gone. Mom had called Grandpa and he came by while we were at school to "take care" of them.
Kevin when he was in 8th grade had to go to the mandatory sex education class in Beebe. The McRae and Beebe 8th graders were divided into groups with community leaders (men for the boys and women for the girl) to teach them the class. Our idiot preacher, Richard Pectol, was in Kevin's group. He pointed Kevin out in the middle of the class because Kevin was too ashamed and embarrassed to watch the sex ed film and made fun of him. That sex ed class made Kevin blush and look away from Mom, Kelly and me for a long time - he couldn't meet our eyes. Instead his eyes went to our chests and then lower then he would run and lock himself in the bathroom crying. Dad and Mom finally got it out of him what was bothering him. Dad furious went straight to our preacher's house and chewed and cussed him out. Typical Dad. Grandpa, when he heard about it, went over to the preacher's house and asked him to come have a cup of coffee with him. So Grandpa took the preacher to McDonalds for a cup of coffee and the next day the preacher came up to Kevin and asked for forgiveness apologizing. Grandpa fixed everything.
Now I have a good reason for thinking that that preacher was an idiot. He had his hay days for sure and used to be a talented preacher however McRae hired him right before he lost his mind with dimentia. He gave a sermon over the word 'and' and barely used any biblical references. He would teach the same lesson again a month later and he would get lost in his own sermons. His wife was crazy and hoarded everything. The church had to gut their house because they wouldn't have anybody over ever. Now Mr Richard Pectol had redheaded granddaughters, just like my grandpa had 2 redheaded granddaughters - my sister and myself. My sister and I would sit beside Grandpa at church and this was when I won beauty pageants and Kelly lost her baby chunk and was stupid cute (stupid cute meant boys did very stupid funny embarrassing things to get her to look at them). Well the preacher's granddaughters were the pasty flaming redheads and were on the plumpish side with long round faces and gapped teeth. He introduced his granddaughters to us when we were sitting in our pew before services started, saying well Weldon I think I've gotten the prettier redheads for granddaughters. Grandpa was polite and wouldn't smile at the preacher but did at his granddaughters. When services began he whispered in both mine and Kelly's ears that we were the most beautiful granddaughters that he could ask for. We overheard him talk about that incident later to Mom and Granny who piped up in her blunt Granny way, "What...?! They were most certainly not prettier than Trella and Kelly (took her about 10 other names before she got ours out). They were not very attractive at all and were on the larger side if you ask me." Grandpa would sssh her saying Now Phyllis be nice. Mom just giggled saying Oh Granny.
Kelly when she was having her wild streaks, the only person who could calm her down was Grandpa. Mom and Dad were so mad at her one time that they wanted to send her to military school. There was a lot of spankings for her, being locked in our room which meant I was locked in too. Kevin and I cried during the big big spanking dad gave her after he dragged her in from chasing her around the town. It sounded so horrible and she had marks and bruises all over her. Mom and dad told her she had 30 minutes to pack clothes for Fayetteville that she was going to come stay with my aunt and uncle and grandparents up here to straighten her out. They kept trying to send me in to make her pack and when i wouldn't, I was spanked and sent to pack her things for her. I say mom and dad but mom was crying and would come to randomly scream stuff at us while Dad hoovered over Kelly and would get upset watching him with Kelly and run off again. It was like watching him try to squish her like a bug. Mom called Grandpa and dad was mad at her for including him. I remember Grandpa coming into the bedroom and he sat down in the floor and told Kelly he would help her pack and would even ride up to Fayetteville with her if she wanted him to. And he sat there in the floor cradling her and rocking and sshing her like a little baby. He then helped her pack and gave me a big hug and kiss. Then Dad and Grandpa took Kelly up to Fayetteville that night and came straight back. My aunt and uncle said Kelly was a dream and behaved perfectly for them. Lead them to believe that my parents were too stern with us.
I always got in trouble for asking questions in church and Sunday school. My youth minister when I was in junior high told me that only Church of Christ would go to heaven. It didn't sit right with me and I piped up and asked a bunch of questions which lead to a bunch of Bible reading to show me where it said that. I think argued that those versions could have multiple meanings and how could we know that we were the one true church. His reasons were well our name and how we took communion every week and just described our rituals. Later my dad had a serious talk with my youth minister and then had a serious talk with me - more an argument than a talk. Lead to us quoting a scripture at each other. He finally beat-red looking like a volcano about to erupt yelled honor thy father and thy mother. I yelled back the verse about fathers and husbands do not abuse the power you have over your children and wives and that I do honor my mother for she is a good Christian. My dad picked me up by my hair and my pants, and threw me out of the front door. I crashed into one of the porch beams before landing on the concrete porch. I ran off into our back pastures and hid in the tall grass. I watched my mom looking for me worried and run back in and tell my dad that I ran away. Dad jumped in his truck and sped off down the road looking for me. I hid out there for hours til I saw my grandpa's truck pull up and I straighten up and sprinted as fast as I could to him. He saw me and was relieved to see me til I got up close where he could see my bruises and hair pulled out of my head. He stayed with me, called to tell Dad that I didn't run away I just hid in the back yard from him. He then stayed for a long while with me in my bedroom asking me what happened. I told him about Sunday school and how dad was mad at me for arguing. Grandpa said that he was proud of me and that who are we to judged who will get to go to heaven and who will go to hell. For all he knew, he said, he might end up going to hell too. I said he wouldn't be allowed in there because he was too nice. Made him chuckle. Told me that I was right to speak up when I did and was proud I knew my scripture so well. He left later and then I was in trouble for tattling on dad to grandpa.
My dad and grandpa were fighting when Grandpa got sick. Grandpa wasn't happy with how Dad treated us, and I heard Grandpa almost yell at dad about it. He told him that if he wasn't careful he would push us all away. Dad decided to stop speaking to him and avoided him unless it was important. Just like how he refused to speak to me and avoided me and wouldn't allow my mom to talk to me.
Grandpa got sick when I moved away to college. That first month Ryan's mom died tragically. I had ended a rough relationship before moving up to Fayetteville, and Kelly tattled on me to save her skin which lead to Dad calling me a whore as he slapped me and not speaking to me for a year and a half. My grandparents up here took me in and were nice to me. I actually didn't have a curfew just had to let them know if I was staying out late and where I was going. When I thought nothing else worst could happen, I was sat down by the RFC campus minister who I had just barely met. My parents decided to let him tell me about my grandpa having cancer. It felt like my whole world was going to break apart and I felt like I couldn't breathe. They all assured me that they caught it early on. I didn't learn until 3 years after he died that everybody else but me knew that he had an aggressive malignant type of lung cancer that hardly anyone survived.
So right after I learned about it, I called my parents and demanded to know why they couldn't tell me myself. My mom 'wasn't allowed' to talk to me due to my controlling dad and told the campus minister to get the news to me. I could talk to her at work where dad had no control over how things were ran. A few weeks later I had another sit down with Scott. My grandpa flat-lined on the biopsy table 3 times and was almost pronounced dead. Again I wasn't told by my family because of my dad still being mad at me.
I remember visiting him in the hospital, how when I visited him the world seemed to stop and the walls closed in on me, how I would panic and have to run outside to get some fresh air, how sick looking he was for that last Christmas with him, how he grew back his hair quicker than any other cancer patient after his chemo, how he got sick again so quickly. Grandpa didn't like his hospital bed and said we needed to come sit with him so he would feel better. Kelly would curl up next to him and take a nap. Monica, Amanda and I would all sit on the hospital bed with him and talk about school. He was funny on his pain meds and would try catching 'dots' that only he could see and then would gush about his love for Granny and how she was the prettiest thing he ever saw. I remember getting the call on April 20th about 7am. The day before it snowed up here in Fayetteville. I moved like a zombie not believing my mom when she said he had past and was no longer in pain. Ryan took me down there, wouldn't let me drive. Then I was stranded with my family who all except my mom were mad at me for saying I'm glad he's no longer in pain and that he's in a much better place. Dad still wasn't speaking to me and would clear his throat when mom talked to me. I did get a hug from him at the funeral and he was nice to me then. My good friend Melinda came to bring me back to Fayetteville so I could get my car. That was my first official causal date with Clint that night. He wanted to cheer me up and he did. I was happy and sad. I drove back down to McRae. I was the strong one at the funeral out of my cousins and my siblings. The one who held them up while crying myself. I was the one who demanded that they put his glasses on him. That wasn't my grandpa in that casket. It looked nothing like him. No smile, no mischievous tinkle in his eye. He was known to be a prankster, even put a dead squirrel in my mom's jeep during church.
Granny's answering machine, during one storm after deleting it, randomly picked the voicemail message with Grandpa's voice. I was the one who found out about it first. I was going to leave Granny a message and when I heard his voice I dropped my phone in shocked. His message was deleted and replaced with one by my uncle. I warned my mom and aunt who told Granny. Granny left it on there desperate for anything to remind her of him. Why she held on to random clothes and a message of his voice and wanted to throw away his military hat still dumbfounds me. I have the hat FYI.
So January 16th is not MLK day to me. It's my hero's birthday. There is so many more stories about how wonderful Grandpa was. He fixed everything, and helped make the world a better place. His patience was amazing. His kindness and great Christian example is still known today. I have never heard a negative word about him in my life and if I did I would tell them all the stories about how patient and kind he was. People who knew him or were friends with him come to me when I'm home which isn't often and tell me how great he was and that they were thankful to have known him. I'm so thankful for the memories I have of him and that I didn't lose them with my concussion. I can still hear him singing Tempted and Tried at church and I cry every time I heard that tune or that song sung. Wendell Beall will bring me to sobbing tears with how he sings it so like my grandpa. So I will remember him tomorrow. To me, my grandpa is greater and more important than MLK jr. No offense intended. Just how it is. I will always love you Grandpa and honor your memory. Happy Birthday in heaven Grandpa.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Apology
Why is the title section so imposing to me? Oh well.
After this wonderful Christmas, I feel guilty for my rants and vents about when we would become engaged. I know all the reasons why it took so long and had agreed with most of them myself. I agree with the general time frame we're going with for the wedding too for monetary reasons. If it were up to me and my heart, I would go for this summer instead of next.
I guess I just wanted to make it clear that yes I am human and had my moment(s) of weakness. I had a friend who has only been with his/her companion for little over a year, and that person had to show my ring to their companion saying see this. Yes I admit this friend is female, and I felt bad for the guy. I didn't let it bother me until 3.5 years with Clint. I thought that was plenty of time.
I apologize for my childish rants involving my relationship. I just recently saw the judgment in a what used to be close friend's eyes and knew it was from this. If I bottle anything in that bothers me, I obsess about what was something small and turn it into a huge ordeal. This is why it seems like I let things fly off the handle when posting to this blog. I may be quick in saying what I said about this friend but it hurt to not be welcomed like a friend when I last ran into this person.
I am not perfect and have never claimed to be. I don't expect anyone else to be either and I would like the same courtesy in return. I will not apologize for being me but I will apologize for straining friendships and for my past rants. No one is perfect.
After this wonderful Christmas, I feel guilty for my rants and vents about when we would become engaged. I know all the reasons why it took so long and had agreed with most of them myself. I agree with the general time frame we're going with for the wedding too for monetary reasons. If it were up to me and my heart, I would go for this summer instead of next.
I guess I just wanted to make it clear that yes I am human and had my moment(s) of weakness. I had a friend who has only been with his/her companion for little over a year, and that person had to show my ring to their companion saying see this. Yes I admit this friend is female, and I felt bad for the guy. I didn't let it bother me until 3.5 years with Clint. I thought that was plenty of time.
I apologize for my childish rants involving my relationship. I just recently saw the judgment in a what used to be close friend's eyes and knew it was from this. If I bottle anything in that bothers me, I obsess about what was something small and turn it into a huge ordeal. This is why it seems like I let things fly off the handle when posting to this blog. I may be quick in saying what I said about this friend but it hurt to not be welcomed like a friend when I last ran into this person.
I am not perfect and have never claimed to be. I don't expect anyone else to be either and I would like the same courtesy in return. I will not apologize for being me but I will apologize for straining friendships and for my past rants. No one is perfect.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Almost forgot....New Years
In all honesty which is one of the things I'm good at - I didn't make any New Year's resolutions. What's the point when no one seems able to keep them. However Clint and I are working on eating healthier and being more active. He has been giving up meat and me been giving up caffeine and sweets. Activity is still hard on me since my head still swells.
So my New Year's resolution is
To be the best person I can be in faith, in strength, in wisdom, and in health. And to stay on top of things and not push them off to a later date.
There.
So my New Year's resolution is
To be the best person I can be in faith, in strength, in wisdom, and in health. And to stay on top of things and not push them off to a later date.
There.
Wedding Bliss!! Oh the joy...
December 23rd - My sister was asked for her hand in marriage.
December 24th- My best friend Melinda was asked for her hand in marriage.
December 25th - After 3 Christmas parties all with Clint's side, he takes me to the square to see the Lights of the Ozarks and to take pictures. Then we go up to the top of Mount Sequoyah to the Cross to look down at all of Fayetteville. I wasn't expecting it since my sister and friend were just recently engaged. He "lost his camera cap" and had me help to look for it under the cross. I in frustration asked if I needed to pat him down, and he very sheepishly said yes. I patted his pockets and found a square box and completely froze. He whipped it out, put the ring on my finger and asked if I would marry him. He then realized out loud oh I'm supposed to be on one knee and squats. I squealed and said yes and literally almost head butted him when I went in for the first engaged kiss. I posted pictures of the ring in the last post. The main diamond was given to him from his mom. It's from the ring his dad gave her before he passed away. I feel so privileged to be even considered to wear this ring on my hand.
The next day I got to show off my ring to my parents. Dad wasn't happy with me for speaking my mind about how proud I was for DJ still wanting to be with Kelly despite Dad's attempts to scare him off. Then he wasn't happy with where and how I want to be married. He wanted me to have my wedding in McRae so he can show me off to the town just like one of his prized show horses. Isn't it supposed to be my big day where we do everything according to how Clint and I want it to be done?! I think I just need to come to terms that my father and I will more than likely never really agree or see eye-to-eye. As my mom said if I was to give him the chance to walk me down the aisle, we would get into an argument halfway down it and I would stomp off to my goal my destination and he would stomp off in the other direction.
My poor sister's fiancé can't ever get a break. Clint asked my dad for my hand in marriage which I told him I didn't care if he did or didn't and preferred if he didn't. As most of you know if you know me at all, my sister has already had a child with her guy. Everybody has been pressuring them to get married and asking when they are that it literally stole what little romance could have been made from their situation. Yes they love each other and are very happy - they work hard for everything and take care of their son. Amidst the pressuring, her guy asked her to marry him but didn't ask my dad. So now the poor guy is being compared to Clint by my dad saying how he has respect for Clint but none for this guy. Now I'm normally not for the "holier than thou" crap. I mean that in the sincerest way possible. I had it crammed down my throat so much that well I can't handle it when someone pulls those cards out on me. I believe as Christians yes we should help out a brother or sister when they stumble but to quote scripture at them like they're constantly in the wrong well what's Christian about that? People shouldn't remind others of their faults verbally and point blank but by their own actions. If you cannot even complete the action yourself, then you cannot bring about the topic of how that fellow is stumbling for you are as well.
Enough of that....for now.
This past Christmas season had me so busy that I neglected my blog, but it was once of the best Christmases ever. Thank you Clint for making me the happiest girl ever. Poor guy - most people said well what took so long or about time. I won't lie I was thinking the same thing. He's more reserved and careful with big decisions where I'm impulsive and I dive in head first without thinking all the possibilities out first. Usually I'm lucky and blessed that when I dive it works out for the better. Some life lesson learned usually is the worst outcome.
I have a new set of wheels - BRAND USED!! Thank you Lord for providing!! Now I just need that perfect job where I'm capable of making all A's in school, being available for Sundays and Wednesdays services, and still have time to see friends and my new fiancé. It is sooo weird to call him fiancé!! :-D
Saw Sherlock Holmes 2, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo in the theaters - excitedly waiting for the Hunger Games trilogy to come out in the movies. I asked for that trilogy for Christmas and have finished them already. Sad to have finished them so quickly. I have many books on my list to read including becoming acquainted again with my Bible. I guess my rebellion against religion is coming to a close finally. I have Scott Karnes and my wonderful grandpa to thank for bringing me back from atheist views.
I colored my hair again to get rid of the last of the blonde in my hair. From now on letting my hair do it's own thing with color and hopefully curl whenever I'm able to bend over again.
Had gum surgery - gum graphs taken from the roof of my mouth and placed and stitched in over spots that had receded severely. No solid food for another week and 2 days. Ugh. Lots of pasta, ice cream, baked sweet potatoes, and Ensure drinks for me. Who would have ever thought that one could get sick of ice cream.
Now if I can only find that perfect job to pay for my new wheels and to hopefully get a new bed for me and in the future for Clint. I cannot for the life of me get a good night's rest on the current one I have. Too firm.
December 24th- My best friend Melinda was asked for her hand in marriage.
December 25th - After 3 Christmas parties all with Clint's side, he takes me to the square to see the Lights of the Ozarks and to take pictures. Then we go up to the top of Mount Sequoyah to the Cross to look down at all of Fayetteville. I wasn't expecting it since my sister and friend were just recently engaged. He "lost his camera cap" and had me help to look for it under the cross. I in frustration asked if I needed to pat him down, and he very sheepishly said yes. I patted his pockets and found a square box and completely froze. He whipped it out, put the ring on my finger and asked if I would marry him. He then realized out loud oh I'm supposed to be on one knee and squats. I squealed and said yes and literally almost head butted him when I went in for the first engaged kiss. I posted pictures of the ring in the last post. The main diamond was given to him from his mom. It's from the ring his dad gave her before he passed away. I feel so privileged to be even considered to wear this ring on my hand.
The next day I got to show off my ring to my parents. Dad wasn't happy with me for speaking my mind about how proud I was for DJ still wanting to be with Kelly despite Dad's attempts to scare him off. Then he wasn't happy with where and how I want to be married. He wanted me to have my wedding in McRae so he can show me off to the town just like one of his prized show horses. Isn't it supposed to be my big day where we do everything according to how Clint and I want it to be done?! I think I just need to come to terms that my father and I will more than likely never really agree or see eye-to-eye. As my mom said if I was to give him the chance to walk me down the aisle, we would get into an argument halfway down it and I would stomp off to my goal my destination and he would stomp off in the other direction.
My poor sister's fiancé can't ever get a break. Clint asked my dad for my hand in marriage which I told him I didn't care if he did or didn't and preferred if he didn't. As most of you know if you know me at all, my sister has already had a child with her guy. Everybody has been pressuring them to get married and asking when they are that it literally stole what little romance could have been made from their situation. Yes they love each other and are very happy - they work hard for everything and take care of their son. Amidst the pressuring, her guy asked her to marry him but didn't ask my dad. So now the poor guy is being compared to Clint by my dad saying how he has respect for Clint but none for this guy. Now I'm normally not for the "holier than thou" crap. I mean that in the sincerest way possible. I had it crammed down my throat so much that well I can't handle it when someone pulls those cards out on me. I believe as Christians yes we should help out a brother or sister when they stumble but to quote scripture at them like they're constantly in the wrong well what's Christian about that? People shouldn't remind others of their faults verbally and point blank but by their own actions. If you cannot even complete the action yourself, then you cannot bring about the topic of how that fellow is stumbling for you are as well.
Enough of that....for now.
This past Christmas season had me so busy that I neglected my blog, but it was once of the best Christmases ever. Thank you Clint for making me the happiest girl ever. Poor guy - most people said well what took so long or about time. I won't lie I was thinking the same thing. He's more reserved and careful with big decisions where I'm impulsive and I dive in head first without thinking all the possibilities out first. Usually I'm lucky and blessed that when I dive it works out for the better. Some life lesson learned usually is the worst outcome.
I have a new set of wheels - BRAND USED!! Thank you Lord for providing!! Now I just need that perfect job where I'm capable of making all A's in school, being available for Sundays and Wednesdays services, and still have time to see friends and my new fiancé. It is sooo weird to call him fiancé!! :-D
Saw Sherlock Holmes 2, The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo in the theaters - excitedly waiting for the Hunger Games trilogy to come out in the movies. I asked for that trilogy for Christmas and have finished them already. Sad to have finished them so quickly. I have many books on my list to read including becoming acquainted again with my Bible. I guess my rebellion against religion is coming to a close finally. I have Scott Karnes and my wonderful grandpa to thank for bringing me back from atheist views.
I colored my hair again to get rid of the last of the blonde in my hair. From now on letting my hair do it's own thing with color and hopefully curl whenever I'm able to bend over again.
Had gum surgery - gum graphs taken from the roof of my mouth and placed and stitched in over spots that had receded severely. No solid food for another week and 2 days. Ugh. Lots of pasta, ice cream, baked sweet potatoes, and Ensure drinks for me. Who would have ever thought that one could get sick of ice cream.
Now if I can only find that perfect job to pay for my new wheels and to hopefully get a new bed for me and in the future for Clint. I cannot for the life of me get a good night's rest on the current one I have. Too firm.
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