This past weekend....

Well this was an overall great weekend.  Friday night Kevin, Clint and I went to go check out a possible rent house for me and Kevin.  1950-1960's house that has a garage but the landlord uses as personal storage, very low ceilings - I mean I have 4-6 inches btw my head and the ceiling throughout, everything needed a couple coats of fresh paint and serious cleaning.  What killed the deal was she was asking 400 per month w/out the garage and it was a really old house = SERIOUS MOLD PROBLEM, especially in the garage.  I told her that I would like to see it after it had been worked on and that I couldn't commit to it in that state.  After we left about 10 mins later, Clint and I both reacted badly to the mold and had to stop immediately for some benadryl.  I had to use my inhaler it was that bad. 

After we dropped Kevin off at the apartment, Clint and I went to the movies to see Puss in Boots the non 3d version.  It was cute and not too bad!  We were worried about how it would stand on its own from Shrek, but it was good.  Not like stellar good but cute and good. 

Saturday, we had breakfast at the Rolling Pin - YUM!!!  We then waited out an untimely headache of Clint's and later went down to his mom's to work on his Toyota Landcruiser, his first love. Spent the day playing with the dog outside while being productive to get his Landcruiser up and running.  Kinda glad we didn't watch the game.  We followed the score via my phone and good grief by not watching I saved my poor nerves.  Some devout Arkansas fan died of a heart attack that day I guarantee it.  I made a shrimp scampi pasta for dinner, then we went to the haunted corn maze in Cave Springs with Mitch, Jenna, and Lyndsey Jenna's friend.  FACT - don't get in front of me when there's a guy in a mask chasing me with a chainsaw.  I will run you over and anything else in my way.  I literally cannot control it.  When I come to my senses, I look around and oops I left Clint behind and pushed over everybody in front of me preventing my escape.  We then went to Five Guys up in Rogers which was disappointing.  Mr Burger is way better. 

We went to Flagstone Church of Christ today and it was a great worship service.  A little long with the lesson still a good message and excellent singing.  Had lunch with the Praters and played with Kason.  He's such a lively baby full of all these hilarious facial expressions.  Sad to say but my poor nephew is becoming a TV zombie and it's very dismaying.  I was worried about him when Kelly was carrying him with all the stress and anxiety she had thanks to Dad.  I pray he's not like Kevin.  That is literally the only thing that scares me about having children of my own.  Anyhow my car decided to spring a leak in the radiator hose.  Have to HAVE to get a new-to-me used car that is cheap. 

Would like to say something, but it's a secret.  Makes me think of some weird story I heard when I was a kid about this lady who had to keep a secret so great and it became a weighty thought on her mind and wore on her mind to the point where she had to run outside to scream it under water so she could fulfill her promise of secrecy and yet unload her mind.  I may have remembered it wrong but it made a huge mental impact on me as a kid to where I pictured it like a movie.  Not that I'm bad at keeping secrets.  I'm usually really good because I forget about it.  But well.....gah.  Gotta run...need to find my vampire teeth.  HAPPY HALLOWEEN ALL!!  Sorry distant fam, I would much rather hand out candy to little kiddos than to listen to you all argue about politics and other crap trying to one up each other and half the time arguing for no good reason seeing how you're basically saying the same thing.

Anyhow ----> HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!  Had to end on a positive.  :-)

Hmm...

http://natural-forces.com/essays/poofree.htm#hardwater

Do I dare try to make my own hair product??  Maybe....

Good lord all my posts are depressing. Sorry folks like i said i am working out my demons. I have bottle this issue up way too long and i want to scream it out for all to hear, but i cannot.

All my life both sides of my family have had the I'll one up you attitude. Also knew how to make me feel so small inside. Trella don't do that!!! When I try to explain the logic behind whatever it was i was doing, my family looked at me like I was an alien. I still get that same freakin attitude from everybody. Oh it's just her....what are you doing now....when are you goin to graduate....what are you studying.....you sure you're going to find a job in that?! Just shut the h up PLEASE!

Days like today where I get excited to see my family that I probably haven't seen since I was in the fifth grade. Sitting next to the 'golden' child of that is sacred and being washed out behind her in her glory just flat out sucks. I AM ME. The quirky oddball who sits quietly to the side thinking well its just best to play dumb because I think on a different wave length. I admit that I want to study German and they laugh in my face well you sure can find a job in that? Grrrr....maybe it will be best if I just don't see my family til I do have that diploma in hand.

What's wrong with being supportive and loving?! Seriously?!?! Why do I have to prove anything to you?! You are my family and I wish you would act more like it instead of being so condescending to me. It doesn't help, it just makes it worse.

Testing....trying out posting from my phone

BAD MONDAY - one of the worst ever

Today was terrible.  On my way to school this morning, my car's electronics were flickering on and off, engine was cutting out, and brakes weren't working (stiff wouldn't go all the way to the floor).  Oh I was on my way to a test too, so I was freaking out thinking I gotta make it, I can't miss this test!!  I was so nervous and anxious about just making it to the test that I had to change shirts when I got back to Clint's place.  Nappy.

Positive note: I think I did pretty good on my test.  The essay threw me off and I missed maybe 3 questions. 

Then right after my test I went to go pick up Clint from the car shop.  The starter on his truck went out so he had to get it fixed.  I was tense, grouchy and tired.  Clint told me that I needed to chill and I didn't take it too well at that moment.  I apologized and said it was just going to take some time to wind down my nerves.  I mean for crying outloud - I struggled to make it to class in a car that wasn't stopping and barely was able to go.  Took him back to his place, barely had time to get my German homework done.  Was running late to get back to school due to elderly/out-of-state drivers and in general people who couldn't drive.  I sprinted to class.  My nerves were frazzled still from my car and my test so I had some difficulty paying attention in class. 

I was so exhausted after class that I had trouble thinking clearly.  I was able to drive coherently just couldn't think about what else to do today and what I wanted to eat.  Called Clint to see if he wanted anything and he didn't know so I went to the closest place to his work with a drive-thru, Chick-fil-a.  As I pulled into their driveway to go thru the drive-thru, this big university truck almost backs into me.  The driver proceeded to call me a bunch of names that makes me want to cry again when I think about it and drove off cussing me out EVEN THOUGH I had the right a way and I stopped in time so he wouldn't hit me.  I pulled into a parking spot and cried.  Tried composing my nerves so i could just get Clint some food and I can go home and get away from people when my car started overheating.  I wasn't able to compose myself from the earlier idiot so I just lost it.  Ordered food, took it to Clint and just waited for him to come and get it.  What's wrong he asks?  I start to sob and tell him all the names that guy called me for avoiding his big truck.  He told me to go home and get a nap and to take one of his muscle relaxers if I wanted to. 

So that is my day.  I cried for Idk how long til I finally fell asleep.  When I woke up I forced myself to eat my sandwich and a piece of my Pop-pop's birthday cake.  Cake's not worth it if you're forcing yourself to eat it.  Not enjoyable at all.  I woke up still whimpering and emotional but for the most part in control of my emotions.  And now I had a wicked headache and a car that's still trying to break down on me.  

Today finally did get better.  Clint was sweet and hugged me all I wanted him to.  We went grocery-shopping and bought more oil for my car. Walmart finally stocked my BigSexyHair hairspray!!! Got some eggnog and Halloween candy.  Now I have a glass of fruit juice, my puppy and my boyfriend AND NO HOMEWORK.  Today did get better, yet it was still up there on terrible days. All I have to say Tuesday YOU will be kind and nice to be and it will be a GLORIOUS day for we are going to carve our pumpkins!! :-) :-)   Oh yeah I need to check my bank account - scary.  I think I'll save it for Tuesday.

Left behind...

I am very happy that all my friends are moving on in their lives and finding their significant other and getting married.  All I want to know is is it ever going to be my turn?  You know this is something a girl dreams about ever since she could remember.  Idk....maybe I'm impatient and maybe I'm not.  It is partially my fault for not progressing on with a degree.  I'm tired of taking care of a handicapped ungrateful brother.  I am not his parent.  I'm tired of being the "responsible one".  I'm tired of being guilted for just trying to live! Yes I skipped church today but I feel it was much needed to gather perspective and to fight off this hum-dum routine that we fall into.  Instead we cooked a big breakfast and took it easy and were thankful for what we were blessed with.  Took communion tonight folks so no worries. 


Test tomorrow so gotta keep this short.  Congratulations Courtney and Davis.  I am very happy for the both of you. 

Here's pictures I promised

These are pictures that make me happy.  My nephew, the cats, the dog, my brother and most of all Clint.  :-)

Here is my hair!!  Looks brown but it is a dark auburn.  Clint likes it a lot better than the blonde/red highlights.

Clint holding Dayven last time we got to see him

Dayven last time we went down to see him and our yorkie-poo Phebe

Hog fan with deer in the headlight look....lol

My hair is naturally very curly and was mostly brown when I was growing up.  Changed red on its own naturally.

Sir Petey and Bunny La mange at their last trip to the vet....they give Kevin something to talk about other than games and they help him express emotions.  Like anger with Petey for ripping down his posters from his walls in his bedroom.  Oops

Dayven looks a lot like Kevin.  Check out his teefers!! And those elephant ears....poor thing

 KITTIES!!

Kevin face

Procrastination will be the death of me

Gah I need to study.  Study study study homework study study study homework.  Never ending!!!  Gah!

I don't remember my point in starting a new post.  My bad.

Scare and not yet Halloween

Pop-pop gave me a good scare today.  My poor Pop-pop woke up dizzy, light-headed, dry heaving and nauseous.  My Nini called my uncle Stu, told him what was going on and he told her to hang up and dial 911.  His symptoms could have been stomach flu but also could have been a heart attack. 

They ran tests and everything came back without any significant results.  He's going to a cardiologist to follow up and make sure nothing is really wrong.  I was one of the first to know because I was planning on fixing him a big birthday dinner with his favorite cake - white cake with cream cream icing both laced with coconut rum and coconuts.  I picked him and Nini up from the emergency room and took them home. He was feeling well enough to gripe about the ambulance driver's driving through construction and school zones.  He said that they sang him Happy Birthday while running the tests.  Oh yeah today is his 77th birthday.  I told him he should have gotten a balloon for spending his birthday in the emergency room. 

I had been thinking about my grandpa a lot and then this happens.  I know I wouldn't appreciate my Pop-pop the most out of the grandkids if it wasn't for me not being there for my grandpa when I wanted to.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to take Kevin back home for his disability evaluation.  I think I'm just going to head straight back so I can be here if I need to be.  And I do have a test so nobody's talking me out of it.  If we leave by 2-3pm I should be back by 10-11pm at the latest.  That way I have Thursday morning to study and I am here in case they need me. 

I guess tonight Clint and I will go pick out pumpkins to carve probably Sunday.  You really don't know what you're missing til you lose it. Then it's gone.  Please keep my Pop-pop in your prayers.  I have nightmares about him going before Nini and her being put in a home.  I also have them about the same thing except I move in with her and Kevin and Clint leaves me.  Last night my nightmares were about zombies eating my poor Phebes.  Clint laughed about it asking me how old I was.  Now I must write a German essay, fill out a French and German study guide, and make up a study guide for Personal Finance. 

Church, hair, and what-not

After attending Combs St, Clint, Brittney and I realized how routine church has gotten for us.  Brittney and I dress up for church in order to not feel out of place.  Church has become so impersonal to us, so cold.  Any heart-felt feelings in church is squashed out immediately by well don't want to upset anybody around me.  I admire Yvonne for how heart-felt she is during service yet I know people are like well that's her in a well we usually have to make excuses for her tone.

Combs was heart-felt, warm and inviting.  I guess we need a new church home if that is what we have to say about our church.  I know once I follow the norm and pop out babies we'll fit right back in.  I feel estranged from my church.  I catch myself disagreeing with the sermon or with the class lesson, or notice well that's not right.  I feel like the bad guy for catching it.  Clint only likes to go when he drives the bus.  I catch myself here, like?  We're servants of God.  It's not about us, right?  We're supposed to worship despite all this and be loving and humble.  I did go to Flagstone with Drew to meet up with Kyla.  It threw me off that there were two song-leaders, one guy and one lady, with microphones.  The song service was amazing however.  The lesson was great as well.  I know I'm not the only one dissatisfied with church, besides Clint and myself.

Onto a more happy note, I have colored my hair and it is super dark.  It's going to take getting used to and I like it so far.  I'll post pictures up later.  If it doesn't grow more on me, then I'll just add some highlights and be done with it.  Getting it trimmed next week so I think I'll wait til then.  Hehehe...

Trying to figure out what I'm cooking for tomorrow night's dinner.  Coconut rum cake - Pop-pop's favorite, marinating either pork-chops/chicken in teriyaki or italian dressing, Nini's brown rice.....Clint still wants his peach pies.  I want/need chocolate chip cookies.  I love to cook.  When I cook/bake, things just seem to right themselves and fall into place where they're supposed to be.  I hate how my medicine makes me not hungry and everything taste bland.  It sucks.

I have two new cousins - one on each side.  Elaina on the Smith side would be my 4th cousin but the way me and her mom were raised she would be more like 2nd.  Weird I know.  My cousin on the Jones side just had his second, baby boy Micah.  What makes his birth more exciting is my uncle John arrived back from Afghanistan just days before Micah arrived after a 8-10 month tour.  My aunt Sylvia I'm sure is dancing around her amazing house happy as a lark.  Micah almost was born on Pop-pop's birthday.  Their birthdays are just a day apart.  He was really hoping that his third great-grandkid would share his birthday with him.

I'm so happy that my family is doing well and is blessed.  I just wish and pray that this peace stays, but I know once Dayven is able to speak the happiness will vanish as quickly as it appeared.  I pray that it doesn't.  I know my sister and my dad, I cannot help but to think that.  I worry everyday about Kevin.  I distance myself from him so he can enjoy himself and not feel like I'm bothering or pestering him.  I pretty much raised him so I tend to mommy him a lot.  I want him to grow up and yet I want him to remain content with the world the way he sees it. Clint is tired of catering to him and of helping to take care of him.  My parents fight about what to do with him, Dad's even said something about committing him to the state and how it's too bad he's not retarded enough to be.  I understand his frustration but thinking of him saying that just makes me dislike him even more.  I'm a bad Christian for back-talking my father and begging my mom to leave him.  She only talks to me about their problems in our family.  Anything that makes her happy, he rips it up or destroys it.  She is only supposed to make him happy and is supposed to be the only thing that makes her happy.    Us women are supposed to serve the man.  I still remember the day when I quoted the rest of that parable/verse to my dad.  I struggle to forgive him for it.  I have for the most part.  Thinking about all this makes me miss my Grandpa more and more.  He was fighting with dad when he was dying about how dad was going to lose everything if he didn't change.  He always had a way of making things right or of saving the day.  When my car died, dad would yell at me and call grandpa to tell him to deal with me.  Grandpa would come and see me crying.  Same thing with Kelly and Kevin - he never said much about it but he would take us for ice cream after he saved us.  I gotta stop here, I can't talk about this anymore without losing it altogether.

Gosh, I've been told I should write a book about my bizarre life.  I'm not lingering on the past, I promise.  When I think about Dayven though, I can't help but worry.  I want to protect him better than I did for Kevin and Kelly.  I like to think of my mom being happy and be able to plant whatever she wants in her garden and to have her green house room where she can play her piano all day long.  I want to be able to provide that safe haven for her someday.  I guess this is what drives me the most.  She sacrificed everything for me, her happiness, her dreams.  I know if I was not born, she would have left dad.

I smile and I wish for the days where I thought the satellites that float across the sky were shooting stars.  I remember that wish I always made.  God please take me away from here, but also take mom, kevin, kelly and grandpa too. I promise to be good.....So far most of that wish has come true.  People who went to church camp with me knew that that week was usually the best week of the year for me.  I would cry that last night of camp every time not wanting to go back. I escaped home.  I was allowed to be me and to have fun.  Now everybody from home is having babies.  Trella why aren't you having kids yet?  Do you even want them?  I reply yes I do but I think it would be selfish of me to bring one into existence without the adequate means of supporting the child.  I do not need to validate my life by popping out kids.  I want a kid don't get me wrong.  I just want to have a happy family and to not struggle being happy.  Then that's where the person is like oh so you think you are better than me.  No I don't.

I'm done venting.  Things that make me happy are my nephew with his big goofy ears, my books, painting my nails, taking my time to bake a masterpiece, picking out presents that I know that they will love, listening to music, having a good solid and reasonable discussion about the Bible.  Much much more to come.  Clint is off of work and it's time for dinner.

I pray that whatever God has in store for me to be successful.  I pray that His will not mine be done and I pray that those that I love are happy and blessed.

Fall Break!

Well the University of Arkansas finally has its first fall break --FINALLY!! Spent the first day of it helping B-ritt shop for cars with Clint.  Was really impressed with the Kia Optima Turbo 4cycl.  We had Rick's for breakfast and Sushi King up in Bentonville for lunch.  Had a great time with Brittney driving cars, she told a salesman let's go play meaning I want to drive this car now.  Lol

My goals for the weekend is to finish up my appeal, be fully prepared for my german, french, AND personal finance tests next week, start cleaning the grandparents house, and bake/cook a good birthday dinner for my sweet Pop-pop.  Oh yeah and a German essay too about my dream trip. 

Been reminded yet again that I need to hurry and get out of school.  My response to how much longer I have is well I planned on going til I get free college when I'm 65 and just be one of the smartest people in the world.   My lack of progress in school plus Clint's lack of finding a job is what's hindering our relationship to progress to the next stage.  I don't mind really but I don't see the harm in at least getting a ring to show that yes it's eventually going to happen.  Grrr.....I feel like I pick myself up and start to feel happy about myself again, someone has to remind me about me being a disappointment.  Won't lie it's Clint.  He's frustrated with the job-hunting and how much more I have til I'm done with school.


Ooooo.....bought a color for my hair and I cannot wait to color it!!  Dark auburn just a little darker than my natural.  I need to work on my Christmas list so I don't end up with a bunch of crap that I don't know what to do with besides regift.  That's all for now.  My posts will prolly be jumping from topic to topic and short and sweet, hopefully.

Me as of right now

I'm a struggling student trying to figure out what it is exactly I'm meant to do.  I was just recently diagnosed with ADHD, and it makes me mad when I try to confide in people about it.  Yes I know it's over diagnosed.  My mom first noticed me having attention problems when I was in the 4th grade.  My multiple head injuries have slowly helped it progress to the point where focus is a real struggle for me.  I feel like I'm in a boxing ring trying to force myself to FOCUS.  Every time my focus slacks, I beat myself up for it. That explains my mild depression I was also diagnosed with. 

I decided I needed to start a blog so I can try to learn how to organize my thoughts better.  I just recently made the switch from shampoo/conditioner to baking soda/apple cider vinegar.  My hair is less brittle/dryed out, has better shine, and LESS FRIZZ!!!  Woohooo!!!  So much cheaper....

I used to be the smart kid, the shiny prodigy child.  Had great grades, active in community service and clubs, and won several scholarships.  I had thought that I found my niche my major but now I'm not just so sure about it.  Interior design program is supposed to be your first and only priority.  I'm not willing to sacrifice my God, Clint, my health, family or friends for a program that accuses me of not being dedicated due a concussion from slipping on black ice.  In what world does that make sense?!  Then my advisor also mentioned how I was wasting taxpayers' money.  I asked how that was possible seeing how I paid for school myself with help from my family and Clint?  She didn't respond and what I could read from her face was that I was wasting her time. 

I just want that moment where I knew what I wanted to do.  I won't lie my confidence in myself has been thoroughly shaken to my core.  I still have the good ole quality of not being a quitter.  I thank my red auburn hair for that.  I may be rambling.  Oh well. 

I am me, the one and only.  I can't change my mistakes and what happened in the past.  I know all this is just God's way of making me stronger.  Friends and family bear with me while I take the usual route - the long complicated way due to my over-thinking and talking stuff out.